I made mistakes.... Can he forgive me?

[Whyislifesohardconfused2016]

Hi I'm really struggling with the current situation ... I started dating my ex D just over two years ago. From the offset he told me that he couldn't commit to a relationship because his job was ending in 6 months and he was moving overseas.. But I carried on seeing him anyway. After 4 months I was completely in love with him and we both decided to commit to eachother and do the long distance relationship and we were blissfully happy for the next 2 years. He is moving over this week to be with me and start new job. Last week was my final trip to visit him before he moved again and on the last night he stayed up all night whilst I was sleeping and went through all my phone messages from recently right up to 2012. In there he has seen messages from me flirting with an ex when we first met and some messages from 3-4 months in to our relationship which suggest I slept with the ex (We met up and had dinner, wine... He kissed me and I initially kissed him back) the next day I sent endless texts telling him I wanted to be friends only.. No sex and that I felt like a whore for having kissed him.. I never told any of this to my partner at the time because things were so up in the air. But this was one of the catalysts for me knowing i wanted to commit to him and the Long distance. It sounds stupid but over the next two years I completely forgot this had even happened

D said nothing to me about having looked through my phone next day.. He was quiet but let me leave thinking everything was normal . Then he sent me a long very hurtful email telling me what he had done that I wasn't the person he thought I was that he was shocked to see what I was really like and he has blocked all forms of communication with me and that I am out of his life forever.

I can't even explain how I feel. He is the love of my life and I feel so sad that I have hurt him. I regret everything that happened with this guy at the start of our relationship and having mulled it over I know I was acting out of insecurity and fear that the new boyfriend I was falling in love with was leaving me in a few months.

I don't feel as though it was cheating because even though we were very close we hadn't made a commitment at this point and from the moment I knew we were committed I have been completely and utterly loyal and faithful.

I don't know why he chose that night to go through my phone he has had all my passwords for over a year.

I also don't know why I have never deleted a single message from my phone.

It's been 6 days of no contact from him.

I've sent several emails apologising telling him how much i love him and trying to explain I was confused and insecure but no response. I don't know what to do.

Personally I think you've dodged a bullet. Thank your stars and block him from everything completely.

Have you actually absorbed any of the good advice on your thread?. I am completely baffled at your reaction to this creepy fucker. What the hell is wrong with you ?

Then yesterday I received my email a pdf document entitled "the dream" written by him initially 3 pages about how much he loves me and how perfect he thought I was

Oh my goodness, this turns my stomach. I'm so sorry OP, he wasn't in love with YOU, he was in love with some crazy fantasy he had invented in his own head. This is his problem by the way, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

His behaviour is not normal. I have definitely been in the "if he would just talk to me I could make him see..." situation before and I know how hard it is to just leave it at the time, it's only in hindsight that I have looked back and gone "what was I thinking, he was clearly not right!" I can guarantee in years to come you will do the same - nothing about this situation is right or normal and no healthy relationship could ever come of this.

This isn't your fault though, these are his issues and you have had a wake up call before things have gone too far. No man like this would ever be capable of a normal relationship. You would constantly be questioned on where you were, who you were with and you would never be trusted. You'd end up as one of those women who is made to take pictures on her phone to 'prove' where she is. You can't change him and nothing you said or did would ever reassure him. No matter what you need to be strong enough not to take him back, you need to cut all contact now.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Just remember, your sorrow is normal, but misdirected; be sorrowful that you wasted time and emotion on him, not that he has gone.

Run! These aren't the actions of a broken hearted romantic, they are the beginnings of grooming by an abusive man. He is irrational and looking for someone to control. Seriously, it hurts right now but you have an opportunity to move on.

Run, run, run and don't look back - his behaviour is sinister and controlling.

Block the creepy bastard. Stop all contact, he's destroying your self belief. Don't try to justify anything - he was looking for an excuse to end it and blame you.
Block him.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a total mind-fuck. Big deep breath, channel your inner Anna and let it go. No more contact even if he contacts you. Spend lots more time with your girlfriends and family, throw yourself into work (or play) and let this cretin go. Personally I think you've had a lucky escape

Sorry OP but you're both starting to look a bit unhinged here. Turning up at his work? Come on, have a bit of self respect.

