Accidently told his friends we are having trouble in bed.

[MrsGrumpyPaddy]

A bit of background... We haven't really had sex since DH started taking anti-depressants about 2 and half years ago. Low libido is one of the side effects but is supposed to wear off after a few months. He says he is tired as works long days. He spends a most evenings in the pub after work. We have small children. It's really getting me down, no matter what I try he knocks me back.

We had a rare night off on Friday as kids were away. We went to the local pub and met two of his drinking buddies. We all had a bit to drink, especially me. Someone made a comment about us having a dirty night in as DC were away and I said something like 'fat chance', anyway as the night went on I made a few more not very nice comments about the lack of sex, somehow one of his friends (the type who can get hold of anything) was offering to get us some Viagra. It was all laughs and jokes and everyone seemed fine. At the time I didn't think anything of it, we went home and to sleep.

He is now furious with me and says I made a C* of him in front of everyone by discussing his personal business in the pub. He says it's grounds for divorce. He has never been this mad with me.

Looking back he is right, I shouldn't said anything, one comment might not have been so bad, but put everything together and basically I was telling everyone that he can't get it up.

I also now realise that I hit closer to the mark than I'd known, I think it's not than he doesn't want to do it anymore but that he can't.

Help, how do I fix his reputation?

Does anyone have any advice for the sex problem?

[Crystal15]

Hmm. Yep you definitely totally humiliated him. But I suspect this goes deeper and your thoroughly exasperated at getting nothing back from him

[VenusRising]

Mrsgrumpy, I wouldn't worry about this at all, it seems you are married to a functioning alcoholic who has left you without any sex life for two years, while he refuses to put you or your marriage first.

Your feelings of anger an bitterness are perfectly legitimate, and I would go to counselling myself if I was in your position. Get your kids into AlAnon as well as its a hard road for children born to alcoholic parents.

If he doesn't divorce you, I'd start proceedings myself.
You deserve better - and you know it! I think your heart knew exactly what you were doing and I think you're absolutely correct. You're living a lie.

Time to sort out the finances, take your kids and leave this alcoholic coward.

[Batteriesallgone]

Can't believe this thread. For two and a half years he's been rejecting intimacy, refusing to talk about his sex problems, refusing to change ADs, drinking heavily, leaving you to cope with small children while he goes to the pub most nights... For two and a half YEARS....

And then one night you get pissed and the bitterness about him pushing you away comes out in a few choice words and people are saying he would be right to leave you?!

You are in your rights to leave him for being an uncommunicative selfish alcoholic who by the sounds of it, because he can't get an election deems your orgasm off the table too

I'm guessing you do all the housework and child raising to a wall of unappreciative silence. OP, were the things you said in the pub the small voice deep down shouting 'I'm worth more than this'? Of course it's not right to humiliate someone publicly. But we've all got a breaking point and it sounds like you found yours.

[Batteriesallgone]

He can't get an erection that should say! Not election

[user1472504427]

I seriously feel for your DH. You humiliated him and expect him to just get over it?

And to some of you on here who think the lack of sex justifies such treachery and humiliation, OP is an adult and she didn't have to stay with him for the 2.5 years but she chose to. She has betrayed trust & personally, I hope he dumps you and get the right medical help he needs.
Poor man, might even need to move out of the area as "Jokes" like that don't just go away.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

batteries. The MN male apologists are out in force tonight. I'm still seething about the earlier poster who suggested he got another woman to 'prove' that's why they weren't having sex. What the fuckity fuck?

Had no idea people from the seventeenth century could access social media.

[OhMyWord16]

I think several people need to lighten up here

Was a bit unfortunate what you said, but divorce?

The combination of no sex for 125 weeks and most nights off down the pub is far worse imho

^ Totally agree with YetAnotherGuy

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

user. They have children together. Whom she is looking after. Constantly.

[FinnegansCake]

OP knows she was completely out of order, I don't think it's very productive for certain posters to stick the boot in.

Once words are said, they can't be taken back, but they were said in the first place because this problem has been growing for a long time and has not been addressed. Alcohol seems to play a large role in the problem. Did your DH start drinking heavily before the ED or after, OP? Is the time spent in the pub an avoidance tactic because of the sexual difficulties?

A trip to the GP might be in order to see if the ED is an effect of the ADs, the alcohol, the depression itself or even something else altogether. Most of all, your DH needs to admit that he has a problem that is also impacting on you, and it is selfish of him not to try to address it. I know this is extremely difficult for a man, as sexual dysfunction makes him feel emasculated, so what you said to his friends certainly hit a very raw nerve.

Perhaps counselling could help you both.

[Hateloggingin]

You should divorce him! Leaving you every night with young dc... No affection... Won't go to Drs etc... No wonder you lost it and said cruel things, you had rather a lot of provocation!!

[Batteriesallgone]

Move out the area? WTF? She revealed he can't get an erection not that he's on a witness protection program! If he genuinely thinks his mates knowing about his (lack of) sex life is more important than his marriage than yes he should leave. And OP should breathe a massive sigh of relief!

