Hate my life but cannot seem to make any changes

[TicketOutOfHere]

NC'ed for obvious reasons.

Been together with my DP for 16 years. About 13 years too long. It is a boring relationship and I feel like I am in prison! I so want to make the change and leave, but I feel guilty and scared and worried about the future for myself and my DP.

DP earns far, far less than I do. If I leave him, he will definitely be far worse off than me. He keeps mentioning this and so instead of seeing him suffer I have ended up suffering myself in this tedious relationship. I feel angry that I am in this situation. It is not my fault that DP did not finish school and now has no ambition to go any further in his career and therefore earn the money that would allow him the live the lifestyle he wants. I feel like his mother, his maid, his keeper. I hate it! We also have a dog which he loves to death. I feel like we are only together because of the dog. I feel incredibly guilty for even considering breaking up his cosy little lifestyle here. Unfortunately I promised him a few years ago that we’d move to a bigger house and I’d give him a better life, but I just can’t honour that promise because I do not want him! I’ve tried to break it off with him several times, as gently as I can, but he immediately brings up how much his lifestyle will change and how he is not prepared to give up the dog (and yet he says he cannot take the dog with him either as he says he’ll have to move so far out of town as he cannot afford anything nearby and therefore it isn’t fair on dog as he'll have to do lots of commuting which means dog will never see him!). Whenever we have these arguments about breaking up, he brings all these things up which means I then back down (because I just don't want to hurt him) and so we go back to Square One. He keeps saying I promised him a bigger house and now he wants me to deliver.

We have not had sex in several years - at least 6. Our sex life has never been great - mainly because I am not attracted to him. I think I can count the number of times we’ve DTD in all the years we’ve been together on my fingers and toes. He has some weird fetishes which actually put me off him years ago (and as I say, I should have broken this off when I had the chance back in 2003). Don’t get me wrong, he is a nice guy, but I do not believe he is with me because he loves me so much. He is here because it is financially beneficial for him. I have spoilt him by allowing him to live with me for free. Now I cannot get rid of him!

I met someone else at work about 8 years ago. I felt an immediate attraction towards him. I don’t know why as he is not my type physically at all. It was such a shock to feel such excitement around another man. I go weak at the knees just thinking about him! Anyway, I left that job 3 years later - nothing happened. I think Mr X knew may have had a vague idea about how I felt about him though - I was smitten! We’ve kept vaguely in touch over the years and earlier this year we met up a few times after work as he happened to be working very close my office. Those meetings conjured up all my old feelings for him and I really so so so want to take things further. I am so friggen horny and I keep fantasising about just ripping this man’s clothes off and giving him a right old seeing to right there and then! I cannot help myself. I have really found my MOJO in a very big way. This guy really does not know how much I want him to just fuck me again and again and again and again and I feel so utterly trapped in this godawful situation where I feel I cannot go out and have fun with anyone new. My life is passing me by!!!

What can I do to remove myself from this situation with DP? My best friend, who is a solicitor says I should not under any circumstances move out of my house as DP could just end up squatting in my house and it could take years to remove him. I don’t want too hurt DP. I just wish he’d meet someone else! I have even considered giving DP some money to just move on. But why should I? My money is hard earned, I made many sacrifices to get where I am and I now want to meet someone who is a bit more ambitious and like-minded. Giving DP any money will create serious setbacks for me and my plans. I do not want dependent. I am tired of being the golden goose. This relationship has no affection, no romance or fire. Its just limp and I am here out of duty. If I came home tomorrow and he was just gone I would feel so relieved and so goddamn happy that I had my life back. God I sound awful but I really am not - I just want out of this but I don’t know how without causing a massive upheaval for DP!!!

[Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme]

Wow,your kindness has been taken for weakness.he knows what to say and do to get you to do as he pleases.if you were a friend of mine I'd of helped you get rid of him years ago....haven't your friends tried to help you ? Have you thought about putting the house up for sale? Hopefully it's only in yr name..you move.fresh start.he moves on.failing that.tell him it's over.give him two weeks clear his stuff .then contact the police

[PuffPastry314]

SicParvisMagna, same here, except, two kids and a debt! my x was so canny financially. He risked nothing, shared nothing. I left with nothing but dependants and debts and yet he still made it really hard for me to leave and I didn't regret it ever for a second.

Saying over and over again "This relationship is over" in reply to whatever pull on your heart string he tugs might bore him in to slinking away. If he doesn't go at the end of a week (somebody mentioned 30 days! way too long). I'd give him a letter saying you don't love him, the relationship isn't good for you, it's not what you want and you look forward to your space and freedom''. Be completely unequivocal. Say that you will come back to the house and if he's not gone you will ask for women's aid's advice to get rid of him.

[RandomMess]

To be brutal I would book yourself into therapy and serve him with an eviction notice - don't engage in discussion because you know he has to go and he will say ANYTHING to keep you stuck in the guilt trap.

I would also stop his washing/shopping/cleaning etc. stop subsidising him financially and practically...

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Glad we could be of help Ticket.
Sometimes we all need a nudge in the right direction, and a little support along the way.
Mumsnet is great, like having a little family of friends, always at hand, day or night, in a secret cupboard.
Do be strong, and keep us informed xxx

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Ticket,

re your comment:-
"I might try to enlist the help of a councillor and some of the stuff various posters have said appears to be related to my behaviour now - for example I come from a background where I saw my mother emotionally, physically, financially and verbally abused by what i am ashamed to call my alcoholic, revolting excuse for a father. I don't want to give the wrong impression - I do not believe that my DP is at all in any way comparable to that horrible oaf, but it might explain why I cannot leave a situation I do not like, having seen my own mother endure a truly terrible situation for the first 17 years of my life".

This is why I asked you about what you learnt about relationships when growing up. The above explains a lot actually; alcoholism is truly a family disease that does not just affect the alcoholic. There is often co-dependency in such relationships and I think you learnt how to be co-dependent as a result. That was just one of many damaging lessons you were taught.

Re counselling BACP are good and do not charge the earth. NHS waiting lists can be long and the number of sessions can be limited. You need to bear in mind also that counsellors are like shoes; you need to find someone who fits. Therefore the first person you see may not be the right one.

Do not waste any more years with this man.

[BeMorePanda]

Keep reminding yourself you don't need to talk things over with him. It's all been said before over and over again. You don't need to put yourself through that X

[ImperialBlether]

I'm sorry he has depression but anyone who says "You can't leave me because my lifestyle will suffer" (and he hasn't eg given up work to bring up the children) is so selfish - that is not the depression talking, that's him and his entitlement talking.

How much do you think it would cost you to pay for a month or two's rent, deposit and estate agent's fees? I would be tempted to go into an estate agent's and try to sort this out. Obviously his name goes on the rentbook and obviously you are not the guarantor.

[BeMorePanda]

How's your weekend going Ticket?