Really strong urges to be unfaithful - does everyone have this?

[HowMuchIsThatDoggy]

I'm in a happy, long, committed relationship. DP is brilliant. No excuses for how I feel.
Basically, periodically (and probably cyclically, hormonally speaking) I really, really want to cheat. I think about it loads. I currently have a "crush" (which I suspect is unfortunately mutual) which I will, as ever, make sure I don't act on. But it feels like a physical ache that I can't.
Is this normal?
16 years and I've never acted on these feelings, but it's so bloody difficult.
Any words of wisdom for me?

Am quite tickled by the push-up challenge dilemma! Can relate in the sense that the object of my unusual desire joined a gym for a short spate of time and unfortunately for me looked extremely attractive when hot and sweaty in sportswear never found that attractive before even on men. The friendship aspect is so so difficult, have distanced myself even though it really hurts as for a time we were so close. Quite sure she knows why, but is too kind and polite to bring it up. Damn her and her sports bra! Despite having extra marital lusts for men the friendship part was never a problem, because I have never really kept male company beside DH and family.

link to your other thread? As we may have unintentionally hijacked this one!

Oooh don't tell him how you feel, he'll start to doubt you even if you are suppressing the feeling.

Yes, sorry for the complete hijack OP! curious, I'm not willing to link sorry as I name changed immediately afterwards as used it to sort my feelings out and move on a bit. Will pm you. If you search on here for crushes you actually find quite a few women posting in similar positions. Sorry again OP, hijack over.

Will do Secret, I didn't realise it was such a common thing. There are obviously many randy old ladies on the Internet with varying tastes!

Agree with Morning also, you could introduce mistrust into your relationship when there is no legitimate risk.

*I'm very ashamed to say that in my early 20's when I was dating another man I did act on these crushes and cheated on my pervious boyfriend a number of times. The thing is that if any of these men ever actually wanted a relationship with them I ran a mile! The ones who blew hot and cold or rejected me would send me into over drive and I'd become highly limerent of them and would fantasize about them for years but only ever about the point where they fell in love with me.

Like a previous poster said, I have low self-esteem and I seek validation from men. In my fantasies my main thrill comes from imaging their desire for me. Its pathetic actually but this fantasy gives me both an imaginary sense of validation and the emotional thrill and high of early falling in love, even if it isn't real.

It could be seen as harmless but I think it does erode my peace of mind, it distracts me from my other goals and it is a for of disrespect to my partner because there are times when I am with him, having a lovely time but secretly imagining that I'm with someone else, which is so unfair, especially when it is DP giving me said lovely time!*

Oh my goodness, are you me?! Like this, word for word could be me!

I have cheated I most of my previous partners because ive been bored/ unhappy in the relationship.

My current DP (fiance) is amazing, literally amazing. Kind, funny, hot, the sex is great etc etc yet since the day I met him 4 years ago I've had constant crushes on other men.

I get so angry at myself. It's definitely due to my low self esteem. Without sounding like a complete knob, I'm attractive ( I have modelled through most of my adult life) I get constant attention from guys and Iove it. It makes me feel good, validates me. And my god, on the rare occasion someone isn't interested in me, I become obsessed

So no, OP. I'm 30 and I've been like it since I was 18 so you're definitely not alone but I don't know what the answer is!

This is not reassuring as none of us seem to have the answer!

I've had this. Mostly when we've argued. I would never act upon it but sometimes have an overwhelming feeling (which goes very quickly). I have a "crush" on someone and know he feels the same (he's married. I am not) after speaking to him I know he would act upon it) I wouldn't because I love my DP to death). There's nothing wrong with 'fantasising" though!

Onthebr1nk has a useful suggestion! Although I'd rather keep this to myself

Well now you have to tell us...

Yes, not often. But I do sometimes feel desperately like doing the no pants dance with someone else. DH is great in the sack but he's not the best I've ever had by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes think about hooking up with one particular ex but I never would. Wouldn't ever wanna hurt my old King like that. I can't help the thoughts that I have but I can help not acting on them. DH is too good a man for that shit, He's my Sun & Stars.

Yes, I get this too, however my 11 year marriage isn't wonderful so I don't know how much is down to that and how much is hormonal.

It's definitely worse at certain times of the month and as PPs have said, I get really a really strong crush on someone for a while, I never act on it and it tends to subside again after a few months - then I get a crush on someone else.

And, as with Curious and Secret, my most recent 2 crushes have been on women.

Very comforting to know that it seems to be a thing, and is not just me.

Blimey, I'm not as alone as I thought I was in this then! vanilla, does it just go away on it's own for you then? Can't make mine stop. OP, hope you're still getting comfort from our tales of woe!

To answer your original question OP, do other people feel this?

No. I've never felt it. Not once.

Suspect I may be the other end of the spectrum though, and thus, also not normal.

Hope you find a solution.

