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Original poster

Really strong urges to be unfaithful - does everyone have this?

100 replies

HowMuchIsThatDoggy · 13/09/2016 14:41

I'm in a happy, long, committed relationship. DP is brilliant. No excuses for how I feel.
Basically, periodically (and probably cyclically, hormonally speaking) I really, really want to cheat. I think about it loads. I currently have a "crush" (which I suspect is unfortunately mutual) which I will, as ever, make sure I don't act on. But it feels like a physical ache that I can't.
Is this normal?
16 years and I've never acted on these feelings, but it's so bloody difficult.
Any words of wisdom for me?

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 13/09/2016 15:29

Howmuch

There is always a chance that it will happen, but I find it can keep you on your toes in a nice way.
We personally wouldn't object if the other did do though, iyswim.
There are certain rules we had right from the start and believe it isn't cheating if you are upfront and don't go behind the others back. So, he would have to tell me first, which would work for us as he isn't a dishonest cheating type by nature. He's very honest and couldn't lie about something so big. So sometimes he could say I fancy so and so and I'd say, go on then, but she won't do this xxxxx and of course she wouldn't Grin
That is rather simplified and there's more to it than that, but it has worked for us.
I think sometimes couples put too much on being monogamous, and don't see as extra marital sex need be the taboo and negative people attach to it.

Don't get me wrong if he or I went behind each others backs that would be cheating and we would probably split as we have such an open relationship, even though neither has acted on it, well maybe just a tad bit Grin
We both know exactly what the other has done.

gillybeanz · 13/09/2016 15:32

OP, would you mind your o/h feeling the same way and do you think you could both come to accepting other people into your bedroom?

I'm not saying either way is right or wrong btw, just interested.

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2016 15:33

What age are you? Do you have children together? Do you and he have a happy sex life?

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2016 15:35

The thing is, if you do sleep with someone else, your relationship is destroyed. If you're determined to do it, end the relationship first. Let him have his dignity. I don't think (in a relationship) there is anything worse than betrayal.

Original poster
HowMuchIsThatDoggy · 13/09/2016 15:37

gilly, that does sounds like a really good arrangement. I think I could come to terms with DP feeling the same way, although it may be a shock to hear it to start with. The rest I just don't know about...

Imperial, I'm late-ish 30s, we have 3 kids, and yes we have a good sex life. See, I don't have any excuse!

OP posts:
Original poster
HowMuchIsThatDoggy · 13/09/2016 15:38

Don't worry, I don't have any intention of doing that, Imperial. Smile

OP posts:
KeepsAwayTheNargles · 13/09/2016 15:52

I used to be like this. I didn't want to act on it so I had counselling and it really helped as it got to the bottom of what the reason was, it was like a valve opening and I haven't had it since. So is it hormones, or could it be an underlying issue? (Mine stemmed from wanting to feel wanted without actually having to have an emotionally intimate relationship.)

gillybeanz · 13/09/2016 15:55

HowMuch

To be completely honest, although we have both dabbled with a bit of extra marital stuff, not the whole thing, but as good as, it has strengthened us if anything.

We saw so many good couples fall by the wayside through affairs or one night stands, when we were starting out, we are 50 now Grin
It just seemed such a huge thing to expect, not just of each other but if you were in the relationship long term. It's hard to explain really, but I admit it stemmed from insecurities and fear that it could all go wrong from both our pov. It's not the image of oh aren't we secure that some would attach to it at all. Apart from the knowledge the other person wouldn't cheat as they have no reason to.
I'm not suggesting that this is an ideal way to be, but it seems to have worked for us.

Original poster
HowMuchIsThatDoggy · 13/09/2016 15:56

I'm really glad counselling helped for you, Keeps. That sounds great.

The thing is, I suspect for me the underlying reasons are quite basic - I think perhaps I just have strong basic urges to have sex with more than one person...

OP posts:
Original poster
HowMuchIsThatDoggy · 13/09/2016 15:58

The openness and honesty of that sounds fab, gilly. I'm glad it's worked for you.

OP posts:
allthecarbs · 13/09/2016 16:00

No I don't. I've had times of feeling a bit bored etc but I value what we have too much to throw it away. I also respect dh too much to put that pain on him.

Original poster
HowMuchIsThatDoggy · 13/09/2016 16:02

You see, all, I think I have all that, too. I value my relationship enormously, and would never want to subject DP to pain. That's why I do resist it. It's just that it's very hard to.

OP posts:
OSETmum · 13/09/2016 16:07

No I don't but I guess it must be quite common.

