What is happening to me?

[artlessflirt]

I feel like I'm going mad!

Me and OH argued last night after I bought DD (10 months) into bed with me while he was watching the boxing.

He has this way of pushing my buttons, making me feel like a shit mum, letting me go off when I reach my limit and then turning it around and making me feel like the crazy one/bad one.

I get to the point where I question myself and my reaction. I'm suffering from PND and only recently have I started to feel connected to DD. I was enjoying cuddling with her, she was fussy and settled beautifully snuggled up to me. I was wide awake. He claims I was snoring - I wasn't, I know I wasn't. But he manages to tie me up in knots and then step back, telling me I need to calm down, that we are on the same team, that he doesn't know what my problem is.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

Hi,

This really resonates with me. I remember the same happening when my dd was a baby too. I also had pnd. It caused these rows that were explosive and it always ended with me feeling like I was going mad.

It's a horrible place to be. Without being there it's hard to know who was in the wrong. All I can say is that when I felt better, the rows stopped. Not that it was my fault but when you're vulnerable it's possible that you mis understand his meaning and react.

Having a baby is hard. The first one particularly so because no one knows what's happening and it effects the dynamic of your relationship so greatly.

This probably doesn't help much, but I hope it gets better soon. Are you being treated for the pnd? X

What was "wrong" with bringing your dd into bed with you? It's a lovely thing to do.

I honestly don't know what was wrong with it, and that's how I don't know how it descended into what it did!

He kept saying 'I can't believe you bought her into bed with you' and I kept explaining that she was stood up and crying and I didn't mind a cuddle.

She wouldn't settle back in her cot and I was trying to help but he wouldn't let me. He kept saying it over again, and about how he'd be up all night settling her.

I kept explaining that I would be happy to do it, tried to take her back and he wouldn't let me. Saying that I needed to calm down and he wouldn't let me have her. That's what upset me the most and he just kept saying it that I eventually became it and proved his point.

It was horrible. Being denied access to my child, being told off, then losing it myself and feeling that way. I just didn't know what to do.

Then he started saying 'What is wrong with you?' And all sorts which made it worse.

I was getting treatment for my PND. Recently came off ADs since starting back at work and feeling much more like myself again. I just feel horrified every time this happens. It's not me and it doesn't feel like me, but somehow it's what I become.

Your situation sounds very familiar to mine with my ex husband. It took psychotherapy for me to understand that it wasn't me being 'over sensitive', 'mental', 'misunderstanding' but in fact him being emotionally abusive. He had a lovely line in questioning how I did things with our daughter (while not wanting to actively get involved himself) and keeping her from me when she was crying and clearly wanting/needing me. EBF baby. I came off the ADs 18months after he left us and haven't needed them since. Hope things improve for you soon.

I think it's him, not you

What's the rest of your relationship like?

If you've come off the anti-d's and are feeling good for it, do you still have PND? (Apologies if that is an ignorant question).

Or are you having a natural reaction to someone treating you very cruelly?

Well treating you and your DD cruelly!

I don't know if I still have PND. I don't know if I'm just reacting normally to the situation or if I am, genuinely, crazy.

He's just started up again. I've been quiet all day. I just haven't wanted to be dragged into it again, and as soon as we have got home from my parents house he has started poking me again.

I've just wanted quiet, and no arguing

What's he going on about now?

Did he treat you like this before you had baby?

I very much doubt you are crazy op.
Perhaps waking up?

Apparently I'm creating an 'atmosphere' and I've been on my phone texting all day (not true!)

I've had earache so spent lunchtime in bed whilst my parents watched DD, and since then I've just been pottering about.

I don't want to talk about it because it just descends into a row and I can't cope with it.

Before we had DD it was never like this. I just don't understand what's happened.

If you take the assumption you are not crazy, and no longer have PND (going by your earlier comments) what do you think is really going on?

I don't know Panda.

I swing between thinking he's emotionally abusive to believing that the problem is all me.

I find it hard to keep the high ground when I lose it and breakdown. Somehow my tears are proof of what he's saying and proof of my instability and, sometimes, inability to look after DD. And I can't say he is wrong, because clearly it doesn't look good. But I just lose sight of everything, if you see what I mean.

Can you do some reading around on emotional abuse and see if it resonates?

www.yourtango.com/experts/marni-feuerman/signs-abusive-relationship

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8889808

My ex used to push all my buttons and wind me up then stand back when I went off like a crazy woman and laugh. I always thought I had a very short fuse but since he left I have massively increased reserves of patience. I think I read about it on here somewhere about this provocation to get a reaction. Certainly my ex loved doing it.

