Accidently told his friends we are having trouble in bed.

[MrsGrumpyPaddy]

A bit of background... We haven't really had sex since DH started taking anti-depressants about 2 and half years ago. Low libido is one of the side effects but is supposed to wear off after a few months. He says he is tired as works long days. He spends a most evenings in the pub after work. We have small children. It's really getting me down, no matter what I try he knocks me back.

We had a rare night off on Friday as kids were away. We went to the local pub and met two of his drinking buddies. We all had a bit to drink, especially me. Someone made a comment about us having a dirty night in as DC were away and I said something like 'fat chance', anyway as the night went on I made a few more not very nice comments about the lack of sex, somehow one of his friends (the type who can get hold of anything) was offering to get us some Viagra. It was all laughs and jokes and everyone seemed fine. At the time I didn't think anything of it, we went home and to sleep.

He is now furious with me and says I made a C* of him in front of everyone by discussing his personal business in the pub. He says it's grounds for divorce. He has never been this mad with me.

Looking back he is right, I shouldn't said anything, one comment might not have been so bad, but put everything together and basically I was telling everyone that he can't get it up.

I also now realise that I hit closer to the mark than I'd known, I think it's not than he doesn't want to do it anymore but that he can't.

Help, how do I fix his reputation?

Does anyone have any advice for the sex problem?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Could you go to a local Al Anon group for relatives/spouses of alcoholics?
That might be a good start for you and a kick up the arse for him?
If he won't address the fact that he's a crap partner then I'm not sure what more you can do to help him.
He HAS to help himself here, otherwise it's game over really.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Your attempts to talk to him about it and seduce him, all in private, were sumarily dismissed by him. The public comments may get his attention now that it got the attention of his mates. Very much a fork in the road- imho, it all hinges on whether he places more importance on his relationship with his mates (or alcohol) or with you, OP.

I don't endorse airing private matters in public at all. But I can see that to get him to face the problem, it was perhaps necessary, "accidental" or not, as a last desperate measure.

Imho, he sounds like he does not have any much emotional maturity. Not the kind to engage in a marriage, anyway... Certainly not fatherhood.

Read up on Adult Children of Alcoholics...is that what you want for your children? Answer: no.

And what Isetan said.

Do not, do not worry about how he would cope with separation/divorce. That would be his circus and monkeys not yours.

[Isetan]

You were crass but he's embarrassed by the truth and his refusal to do anything about it. You've quite rightly apologised but don't let this be a convenient stick for him to permanently beat you with.

Either this is the start of a frank and honest discussion about your marriage or it's the end of a one sided relationship where you make all the effort.

[Hissy]

Ok, so not ideal, but this is something that is going on for YEARS!

He's doing NOTHING to remedy it. He could do things, she's tried to bring the subject up and he's just not bothered.

If this were the other way around its be the same. Except a lot of dh would take that as a reason to look elsewhere.

What's stopping OP from just giving up, allowing herself to be consumed by depression and leaving it all to everyone else? Why shouldn't she just fuck off down the pub, have a skinful and then toddle home off good for neither man nor beast.

Oh yeah, because she has DC.

He is literally pissing his marriage up the wall, whilst indelicate, after YEARS of this, she's more than entitled to allow frustration to get the better of her.

I'd use this as leverage to force a change. This situation can't continue. It's a horrible environment for everyone, especially DC.

[DoinItFine]

His friends already know you have no sex life, because he's being a barfly with them every night of the week.

He's been making a C* of you for 2.5 years.

Let him go.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I hope he does divorce you.

For your sake.

[phillipp]

This sounds awful.

He sounds like a shit partner.

And then what you did was awful.

Tbh, it sounds like divorce would be the best thing all round.

He sounds like a dick, no doubt. But when I had pnd, no sex drive and drinking in a night because it was the only way I could relax I would have kicked dh out doing what you did.

There is no relationship here.

[Wallywobbles]

Grounds for divorce because he is an alcoholic. Not surprised you've reached the end of your tether. Unfortunately because you always been there he's never actually reached his rock bottom.

Is it actually ok to drink with anti depressants. And does your GP know he does?

[Oblomov16]

Goodness. Surprised at first few, say 10 posts. Grounds for divorce? Really.
Ok it wasn't good. But she had a lot of pent up resentment, had s few drinks and said a few not very nice home truths.
That never happened to anyone else? Bet it has. Certainly not ideal. But not ideal that it had got to this stage. After 2.5 years.
And he's in the pub every night? AD's and low libido. And not very invested in the marriage?
Has op talked to him? Begged him to do something about it, show her done affection?
Yet, she's being ripped into, for showing her upset, after a few drinks?

[Canyouforgiveher]

I think your marriage is in serious trouble. Your husband has problems with drink. He can't/won't have sex with you. He won't discuss his medication and its effects with you. He is medicating and drinking.

You are understandably resentful of the way your life has ended up - sexless, conversationless, no intimacy. It spilled over one night.

Before your prostate yourself as the worst woman ever as previous posters suggested, maybe wonder what he has said about you in the pub all those nights he has been there drinking with his mates??

I think you are reaching the end of the road in your marriage to be honest. you probably will not agree and will limp along for awhile more. but this won't end well.

[Atenco]

Well actually from the sounds of it, OP, he would be doing you a favour if he "dumped" you.

I'm sure when you got married you didn't sign up for being the little wifey at home while your husband was out on the lash every night.

Being great at indiscretion myself, no comment about yours, but frankly I think he deserved it

[KoalaDownUnder]

This thread is unbelievable.

'I'd dump you'??!