YetAnotherGuy · 13/09/2016 16:14

This is the norm for most blokes I think, although there wouldn't be a hormonal aspect to it. Men have thoughts such as "Is this it?" because monogamy isn't sexy

Open relationships are a potential disaster area imho. I thought it was mainly men who wanted them, though

I would suggest you focus on your DP and try to improve your sex life there and/or buy a vibrator

Just think what your have to lose - there are plenty of posters who would give a hell of a lot to be in your position

Original poster
HowMuchIsThatDoggy · 13/09/2016 16:18

This is the norm for most blokes I think

I've wondered whether this is the case, because most people I hear talking like this are men. But I thought that perhaps women just admit it less.
Yes, I do think about what I have to lose, which gives me the resolve to resist. As for "buy a vibrator" Grin - this isn't really the point....

OP posts:
RedGrapeCornSnake · 13/09/2016 16:21

Fuck
Are you me?
Late 30's, 3 kids, 16 years with DH. Check, check and check

Currently have an all consuming crush on a work mate and desperately want to be able to put my own life on pause and just go a bit mad for a couple of weeks. DH would be devastated, I'd loose him so actually acting on these feelings isn't an option but it's a real visceral thing.
Crush is all wrong on paper, not what I go for at all, but he's a dreadful flirt and I totally enjoy the attention (I suspect that doesn't reflect well on me).
He is moving away soon and I'm wavering between relief that it'll all be over soon and actually gut wrenching sadness.
Feel like I need am almighty kick up the arse but your post and others is making me feel a bit less alone and ridiculous

Original poster
HowMuchIsThatDoggy · 13/09/2016 16:22

Well hello, RedGrape, I knew there were more of us out there.

Wine for you.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 13/09/2016 16:25

I dont think everyone in LTR gets this. I definitely dont, in fact im more turned on by the idea of monogamy and really knowing my partner, but enough people are unfaithful in their relationships that id say the way you felt wasnt exactly out of the ordinary.
I think you need to talk to your dp really. Its not going to be a comfortable conversation, but its got to be better than cheating and losing him/hurting him.

Has the idea of swinging ever appealed. He might go for that, and then you guys can actually play together. Ive got a friends that this really works for.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 13/09/2016 16:30

Would it bother you if your DP was having major horny thoughts about other women?

Original poster
HowMuchIsThatDoggy · 13/09/2016 16:36

Housework, I'm honestly not sure. I think maybe not.

OP posts:
Aoibhe · 13/09/2016 16:50

I'm pleasantly surprised to see that you haven't been flamed.

I too could have written this thread; 35, very happily married, 3 kids. DH is my best friend, we've a great sex life, no major problems in our marriage. However, I am attracted to and fantasise about other men all the time. Even in the supermarket I will be checking them out Shock I think it might be due to the fact that I was very overweight and felt very unattractive for many years and then I lost the weight and started to look after my appearance and I suddenly became attractive to men and for the first time ever I noticed them noticing me Blush
I met a man at a work function a few nights ago and it was like being hit by a bolt of lightening - he was hands down the most attractive man I have ever seen in my entire life and I couldn't take my eyes off him all night. Luckily my dh and his partner were also there.

I think the difference between you and I is that I'm very sure I wouldn't cheat. I've far too much to lose. The thought of telling my 3 little children that dad and I are breaking up or that I had been unfaithful (when they're older, obviously) is enough to kill the fantasy stone dead. Also the thought of hurting my dh, when he is such a good guy. He doesn't deserve that.
I am careful however never to allow myself be put in a situation where I would be tempted - eg, I don't ever drink to excess as I was a total flirt with alcohol before beginning my relationship with dh. Once the wine hits my head at all it's like a switch is turned on!

Regarding telling your dh, hmm, I'm not sure. Dh and I did, a few years ago (during flirty foreplay, started with celebrities and then moved to real life) and it felt horrific afterwards- I just felt so uncomfortable about it. Some things really are better kept strictly in your head.

sausagefest · 13/09/2016 17:16

From fairly drunken chats with friends you are definitely not alone in this.

donajimena · 13/09/2016 17:30

I do fancy other people and think ooh what would that be like. Wink I'm human
But to cheat? Oh the subterfuge and deception. I couldn't.
When my ex had an affair it was the lies that wrecked my mental health. I wouldn't have wanted an open relationship but at least I could have told him to sling his hook. I didn't have a say and thats what killed me.
I wouldn't put my lovely partner through it either.

CuriousPorge1975 · 13/09/2016 20:31

Have name changed to ask some questions ShockGrin as am in a bit of a similar situation.

Are these occasional shagfancies just men? Or also women?

AgentCooper · 13/09/2016 20:37

I get this OP. But interestingly enough it's only since I came off the pill at the start of the year. I've had 2 intense crushes on men at work since. In a funny way, it has actually made my sex life with DH better as I feel more turned on, sexier.

DH would never, ever consider an open relationship so these crushes stay as fantasy.