I made mistakes.... Can he forgive me?

[Whyislifesohardconfused2016]

Hi I'm really struggling with the current situation ... I started dating my ex D just over two years ago. From the offset he told me that he couldn't commit to a relationship because his job was ending in 6 months and he was moving overseas.. But I carried on seeing him anyway. After 4 months I was completely in love with him and we both decided to commit to eachother and do the long distance relationship and we were blissfully happy for the next 2 years. He is moving over this week to be with me and start new job. Last week was my final trip to visit him before he moved again and on the last night he stayed up all night whilst I was sleeping and went through all my phone messages from recently right up to 2012. In there he has seen messages from me flirting with an ex when we first met and some messages from 3-4 months in to our relationship which suggest I slept with the ex (We met up and had dinner, wine... He kissed me and I initially kissed him back) the next day I sent endless texts telling him I wanted to be friends only.. No sex and that I felt like a whore for having kissed him.. I never told any of this to my partner at the time because things were so up in the air. But this was one of the catalysts for me knowing i wanted to commit to him and the Long distance. It sounds stupid but over the next two years I completely forgot this had even happened

D said nothing to me about having looked through my phone next day.. He was quiet but let me leave thinking everything was normal . Then he sent me a long very hurtful email telling me what he had done that I wasn't the person he thought I was that he was shocked to see what I was really like and he has blocked all forms of communication with me and that I am out of his life forever.

I can't even explain how I feel. He is the love of my life and I feel so sad that I have hurt him. I regret everything that happened with this guy at the start of our relationship and having mulled it over I know I was acting out of insecurity and fear that the new boyfriend I was falling in love with was leaving me in a few months.

I don't feel as though it was cheating because even though we were very close we hadn't made a commitment at this point and from the moment I knew we were committed I have been completely and utterly loyal and faithful.

I don't know why he chose that night to go through my phone he has had all my passwords for over a year.

I also don't know why I have never deleted a single message from my phone.

It's been 6 days of no contact from him.

I've sent several emails apologising telling him how much i love him and trying to explain I was confused and insecure but no response. I don't know what to do.

I have had a very similar experience when I loaned my DP my old phone when his died.
On it was messages to another man from around the time when we met. He knew the situation, but didn't know the texts etc had continued after we met and been dating. After we had made it 'official' then nothing more went on, but he was really upset for a long time. I had never slept with this man btw and had only ever kissed him, so really nothing serious, but the messages were a bit
We now have two children but he went on and on about it for ages and said he felt sick and didn't know whether he could stay with me etc. I said I was sorry for upsetting him but I didn't think I'd actually done wrong. DP was a nightmare especially in the beginning, in hindsight he was still in love with his ex and told me he wouldn't fall in love with me. God knows why I actually stayed with him!

I think your DP is wrong, but shoe on the other foot, you would probably be upset if you had seen the messages on his phone? I know I would which is why I understood why he was upset, but didn't think it warranted breaking up a family!

FWIW I think he will probably come round if everything else was good in your relationship. Men can't deal with their pride being hurt! He just needs time to think about it. Hope you're ok OP.

That's the thing though, isn't it, emotions aren't rational. If they were, the world/life would be a much easier place!!

And it's the whole actions speak louder than words.

I do hope he comes round and at least gives you chance to explain.

Not many relationships start with a time limit on them, and I think it makes a difference.

I don't. Unless the parameters of the relationship are "it's casual and non exclusive".

Send a letter to his work place marked confidential. And one to his family

I think it's the end for him TBH. Maybe he was having doubts and wanted to see if he had reason not to trust you, especially as long distance relationships can be difficult.

I can't say I'd have been pleased if I was in his shoes and trust is fundamental to build a marriage on.

The fact that you knew he had your password and knew those messages were there, shows you really didn't think it was an issue, which could be a bigger issue for him.

I had a similar thing with my other half, he was being a bit shady about something and it sent my spider senses tingling. I had a snoop and found out that for the first 3 months or so of our relationship he was flirting and ultimately slept with someone else.
we had been together about 2 years and the pain of feeling deceived and finding out at a vulnerable moment (I had just had a baby) was horrible.
It hurt our relationship because though we had both said at the time we could see others if we wanted, we had said we would be honest about it.
I felt our relationship was built on his lie, or his choice not to tell me for fear of losing me.
The problem with letting someone you love explain something to you is you can be won round, sounds like he doesn't want to be won round.

Give him space and time and see what the outcome is, in the future I would say transparency is key even in a relationship you don't feel is exclusive, your partner may feel differently and want the full information to make their choices on.

You haven't had a relationship, you have had a romance, with anticipation during enforced separation, wonderful time together when real life doesn't intrude.
Having told you clearly he wasn't going to commit he castigates you for a flirtation before you were committed to him; lets you know his family don't think you are suitable; reads all your private, personal messages (gross intrusion) then uses them as an excuse to dump you callously, long-distance without allowing you any comeback.
Any man who was truly in love with you might think he is entitled to feel hurt, but would seek reassurance from you.
This man is cowardly, spiteful and calculating; would you tolerate this from a friend?
Find the flirtatious ex if possible and spend some time with him to restore your confidence.
Just a thought: have you checked bank details etc; did he have access to those?

I can see both sides here. Personally I wouldn't care if my husband went through my phone as I've nothing to hide whatsoever. I'm finding it difficult to correlate the bit of your story where you were totally in love with him within four months, yet you met up with and kissed an ex. I'd be shocked to find that on my OH's phone. However, after two years he ought to be able to actually talk to you face to face and the blocking you bit is childish. I wonder if he was having wobbles about moving over? If it were me, I'd give him a bit of time to calm down (up to a week) but if he hadn't had the decency to get in touch by then, then the balance of wrongness tips the other way, so he loses his high ground and goes onto the "not worth it" pile.

