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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, so sad

90 replies

TheFirstLastKiss · 18/09/2016 05:29

I have just packed DPs stuff into bags. He hasn't noticed he is too drunk and snoring.
I am completely devastated, not because he is a great loss right now but I wanted it to work so much! I tried so hard.
My dd age 5 is going to be heartbroken I'm so worried about her.

He has always liked to go out and get drunk but lately he has been out just about every night. He comes home at 2/2.30 completely wrecked. I'm sick of looking at him with his zombie eyes and falling about. Sometimes I have to shout at him because he tries to wee in the bedroom and he doesn't know where he is.

On Monday he went out at lunchtime and came back at 6.30pm completely drunk in front of the DC.
On Thursday he went to work before the DC were awake, he came home at lunchtime and went straight out to the bookies. He finally showed up at 2am Friday he never even saw the DC and my daughter didn't get to tell him she had won an award at school. I had to drag him out of bed on Friday morning to make him go to work, he was going away over night so hasn't seen the DC for three days now. He must have gone straight to the pub because he has come back in a right state at 2.30 again.

I know I'll get slated for this from some posters but I did go through his phone. There were messages on there with some woman asking if he wanted to meet up and him saying yes. They both sent pictures of each other there were a lot of kisses.
He was saying how are you today my love? xxxx
Sad
She asked how old he was and he said 25! Hmm
He's 33 which I informed her of and also filled her in about his DC and living arrangements and suggested she run for the hills.

Anyway I have shoved all his things in bags and he had pissed all over the toilet seat and floor so I cleaned it with one of his shirts.

I'm just sat crying on the sofa while he snores and hickups upstairs. My heart is hurting so much for the happy family I wanted and for my DC.

OP posts:
WordGetsAround · 18/09/2016 06:54

You should be feeling proud. You are making a stand for yourself and your children. His behaviour is unacceptable and you won't put up with it.

This is the first day of the rest of your life! Congratulations - and stay strong!

elmo1980 · 18/09/2016 06:54

Didn't want to read and run but ditto what everyone else says. I hope he leaves without a fuss so you can carry on with your lives.

Original poster
TheFirstLastKiss · 18/09/2016 06:55

He won't Make a fuss I think.

Me crying or being upset for some reason make him turn really cold like he's made of stone. He would never put his arm round me or give me a hug. he just ignores me.

I have asked him to go a few times and said if you want to live like your single, go be single! He always made a big thing about finding somewhere to go and Don't worry you will be rid of me soon! kind of thing. But never actually left and I was always a little bit glad that he chose to stay. Chose us. But I always knew deep down he didn't choose us. He chose the easy life, where he can live the single life but use this house like a b&b and have his clothes washed and tea cooked.

I read NoCapes' thread while I was waiting for him to come home. It sounded so much like I could have written it. There have been a few times he has stayed out all night and wandered in sometime the next day like nothing happened. If I dared to question him or have a go at him he would just say 'oh here we go!' and he was just out with the lads that's all and I'm boring and a nag and then go off upstairs to bed for the rest of the day.

I've lurked on here forever. I thought I could join in but apparently I'm as shy on anonymous forums as I am in real life! The other thread made me brave enough to start my own. I will find it too hard in real life to talk about it like this. I will put my face on and say never mind he was useless we are fine without him.

I will come on here to say Actually I'm really struggling Sad or THAT FUCKING ARESHOLE HOW DARE HE BE SUCH A KNOB?!

OP posts:
Liiinoo · 18/09/2016 06:57

Well done. It is sometimes to easy to stick with the status quo rather than make painful changes. You are doing the right thing. Flowers

NoCapes · 18/09/2016 07:08

Well done Kiss Flowers
I know exactly how you're feeling right now and I know how hard this part is, but honestly it gets better really really fast
You know you've done the right thing
This isn't a life, this certainly isn't a relationship, and you deserve so so much better
Your DD may well be sad, she might even be a little bit angry with you, but don't let that cloud your judgement! She's only little and her world is so black and white, but you as the grown up, as her Mum and her protector, you know that this is for the best, you can see the bigger picture and she will too one day

You can do this!! Smile

Procrastinatingpeacock · 18/09/2016 07:20

My mum threw out my alcoholic father when I was a child. It was the right thing to do and she was more than enough for us. We were immensely happier without the stress that comes from living with an alcoholic.

I look back now and have nothing but pride and admiration for her strength and courage. You are doing the right thing for your DC too.

user1471421772 · 18/09/2016 07:21

Well done, you are doing the right thing. You are a great role model for your daughter and a devoted mother. You can do this. Thinking of you this morning Kiss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2016 07:29

Well done for being the brave mummy your children need. It sounds as if your DD will be very cross. Please ensure you explain to her in an age appropriate way why you are doing this. She doesn't deserve to be brought up by someone, she blames for making your dp leave as it will seriously affect her mental health. I don't know which thread you are talking about. It was suggested on a recent thread that an explanation could be "daddy wants to have a girlfriend when he is mummy's partner and this isn't possible."

I would also let school know. There is a TA at dds school with some kind of counselling specialisation. She works with children, who need extra care.

NisekoWhistler · 18/09/2016 07:33

Such admiration for you op well done on being so strong. You have undoubtedly done the right thing your DC and yourself.

Keep strong and whenever you are feeling weak re read your thread and remember how strong you have been today.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 18/09/2016 07:58

You are absolutely 100% doing the right thing for you and your children, and though the immediate days and weeks will be hard on you all, you will all come out the other side stronger and happier.