How incredibly immature and simplistic. They are married and have two young children together. OP humiliated him in front of his mates after a few drinks; it's a horrible thing to do, and has certainly flushed some underlying problems out into the open, but...he should 'dump' her??!

This has actually made me angry. No wonder the divorce rate is so high, people need to grow the fuck up.

[MistressDeeCee]

Yuo were 100% wrong OP. But it seems to me he'd checked out of the marriage and you were harbouring resentment - thats not a good mix with alcohol.

A husband who doesn't touch you and is in the pub every night? & you have small children to so if he's in the pub evenings how much time does he spend with them? Boozing every night is killing his libido. & you're stuck doing the childcare whilst he is out sinking pints with mates. So I guess you are both tired and resentful

You've got more issues than what went on that night in the pub. He hs to take some responsibility in all this. Doesn''t sound as if it would make much difference if he left, he's not invested in your marriage or family life so although you are wrong, a man like this would drive me up the wall. & he must absolutely reek of booze too. Yuk

There's wrong on both sides here but you'l be deemed worse as you spoke in public

Hope you find a way to work things out but if the topic between you is stuck on what happened that night in pub but not all that led up to it then there doesn't seem much hope. Grounds for divorce, he says. Well if it comes to that you'll have to accept it but Im of the mind women don't die for lack of 1 particular man and he's not bothering to play his part in your marriage anyway so, what odds

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

Meh, I can't get het up about what you did. So you made a twat out of him on one night? He's been making a twat out of you for a couple of years by fucking off down the pub and leaving you to mind his kids. I wouldn't apologise too hard in your shoes, not unless he's willing to hold his hands up too at least.

[Mimpimbarneymcgrim]

Agree emma some of the earlier replies in this thread were so harsh...
obviously the OP's anger and resentment spilled out in the wrong place

[Nedisabloodydonkey]

Oh, and OP, you were a massive bitch but I know that if I am resentful and angry and have kept it in for a long time....alcohol is a bad idea. Eventually it will spill, in the form of snide comments or whatever. I have sometimes avoided drinks with people for that reason.

He isn't engaging with his drink problem or family. His ED is just a byproduct. Have you any idea of the reasons why he drinks?

[Nedisabloodydonkey]

Actually, Comejointhemurder, when I posted about being on AD, putting on weight, having no libido, I did actually get told that if I were someone's partner they would leave me.

It was a woman who gave me that advice. She ripped a sanctimonious strip of me. I didn't go back to the thread as I felt so awful about myself. I was feeling bad anyway but that made it a lot worse. I think it was the first reply.

[NameChange30]

You behaved badly for one evening.
He has been behaving badly for two and a half years.
Depression and even alcoholism are not automatic deal breakers, provided the person acknowledges the problem, gets help and actually follows through (engaging with treatment, changing their behaviour etc).
He might not be able to forgive you humiliating him.
But I don't think you should forgive him going to the pub every night instead of spending time with his family.
If there is any chance of this relationship surviving, I think you need a very good couple's counsellor, and he needs to address his alcoholism (it sounds unlikely that he will do it, though). If he refuses either of those, I think the only option is separation - and if he still refuses, divorce.
It's a shame that when you finally cracked, it was in the pub with his mates, but you were always going to crack eventually.

[BlueFolly]

It's very difficult if he won't admit he has a problem.

[Mikkalina]

I think, OP, you have hit that low because of being unhappy in the relationship. Lack of sex plus him spending every bloody evening in the pub. Every precious evening in the pub! You talked about his problem because of frustration. No excuse of course. The only way you could make things better is by talking to his friends and saying that you had exaggerated things because you do not get enough sex as he spends most of the nights pissed and then comes home deadly tired.

[MrsGrumpyPaddy]

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate them, positive and negative.

Some of you have described our relationship so perfectly, I feel so stupid for not seeing how shitty it was until pointed out by strangers.

I've been trying to to help him for so long. For those who've asked, he has always been a heavy drinker, we never had sex problems before, we both have/had a high sex drive. After a long time battling depression and getting to the point where he was suicidal he finally went to dr and was prescribed AD. This was about 3 yrs ago. That was when the ED started.

I'm worried what he'll do if we split. I feel like I've spent so many years walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting him.
Wow I sound like a doormat. I'm generally strong and confident wtf has happened to me!?

[SandyY2K]

What kind of doctor keeps a patient on ADs for that length of time without reviewing the prescription and seeing whether there have been any changes.

He's just going to get addicted to them and it doesn't seem like they're really helping. If he is drinking every night and leaving you to tend to the DCs while on the medication, what is he like when he's not on medication? Is there actually any difference?

Maybe he'll reflect on it and realise that whilst you shouldn't have said what you did, there were mitigating factors that contributed to it, which he could have made an effort to address before now.

[LuluJakey1]

Well you leave him then. Why would you want to be married to an impotent, depressed alcoholic who won't do anything about the issues?

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

He checked out of the marriage when he decided to spend most nights in the pub.
You are not the one in the wrong here. You are grasping at straws to salvage your marriage because you love him. What has he done to help matters?
Of course he can't get it up if he's been on the lash. AD's are not going to help now are they?
It's not called "Brewers Droop" for nothing.
He's chosen beer and buddies over you and the children, it really is that simple.
Give him an ultimatum.
I'd say the same if it were a man posting about his wife.

[Cozytoesandtoast00]

Don't listen to the drama queens. They'll make you depressed!
You were drunk, in a rocky relationship and had said some awful things that i'm sure you regret.
This could be a great turning point for you both. Use it to make good and right choices. Good luck.