Hate my life but cannot seem to make any changes

[TicketOutOfHere]

NC'ed for obvious reasons.

Been together with my DP for 16 years. About 13 years too long. It is a boring relationship and I feel like I am in prison! I so want to make the change and leave, but I feel guilty and scared and worried about the future for myself and my DP.

DP earns far, far less than I do. If I leave him, he will definitely be far worse off than me. He keeps mentioning this and so instead of seeing him suffer I have ended up suffering myself in this tedious relationship. I feel angry that I am in this situation. It is not my fault that DP did not finish school and now has no ambition to go any further in his career and therefore earn the money that would allow him the live the lifestyle he wants. I feel like his mother, his maid, his keeper. I hate it! We also have a dog which he loves to death. I feel like we are only together because of the dog. I feel incredibly guilty for even considering breaking up his cosy little lifestyle here. Unfortunately I promised him a few years ago that we’d move to a bigger house and I’d give him a better life, but I just can’t honour that promise because I do not want him! I’ve tried to break it off with him several times, as gently as I can, but he immediately brings up how much his lifestyle will change and how he is not prepared to give up the dog (and yet he says he cannot take the dog with him either as he says he’ll have to move so far out of town as he cannot afford anything nearby and therefore it isn’t fair on dog as he'll have to do lots of commuting which means dog will never see him!). Whenever we have these arguments about breaking up, he brings all these things up which means I then back down (because I just don't want to hurt him) and so we go back to Square One. He keeps saying I promised him a bigger house and now he wants me to deliver.

We have not had sex in several years - at least 6. Our sex life has never been great - mainly because I am not attracted to him. I think I can count the number of times we’ve DTD in all the years we’ve been together on my fingers and toes. He has some weird fetishes which actually put me off him years ago (and as I say, I should have broken this off when I had the chance back in 2003). Don’t get me wrong, he is a nice guy, but I do not believe he is with me because he loves me so much. He is here because it is financially beneficial for him. I have spoilt him by allowing him to live with me for free. Now I cannot get rid of him!

I met someone else at work about 8 years ago. I felt an immediate attraction towards him. I don’t know why as he is not my type physically at all. It was such a shock to feel such excitement around another man. I go weak at the knees just thinking about him! Anyway, I left that job 3 years later - nothing happened. I think Mr X knew may have had a vague idea about how I felt about him though - I was smitten! We’ve kept vaguely in touch over the years and earlier this year we met up a few times after work as he happened to be working very close my office. Those meetings conjured up all my old feelings for him and I really so so so want to take things further. I am so friggen horny and I keep fantasising about just ripping this man’s clothes off and giving him a right old seeing to right there and then! I cannot help myself. I have really found my MOJO in a very big way. This guy really does not know how much I want him to just fuck me again and again and again and again and I feel so utterly trapped in this godawful situation where I feel I cannot go out and have fun with anyone new. My life is passing me by!!!

What can I do to remove myself from this situation with DP? My best friend, who is a solicitor says I should not under any circumstances move out of my house as DP could just end up squatting in my house and it could take years to remove him. I don’t want too hurt DP. I just wish he’d meet someone else! I have even considered giving DP some money to just move on. But why should I? My money is hard earned, I made many sacrifices to get where I am and I now want to meet someone who is a bit more ambitious and like-minded. Giving DP any money will create serious setbacks for me and my plans. I do not want dependent. I am tired of being the golden goose. This relationship has no affection, no romance or fire. Its just limp and I am here out of duty. If I came home tomorrow and he was just gone I would feel so relieved and so goddamn happy that I had my life back. God I sound awful but I really am not - I just want out of this but I don’t know how without causing a massive upheaval for DP!!!

Yes don't think gender is important here whatsoever.

I just spent half an hour writing a response before your update OP. I hit a bloody ad!

For context, I'm a woman I was in exactly your shoes, but a world of EA towards me. I wouldn't be so quick to jump to his defence, mine new exactly what he was doing it took me to be called beautiful by a man on a work night out I had to go too for me to realise I hadn't been held for 10 years and I wanted to feel loved.

I wI'll rewrite after feeding time in the zoo as may help you.

To everyone else saying its a male, wtf difference would that make? Op never said they would cheat, EA is EA - what your saying is it is very ok for a man not to be in a loving relationship want to leave but have to stay to finance a lifestyle a woman with no children has become accustomed too. Shock horror men actually deserve mutual love and respect as much as woman do.

ps, google The dripping Tap technique.

My x used to argue with everything I said, and the problem was that I was looking for his blessing to break it off. He was never going to admit ''yes you are justified''. He just turned it all around. Like I'd no right to end it on the grounds that I am not perfect either. Round and round it went until I stopped trying to protect his feelings while simultaneously looking for his approval to dump him!

As somebody said upthread, get a stock phrase that can't be argued with and repeat it over and over and over again in response to any argument.

"I don't love you'' sounds cruel to your ears but it can't be argued with.
"living with you makes me unhappy"

We are not married.

We have no joint debts (the mortgage belongs to me solely).

We have no children.

Yayme - you are right. I need some coping techniques and strategies for handling the situations when he cries and begs and I end up bent on another guilt trip.

Ticket here is a radical but very simple concept. You don't have to argue.

Think about it, everything that you would argue about has been said before. Over and over again no doubt. And what has it achieved? Probably nothing but keeping you in the same position you don't want to be in. And a lot of negative heightened emotions and stress. Just thinking about past arguing is stressing you out.

If you want to leave, and it makes perfect sense for both of you to end this relationship, all you need to do is tell him. Don't argue. Stick to repeating your chosen message over and over or say nothing.

