How do I tell my immediate family I am pregnant? (Very long, sorry!!!)

[howdoItellmyfamily]

I need help dealing with my immediate family.

They are all members (as was I) of a church that they would describe as evangelical / fundamentalist Christian but that most ex-members (even those who are still Christians) describe as a cult.

To give you a flavour: in addition to belief in the literal truth of most the bible (e.g. Adam & Eve is true instead of evolution, Revelation is a description of the end of the world, which will happen in our life time) they also believe; no popular music, it?s of the Devil, you?re not allowed friends that aren?t in either theirs or a similar church, unless you?re trying to convert them, some weird and wonderful beliefs about not being allowed certain toys (frogs, pigs) because they become possessed easily, that you should live your life by the prophesies and dreams of the church elders, and also they believed in ?spare the rod, spoil the child?, and boy did I get some leather belt lashings from my Mum and Dad. Dad was the ?liberal? one of the two of them (by liberal I mean he would allow us to watch certain programmes on TV that Mum didn?t approve of, or occasionally he would fight our corner with Mum, that sort of thing; my Mum was awful and did some terrible things to us).

I was kicked out at age twenty two for one of the worst crimes that I could have committed in their eyes. I had a boyfriend, not only was he not one of them he was actually an atheist, and I was sleeping with him! (I?d had boyfriends before but managed to keep them hidden, but they managed to cotton on to this one).

At that point my life got much better; his parents let me move in with them, we got our own place and lived our lives together and eventually? he became my dh.

I tried, I really did try, to maintain contact with them. It was very difficult; my mother in particular went out of her way to tell me how I was hell-bound, and kept saying things like ?you?ll come back to the church, you?ll leave this man,? and ?are you sure this is forever? Because Jesus isn?t sure, he?s told me in a dream?, when dh had a car crash, but was fine in the end, ?it was a warning from God?, but I persevered.

Until I told them I was marrying him. My mother and sister and I had a huge falling out; they didn?t want to come to the wedding (my sister had previously said she?d be a bridesmaid but obviously hadn?t meant it) and after much ?soul searching? I made the decision not to contact them again. My Dad wasn?t as bad, and as I say, I have managed to have conversations with him by email from time to time, we avoid talking about religion, and he has been brilliant at sticking to this (and nor do I talk about my lack of belief with him of course!) but I?d hardly call it a strong relationship, it?s more like the sort of things you?d say to a distant uncle, iyswim.

Sorry for the life story, here is the dilemma.

I am pg, and my little boy is due at the end of March. I do not want my mother back in my life. But I would like to tell my father that he has a grandson. So far I?ve not told him, because he would tell my mother and I did not want that stress in my pgcy. But now I don?t know what I?m going to do. I was going to wait until after the birth and see how I felt then. (I don?t want her near me while I?m pg, the stress would be too much.)

But if I leave it until then, what?s my Dad going to say? He?s going to be incredibly hurt that in all the emails I?ve sent him I?ve not once mentioned my pregnancy. But if I tell him, he?ll tell her, and there is no knowing what she might do. I doubt she?d want to just leave it; the thought of her grandson being brought up by a pair of non-believers would be anathema to her. And part of me would quite like to see my younger sister again.

Also I have heard there is something called Grandparents? Rights, and that if she knew I had a baby she would be legally entitled to have access to him anyway.

My question is, when should I tell them? And how?

I?m really sorry this is such a long post. Please, please, do not be judgemental of me for not loving my mother and not wanting to see her!

(Also, I really do not want people coming on here and turning this into some kind of discussion about religion. I need help and advice and not for this to turn into a comment on belief.)

Oh, yes, meant to say - only tell them now if you're going to tell them at all.

My feelings are either tell him now or wait a little after the baby is born. The first couple of weeks are a time of getting to know your new baby and the whole thing of adjusting to being a mother. I think the possiblity of your Mum getting back in contact or just the stress of dealing with the whole family thing would be pretty high.

I am so sorry that you having to go through this and hope your DH and PIL are supportive, they do sound it.

I think you should do what you want about this. It is a can of worms for you, apart from anything else when you become a mother yourself it can be hard to work out how to 'be' because you may be so screwed up about not being like her.

It means you may have to think motherhood through consciously as you go, rather than being able to automatically do as your mother would've done and feel natural about it.

It just makes everything more difficult for you but sounds like you are well able to deal with this challenge and you have a good support network.

It seems you would rather address the conflict now, than avoid it, which I think is a good policy because facing it often makes it smaller.

