Partner with bpd. Am I a bad partner or is it his bpd?

[BlipBlapBlop]

Didn't know whether to put in mental health or here but it's about us so here goes.
I'm so upset this morning. My partner has bpd and we have been together over 10 years, he has always had MH issues (although I didn't know the extent at first). Recently diagnosed as bpd. Anyway he's in a new ish job where he is stressed and finding it too difficult to deal with. For weeks all he comes home and says he hates his job and it's causing him to feel low and a lot of anguish and anxiety. I work part time and look after DD at home on the other days. I try to support him by cooking most meals, and all the weekly chores while he at work. I do a bit of job searching for him too and send him links etc. He comes home and I feel I do listen to him but he says same thing every day and I know so its probably to a point where I don't know what to say anymore. He feels now that I don't truly understand him, he's not happy as I make him feel like a second rate citizen by (as far as I understand) sometimes snapping at him for little things.
Yesterday our DD was asleep in car and my DP saw something and was like oh look it's ..... But he kinda got excited and was a bit louder. So I automatically say shush, you'll wake up DD! Maybe a bit abruptly I can't remember. Anyway I apoligised instantly as I knew I'd upset him and then he didn't talk to me all day apart from yes/no. This morning he came to talk and said I make him feel bad when I do that, and life is hard for him and all he wants is support and love etc. It hurts me that he thinks I feel that way, I try hard to make everyone happy. I feel confused most of the time. I tried to give him a hug but he was sitting with knees up so I said well move your knees then and he took offence to that, apparently not a genuine hug as I said that. Sorry for long post. I have absolutely no one to talk to.

[Breaktfastandcoffeefirst]

Sounds a lot like me and my boyfriend. 10 years-check, calls me unsupportive and a bunch of other things that leave me questioning my reality-check.
Maybe your bf is different, but one thing that has helped me is to learn his patterns. Mainly, if he is in an unpleasant mood, I can walk away and do my own thing, come back, and he's in a completely different mood. So better to walk away I guess? Or possibly have no idea what I'm doing.
And the fights are moods that got escalated, so if you can't avoid them by removing yourself, try to take solace that eventually, things are bound to be better again.
Or possibly that's just what works for me at present.
Going to check out the link on enabling and the book, ty.
Goodluck Blipblap.

[SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad]

Pretty sure my ex has BPD, although she was never diagnosed. That marriage became hell.

Borderlines have a very developed sense of self, and their fragile ego cannot take being the bad guy in anything - which is why you will generally end up being blamed for every problem they perceive in their lives They go to frantic efforts to avoid abandonment (real or perceived). The perceived abandonment is a major thing - tiny things that wouldn't even register with a healthy person become huge issues for them. They have little sense of control over their emotions - they think emotionally ("I feel / fear this, so it must be true"). That can make them extremely volatile.

Borderlines often act out or act in. Those who 'act in' turn their feelings inwards and are prone to substance abuse, self harm, and suicide. Those who 'act out' turn their feelings on others, and can be responsible for terribly abusive behaviour. It results in an awful relationship dynamic that is often described as "I hate you, don't leave me".

There are forms of treatment that can have some success (particularly DBT). But your borderline has to really want to change. Many don't. They just don't have the emotional and self-awareness to understand the impact they're having, and they don't know better ways of coping.

My advice is the same for anybody dealing with a borderline partner in their lives. Run. Run fast. Run far. Then hide awhile.

[SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad]

*undeveloped sense of self, not developed