Hate my life but cannot seem to make any changes

[TicketOutOfHere]

NC'ed for obvious reasons.

Been together with my DP for 16 years. About 13 years too long. It is a boring relationship and I feel like I am in prison! I so want to make the change and leave, but I feel guilty and scared and worried about the future for myself and my DP.

DP earns far, far less than I do. If I leave him, he will definitely be far worse off than me. He keeps mentioning this and so instead of seeing him suffer I have ended up suffering myself in this tedious relationship. I feel angry that I am in this situation. It is not my fault that DP did not finish school and now has no ambition to go any further in his career and therefore earn the money that would allow him the live the lifestyle he wants. I feel like his mother, his maid, his keeper. I hate it! We also have a dog which he loves to death. I feel like we are only together because of the dog. I feel incredibly guilty for even considering breaking up his cosy little lifestyle here. Unfortunately I promised him a few years ago that we’d move to a bigger house and I’d give him a better life, but I just can’t honour that promise because I do not want him! I’ve tried to break it off with him several times, as gently as I can, but he immediately brings up how much his lifestyle will change and how he is not prepared to give up the dog (and yet he says he cannot take the dog with him either as he says he’ll have to move so far out of town as he cannot afford anything nearby and therefore it isn’t fair on dog as he'll have to do lots of commuting which means dog will never see him!). Whenever we have these arguments about breaking up, he brings all these things up which means I then back down (because I just don't want to hurt him) and so we go back to Square One. He keeps saying I promised him a bigger house and now he wants me to deliver.

We have not had sex in several years - at least 6. Our sex life has never been great - mainly because I am not attracted to him. I think I can count the number of times we’ve DTD in all the years we’ve been together on my fingers and toes. He has some weird fetishes which actually put me off him years ago (and as I say, I should have broken this off when I had the chance back in 2003). Don’t get me wrong, he is a nice guy, but I do not believe he is with me because he loves me so much. He is here because it is financially beneficial for him. I have spoilt him by allowing him to live with me for free. Now I cannot get rid of him!

I met someone else at work about 8 years ago. I felt an immediate attraction towards him. I don’t know why as he is not my type physically at all. It was such a shock to feel such excitement around another man. I go weak at the knees just thinking about him! Anyway, I left that job 3 years later - nothing happened. I think Mr X knew may have had a vague idea about how I felt about him though - I was smitten! We’ve kept vaguely in touch over the years and earlier this year we met up a few times after work as he happened to be working very close my office. Those meetings conjured up all my old feelings for him and I really so so so want to take things further. I am so friggen horny and I keep fantasising about just ripping this man’s clothes off and giving him a right old seeing to right there and then! I cannot help myself. I have really found my MOJO in a very big way. This guy really does not know how much I want him to just fuck me again and again and again and again and I feel so utterly trapped in this godawful situation where I feel I cannot go out and have fun with anyone new. My life is passing me by!!!

What can I do to remove myself from this situation with DP? My best friend, who is a solicitor says I should not under any circumstances move out of my house as DP could just end up squatting in my house and it could take years to remove him. I don’t want too hurt DP. I just wish he’d meet someone else! I have even considered giving DP some money to just move on. But why should I? My money is hard earned, I made many sacrifices to get where I am and I now want to meet someone who is a bit more ambitious and like-minded. Giving DP any money will create serious setbacks for me and my plans. I do not want dependent. I am tired of being the golden goose. This relationship has no affection, no romance or fire. Its just limp and I am here out of duty. If I came home tomorrow and he was just gone I would feel so relieved and so goddamn happy that I had my life back. God I sound awful but I really am not - I just want out of this but I don’t know how without causing a massive upheaval for DP!!!

There may be an element of EA here, but if there is I don't think it is conscious from his side. He just does not want to lose the lifestyle he has become accustomed to. This is the very first thing he brings up whenever we have this argument so it is obvious to me that he is worried about how he will cope if he has to live via his own means.

I have been naive and stupid to be generous in the way I have. I feel like his mother and keeper because ultimately everything is done for him: cooking, laundry, cleaning. He does help out when I ask him to but I very definitely run this household. I don't know why I created this situation of dependence, it has come back to bite me in a big way and it is my fault.

The issue, as a few posters have picked up on, is, I think, more my attitude toward myself than him. I just cannot face seeing him disadvantaged, but at the same time I feel angry that he is dependent on me because it is not like I've had an easy ride either - all my wealth is what I ALONE have earned. I need to find some coping mechanisms of shutting off to his crying / begging when I say it is over.

You hold all the cards here. Decide what you want to give him (if anything) as part of the separation and then throw him out.

You don't love him, you don't even like him. He's stopping you being happy.

Time to start prioritising you.

