What is happening to me?

[artlessflirt]

I feel like I'm going mad!

Me and OH argued last night after I bought DD (10 months) into bed with me while he was watching the boxing.

He has this way of pushing my buttons, making me feel like a shit mum, letting me go off when I reach my limit and then turning it around and making me feel like the crazy one/bad one.

I get to the point where I question myself and my reaction. I'm suffering from PND and only recently have I started to feel connected to DD. I was enjoying cuddling with her, she was fussy and settled beautifully snuggled up to me. I was wide awake. He claims I was snoring - I wasn't, I know I wasn't. But he manages to tie me up in knots and then step back, telling me I need to calm down, that we are on the same team, that he doesn't know what my problem is.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

[ddrmum]

Bless you OP. he clearly doesn't like your attention being elsewhere. Like many MNers, been there & got the t-shirt.
His EA is likely to escalate into physical abuse at some time. I didn't see it coming - even told the Relate counsellor that he would never be violent. He had hit me, tore chunks of hair from my head & smashed my head on the floor within 4wks. Book a day off work, act 'normally,' & take yourself & LO to safety. Contact womens aid or contact the DV unit at the police station. Get yourself on their radar. Above all, stay safe. Wishing you all the best

[TheBakeryQueen]

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0425191656/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1473675733&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=why%20does%20he%20do%20that&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[TheBakeryQueen]

How are you today op?

I hope that you're beginning to realise that it's him that is the problem.

There's a brilliant book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does he Do That? It's absolutely eye opening. If you get chance and it is safe to do so I thoroughly recommend reading it.

[BeMorePanda]

wish me and DD could leave, but I've tried before and he physically stops me from leaving the house.

Terrifying. Could you go to your parents when he is at work and never go back?

As others have said, women's aid should be able to help you.

[abbsismyhero]

my story might help here?

one night my ex kicked off no idea why at me and the kids i had youngest in my arms he ripped him out of them and my fingernail caught his arm as he pulled him away he then screamed at me i had assaulted him and he was calling the police and having me arrested he then shoved my 14 year old into a ladder and my five year old thought he was going for me so he dived in front of me screaming dont hit my mommy he storms off saying he is taking the youngest and having me arrested my daughter was going to care (she isn't his) i begged him to forgive me and to say i begged him for my child back i groveled and apologised to him he finally gave me him back (he was screaming his head off the entire time) he said he would forgive me this time but if i hurt him again i would be in trouble i was then allowed to cook his food like a good wife my middle son pointed out to me my fingernail was hanging off and i was bleeding a few weeks later he was arrested for something else social services got involved and my son detailed his dad making his mom bleed social workers came down on me like a ton of bricks for staying with him

i believed him when he said he would have me arrested and i was terrified for my children but staying was the wrong thing to do

hth

[JontyDoggle37]

OP the last line of your update sent shivers through me "I wish me and DD could leave but I've tried before and he won't let me." Please be very careful with your phone and delete your browsing history, in case he looks at it. And find a way of leaving, before the man who withholds your child, makes you think you're mentally unwell and stops you from leaving the house decides to step things up. Wishing you all the luck in the world and a better future for you and DD.

[BeMorePanda]

XP used to scream viciously in my face "you need to watch the tone of your voice when speaking to me" because he thought I had spoken to him using the wrong "tone".

He was too thick to see the irony of his words. He needed 2 operations for throat nodules from shouting.

[ImperialBlether]

It's not you, it's him.

The number of women who no longer need ADs when they live apart from their partner is unbelievable.

Could you turn your phone to Mute and also Record? It won't ring (so attention won't be drawn to it) but it will record everything he says. You could ask a good friend or someone from Women's Aid to listen to it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

artless

Its not you, its him.

Your child and you need to get away from this man before he really does destroy you from the inside out by continuing to abuse you (and in turn your child). He is the one that screams at you, he is simply projecting his own stuff onto you. Such men really do hate women, all of them. And yes he does want you to fall apart, that is what he is counting on here so you really do become totally and utterly dependent on this individual.

Many abusive men ramp up the abuse of their partner when they are pregnant or after giving birth to their child. His actions are based on power and control; he wants absolute over you.

What support other than MN do you have, can family and friends now rally round you?.

I would talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 when it is safe to do so and enlist their help in getting away from this individual.

[NameChange30]

It's a common tactic of abusers to make you feel crazy. To twist things and accuse you of things you haven't done. It's called gaslighting.

Please, please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 as soon as you get the chance.

If you are thinking about leaving, perhaps you could start planning how you would do it - a time of day when it's just you and DD (if you're the one who drops off or collects her from childcare, for example) - and the essential items you would need to take (money and cards, your passport and DD's birth certificate being the absolute essentials).

