Really strong urges to be unfaithful - does everyone have this?

[HowMuchIsThatDoggy]

I'm in a happy, long, committed relationship. DP is brilliant. No excuses for how I feel.
Basically, periodically (and probably cyclically, hormonally speaking) I really, really want to cheat. I think about it loads. I currently have a "crush" (which I suspect is unfortunately mutual) which I will, as ever, make sure I don't act on. But it feels like a physical ache that I can't.
Is this normal?
16 years and I've never acted on these feelings, but it's so bloody difficult.
Any words of wisdom for me?

I totally get this and I'm so glad someone else has said it so I don't feel as rotten.
I have only been with my partner for 3 years. We get on amazingly well, have a great life together and he is everything I could wish for in a man. He is my best friend and soul mate in every respect and the sex with him is brilliant too.
But, for seemingly no reason at all, I find myself desperate to sleep with other men. Very specific people that I know well, not just randomers on the street. I can't explain why I feel this way and I feel so rotten.
I have considered an open relationship but I would never be able to go through with it. The idea of my partner being with someone else makes me feel sick. He is 'mine' and I couldn't bear to think of him being with anyone else. I would be so upset if he felt the same way as I do that I can't even broach the subject with him

This is really interesting as I've had this too in last wee while. I'm late 30s, happily married and a Ds but have a desire to shag a couple of men I work with. I would never act on it but I do enjoy flirting. I have rude thoughts about them!

I put this down to being peri menopausal and coming off the pill a few years ago. Although that's me done with having kids, I sometimes wonder if it's a subconscious thing to hang onto your fertility. I am definitely hornier than I've ever been. Almost a last gasp at getting pregnant.

It's really interesting to think I'm not alone in this...

Me and DH share fantasies about this all the time. I go on holidays with friends and he encourages me to flirt and get chatted up and do more if I want to and then tell him all about it and vice versa. Improves our sex life no end. I got chatted up and propositioned by someone 10 years younger on the latest one and he loved hearing about it! I admit it is not to everyone's taste but dont assume your DH would be horrified by the idea. He might be turned on. We have never acted on it physically but both of us have had our moments. The key is being honest and finding a way to bring up the subject in a light hearted way without it being obvious that you are thinking about shagging a specific person. We were watching a programme about swinging and conversation developed from there.

Re: stats on infidelity, I have seen these quoted quite widely, see for example
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/are-we-meant-to-be-monogamous-why-people-cheat-open-relationships-and-life-after-an-affair-10097811.html

And also www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html
Am wishing I hadn't looked this up on t'internet now, am expecting some truly dreadful spam ;o)

It's almost more unusual not to have crushes and sexually urges like this OP.

We aren't a monogamous species. We just aren't. None of the apes are. We have intense cultural pressure to be monogamous and a minority of people are naturally inclined to be able to cope with monogamy... but the majority struggle with it terribly.

I think many women unknowingly dull the ache with hormonal birth control. When I came off the pill it was like I became a different person. It was scary tbh.

My current relationship is new, so we are quite besotted with each other and don't notice others atm. But he knows I am accepting of any affair he may have in the future, and he would accept the same for me. We only want each other to be happy.

Monogamy isn't the default, it's an option and you don't have to be monogamous if a different approach might work better. I'd say I am "monogamish"... I like to feel closely attached to one person at a time, for long periods, but a snog or a fumble with someone else can be nice every so often.

I'd talk to your partner very gently about it.

And there's the rub. It's how mentally strong you are at remaining in the zone called "but it's so bloody difficult" But of course you won't act on these feelings because you're in a committed relationship.
I'm currently in a sexless marriage. Once every 2 months. I could do once every 2 days. Of course I have thoughts but I love my wife and live with the difference in our needs.

HowMuchIsThatDoggy Two schools of though in this. If you really want to go and shag another man then why not get a professional in i.e. a Male Escort, they do exist.

The main problem, is as i see it you will become emotionally involved with the man involved . Course that may not happen but there is a risk that it can and I'm wondering if there's an underlying problem in your relationship that makes you want to do this when all is seemingly well.

