Fuck off you stupid prick

[Turtlebay]

Fuck off you stupid prick of a husband, who is now giving me the silent treatment because I dared to go to a final wedding dress fitting with my only sister, for whom I am chief bridesmaid.
For daring to leave you to look after your own children for a few fucking hours after you "had a stressful week!" which included a day playing golf instead of working and finishing each day by 4pm latest and then sitting on your arse on the sofa, watching tv and playing crappy games on your phone, waiting for me to get home from work after picking up three children from various childcare, so you can enquire what I am making you for dinner and moan how it is too late as you want to go to the fucking gym for your 2 hour daily session including sitting in the jacuzzi and sauna.

Fuck off! You've spent most of the last year either shouting at me or ignoring me.
Getting angry if your clothes are not washed or I haven't bought the right food or the house is not clean on my 'days off' which are also spent looking after a two year old!
Fuck off! I don't get a fucking day off, this shit is never ending. I haven't had a full nights sleep in over two years, not that you'd know because while I'm wrestling the toddler you're snoring like a fucking pig!

Yes, I know you earn significantly more than me, which obviously means that your needs far more important than mine. Yes,I know that I'm lucky to have you and there are loads of women lining up to take my place. Yes, I also know that I owe my lovely existence to you and if you leave me I will have nothing.
I know this because you tell me frequently, particularly when I haven't had sex with you as often as you expect. Newsflash, being spoken to like shit is not a turn on, so you might want to try changing your approach.

Do you know what? I don't fucking care about any of it any more, I'm sick of it, the whole fucking thing.
I'd love to tell him all this, but as he is ignoring me and won't listen to anything I say, I can't, so I'm ranting here instead. I normally just get on with things but he's proper pissed me off this time, like a switch has been flicked.

I don't expect any replies, I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't need you to tell me to ltb as clearly I know I should, I just don't have the energy for that battle at the moment.

Oh Dear !
Write up the 'Dear John' and pack with his lunchbox/driver's seat.
It's not good behaviour and he's not showing you love.
Take the children, go away for a night, don't tell him and frighten the f**ker to death!
Whilst you're away, evaluate your self worth.
As humans we can change and adapt, no matter what the circumstance.

Op I believe that snap inside you may be detachment kicking in big time. Stay with that - it is a powerful force that will guide you towards an arsehole free future.

This post was Step 1, OP.

There might be many more to make, but you've just started on the path to a new, better, life for you and your kids.

SandyY2K Sun 11-Sep-16 01:11:15
Mathan
Why have you decided to suggest superiority here. I just don't have the tolerance for it. End of.

Because you are implying that women who put up with abuse must have some tolerance for it, and that is not the case.

Lucky you if you nave never been ground down to such an extent that you felt you had no option but to stay right where you were and absorb all the crap someone felt like dumping on you day in and day out.

The aim of abusers is always to make their victims feel they have no options but to do exactly that. The vast majority of them succeed.

Yes, perhaps that poster is lucky. But this thread isn't about her.

Please don't derail another thread, mathanxiety.

I feel (as someone who has been in the position of the OP) that it is supremely unhelpful to hear that someone else wouldn't stand for that sort of treatment. It belittles a woman who is already struggling and being told in a great many ways that she is worthless.

If someone tries to suggest to the OP that she has been remiss in putting up with poor treatment, then I will post what I feel is a salutary reminder that lots of women fall victim to abuse, that it creeps up, and that it is no respecter of intelligence or education or earning power.

As I mentioned, abusers will try to make a victim feel they have no choice but to keep on putting up with their crap.
Yes, I know that I'm lucky to have you and there are loads of women lining up to take my place. Yes, I also know that I owe my lovely existence to you and if you leave me I will have nothing.
I know this because you tell me frequently, particularly when I haven't had sex with you as often as you expect.
We can see that the OP has already heard from her H that she has no better options and has threatened that she will be cast into poverty if she has the temerity to leave and put an end to the ill-treatment.

Great post math good luck OP its not your fault.
I've been in a relationship like this and it really does creep up on you.

There is never a completely right time to make a move that will change your life. But every positive thought you have about a life of your own where you don't have to deal with the daily insults will bring you closer.