I don't think you will start to feel sane until you get yourself and DD away from this man.

[artlessflirt]

See, I thought in the early days it was me and my PND. After a traumatic birth I struggled to bond with DD, but that has slowly improved over time.

I don't get stressed if she wakes in the night, I enjoy cuddles and last night it was just lovely to be snuggled up with her. She was safe, I hadn't been drinking and all the pillows were on the floor. We weren't unsafe.

It's almost like he wants me to fall apart. To have her pulled away from me when we were both so content was upsetting. To be trying to hold her and him not letting her was even more so.

Always when these things come to a head, he acts like he's squeaky clean. It's always something I've done or the way I'm asking. According to him I 'scream' at him about stuff - I'm pretty sure I don't. But the more he goes on the more I actually convince myself he's right.

Today I have barely spoken to anyone and he still accused me of screaming at him. I know I haven't, but I'm still second guessing myself and my sanity!

I wish me and DD could leave, but I've tried before and he physically stops me from leaving the house.

[NameChange30]

I do think that getting upset is a completely natural reaction to being bullied. That's what is happening here, OP - he is bullying you.

I agree that he probably does get a kick out of upsetting the OP and then blaming her for being upset, but I think it would take a pretty superhuman effort not to get upset with someone behaving like this.

[TheBakeryQueen]

Starting now, you compose yourself, don't let him see you distressed or riled by him, that's what he wants.

Remain calm, answer his stupid questions/accusations with a polite, bored tone. Be firm, have confidence in yourself and your ability to care for dd.

You are her mother. You know best. Not him.

[TheBakeryQueen]

It's really quite upsetting to read of him not letting your comfort your child- any mother would become distressed in that situation. How dare he? He sounds vile.

Can you take dd and go somewhere tonight for a break from this? You can then gather your strength and make a plan.

[nicenewdusters]

Just going by your posts OP he sounds emotionally abusive. If you are still suffering from PND he should be sensitive to that and supporting you. He should be caring and looking out for you. If you weren't "like this" before, and it only happens in relation to him, then he's the common factor.

You haven't described any strange or unusual behaviour on your part. You're just doing the normal everyday stuff that people do when they're looking after a baby. He's the one with the problem.

Interesting that you've been able to get back to work and feel like yourself again when you're there. Have you considered that's because your husband isn't there, so you can relax, be yourself and not have your sanity questioned?

[MoMandaS]

It sounds like gaslighting to me. I think he's emotionally abusive. It seems to be quite common for this sort of abuse to start or become more obvious once the woman has had a baby - more vulnerable, I suppose. I'm sorry, OP. You are perfectly capable of looking after your baby. You looked after her for 9 months while you were growing her, and you've looked after her ever since, PND or no. You are responding to her needs and that seems to be coming naturally to you. Don't doubt yourself. Doubt him. I wish you strength.

[NameChange30]

It sounds to me like he is emotionally abusive. Here is another link (in addition to the two above):
liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

[Disappointednomore]

My ex used to push all my buttons and wind me up then stand back when I went off like a crazy woman and laugh. I always thought I had a very short fuse but since he left I have massively increased reserves of patience. I think I read about it on here somewhere about this provocation to get a reaction. Certainly my ex loved doing it.

[BeMorePanda]

Can you do some reading around on emotional abuse and see if it resonates?

www.yourtango.com/experts/marni-feuerman/signs-abusive-relationship

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8889808

[artlessflirt]

I don't know Panda.

I swing between thinking he's emotionally abusive to believing that the problem is all me.

I find it hard to keep the high ground when I lose it and breakdown. Somehow my tears are proof of what he's saying and proof of my instability and, sometimes, inability to look after DD. And I can't say he is wrong, because clearly it doesn't look good. But I just lose sight of everything, if you see what I mean.

[BeMorePanda]

If you take the assumption you are not crazy, and no longer have PND (going by your earlier comments) what do you think is really going on?

[artlessflirt]

Apparently I'm creating an 'atmosphere' and I've been on my phone texting all day (not true!)

I've had earache so spent lunchtime in bed whilst my parents watched DD, and since then I've just been pottering about.

I don't want to talk about it because it just descends into a row and I can't cope with it.

Before we had DD it was never like this. I just don't understand what's happened.

[BeMorePanda]

I very much doubt you are crazy op.
Perhaps waking up?

[BeMorePanda]

What's he going on about now?
Did he treat you like this before you had baby?

[artlessflirt]

I don't know if I still have PND. I don't know if I'm just reacting normally to the situation or if I am, genuinely, crazy.

He's just started up again. I've been quiet all day. I just haven't wanted to be dragged into it again, and as soon as we have got home from my parents house he has started poking me again.

I've just wanted quiet, and no arguing