However have a look at;

womensinfidelity.com/womens_infidelity_index.html

Where the authoress goes to some extent to explain why women of your age have this desire. It is an interesting read some sites have PDF download of the book. She does say that many women were all else seems OK loose interest in their husbands or long term partners and actively go out man hunting!.

I do think that the latter just finding someone you fancy will put your marriage at serious risk of breakup if it goes further then just sex.

Have you asked or broached the subject with your husband he might even like the idea of having a bit with another woman?

I suspect though he will find it all rather odd.

I had this in my previous LTR OP. I'd get obsessive, crazily intense crushes on people which latest a little while then completely fizzled. Injust told myself it was my daft hormones and would pass.

I've got it now. But I'm not happy in my 11 year relationship and I don't feel wanted or loved tbh. I'm late 30s 4 kids

Yes, and I am sure my partner feels the same. Never acted on it beyond the first year of the relationship (and even then it was only a couple of snogs). There's someone I have a huge crush on at work (which fortunately is NOT reciprocated) which will just remain a daydream. And then I will move on to someone else.

Lemon - mine sounds similar to yours, I get intense crushes, it's like being a teenager again, does he feel the same? Does he fancy me? Etc... Getting dressed up when I'm going to see them (work), but actually if they tried anything physical I'd run a mile! I think it's hormones, am v happy with dh would never actually want to sleep with anyone else but the emotional feelings of these crushes can be really soul destroying.

I had a really strong urge to be unfaithful so I was unfaithful and now I'm divorced. The affair made me realise that my marriage was well and truly over and that I had to get out of my abusive relationship. I also had some of the best sex of my life but that's another story

I will add to the chorus of people saying me too.
It's definitely since ive stopped taking the pill. I've read somewhere that women are attracted to a different type of man when on the pill so now I'm off it, I can see I have a different type to dh. Unfortunately we've been married for 8 years and have two DCs so can't really walk away for my own selfish sex drive.

I am not like this at all. The longer I'm with my husband the more the thought of having sex with someone else makes me feel a bit ill.

However, I was like you in my first marriage but it was a symptom of me being in a very unhappy marriage. I know for me that feeling strong urges to shag other men regularly would mean my marriage is in a bad way. But that doesn't seem the case for you.

Clearly your feelings are very common and normal but it must be very frustrating for you. I know a few people who feel like you do, I sometimes think I'm the one who is the odd one out but my sex drive isn't exactly high to start with so....

Another one here, married for years, happily. With DC. No interest in other people aside from passing fantasy but have been attracted (not acted on) to other people a bit more lately. I think tbh I am just waking up a bit and coming slowly out of the fog of pregnancy and young children. Curious, have purposely used a username I don't use that often (watch me forget that I've name changed now!) - I have a massive crush on a female friend. Has taken me completely by surprise and keep waiting for the feelings to go away.

I am a bit like this and it drives me crazy. I love my DP, we have been together for 16 years and I still fancy him and our sex life is great but I have always had one crush after another on other men. I got my first crush on a real live boy when I was about 12 and its been relentless ever since. If you knew me you would never guess I was so "boy crazy" but I am.

I think part of it is just that I do have quite a high sex drive and I can look at a man I don't even especially like and think I'd like to shag their brains out! This is normalish I think and doesn't disturb me too much but the epic crushes I get do upset me and shatter my peace of mind.

I'm very ashamed to say that in my early 20's when I was dating another man I did act on these crushes and cheated on my pervious boyfriend a number of times. The thing is that if any of these men ever actually wanted a relationship with them I ran a mile! The ones who blew hot and cold or rejected me would send me into over drive and I'd become highly limerent of them and would fantasize about them for years but only ever about the point where they fell in love with me.

Like a previous poster said, I have low self-esteem and I seek validation from men. In my fantasies my main thrill comes from imaging their desire for me. Its pathetic actually but this fantasy gives me both an imaginary sense of validation and the emotional thrill and high of early falling in love, even if it isn't real.

It could be seen as harmless but I think it does erode my peace of mind, it distracts me from my other goals and it is a for of disrespect to my partner because there are times when I am with him, having a lovely time but secretly imagining that I'm with someone else, which is so unfair, especially when it is DP giving me said lovely time!