I would write him a letter telling him everything you've said. And then go away for the weekend. Tell him you expect him to be gone when you get back. Does he have a friend he could stay with while he sorts out somewhere to live?

Tell him you're fed up with your life, and his emotional blackmail.

And when you get back make sure you have a couple of assertive mates with you in case he's still there.

But beforehand get legal advise.

In the lead up to this just distance yourself from him. Go out. Lead your own life.

Try to imagine yourself in 10 years and where you want to be then. Use that as the impetuous to make the changes you need.

Would it be an option to walk away when he starts crying? Go to a hotel for the night so he's deprived of his audience?

You are his golden goose and he doesnt want to loose those golden eggs that you provide him with👛💰💲💳💸

We've all been naïve Im sure but now its time to stop being such a goose!

Ticket, I hear you. You have tried countless times, to have 'The Conversation ', it hasn't worked. How about speaking to a solicitor about your situation, and sending him a letter, stipulating your intentions etc..
You know this can't go on, you will end up miserable. He is a grown man, riding on your back, you are not his Mother, but I suspect it feels this way.
He will cope, there is help out there, and I imagine plenty of emotional blackmail has been going on.
Go ahead, set the ball rolling, then you can go and claw your life back, you can also, climb the other man, like a tree ! 😄💐💐

I feel like his mother and keeper because ultimately everything is done for him: cooking, laundry, cleaning.

Stop doing all of this for him immediately. He is a grown adult and you are not his mum.

This is a very one sided relationship. All to his benefit and your cost.

From your last post you seem to feel overly responsible for him.

He's an adult that is responsible for himself. He will be fine on his own and soon find someone else to meet his needs I'm sure.

Have a look at codependent relationships and see if it fits.

Stop working for him, he's like a lodger with a dog who doesn't pay any rent

Ticket of course it is conscious from his side. It works for him very well. You are prioritising him at your own detriment. Where is his consideration for how you feel and for your life, wants, needs? There is none.

He wants to stay happily in Hotel Ticket. How you feel about that does not matter to him.

This is currently a one way street to getting what he wants at the expense of your life. Of course he knows this.

Ticket you need to put yourself first. Yes you are scared but just accept that and end it anyway. This is going to sound like scaremongering but I am going to say it anyway - your DP could end up seriously ill any day or could be involved in an accident and then you will be going nowhere and this will be your life forever. Get the hell out while you can.

I met someone once who told me he had left his home country and all his family. It turns out he had a partner of 7 years and even though he had fallen out of love with her he couldn't face hurting her and upsetting both families and so despite being really unhappy he stayed.

They were in the car one day and had a horrific crash which left her paralysed from the neck down. He was only 25 years old and had to become her carer. It was horrendous for her but also for him. He literally walked out of his life one day and left everything behind. He wrote a letter explaining why.

When I met him I was considering leaving my long term partner and told him I couldn't leave because I was so scared of upsetting everyone else.

When he told me what happened to him I ended the relationship I was in and never looked back. He told me to put myself first.

I met him about 28 years ago and have never seen him since but I have used his advice on several occasions for a range of different reasons.

You don't love him, leave him.

No good advice but I really feel for you, and hope you get the strength to walk away. You are not responsible for his life, he is. So what's best for you.

I do wonder what you learnt about relationships when growing up. What sort of an example did your parents set you; after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from them. I also think one of your parents (most likely your mother) taught you how to be co-dependent in relationships.

I would read up on co-dependency in relationships and see how much that fits in with you and your behaviours. You keep saying that you do not want to hurt him but he has not ever shown you that consideration; he has latched onto you and does not want to let go. He certainly gets what he wants out of this relationship i.e. someone to look after him. I would not give him any money to leave either.

Does he give your happiness any consideration at all? If the tables were turned do you think he would stay, just to make you happy? It really doesn't sound like it. Also have you thought about how you will feel another 10 years down the line, if you don't do something about this now. It sounds like you have given up enough of your life trying to make him happy. Get out there and live your own life. You may even find that he is happier too in the long run.

I think you just have to bite the bullet no matter how uncomfortable the consequences. What's the alternative? You'll be stuck for another 16 years if you don't. Are there friends or family he can stay with? Think about it this way, he's using you to fund his life style and feels he's entitled to do so why on earth should you care about the feelings of someone who can treat you so poorly? Cut him loose today.

Well if you feel so bad give him some cash?

if nothing changes nothing changes!

His response doesn't change so you need to change how you respond to the situation

If you won't do that then please don't complain about it as that really is just pointless and solves nothing!

If he thinks OP is truly serious about leaving might he resort to desperate measure to keep her trapped?
Suicide attempts?

His response is to be upset about losing his lifestyle, not about losing you...