It seems he knows full well, if you argue he can get you feeling very guilty and sad and he gets his way and gets to stay put living at your (financial, emotional, physical, sexual) cost.

Really, arguing is pointless and a device to keep you in the status quo.

Be radical. Don't argue. Walk away, go for a drive, walk the dog. Don't argue. Don't reply. Stick to your position. After the notice period is up change the locks if you can. It sounds harsh but it also sounds as though this man is determined to stay connected with you, despite your wishes, until the end of time or until he decides he wants to go.

You matter. Don't argue. You will find it a very refreshing and powerful change.

And please read this if you haven't alreadyRight, listen up everybody.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

TicketOutOfHere, if I am wrong and you are indeed a woman, then I am sorry, but my response had nothing to do with you being the sole breadwinner (FWIW, I was the sole breadwinner in my household.) It was more to do with the manner of your posting.

That said, I completely see why you want to get out and I think you should. However, you do need to make provision for your OP as that's only fair. I wouldn't feel guilty as you entitled to a life.

I would sell the house, give him some money then move on.

When he cried and begs go out. Move away from him. It is a ploy to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

I would also sell, if he has been contributing he may be entitled to something. You & I mean this in the nicest way have almost led him on with false promises and belief you will stay with him and so enabled him to be the way he is. You must for both your sakes tell him how you feel, be strong, do not give in. Leave and go out if must be. Selling is the simplest way in all this. I get you don't want to lower your future expectations however he has no choice and in any relationship breakdown it's normal both parties take some kind of hit. You are not helping him or yourself by carrying on.

Tell him tonight. No excuses, no waiting for another day.

The more I think about this the more and more abusive it is reading. It reads like he is emotionally and financially abusing you.

Ticket when you say you feel like is keeper and mum, how is the housework etc divided up between you?

Do you think his life is also sexless or is he expressing his fetish elsewhere?

He sounds emotionally manipulative. Op hasn't led him on. People make plans and then feelings change, that's just part of life. Him demanding you 'come through' on your promises when you've not had sex for years and he knows you have wanted to end the relationship several times is totally self serving.

I would get some therapy op if you can to help you understand why you are stuck in this situation.

Break up are never nice but You are free to leave at any point. There's a much happier life waiting for you.

I probably shouldn't have used the words led him on but I still feel she has not corrected him and therefore let him believe she is in agreement

he gets upset and starts crying and carrying on about how much a breakup will affect his lifestyle

He has the the most bizarre way of trying to persuade someone not to break up with him

OP, there's no reason why you can't be kind in terms of him setting up his new lifestyle, but ultimately you are not responsible for it.

Agree with Panda, try not to engage or argue with him
Remember that for a relationship to be worthwhile it needs to be mutually beneficial, from your description this sounds mutually detrimental.
It's not really doing him any good either is it, he must know at some level that you don't want to be with him, fear of losing you is driving him to various methods to blackmail you into staying.
You both need to be released from this prison

HotWater she has also let him know many times that she wants to leave the relationship. And they don't have sex. Not much mixed about that, other than he is very good at manipulating her to stay put.

he immediately brings up how much his lifestyle will change and how he is not prepared to give up the dog (and yet he says he cannot take the dog with him either as he says he’ll have to move so far out of town as he cannot afford anything nearby and therefore it isn’t fair on dog as he'll have to do lots of commuting which means dog will never see him!). Whenever we have these arguments about breaking up, he brings all these things up which means I then back down (because I just don't want to hurt him) and so we go back to Square One. He keeps saying I promised him a bigger house and now he wants me to deliver

And?
And?
His dog his problem
When he brings these things up don't respond, or just say 'you'll find a solution' but don't get drawn in any further
Come on what's in this for you, why should you sacrifice yourself like this, go out and live your life

I'll tell you why he loves the dog so much, its such a useful tool to blackmail you with that's why!

Not married, no kids I think any advice to get rid would apply to either sex tbh.

It takes 2 to argue, just refuse and walk away from any emotional crap he dishes out.

See the dog thing as on par as the manipulation men dish out about getting custody of the kids, it's not the same, just see it as that. Designed to pull on your heart.

I think you're going to have to be cold hearted with him and see it through. Life is passing you by man and life can be damned good. His depression and any suicide crap he might pull should not be owned by you.

Shining is right. You are sacrificing your life at the moment. You know this too. Time to reclaim your life ticket.

Find a reputable couples counsellor who can help you (together) through the separation process.

I don't think you owe him anything at all, but make it easier on yourself and go through a neutral third party.

Oh boy this guy is a devious article.

He knows that being nice is a part of your identity I think.

So all he has to do to keep you is to imply that dumping him is 'not nice'.

You're going to have to let go of caring whether he thinks you're nice. If he pulls on your heart strings or says that you're being cold-hearted or cruel, don't argue that you're not cruel or cold-hearted or whatever he says.

Says, ''see it that way if you like that is your prerogative''.

What if you were to seperate but remain friends?
Perhaps you could spend a certain amount of time with him and still be a supportive influence iin his life?

Or maybe it'll turn out he rejects that because he really only wants you for the money and the big house

he might just try and find himself another sugar momma...

I would not do couples counselling with him. Do your own counselling by all mean, it will be useful. But your really not a couple and he is manipulative. So not a good idea.

Oh dear the typos

But your really not a couple and he is manipulative. So not a good idea.

It is, if all parties are fully aware of why they are there. It's quite common.

Alternatively, you could even use the first session to tell him you will be separating. It's a safe space and he will not be able to manipulate you.