In some ways it is easier now as I work from home and don't meet as many men but I still manage to find a man to fixate on, a celebrity (Cillian Murphy!) or I dredge up some old crush most recently an old university flame who broke my heart and has surfaced on facebook (he lives overseas now so not likely to meet him again ever but he's provided useful fantasy material).

I used to wonder if their might be more to these feelings of mine, beyond emotional masturbation but I really don't think there is anything meaningful about them e.g. I don't really believe any of these men are my soulmate or that I am missing out. My evidence for this is that when I first met a close male friend of mine about 10 years ago I developed a major crush on him and was sorely tempted by him although I managed to restrain myself. We did stay friends and now 10 years later while I like him as a friend I realise that ending up with him would have been a mistake and that we are not at all compatible, we wouldn't have had the lovely relationship I have with my DP. He is a bit of an ego maniac, he has a drinking problem, he can be cold and superior he needs to be the centre of attention all fine in a friend but not fun in a partner.

I realise I am very lucky to have what I have with my current partner, we are very much on the same wave length, like the same lifestyle and have a lot in common, he is supportive and kind, the sex is great and we still fancy each other. All the other stuff is just as I said emotional masturbation and escapism. I am bored with my work and spend hours online rather than reading books or doing other things that make me happy like doing art etc. These are the things that would the real validation I look for but they all require more work than lying back and closing my eyes!

I am in a long term happy relationship, great sex, he's my best friend etc and I do think of it at certain times of the month.. Not really cheating though as that is an awful thought, just as if I was single and having sex with someone else. I sometimes wonder if it's because I've never been with anyone else! Then a few days go past and the thought does nothing for me

I have read that women are sometimes attracted to different types of men at different times of the month.

Kimono - you've summed up my feelings far better than I did above. Same with me that if the men did want a relationship I'd run off scared to death! It's all the childish thinking about them and imaging them desiring me that does it for me. Yes I'm a saddo :D

Hatelogginin, its good to know its not just me, rather a long post but it was actually quite therapeutic to type it all out!

Kimono, that's such an interesting post, you sound very self aware. I've never heard the term emotional maturation before, it's got me thinking.

Didiusfalco, I've had to be very self analytical over the years to keep my relationship out of harms way because I'm ashamed to say my natural tendency in the past was just to try and have my cake and eat it too!

This thread is so cathartic - thank you all for posting.

Curious, it's most often men, but sometimes women too.

This thread has made me realise that a probable reason this is coming up so intensely now is that I've recently stopped hormonal contraception. It was there but somehow dulled when my coil was still releasing hormone. I believe it ran out a few months back and since then this has gone haywire.

Love the phrase "emotional masturbation" kimono.

Secret - it's a bit bonkers isn't it. Have always had crushes on other people throughout married life (many, many years without giving my age away!) but this one is just phenomenal. I suspect they know, as embarrassingly I have gone bright red at times (bastard hormones making a show of me in public!) Never ever had a lady crush before, have always been very boring and "traditional" and swoony over the occasional buff tradesman. It gets a bit better and then we casually meet for a coffee and it's back to square one. Pretty sure part of my issue is also coil related, or perhaps the whole issue? I don't know.

This thread is very reassuring, I would never hurt lovely DH but if we were to divorce for 24 hours I would be knocking ardently on a very specific door! Oh dear

Very worried about forgetting about this name change!! Yes, has completely thrown me. Never, ever felt like this about a woman. Have a bit of a girl crush on Gillian Anderson but that is really it. It's not having a crush that bothers me so much, it's having a crush on somebody I know. I posted on here under a different username and got told to stay well away. I have detached a bit from her which upsets me as I feel our friendship has suffered and I don't think she knows why I am so hot and cold. Have given up on repressing it and am letting myself think about her every so often constantly. Doesn't help that she is doing this bloody 22 push up challenge and posting daily videos on Facebook of this in revealing sportswear . Have absolutely no idea how to make it stop. Am just hoping it dulls a bit but can totally relate to the meeting up and back to square one .