An article on mental and emotional disengagement

Start thinking in terms of 'I' and 'me' instead of 'we' and 'us' and eventually you will find you are not thinking 'you' (meaning H) all that much any more.

You'd be well shot of this dead weight op!!! X

Turtle I totally understand what you mean about feeling like you don't have the energy to leave. However, I think you're underestimating hiw much energy it takes to live as you are. I think you'd be amazed at your own ability to re channel that energy, then he much energy you have when the prick is gone.

You need to leave, for yourself & your children. They are NOT better off with you together, they're really not.

You can do it.

Sending my best vibes to you op. He IS a prick .

Thankyou for all your lovely advice and comments.
To those questioning why I tolerate this? I don't fucking know either? I'm not a doormat, I am an intelligent, assertive person. I have a job that I enjoy, albeit low paid, I have a achieved something this year that has taken a lot of hard work and determination and will be invaluable in changing my future, although it will also take a lot of continuing hard work for the next couple of years. But at the end if it I will be in a much stronger position financially so it's worth it.
Thankyou math for your input. You are right, this situation creeps up slowly and before you realise it you are in too deep and just keep putting up with the shit because it seems easier than the alternative.

It's really not as easy as just packing a bag and going, but I am going to start getting things in order. I am in a good position, I already organise the entire running of the household and finances so I can easily sort all that.

The all round easiest scenario would be if he decided to leave, he will not take kindly to me standing up to him and will make my life hell. Therefore I am going to stop facilitating his kept life, not all at once as I can't deal with the fallout, but I will gradually detach and stop tiptoeing around him.

This shit has been going on for years, to the poster who recommended recording all the shitty behaviour. I think this will be key, as I've felt like this many times in the past and after telling him I've had enough, he then turns on the charm and I have a glimmer of hope that we will be a happy family so agree to stick with it.
To be fair, it's never been great, it's not a relationship with highs and lows. It's either mediocre or downright dreadful and I'm realising I don't want my life to be like that.

I was in your shoes a few years ago. Just after the 'other women are after me' stage he had an affair with a friend of mine and left for her. I was bloody thrilled! Let's hope that whilst you're planning your exit he does make things easier and takes some 'lucky' lady up on her offer.

When he's gone you will have every other weekend to catch up on your sleep and the world will be a much brighter place!

#teamTurtle

I've been there too. It is so draining, emotionally and physically.

I started slowly detaching and began doing things for myself that I hadn't done in a long time. Simple things like seeing family and friends occasionally.

When the split came I was ready. You can only do what works best for you. The one thing that kept me going was what other posters have said, looking into the future and knowing I couldn't live the rest of my life so angry and miserable.

Good luck with everything.

I was going to say beware when he turns on the charm, OP, but you beat me to it.

Good luck in detaching. You'll get support here.

You're in charge of the finances. At least he "allows" you to have that autonomy. This gives you a golden opportunity! Open a bank account in your sole name if you don't already have one and start stashing small sums away. Even if it means getting a tenner on "cash-back" every time you go grocery shopping.

You need to play the long game now. Having money he doesn't know about and a record of all of your shared assets including both of your pensions should strengthen your resolve.

The turn2us website should let you know what benefits you could be entitled to. Kindly note than whatever he can be "encouraged" to pay you in child-support is not taken into consideration what calculating your benefits. I think for three children he should be coughing up about 25% of his income. HOWEVER with such an entitled and selfish prick on your hands I can practically guarantee that you'll have to fight tooth-and-nail to get a penny from him. And it will be doubly difficult if he's self employed.

You're right, he is a stupid prick. And he's the stupid prick you should be making long-term plans to divest yourself of.

