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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Accidently told his friends we are having trouble in bed.

100 replies

MrsGrumpyPaddy · 05/09/2016 18:38

A bit of background... We haven't really had sex since DH started taking anti-depressants about 2 and half years ago. Low libido is one of the side effects but is supposed to wear off after a few months. He says he is tired as works long days. He spends a most evenings in the pub after work. We have small children. It's really getting me down, no matter what I try he knocks me back.

We had a rare night off on Friday as kids were away. We went to the local pub and met two of his drinking buddies. We all had a bit to drink, especially me. Someone made a comment about us having a dirty night in as DC were away and I said something like 'fat chance', anyway as the night went on I made a few more not very nice comments about the lack of sex, somehow one of his friends (the type who can get hold of anything) was offering to get us some Viagra. It was all laughs and jokes and everyone seemed fine. At the time I didn't think anything of it, we went home and to sleep.

He is now furious with me and says I made a C* of him in front of everyone by discussing his personal business in the pub. He says it's grounds for divorce. He has never been this mad with me.

Looking back he is right, I shouldn't said anything, one comment might not have been so bad, but put everything together and basically I was telling everyone that he can't get it up.

I also now realise that I hit closer to the mark than I'd known, I think it's not than he doesn't want to do it anymore but that he can't.

Help, how do I fix his reputation?

Does anyone have any advice for the sex problem?

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 05/09/2016 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 05/09/2016 19:55

You behaved badly but he hadn't behaved very well either and isn't taking responsibility for the lack of Sex. I think a little bit depends on the closeness of friends and what you would normally reveal to each other.

I think you need to talk a lot more to get through this and come up with a plan. Do you think Dh can forgive you?

0SometimesIWonder · 05/09/2016 19:56

If he's in the pub every night it's hardly surprising he's having trouble.... we used to call it "Brewer's Droop".

HandyWoman · 05/09/2016 19:56

If you have small children and he's in the pub every night with God knows who (and if they were all laughing and offering viagra then surely these people are just fellow bar-proper-uppers, many of whom have wives and kids at home) then frankly there's enough wrong to warrant an honest, state-of-the nation chat without this drunken indiscretion. I think 'grounds for divorce' and 'treacherous' is a bit strong. Obviously you should offer that heartfelt apology, but I do reckon it's time for the whole cards-on-the table chat now.

Wolpertinger · 05/09/2016 19:56

It's been 2 and a half years, he won't talk about it, address it, go to the doctor or acknowledge it's an issue for you and your marriage. Plus you have small children and he chooses to spend all his limited free time in the pub.

I agree with IPityThePontypines that your subconscious saw an opportunity to force the issue and took it.

You've behaved badly, you apologize in a grovelling manner but if he won't own the problem at all, then the hole in your marriage is only going to get bigger - and you have seen that in the future he is going to claim that the problems are your fault and not his at all.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/09/2016 19:58

I was about to say similar to Trifleorbust - this can't be helping 'He spends most evenings in the pub after work'. Of course he's going to have erection problems in that case!

Whole different issue that you mentioned it to his mates though OP - you know how wrong that was. Don't know how you come back from that now.

ijustwannadance · 05/09/2016 19:58

Whilst I think you were completely out of order, I don't understand how a man with young children and a DP is out at the pub every evening.
Where is your time together as a couple?
Yes, depression is awful, but he clearly needs more help and by ignoring it he was already ruining the relationship before you opened your mouth.

P1nkP0ppy · 05/09/2016 19:58

If he's in the pub every night drinking + antidepressants then it's hardly surprising your sex life has vanished! The two combined are a recipe for impotence.
You were definitely in the wrong op but there's clearly far more going on, culminating in your disastrous behaviour.

Original poster
MrsGrumpyPaddy · 05/09/2016 20:03

trifleorbust i think he may be an alcholic, which has led to the depression. He won't accept that he has a drink problem as he 'goes to work every day and provides for us'. He thinks alcoholics don't function at all.

OP posts:
IsThisTheWorldWeCreated · 05/09/2016 20:03

Fucking hell, I don't think the OP wrote this looking for a kicking. It was a mistake, and yes it was harsh but I think we've all done/said something bloody awful that we cannot believe happened.

MrsGrumpy - apologise unreservedly, as you have. Again and again. But you can't ignore why this happened, which likely involves a huge amount of frustration and rejection on your part. Erectile dysfunction is more common that many would like to admit, and it's a bastard that leaves two people disappointed (because yes, it DOES matter!).

But it's a chance to talk. There are different anti depressants which affect people differently, and not being able to perform for a prolonged period is going to get anyone down. You can get Viagra on the NHS now. It works.

Admitting a problem like this is difficult, because we're wired to think it's a massive failure. It's not. And yes - I'm a man and I've had these problems and yes I'd be bloody furious in this situation initially. But although it feels like it, it's not the end of the world.

And no, it's not grounds for divorce.

IsThisTheWorldWeCreated · 05/09/2016 20:05

Oh and I meant to say, there are other things to do - cut back on drinking, cut back on smoking (if that's a thing), but above all talk about it because it takes two.