It sounds to me like he is emotionally abusive. Here is another link (in addition to the two above):
liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

It sounds like gaslighting to me. I think he's emotionally abusive. It seems to be quite common for this sort of abuse to start or become more obvious once the woman has had a baby - more vulnerable, I suppose. I'm sorry, OP. You are perfectly capable of looking after your baby. You looked after her for 9 months while you were growing her, and you've looked after her ever since, PND or no. You are responding to her needs and that seems to be coming naturally to you. Don't doubt yourself. Doubt him. I wish you strength.

Just going by your posts OP he sounds emotionally abusive. If you are still suffering from PND he should be sensitive to that and supporting you. He should be caring and looking out for you. If you weren't "like this" before, and it only happens in relation to him, then he's the common factor.

You haven't described any strange or unusual behaviour on your part. You're just doing the normal everyday stuff that people do when they're looking after a baby. He's the one with the problem.

Interesting that you've been able to get back to work and feel like yourself again when you're there. Have you considered that's because your husband isn't there, so you can relax, be yourself and not have your sanity questioned?

It's really quite upsetting to read of him not letting your comfort your child- any mother would become distressed in that situation. How dare he? He sounds vile.

Can you take dd and go somewhere tonight for a break from this? You can then gather your strength and make a plan.

Starting now, you compose yourself, don't let him see you distressed or riled by him, that's what he wants.

Remain calm, answer his stupid questions/accusations with a polite, bored tone. Be firm, have confidence in yourself and your ability to care for dd.

You are her mother. You know best. Not him.

I do think that getting upset is a completely natural reaction to being bullied. That's what is happening here, OP - he is bullying you.

I agree that he probably does get a kick out of upsetting the OP and then blaming her for being upset, but I think it would take a pretty superhuman effort not to get upset with someone behaving like this.

See, I thought in the early days it was me and my PND. After a traumatic birth I struggled to bond with DD, but that has slowly improved over time.

I don't get stressed if she wakes in the night, I enjoy cuddles and last night it was just lovely to be snuggled up with her. She was safe, I hadn't been drinking and all the pillows were on the floor. We weren't unsafe.

It's almost like he wants me to fall apart. To have her pulled away from me when we were both so content was upsetting. To be trying to hold her and him not letting her was even more so.

Always when these things come to a head, he acts like he's squeaky clean. It's always something I've done or the way I'm asking. According to him I 'scream' at him about stuff - I'm pretty sure I don't. But the more he goes on the more I actually convince myself he's right.

Today I have barely spoken to anyone and he still accused me of screaming at him. I know I haven't, but I'm still second guessing myself and my sanity!

I wish me and DD could leave, but I've tried before and he physically stops me from leaving the house.

It's a common tactic of abusers to make you feel crazy. To twist things and accuse you of things you haven't done. It's called gaslighting.

Please, please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 as soon as you get the chance.

If you are thinking about leaving, perhaps you could start planning how you would do it - a time of day when it's just you and DD (if you're the one who drops off or collects her from childcare, for example) - and the essential items you would need to take (money and cards, your passport and DD's birth certificate being the absolute essentials).

I don't think you will start to feel sane until you get yourself and DD away from this man.

artless

Its not you, its him.

Your child and you need to get away from this man before he really does destroy you from the inside out by continuing to abuse you (and in turn your child). He is the one that screams at you, he is simply projecting his own stuff onto you. Such men really do hate women, all of them. And yes he does want you to fall apart, that is what he is counting on here so you really do become totally and utterly dependent on this individual.

Many abusive men ramp up the abuse of their partner when they are pregnant or after giving birth to their child. His actions are based on power and control; he wants absolute over you.

What support other than MN do you have, can family and friends now rally round you?.

I would talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 when it is safe to do so and enlist their help in getting away from this individual.

It's not you, it's him.

The number of women who no longer need ADs when they live apart from their partner is unbelievable.

Could you turn your phone to Mute and also Record? It won't ring (so attention won't be drawn to it) but it will record everything he says. You could ask a good friend or someone from Women's Aid to listen to it.

XP used to scream viciously in my face "you need to watch the tone of your voice when speaking to me" because he thought I had spoken to him using the wrong "tone".

He was too thick to see the irony of his words. He needed 2 operations for throat nodules from shouting.