Op your post resonates with me. Been with dh fir 16 years. Initally he was diasnosed with bipolar but looks like he was misdiagnosed. He thinks its complex PTSD l think he might b right i also think he is borderline, like his mum he had an horrendous upbringing. Anyhow, hes a long way from mnntally well.
We have 2 DCs. Our relationship has been a roller coaster. It wasnt so bad before kids but thrre wer red flags that i ignored. I thought noones perfect. We moved half way acroos the country with 2 small kids which in hind sight was about the worst thing we could have done. Hey ho.
Things got way bad stress wise. We were both keeping it together in the early years. Work was horrendously stressful. I was part time but had to go full time. We were both made redundant and had to find others jobs, which we did. Me full time again till i had a wobbly and told my boss i couldnt cope. Luckliy he let me go part time. Dh started his own business. More stress.
As hhe years went by, i just sucked up the lions share of the housework nnd childcare. He was ill of course and stressed. I use to let him go off to his room, get stoned an play computer games. What a fool i was. He basically checke out of family life whilst at home. He is a workaholic too. Im so very non confrontational an d a people pleaser . So i just let it ride. But of course the resentmnnt built up and up.
The more i did the more he expected. He woukd never demand anything. He would just play the poor me card. He was always more ill than me. He trumped me every time. If i needed any help, he would listen to me, talk about the solutions and then, that was it. No help practically.
I starte to recognise certain patterns of behaviour. He would come home nnd rant and rave about some injustice. Of oourse i would hav to listen. Hhen after 10 minute or so hed ask bbout my day. By then i was a seething ball and would have to get away from him. I started close down emotionally and withdraw. This must have happened over the course of about 4 years.
I stopped "helping" gradually. I just couldnt take anymore. Our sex life was non existant for the last coupke of yerrs. Not very sexy being hhe dumping ground and having to suck everyhhing up. He also use to plead with me bbout sex being really important to him and its good for his mental health...
The final straw came over some very entitled behaviour, expecting m to drop everything and bring him something he had forgotten. He had our dd with him at hhe time. Apparnntly he had a rant and banged the window. Said to our dd he wanted a divorce and what was hhe problem with me helping him out, after all i only work part time.
We are still living in hhe smme house but seperate rooms. Went to see soliciotr this week. I told him back in May its over, he mnnaged to talk me round to staying whilst he "gets better" he basically said our dd would hate me for chucking him out when hes ill and what lesson would that be? She would think that she wasnt allowed to get ill or she would be rejected.
Of course i played my own part in this. As some pps have mentioned, enabling is quite common in these situations. Also, co dependancy etc etc. I wont be bble to affkrd counselling when we divorce but right now all i want is out. Then i an going to steer clear of ALL men tbh. I need a very very long rest. I am exhausted