PovertyPain · 05/09/2016 20:06

I'm not going to give you a kicking, OP. There's enough people on here, doing that. It probably did come out due to resentment, as much as alcohol, however, he's acting like an arse too. Going to the pub every night and not doing anything to deal with the sex side of things! He needs to take responsibility too. I think the drinking has as much to do with the depression and impotence as the antidepressants. He needs to take responsibility and hopefully this will give you the opportunity to discuss the effect it is having you and where you both go from here.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2016 20:06

The elephant in the room was vocalised. Maybe he'll do something about it now. Not the best way to get it out there though. And fgs all the people saying divorce, there are small children involved. I expect he's really embarrassed and you also look like a prize Pratt. That said, we all make mistakes and sometimes really shitty ones. I also think your DH is a massive arse for being always down the pub. It takes two people to raise children. I wonder if you don't have a lot more issues than just this one.

SandyY2K · 05/09/2016 20:06

I can't imagine how upset I'd be if my DH did that in front of my friends or anyone else.

How does he face them again after that. Were you sitting near him? Could he have given you a kick under the table or a look to tell you to stop.

I think he probably laughed out of embarrassment or was trying not to get angry at the time, but when he thought about it, it sunk in just how disrespectful you'd been.

His refusal to see the doctor prior to this isn't good though. He seems content to carry on sexless.

Might be a bit late now, but one thing a wife in your position did was to give her husband a card saying 'happy anniversary'. It wasn't their wedding anniversary, but was I think 2/3 years since they had sex.

He went to the doctors immediately.

I don't know what else you can do but keep apologising. Then leave him be to think about it. Maybe write a heartfelt letter to him apologising as well.

Floggingmolly · 05/09/2016 20:11

Please stop minimising what you did by claiming it was "accidental".
I'd leave you...

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 05/09/2016 20:12

I know first hand how hard it is when your partner can't or won't have sex for a long time. It undermines your confidence in your femininity, your attractiveness and your marriage. It's also hard to talk about if the man won't admit to having a problem (the man in my relationship tried to force me to have sex as a way of proving that it all worked okay- it didn't but by trying to force it in, he hurt me quite badly).

Sometimes it feels like making a joke out of it is the only way you can say what is on your mind, but obviously blurting like that was a mistake. I doubt anyone really thinks it was true though, and loads of people talk utter rubbish after a few drinks.

I'd grovel first and then suggest medical help for the dysfunction and counselling for the rest. Good luck.

allyre · 05/09/2016 20:13

Ok so OP made a mistake but honestly the way you are all going on you would think it was a hanging offence. If my husband spent most evening in the pub after work while I was at home looking after the children I would divorce HIM. He sounds pretty selfish to me and if he is drinking too much maybe that is contributing to his condition.

Cherrysoup · 05/09/2016 20:17

but he definitely needs to take some responsibility too.

For his wife telling his mates he doesn't have sex?! Really? The only thing he needs to take responsibility for is his drinking. That needs sorting before a change in ADs, I'd say.

CocktailQueen · 05/09/2016 20:18

What allyre says!!!

OsMalleytheCat · 05/09/2016 20:19

I think context is important here - if the evening was amongst good friends and things were said (about everyone) in jest then I could understand his annoyance but would hardly consider it grounds for divorce. It is a long standing joke amongst good mutual friends of dh and mine how little we (and they!) have sex.

Hope you can work through this with your dh op

magoria · 05/09/2016 20:19

You should have considered leaving a man who sods off down the pub every night leaving you at home with the DC and doesn't offer you any physical affection or even try to get it looked into.

No wonder you let it all out given a chance. It sounds a shitty relationship.

It wasn't nice what you did. He deserves a full and honest apology for that. If you have given it there is not a lot else you can do.

Shame he hasn't cared enough about you or the family over the last couple of years to sort things out.

Trifleorbust · 05/09/2016 20:20

I think you need to decide what you want. Is the marriage worth fighting for? If you think so, then does he? And what needs to happen in order for things to get better? I would argue a number of things: find a route off the anti-depressants, cut out the drinking, get him professional help and go to counselling. This sounds like a minor matter which has arisen from deeper set problems. Ignore everyone who is out to give you an ear-bashing for what you said. Grounds for divorce? Well, hmm, so is spending every night in the pub and leaving you with small children to care for. You cracked. It was wrong, but you have apologised, and now it's time to start evaluating.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 05/09/2016 20:20

I'm with allyre. She got pissed and made a tit of herself and her partner. But suggestions such as he should leave her and 'flaunt' the OW? The poor woman is doing 24/7 with small children while he gets shit-faced in the pub every evening! Why are you defending him? He refuses to help himself and shows a complete lack of respect, love and kindness for the OP. And yet she is being made out to be a monster. She had too much to drink and she flipped. I for one, think it's completely bloody understandable in the circumstances.

How about her being a laughing stock with his mates for putting up with this crap for so long?

NotTheFordType · 05/09/2016 20:20

So he's an alcoholic, can't be bothered to participate in family life, and he doesn't give a shit about your happiness - he'd rather leave you frustrated, unhappy and insecure than go to the doctor and talk about his pee-pee.

Fuck this manchild off. Yes what you said was wrong but what the fuck good is he to you?

YetAnotherGuy · 05/09/2016 20:21

I think several people need to lighten up here

Was a bit unfortunate what you said, but divorce?

The combination of no sex for 125 weeks and most nights off down the pub is far worse imho

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