Has he woken up yet? If you are worried he will take it badly can someone come and support you or take the children out for a few hours for you? xx

Original poster
TheFirstLastKiss · 18/09/2016 08:05

My dd has woken up now. She is happy sat watching TV. It all feels so different and strange in the day light.
He will probably stay in bed all day.

I hope dd won't be cross or blame me too much. She already talks about how he behaves. She told a teacher at school who wanted something about her daddy being lovely, that Daddy is not lovely to Mummy and when we try to do something nice he always spoils everything!
She's also said that her friend's dad carry's her friend to school every day on his shoulders and she wishes her dad was like that Sad

But she's desperate for him to stay and not go away again. She said she just wants us to be a happy family.
I did explain to her when I was angry at dp for coming home drunk that I was sorry it had upset her but his behaviour was not acceptable and I can't let him think he can do that and she said she understood.

I don't want him to go! I want him to stay and everything be ok but I know it wont. Or it will but not for long then I will be back here again. I will miss how it used to be and mourn for how I was desperate for it to be. I love him so much!
But now I've got permanent butterflies and a sick feeling in my stomach all the time wondering where he is and when he will turn up. I cant live like that anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFirstLastKiss · 18/09/2016 08:10

I think he will say 'Whatever' and make out like I am over reacting and I'm just a boring naggy girlfriend trying to ruin his fun. . He won't be difficult or make a fuss, he will act like he doesn't care and go out with 'the lads' and get wrecked and not speak to me. He's good at the silent treatment.

OP posts:
Rubberduck2 · 18/09/2016 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubblebloodypop · 18/09/2016 08:43

Stay strong today, you really do sound like a fantastic mum. Your daughter will thank you for this one day.

reddotmum · 18/09/2016 08:45

Stay strong and like everyone has said you are totally doing the right thing. Ur wee daughter is getting a great example from you. Well done. Xxx

BewtySkoolDropowt · 18/09/2016 08:46

Oh lovely, much as you want everything to be ok, you know he isn't going to change. He might, over time, but it won't be soon enough and your life is important too.

It will be a relief to not have him in the house any more - yes there might be shit times ahead, but that immediate reduction in stress will help you get through this.

I was with a pot-head waste of space for way too long. My life is a much better place without him in it, stress levels are low, I'm much better off financially - everything is just better. But it took a while to get there.

This is the right thing to do. Wishing you and your daughter well.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2016 08:50

If it helps, maybe try to understand you don't love the man he has become. You love the man he once was.

Only he can do something about that. And if he ever does, you may have moved on and met someone deserving of your love.

QuiteLikely5 · 18/09/2016 08:55

Pathetic excuse for a man. Everything your children see is what they will mirror when they are older. He is no role model for them and you should not cling onto him through desperation. That would be bad for your daughter.

Kick his sorry ass to the kerb. Pack his bags, tell him he can stay with one of his 'friends'

horseygeorgie1 · 18/09/2016 08:56

You sound very strong to me. I think you have no choice actually, this cannot carry on. I'll be thinking about you today.

Therealloislane · 18/09/2016 08:57

You're doing the right thing.

My father was an awful drinker when we were growing up & I used to cry myself to sleep listening to him calling my mother names. We never knew whether he'd be in a happy drunk mood or bully mode.

I pleaded with her for years (from I was about 12-17) to leave him, or make him leave. It didn't happen.

It finally did happen when we were all grown up & left home. You've no idea how much I wish it had happened years earlier, it would've changed my outlook on so many relationships, my love for my mother & respect for my father (I have none)

You're doing the right thing. Make him go don't met him make a mug out of you or your lovely family.

Buzzardbird · 18/09/2016 08:59

What shines through in your posts is your amazing strength and resilience. You have been the one that has brought everything to the table throughout your relationship. He is bringing nothing to this partnership but stinking fish.
He's not even faithful to you ffs!

The greatest gift you will give your dd is to show him what a happy home is.

You kicking him out could make him turn his life around and at least be a good dad. Or he will just carry on with his meaningless existence and your dd will see why you did it and be glad that's she's not embarrassed to bring friends home from school.

You will feel the weight lifted from your shoulders.

CrazyDuchess · 18/09/2016 09:03

Good luck today kiss I wish my mum was strono enough to do that when I was younger Flowers

Livelovebehappy · 18/09/2016 09:14

Been there and know how difficult it is. You mourn for what it once was and think that you can have that back again if you try really hard or wait patiently, but it never happens. You try and try because you don't want to give up on the relationship and also want to be able to say years down the line that at least you gave it a good shot. But I promise you that you will see the benefits of him no longer being around straight away. As you say, no more knots in your stomach wondering where he is, what time he is going to be home or what state he will be in. What you don't know will no longer hurt you. You can then put your focus and energy into your daughter, which is something you probably aren't doing at the moment as he is sucking you dry emotionally. My DC were just fine. Obviously there will be upset initially but children are resilient and your DD will be okay. Just focus on your future and plan an exciting new life with your daughter. No more drama and no more stress. Stick to your guns today and show him that this is the end of the road. Don't fall for emotional blackmail, and if you feel yourself weaken, gather up your daughter and head out for the day, telling him to be gone by the time you get back. Lots of hugs OP. You can do this.

hownottofuckup · 18/09/2016 09:25

You're doing the right thing OP, I love being a single parent. It's taken a good while to recover from the relationship and i grieved the loss of the family i'd hoped for for a long time. But I don't anymore Smile I'm very very grateful for my life as it is.
Your DD will understand and benefit from this in the long run.

notapizzaeater · 18/09/2016 09:35

You are doing the right thing. Think if this was your daughter in 20 years time would you be happy for her to put up with this shit - no ? So why should you x