Did you have many sexual partners before OP? If you have only had a few, does that make the desire to shag more strong, like you just haven't had your 'share?

Dh shagged loads. I had more than enough for me. Then we met.

I met someone the other day, he is married, but he just has this Jack Russell/whippet type mentality that he just wants to shag any attractive woman he sees. Like his tongue hangs out.

And I wonder why he doesn't. If that's what he wants. He didn't need to get married, why did he? Maybe I should ask him!

Do you think you are really satisfied OP. Is dp the right person for you?

Secret, I suppose I learn to live with it and accept that it's just fantasy. The situation is a bit different for me as these women aren't very close friends, so I don't see them on a daily basis.

The trouble is, this sounds like an insignificant trivial thing, but it often hides much deeper issues, for some.
Some posters have said that they have very low self esteem and crave constant approval. That is actually quite a damaging thing. Have you had counselling?
Some posters have said that they think about ex's. Again, why are you thinking about ex's instead of current partners? There's normally a very good reason why someone is an ex. They may have been enormous, and the sex good, but he was a knob, or wouldn't commit, or you didn't really match on other levels. So why idealise them now?

And how would your current partner feel if you really told them what you were really thinking? Don't you think they would be hurt? I would be? Wouldn't you? Would you be thrilled?

I think this is all more damaging that you realise. Maybe you need to consider the core issues, get some counselling, or at least see it for what it is.

Not for me. It's all rather rational. Ex was dynamite in bed but we couldn't work it out. DH is good in bed but not the best, holds back a lot. Shy of performing oral sex ect. But we love and respect eachother. Support eachother, and would die for one another. Love isn't black and white. There are no deeper underlying issues for me. I think about the sex that I've had previously with ex partner and think about having it again but if I acted upon these thoughts the emotional connection wouldn't be there and it'd feel pretty lame because of my love for DH. Not everyone is the same. Some people are obviously struggling with there secret thoughts. I can walk by an attractive man or women, see myself in a sexual scenario with them and then walk into my house, see my husband and not give it a second thought. It is what it is. No big deal at all.

There's a bit n that Women's Infidelity book where some of what your all saying is explained its on an old PC in the works I'll get it an post that part.

Justaboy sounds intriguing, yes please :) . Will read anything that might help.

No, I've never had an urge to be unfaithful and if I did I would take it as a sign that something is wrong in my relationship.

I do sometimes have sex with other people in dreams though and always have a laugh with DH that I have 'cheated' on him in my sleep (neither of us take it at all seriously)

I've never been unfaithful in my life and wouldn't break my track record without a very very good reason

I think thinking about it and doing it are two very different things, are you in danger of acting on your urges?

I'll dig it up!, As best i remember her theory was that left to their own devices women are after Sex as much as men are and will be "at it" as much as they can. It was age related there is a sweet spot around 30 to 40 years old where their drives peaked.

Its only social conditioning that makes them alter their behaviours.

I don't agree with something having to be lacking in a relationship to look elsewhere Im not sure monogamy is really as easy as were led to believe and especially as a woman your often made to feel like there is something wrong with you if youlook at other men

Iv cheated in the past mainly due to boredom and liking the excitement of a new partner however with my do I have and absolutely wouldn't cheat on him. Ultimately it comes down to choice . Do I still find other men attractive ? of course and there have been mutual attractions in this time to . Will I act on it - no way ! dp is worth so much more than me doing that to him behind his back and also because Iv had enough relationships / flings etc to realise that ultimately the crazy excitement of the beggining always settles down after a while and I'm looking for something more settled and long term now and I can't imagine it being with anyone other than my dp

That should read with my now dp I haven't and wouldn't cheat on him

No,
DH and I only have eyes for each other, Totally and completely (we never look at porn, not because the other objects we just don't get turned on by others, Don't look at others, see above) But in past relationships i've had very minor crushes but never the urge to do something
I don't think I'd stay in a relationship if I had the urge to cheat to be honest as I'd think something was wrong/lacking/I should just go for someone else and spare my current partner the hurt, as long as theres no actual cheating I don't think I'd judge anyone for staying in their relationship, But I can see I'm definitely in the minority here haha.

In 20 years only once and that was because it was a meeting of minds over a shared common interest that borders on an obsession for both of us. Nothing innapropriate ever happened. Part of me feels that in another time and place we should have been together . TBH those feelings just shook me to my very core and I discussed it with two of my sisters at the time. One sort of loved the thrill of discussing it and the other just felt very sorry for me because it was painful. It was interesting how very different their reactions were.

Anyone in a relationship never has a genuine clue what is going on in the others head. Maybe they are thinking about fajitas or where their favourite pen is or possibly how hot the next door neighbour is. It's naive to think you actually know what's totally going on in your partners head. DH and I are the type that know each other so well we can finish each other's sentences, know what their reaction to a situation is etc but he has no clue I felt that way because I didn't tell him as I didn't want to hurt him.