I need help dealing with my immediate family.
They are all members (as was I) of a church that they would describe as evangelical / fundamentalist Christian but that most ex-members (even those who are still Christians) describe as a cult.
To give you a flavour: in addition to belief in the literal truth of most the bible (e.g. Adam & Eve is true instead of evolution, Revelation is a description of the end of the world, which will happen in our life time) they also believe; no popular music, it?s of the Devil, you?re not allowed friends that aren?t in either theirs or a similar church, unless you?re trying to convert them, some weird and wonderful beliefs about not being allowed certain toys (frogs, pigs) because they become possessed easily, that you should live your life by the prophesies and dreams of the church elders, and also they believed in ?spare the rod, spoil the child?, and boy did I get some leather belt lashings from my Mum and Dad. Dad was the ?liberal? one of the two of them (by liberal I mean he would allow us to watch certain programmes on TV that Mum didn?t approve of, or occasionally he would fight our corner with Mum, that sort of thing; my Mum was awful and did some terrible things to us).
I was kicked out at age twenty two for one of the worst crimes that I could have committed in their eyes. I had a boyfriend, not only was he not one of them he was actually an atheist, and I was sleeping with him! (I?d had boyfriends before but managed to keep them hidden, but they managed to cotton on to this one).
At that point my life got much better; his parents let me move in with them, we got our own place and lived our lives together and eventually? he became my dh.
I tried, I really did try, to maintain contact with them. It was very difficult; my mother in particular went out of her way to tell me how I was hell-bound, and kept saying things like ?you?ll come back to the church, you?ll leave this man,? and ?are you sure this is forever? Because Jesus isn?t sure, he?s told me in a dream?, when dh had a car crash, but was fine in the end, ?it was a warning from God?, but I persevered.
Until I told them I was marrying him. My mother and sister and I had a huge falling out; they didn?t want to come to the wedding (my sister had previously said she?d be a bridesmaid but obviously hadn?t meant it) and after much ?soul searching? I made the decision not to contact them again. My Dad wasn?t as bad, and as I say, I have managed to have conversations with him by email from time to time, we avoid talking about religion, and he has been brilliant at sticking to this (and nor do I talk about my lack of belief with him of course!) but I?d hardly call it a strong relationship, it?s more like the sort of things you?d say to a distant uncle, iyswim.
Sorry for the life story, here is the dilemma.
I am pg, and my little boy is due at the end of March. I do not want my mother back in my life. But I would like to tell my father that he has a grandson. So far I?ve not told him, because he would tell my mother and I did not want that stress in my pgcy. But now I don?t know what I?m going to do. I was going to wait until after the birth and see how I felt then. (I don?t want her near me while I?m pg, the stress would be too much.)
But if I leave it until then, what?s my Dad going to say? He?s going to be incredibly hurt that in all the emails I?ve sent him I?ve not once mentioned my pregnancy. But if I tell him, he?ll tell her, and there is no knowing what she might do. I doubt she?d want to just leave it; the thought of her grandson being brought up by a pair of non-believers would be anathema to her. And part of me would quite like to see my younger sister again.
Also I have heard there is something called Grandparents? Rights, and that if she knew I had a baby she would be legally entitled to have access to him anyway.
My question is, when should I tell them? And how?
I?m really sorry this is such a long post. Please, please, do not be judgemental of me for not loving my mother and not wanting to see her!
(Also, I really do not want people coming on here and turning this into some kind of discussion about religion. I need help and advice and not for this to turn into a comment on belief.)