Hi honeyroar... I was super super scared about doing long distance and I kept asking what was going to happen when he left.. He repeatedly told me he couldn't commit and wouldn't make promises he could potentially break so (being the jaded 30 something I was) I was convinced he would ditch me the moment he left London. I was stupidly keeping a "friendship" going with the ex because I was so scared of being lonely and hurt when he left .... This ex was a friend before for over ten years and is still a friend to this day ... What happened was just a stupid moment of drunken weakness and has never happened and would never happen again.

He has two days until the week is up :-(

I think that if he can't even grace you with a conversation when there is an issue in your relationship, even if it means you end up splitting up, then he is not a keeper. 🙁 If he's going to run off and ignore you for things that upset him, then how can you have a real relationship! I can understand it if he'd discovered you'd had a full on affair or something, but this was fairly insignificant and so long ago that he really ought to be able to get over the initial shock and calm down to discuss it and move forward. Anyway, good luck.x

Well he was clearly looking for a reason to not commit to you now. When a man tells you who he is listen. I agree he has done you a huge favour.

Now block him yourself, delete his number and hold on to your dignity and do not contact, beg or otherwise. He sounds heartless and cruel and not a nice person at all. You deserve so much better than anything he will ever offer you.

OP, I think he didn't want to commit and was looking for something to break up with you. Also his relatives asked about you whether his was sure. They sure have also planted seed. Please don't send him a letter. Don't humiliate yourself.

He sounds commitment phobic, not you. And your texts show you put a decisive stop to anything developing with the ex. Your message history actually reveals your capacity for devotion and commitment, given that you stopped things with ex and from the ldr onwards, your messages freely expressed your love for him and you have nothing to hide from when the relationship became exclusive.

The timing is very interesting. Not nice that you have no opportunity to discuss (or question what he was doing when you weren't around). Who did the travelling when he worked away? Or was it split evenly? I just have an inkling that he used the ldr situation as a form of emotional security while away, but doesn't want to commit. Working abroad can sound glamorous but in reality is quite difficult for many after the honeymoon period.

The thing from the family a big red flag imo - not so much their questioning (not that that's ok, just that so many families do that) more that if he relayed it to you without reassuring you then it's him using it to plant a seed in you, that you're not good enough, not them planting one in him.

Look after yourself OP, especially these next few days. Protect your heart and save it for someone with more human warmth.

You're a cheater and deserve to be dumped.

Bit harsh Sole? I can see both sides, yes what you did wasn't great but him snooping through your phone is a big red flag too. I'm wondering why he decided to go through your phone then? Maybe it was cold feet? I just don't see how, if you were planning on marrying somebody, them having kissed an ex several years ago could not be forgiven. If I found out my DH had done that, I would be hurt and confused but I wouldn't leave him over it.

Maybe he was looking for a reason to end things? And figured if he looked hard enough in your phone he would find it?

I would leave him alone because he is likely to be put off if you keep pestering him

I have to say that what you did sounds pretty mild to me and it was years ago too

Good luck!

What he has done is more wrong than what you did.

DH and I have been together for 27 years. We've never been through each others phones, mail, bags, bank accounts. It's called basic respect.

I think you've had a lucky escape - he sounds,abusive

Thank you so much for being supportive!! It's really difficult to deal with not speaking to someone I have spent two years speaking to about everything for hours to every day !! Difficult to accept he can think so low of me and now difficult to see that he loved me at all if this is his response/ reaction and yes all the red flags are flying as to why he snooped, how he can ignore 2 years of actions ( travelling to boost him, supporting his work, helping him pack his flat etc) and 20 months of messages saying how much I loved him to focus on some stupid stuff where I was clearly stating that I was terrified about how I would cope with him leaving and scared of long distance..I guess like all things time will give clarity and healing X

After a few days of reflection and re reading his horrendously nasty email a few thousand times it seems as though part of his problem is the flings I had in the past (2012 and 2013) especially whilst travelling because I back packed around the world on my own!! He assumes I slept with every man in my Facebook messages which is wholly untrue, accuses me of being a desperate flirt, and holds it against me for having had short term relationships with men even though I a) never lied to him about this , and even brought it up on several occasions and b) don't believe this was wrong I was late twenties and single after ten years of relationship at the time and c) would have openly discussed anything with him he read even if he found stuff out by snooping

Another theme ongoing in my mind is how he had a woman friend to stay in 2015, a year into our relationship, gave me no warning of her existence and then face timed me when she was present to say this is my best friend. Sorry I didn't tell you I didn't want you to over react. This woman refused to speak to me or meet me even to this day, openly criticised me for my appearance and fashion sense and criticised him for spending too much time with me. I was hurt and always suspicious of their relationship but never doubted him and even accepted him going on holiday with her alone!! Surely he could give me the same credit?!

Very hard situation to accept although perhaps it is the universe trying to save me from babies and unhappy life with this man...

Have you posted about the best friend before? I'm sorry you are going through this. It's the lack of contact. It would be easier to fight about it all.

He doesnt sound nice. x

The female best friend thing sounds familiar, have you posted about it before?

Anyway, that's another red flag for me really. Add to that his views on your behaviour when you were single and didn't even know him and I think you have had a lucky escape,

I think he MAY have been looking for a reason to end things.