That should tell you everything you need to know about how he feels about you. He loves the money, not you.

Get rid.

You have much more power than you think you do.

Choice 1) You do nothing. You put his needs first and stay with him for the rest of your life. You lead a sad life, with a Partner you don't love. You never have sex again. Eventually, you die of old age.

Choice 2) You tell him tonight, that you don't want to be together any more, and this time you mean it. You give him 30 days to pack his stuff and find new lodgings. The ensuing 30 days are really shit, lots of crying from him etc and you feel awful. However, come 11th October, he leaves and you close the door behind him. In late 2017, you meet the Love of your life. He is everything you've ever dreamed of. Handsome, trust worthy and the sex is amazing.You feel alive! In 2019, you and he get married. In 2020, you have your first child. In 2022, you have your second child. You go on to raise your family and have a really fulfilling life. You eventually die of old age, surrounded by your children and grandchildren, You led a wonderfully happy life.

Ok, a bit Mills and Boon, but.....What are you going to pick?

In the nicest way possible, as they say on MN, it's time to put your big girl pants on, and pick choice no 2.

30 days of a shit storm, but so worth it to be free.

It took 4 months of living under the same roof, for me. 4 months of being begged not to leave, being shouted at etc. It was horrid, but, it was SO worth it, to trade that for getting a better life.

I now have a lovely DH, literally the love of my life. That 4 months of shit was worth it!

30 days is very generous, I would give much less time and enough cash to see him in a decent flat which he can then afford to keep. Of course he will cry and wail but when are you going to start to feel nothing but disgust for someone so manipulative and who has so little self respect.

And make sure he is registered with a GP to get help with his depression. You are not his GP.

Any suicidal threats cal 101 each and every time.

Look at it this way OP. You would be doing both of you a favour by splitting up. He's not happy and neither are you. Neither of you are living your lives to their fullest potential and do you really want to be 80 and look back on this as the only serious long term relationship of your life? Its not right for either of you,

Time to show some tough love both for yourself and for him. It will be the best thing for both of you.

It's never nice to hurt someone you care about but put yourself in his shoes. Would he think twice about hurting you?
He is using you for money and if you died and left him money, he wouldn't mourn your passing, he'd be too busy spending it up and living off your hard earned cash.
He is a gold digger and he is emotionally abusing you to fund his lifestyle.
I stayed in a relationship for 4 years because I thought no one else would ever want me and I felt trapped. I then met my now DH while with my ex and left with my 2 year old daughter and pretty much the clothes on our backs. He had a mortgage which we got while engaged, but as I was a SAHM I wasn't on the mortgage so I was effectively a tenant. All the furniture was mine, yet I walked away with nothing and it was the best decision I ever made.
The last 9 years have been the happiest of my life and I look back now and think where would I be if I'd stuck with my ex? Either a shadow of myself, or I would have swallowed the pills I contemplated swallowing on a regular basis.
You get one life and it is passing you by while you care for a man who can't care for himself. You're hurting yourself in your efforts not to hurt him. It's time you put yourself first for once!
Tell him in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over and that he has 2 weeks to find alternative accommodation. When he starts to cry and beg, stay strong, turn your back on him and leave the room. If he continues to follow you, leave the house. Go and sit in the car for a few hours, let him see you're serious.
When you can seek legal advise on evicting him from your home, and after the two weeks are up wait until he is out and change the locks. He'll soon see you are serious.
You have no marriage, no joint mortgage and no children. The only thing binding him to you is your guilt, so it's time to cut that too xxx

Agree with whoever need to ditch the idea that have to be nice.

It is very, very liberating once you realise that.

Be fair, be the better person, act with kindness, but realise that you are under no obligation whatsoever to be 'nice'

Thank you all so much for your replies.

You're all speaking so much sense! I know this is what I have to do. I don't want to end up regretting my life. I've wasted 13 years already! I need to find the strength to do it. What I don't want, is yet another scene where we just travel down same the same road as we've always done. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. My response to his reaction when I broach this subject has always been to clam up and retract, avoiding any nasty conflict and in doing so allowing this to continue and - of course - validating his belief that I actually don't want to leave him after all. I might try to enlist the help of a councillor and some of the stuff various posters have said appears to be related to my behaviour now - for example I come from a background where I saw my mother emotionally, physically, financially and verbally abused by what i am ashamed to call my alcoholic, revolting excuse for a father. I don't want to give the wrong impression - I do not believe that my DP is at all in any way comparable to that horrible oaf, but it might explain why I cannot leave a situation I do not like, having seen my own mother endure a truly terrible situation for the first 17 years of my life. Help is needed to explore this. Thank you for your insights Mums-netters. I appreciate it. xxxxx