Some things I did to squirrel money away when I was in a similar situation-
Topcashback. I made £300 on that last month. changed a few of my utility suppliers and just did my normal grocery shop.
Do your grocery shop in store if you have a high grocery bill. Find ways to cut your shopping bill, switch brands etc whatever you need to do. Then whatever you've saved get as cashback at the till. this will mean he won't be able to see you've got money out. ie if your shop is normally £500 for the month (just for ease of maths, no idea what it actually is ofc) switch brands, buy one get one free deals, fresh whole chicken rather than chicken pieces etc stuff like that will save you money. Say you get your bill to £400, get £100 cashback at the till(If they will allow you to) as this will show in your bank statement as £500 transaction at x store, rather than anything else.
Alternatively take cash out at the ATM and pay with your shopping with that.
Get payment cards for your water, council tax and anything else you can.
Then when you pay them, do it all in one go and round up. If the bills come to £275, take out £300. Save the £25. Can you go out for coffee once a week etc without much bother? great if you can. Go to town, Withdraw £20 for your 'coffee and cake with a friend'' then just walk around for an hour, or sit in a cheaper coffee shop on your own with a very cheap coffee. Christmas and birthdays (If you're close enough/comfortable to ask) ask friends and family for cash or gift vouchers. Gift vouchers will be fab at furnishing your new place without him.
Keep your eye on the prize, freedom. Take what you can, however you can, for as long as possible. Then one day when you know he's out of the house and the kids are too, pack up everything you can, write a note (So he cannot phone the police and report you missing) Phone womens aid, Grab the kids and go. Phone non emergency police to let them know you've left an abusive man. see a solicitor. Work out your benefit entitlements(If applicable) and claim them.You can do this.

In similar situation here too Turtle so I very much identified with your post. I have decided to start disengaging and preparing myself financially. Felt great this am when he started having a go at me for no reason I said I dont need to listen to this and went upstairs to finish my coffee. He was I think a bit flummoxed! Have decided to start saving for day I leave his sorry ass, lose weight as have allowed myself to comfort eat and disengage and refuse to be drawn into stupid nasty arguments.

You go girl!!!

One step at a time you'll get there - KOKO

You certainly won't miss him when he's gone will you, doesn't actually involve himself or do anything.

Great advice from Cocklodger about squirreling away money.

I started to do similar, a year before I threw ex Twunt out.

In my head I called it my F.U.F. = Fuck U Fund!

He bought me a lovely dress from Monsoon for Christmas, I returned it and stuck the cash in my fund, really loved that dress but focused on the future.

Good luck x

The all round easiest scenario would be if he decided to leave, he will not take kindly to me standing up to him and will make my life hell.

Two things here:
(1) You can give yourself permission to draw a line under what you are dealing with and move on with your own life.
(2) You have rights, and there are bottom lines here that you can stop him from crossing via non molestation orders. He will have a solicitor who will also give him advice about his behaviour.

Any threats of physical violence can be put in the hands of the police, and obv actual violence too - don't hesitate to call police.

Common or garden obnoxiousness is much harder, but you may find comfort in the fact that you are not listening for his key in the door.

When you are ready, set up an e-mail address and get a phone especially for communication from him. Don't let him contaminate or colonise your normal everyday numbers or means of access.

Try reading 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven, the author of the Women's Aid Freedom Programme.

This will probably be my one and only post. I inadvertently ended up reading this post and felt quite angry about this guy. And I'm a guy!
Why should you have to leave the family home at all. He is the one trashing your marriage and treating your house like his own man cave.
All of his behaviour - all of it - is completely unacceptable. But why should you go? I would get somebody in to change the locks and tell him to shape up or fuck off for good. Until he can show that he is prepared to change 180 degrees then he doesn't get back in. He probably can't look after himself anyway. Sorry to say this but are you even sure he's playing golf and not off somewhere visiting an escort? I can't think why he would treat any woman like this if he didn't have a very instrumental view of women and that includes seeing women only as objects of his pathetic selfish desires.
Is there no brother or uncle or ballsy sister who could give him an ultimatum? He probably only acts to such an exaggerated extent because he can get away with it. There's no spotlight on him showing his shitty behaviour to other people. He should also realise the damage he's done to his own character. No-one else will ever want him if and when you leave. It might be impossible to get those kinks ironed out of his personality.
Anyway you sound like the kind of person who has character, who will be able to start again, and who will thrive outside this awful shadow over your life. It's only when you step outside the mundane that things will open up for you. It can't happen beforehand. You need to envisage your new life and all things that could be different but also... what would I like to try for the first time? What will be the marker that will make my new life MY new life and not some faint reflection of the old ways.
I hope you don't mind a guy offering some advice. I was strangely touched by your anger! Good luck!!! You can do this!

Phil you are a year too late!
This thread ended Sept 2016!

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