As for him, he sounds like a complete nutter and you have massively dodged a bullet as far as I can tell. What kind of person sends you pages of annotated screenshots of text messages you wrote years ago? Honestly, not the kind of person you want or need in your life. Block him from your email/instagram etc and get on with your life. I know it seems hard now but you will look back on this and be very very glad you got out of this relationship.

Oh, and no, he isn't very much in love with you. Please don't think this is what love is, because love is nothing like this at all.

What the actual fuck?

OP you need to run far and fast, this man sounds unhinged. Seriously. Can't you see that!??

Omg you've dodged a bullet here - 'the dream'?! He sounds AWFUL! And strange! Just email him back something like - 'WTF?! I had no idea you were so unhinged. Good luck in the future (maybe look at getting some help for yourself?)'. Then block, delete and put all your energy into moving on

Tbh if you respond to this with anything other than horror, then you need counselling.

Only somebody with real issues would regard this as "love".

Couldn't get passed that he looked through your phone. He doesn't trust you & this will constantly be ion the back ground, regardless of what you have done.

Do you really want to live that way??

Dear god, RUN!

Red flags, alarm bells, all waving and screaming at you. This is not normal behaviour - he sounds utterly creepy, controlling, paranoid and dangerous. Please do the right thing by yourself and get rid. Delete, block, forget. Find a normal, kind, decent man who doesn't snoop (and btw, you should mind that he snooped. Snooping is NOT OK).

Different - did you miss the update where he printed off 3 pages of messages she sent to other people, before they were exclusive and annotated then to explain why she was such a slut ?

Women who come on here admitting they snooped are told it doesn't matter how they found out their partner had cheated, it only matters that they did. I see what you are saying, but usually, on here at least, women start looking for evidence after their partners/spouses start giving off signals that leave them uneasy.

Hiding their phone
Suddenly password-protecting it
Taking it everywhere with them
Not letting spouse/partner use it
Being secretive when on calls (leaving room)
Leaving it on silent

These things usually come after years of not really caring about passwords/secrecy on calls/taking it to the loo etc

So in this instance, your "men are always in the wrong, no matter what" is misplaced.

Wrong thread , different ?

Kr1stina Yes, I have seen it...not sure why you are asking...?

No, why am I on the wrong thread? I was answering TheLastRoseOfSummer

Oops sorry I missed Roses post, hadn't scrolled back that far. Apologies

I agree with you BTW, so many people think that cheating on your wife and kids for the years is morally equivalent to reading your husbands phone messages

Although that's not even relevant here anyway, as the couple were not even exclusive, let alone living together or married With kids.

But this is WAYYYY beyond so called " snooping " , this man sounds disturbed and Op is getting drawn into his mad world and warped thinking too.

Kr1stina All good.

I agree with you too, btw.

Oh my word. Thank goodness you're no longer with him, this is beyond crazy behaviour.

The fact that he insulted you by telling you how a 'real woman' should behave. Well, that just underlines how odd that man is, and how he doesn't actually love you for YOU, but for whatever idea he has in his mind.

Best thing you did was get out and enjoy yourself with friends. Now block him wherever you can and move on. You can do it.

There are actually normal men around who have their heads screwed on!

Thanks again!! Maybe I have had some crazy moments feeling sorry for him and guilty!! Just to note that he has shared my phone for camera internet etc for over a year every time we were together I've never hidden anything and gladly given him passwords in fact even tho it seems dumb now I wouldn't have expected him to be upset seeing said messages I would have actually thought we could laugh about it(as in look how far we have come!!)

OP please don't overthink this any more. nothing of having you've written gives me a warm fuzzy feeling about this bloke.

If I say he sounds like a stalker, I'm being kind. Screwed up is probably more accurate.

Nothing about what you've written... that should say.