So let them know whenever you feel like it, don't expect much from them and possibly get some therapy to help you offload any baggage so you can be a happy mum!

hi.

firstly-i am nearly 30 and still scared of my mother

my personal thoughts on this are that its better to wait till after youve had the baby to do anything,as i myself feel more vulnerable when pregnant than when the baby's been born.given that its your first child as well,you wont know how you are going to feel about your family knowing untill after the birth.i think you feel you should tell your dad now,but im not sure you actually want to.iyswim.

i get the impression your mum is generally a very controlling person,and that your dad is also scared of her.it seems sad that your mum would prevent your lo from having a relationship with his grandad and auntie.i think some form of councelling would help you with all this,as rosy said,you may need to work through stuff so you dont end up questioning your own parenting ability.

i hope you get things sorted.good luck.

I agree, you are really thinking to tell your father now and that is the honest thing. Hard to email and not say although I didn't tell anyone in the family on either side for 7 months whilst we were going right through the divorce process even though we spoke every week, had Christmas together, emails every day. I didn't want the interference (and no one had divorced on either side of the family ever, not that after anyone had any problems with it).

This sounds awful for you. Sounds like the Bretheren or one of those type of religions.

I would just email your father and say you have great news - you are having a baby.

I can never understand these people whose love for their religion or commitment to their culture is stronger than their love for their children, that brothers will murder sisters who are sleeping with a man for family honour or families will ostracise someone who stops believing in their religion. I can't imagine any God who would want that.

I knew Xenia would post something I agreed with one day .
I totally agree with Xenia.
Good Luck.

Thank you everyone for your words of advice & support, not sure what I'd do without MN!

There's a lot for me to think about, and I still haven't made a final decision, but I think I'm leaning towards waiting until lo is born, and then telling my Dad first of all, then seeing what his reaction is before I "announce" it to my mother and sister.

You are right that it is a worry that I will turn out like my Mum and act with my child the way she was with me, and my sister. I have never really thought about therapy because until now, it's never really assumed massive proportions in my mind believe it or not. I've certainly never been depressed because of it, so I had never thought about having therapy. But I would not want to do anything that would screw up a relationship with my child, or other children I may have in the future, so it's something I'll look into.

Once again thank you everyone for taking the time to listen & advise.

only just found this. for completely different reasons, dh & I are part of the included family, with his stepsister having never existed. when she had her first, she phoned her dad & told him he was a grandad. he simply hung up & has never mentioned it. can only imagine how soul destroying that was for her. would hate for you to go through that.

i would suggest, keep it factual & if mum tries getting involved, just say it's your baby & you will bring him up how you want. you know how they feel about atheists, so won't expect anything from them, and just informing them as you don't want to be accused of lying by ommission.

i would do it in writing, then you can 'say your piece' without interruption. if you're genuinely scared that mum will interfere, just keep quiet. they cut you out, not the other way round. if they don't love you & your family boundlessly, then there are boundaries on what they can expect from you.

Two things come to mind - that book Oranges are not the Only Fruit and a new book by an Indian lady who broke away and married for love which was in last Sunday's papers and became a non person to her family. In the latter case it was her mother who secretly kept up some contact.

You mentioned grandparents' rights. Grandparents can apply for some contact. I think they find it very hard indeed through the courts and virtually always fail. There are some web sites to help them I saw once. I would put it at less than 0.0001% she would attempt and then succeed through that route.

HDITMF: only just seen this too.

You sound like a clear-headed person, and I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

Going purely on the OP, I would wait until after the birth. Your mother sounds unpredictable, and I wouldn't want to risk her trying to come into my life with her erratic, upsetting behaviour just when I have to try and be calm and prepare for labour.

It's all very well to talk about being 'honest', but that only gets you so far IMHO. It's not just self-preservation, it's protecting your little boy.

As to your Dad being hurt, well... that's probably unavoidable now anyway. And you have sound reasons for not having told him as far as I can see. How can a family possibly be in the situation you describe without people being hurt?

The sentence that most convinced me you should wait was: 'the thought of her grandson being brought up by a pair of non-believers would be anathema to her'. You know your Mum, and from the sound of it you would be absolutely right to set the visiting rules you described if he decides she wants to see him.

Good luck. x

I would tell yourself that because of the hateful way she treated you, you will have nothing more to do with your mother.

Once you have accepted that, telling your dad should be easier.

hditmf-i dont think everybody who has f**d-up parents needs therapy.if you are a strong minded person who knows deep down what is right and wrong then you wont be in danger of 'turning out like your mother'.plus you've had a good role model in your mil.

honsetly,i think therapy is only beneficial if you feel in some way to blame for your upbringing,or if things that happened in your childhood are affecting you now,ie causing you to suffer depression/anxiety/low self esteem.

if you've accepted that you're a worthwhile person who was just unfortunate enough to have a fruitloop for a mother then you will make a wonderful mother yourself

Sorry, I've only just seen this.