Jess I know. Madness. Feel like I've stepped into a time warp to a time when The Man must be revered and Respectability in the Community is more important than anything else, particularly something as insignificant as the happiness of the silly woman at home!

[Comejointhemurder]

I'm just remembering all those MN posts by a woman on anti - depressants with small children who's not interested in sex, maybe drinking too much (never a sign of a happy person) and her DH taking the piss out of her in front of their mates about how frigid she is and it not being completely 'okay' that he did that but in a way she should take responsibility for not wanting sex or not doing X, Y or Z to sort it out.

Oh no..wait. That has never happened on MN.

And I'm not trying to give you a kicking OP. You fucked up and you know it but any sexual issues between you and your partner should not have been fodder for a pissed up mocking session. If you had done that to me I think I would want to divorce because you had humiliated me publicly around very private issues. I'd think you didn't respect me or even like me very much and if I'd played a part by not doing what you thought I should to rectify the situation previously, I'd accept that. But I wouldn't be able to forgive you for what you did. And I have experienced similar.

I do sympathise with what you've been through though, honestly I do. But I wouldn't be able to move on from this if I was your DH.

[user1472504427]

I was a little hasty in my last comment.

I still think what you did was wrong and I won't play it down by calling it a drunken mistake.

But I hope you guys can work things out.

If indeed he is an alcoholic, and you resent him, it's best to let each other go.

Your kids may come back from school crying one day as a result of silly jokes and rumours they heard about their dad. Think about your kids before doing such damage!

[cheeseismydownfall]

You have small children and he spends most of his nights down the pub. I'm sorry, but he is the one who should be apologizing here. Obviously what the OP said was awful, but presumably if he had have been open about the problems he was having instead of rejecting his wife and buffering off down the out then the situation would never have occurred. I think an apology is called for but I don't think the OP should be "groveling" and I think he should be facing up to the part his behavior has played in getting them to this point.

[cheeseismydownfall]

Buggering off down the pub

[cdtaylornats]

Pretty sure he wont be in the pub for a while

[ijustwannadance]

I suspect he won't go and tell the doctor as he will have to face up to his alcohol issue that he doesn't believe exists.

[Greenandmighty]

Firstly, apologise again. But then....suggest you both go to the GP and discuss the important issue of his impotence. He needs to understand how much this is affecting your relationship. He is running away from it by hiding in the pub.

[iminshock]

He rejects his wife for 2 years , refuses to address the issue , goes to the pub most nights.
After years of this she , while a bit pissed calls him on it in front of his friends and some of you are saying he should divorce her !!!
Give the woman a break ! So a man's delicate sexual ego in front of his mates trumps everything ?

Op I completely understand why you took an ill considered pop at him. You've apologised. Has he apologised for his years of being a crap husband ?

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

I think you were a bit loose tonged TBH, but given that he spends most night in the pub spending money that could be better spent on more important stuff , I think you are the one who should be angry.
I don't think you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man like him do you OP?

[UnderseaPineapple]

No decent woman would go near this sorry excuse for a man if he made the OP leave.

And Blueshoessingloose sounds like she has low standards and is always sloppy seconds.

[RubbishMantra]

Alcohol is a depressant drug, so negates the effects of ADs. That's why they're not working.

Is your husband honest with his GP about his level of drinking OP?

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

And then one night you get pissed and the bitterness about him pushing you away comes out in a few choice words and people are saying he would be right to leave you?!

You are in your rights to leave him for being an uncommunicative selfish alcoholic who by the sounds of it, because he can't get an election deems your orgasm off the table too hmm

Both of those things can be true - She should leave, or have already left, him for being a selfish alcoholic who can't or doesn't want to have sex with her, won't talk about it and is pissing away his money in the pub...

But she still humiliated him infront of his friends and that could be a leaveable offence for a lot of people in their own right. It wasn't the time or the place in front of his friends, or after drinking, and continous comments will have made it very obvious that this is a big issue between them. It was quite possibly very uncomfortable for his friends, as well as him, and it'll be a continuing problem because his friends now know a lot more about his private life than he would have liked.

If you compare the two, the first has gone on longer and probably done more damage, but that's not how life works. You don't get more brownie points if you have a better affair.

It's probably make or break time for the marriage now, and whilst from the outside it would appear that there is nothing to save, they may feel differently. As long as they are on the same page about saving it, and both put effort in, it could be saveable.

[cariboo]

Low or loss of libido is a common side-effect of some anti-depressants. Your poor DH! I totally see how this could have happened; your resentment and insecurity about your sex life (or lack of) voiced itself when your normal inhibitions were lowered through drink. Poor you!

[cariboo]

Google his anti-depressant and have a look at the side-effects. Show this to DH; it should convince him that his loss of libido isn't his "fault" - no reflection on his abilities or prowess - and that he needs to discuss a change of meds with the GP.