HowdoItell - no right answer really but if it were me I think I would hold off until I'd had the baby and was feeling in control. I'd send the card to your dad with a picture of the baby, and probably enclose a note saying about seeing him etc but setting out how you feel about DS having contact with your mother. I find being pg makes me feel very vulnerable and anxious and I would be worried about her turning up unannounced at an inapprop time shortly after I'd had the baby. This would cloud the end of my pg.

I remember my parents were past masters at pitching up at my university when they wanted to sort something out without phoning or anything to let me know they were coming. It really upset me and that's why I'd be inclined to wait. I'd put only happy stuff in the card and put anything else you need to say separately, so he's got the card and picture to treasure by itself. I think the chances of a court giving her grandparent's rights in view of your relship are virtually nil. Take care.

I would wait until a while after the birth

You don't need the worry of wondering if your mom will be in contact for the short time you have left or in the early days

howdoitellmyfamily - i know you don't want comments on religion, but i've read your post & i just had to post to say how sorry i am for you in this situation. i'm an 'evangelical christian' and how you've been treated just sounds dreadful. i'm so sorry.

congratulations on your pregnancy and i wish you and your dh every happiness as you enter this new chapter in your lives.

Only just seen this, congratulations!

i'm inclined to suggest you tell them now, you will be feeling very vunerable after the birth, more so than now, and knowing you have to do it is also going to tinge the wonderful time straight after the birth.

get it over with!

they can not do anything to hurt you, they have no rights over your baby or you, and should anything happen for you to be worried, then a solicitor would help you get a warning letter sent to warn them to keep away, or even an injuction.

this should be a happy time for you and your dh, unburden yourself and enjoy the rest of your pg x

hiya

congratulations
my family are muslim and bengali, i left home when i was 17 after my sis had a forced marriage and i did not want to go through with one.

my family disowned me after this and soon after i met my dp. during this period i would call my mum time to time and occasionally went and visited. my dad and my older brother did not want to speak to me.

well i got pregnant with dc1 (2), my sister one day called me trying to persuade me to go back home as i was ruining their family reputation. i told her then that i couldnt go back as i was pregnant, she went ballistic and even worse was dp was jamaican. she told my mum and they were begging me to abort even though its against the religion!

my dad hasnt spoken to me since and i havent seen my brothers in 3-4 years and i dont think my youngest brother remembers as i was young. i now have dc2 (6 mnths) and speak to my mum on the phone. my mum and sister have met dd once and never met ds.

it breaks my heart that my children have been rejected by my family because of race and religion, but dps family adore them and they get all the love they need! and you know what my family are missing out on two precious children, its their loss, i have moved on with my life and have my own family to think about.

it was so scary telling them i was pregnant, but they had to know, whether they accepted it, it was up to them, i was keeping my baby and that was that.

good luck and i hope everything turns up well for you and your family {hugs}

my younger brother doesnt remenber me as he was young

Having read all the excellent advice you have been given, my personal thought is that I would send an 'open letter' to your Mum and Dad (and sister) to tell them now that you are pregnant (but don't tell them when you are due), and state that you will write to them again when baby has arrived, with details of their Grandchild and a contact telephone number should they wish to arrange a visit.

I think leaving this until after baby has arrived will provoke a lot more stress, and you may possibly feel overwhelmed or fear a visit. By stating that you are (1) pregnant and (2) will contact them after baby has arrived (so when you are ready), you are in control of the situation.

I wish you the best. You sound like a very level-headed lady and I am sure you will make an absolutely wonderful Mummy.

I hope this planet manages to get over these issues eventually. All mainstream religions from Christianity to Islam have at the heart of the faith tolerance and equality for all people and yet cultures and bigots misconstrue them for their own purposes.

Well, it was me, all those months ago, asking for this advice, and I have "come out" now because I have finally sent the letter to my Dad today.

(On the small chance that anyone here knows me and also knows my family, please let them find out this way rather than informing them yourself.)

Ds is three months old and it was about time I got over my cowardice and put pen to paper.

Of course now I'm dreading the response, absolutely dreading it; I am sweating and was shaking as I posted the letter.

So we'll see how it goes!

I hope it all works out okay, and if they want back into your life be strong and have it on your terms.

oh mossy

i hope that you get some peace/ closure from this

x

I didn't see the original thread - but I just have to say congratulations on the birth of your baby!

Good luck with everything - and remember: you are not your mother - you are going to do just fine!