I made mistakes.... Can he forgive me?

[Whyislifesohardconfused2016]

Hi I'm really struggling with the current situation ... I started dating my ex D just over two years ago. From the offset he told me that he couldn't commit to a relationship because his job was ending in 6 months and he was moving overseas.. But I carried on seeing him anyway. After 4 months I was completely in love with him and we both decided to commit to eachother and do the long distance relationship and we were blissfully happy for the next 2 years. He is moving over this week to be with me and start new job. Last week was my final trip to visit him before he moved again and on the last night he stayed up all night whilst I was sleeping and went through all my phone messages from recently right up to 2012. In there he has seen messages from me flirting with an ex when we first met and some messages from 3-4 months in to our relationship which suggest I slept with the ex (We met up and had dinner, wine... He kissed me and I initially kissed him back) the next day I sent endless texts telling him I wanted to be friends only.. No sex and that I felt like a whore for having kissed him.. I never told any of this to my partner at the time because things were so up in the air. But this was one of the catalysts for me knowing i wanted to commit to him and the Long distance. It sounds stupid but over the next two years I completely forgot this had even happened

D said nothing to me about having looked through my phone next day.. He was quiet but let me leave thinking everything was normal . Then he sent me a long very hurtful email telling me what he had done that I wasn't the person he thought I was that he was shocked to see what I was really like and he has blocked all forms of communication with me and that I am out of his life forever.

I can't even explain how I feel. He is the love of my life and I feel so sad that I have hurt him. I regret everything that happened with this guy at the start of our relationship and having mulled it over I know I was acting out of insecurity and fear that the new boyfriend I was falling in love with was leaving me in a few months.

I don't feel as though it was cheating because even though we were very close we hadn't made a commitment at this point and from the moment I knew we were committed I have been completely and utterly loyal and faithful.

I don't know why he chose that night to go through my phone he has had all my passwords for over a year.

I also don't know why I have never deleted a single message from my phone.

It's been 6 days of no contact from him.

I've sent several emails apologising telling him how much i love him and trying to explain I was confused and insecure but no response. I don't know what to do.

So Sorry this happened OP. reading your last posts I'm convinced now, as previous posters have said, that you've dodged a bullet here and he's actually done you a favour. He sounds abusive and also narcissistic - he's abused you by proxy, in a sense, with the dynamics wrt his 'best friend' as well as his family. Is there anyone else he's kept you separate from but told you things they are supposedly saying (or saying with his collusion)? The sudden discarding is what narcissists do as well. Assuming others are up to what they themselves are doing is one of their big traits, so he may actually have been unfaithful where you were not. So he blamed you for his secrecy about his best friend? Did he seem real to you, over time, on an emotional level? Or supportive? I ask because they are quite an empty shell as people, but they do know how to draw partners in at the beginning. Most of all they have no empathy. It's very hard to get closure with this type too and it's important to try and get that in other ways when moving on.

I am glad you haven't got property or children with him. The lovely thing is, is that you are capable of committed relationship, so take that knowing away with you

No I haven't posted about the best friend before.. But happy to hear other people have had that crazy experience!! This to me just shows that he should understand why I wasn't completely honest at the beginning because at the time it seemed not much point in saying by the way I kissed my ex last night !!

I'm not impressed with the latest revaluation of his female friend. Did he pull her up for criticising you openly? If not why not? That would have been a bit of a concern for me.

Did you ever ask him how he'd feel if a make friend was staying with you like that?

I'm now of the mind that he definetly wanted an excuse and went searching for one. He ignored your later messages about how you felt towards him.

Some guys don't like their GF to have had flings or casual sex, but either way, it's best the relationship is over.

Don't bother with him and tick it off as one of life's experiences. Don't keep unecessary text messages (I'm suprised your phone has that much memory) and look forward to a better relationship.

He isn't worth it.

Sorry OP but I think he was looking for an excuse not to move over

My love, this bloke is a wrong un.

He has no business questioning you or punishing you for anything before him.

My ex was like this. Went on to make my life a living hell.

The best friend is not a friend of your relationship and he should have put her in her place about you.

You can judge a man by the company he keeps. She sounds a right cow tbh.

He had no right to send you a nasty email. He's been nasty enough by ending it.

Please make sure he doesn't come back to you.

I know how hard this is to consider, but you'll never trust him again, and he will hurt you.

Thanks again for latest messages... Still no word from him so maybe he really is that cruel guy who will break up by email and never say a word.

More reflections- he had an ex who lied to him - after two years he found out she was 10 years older than she said she was and also had a secret child. He had never made a serious commitment before ( I have lived with an ex for 4 years). So I presume this is why he felt compelled to snoop because of his own fears and insecurities.
Also the messages with said ex make it sound like we have slept together because I say "I want to be friends only without the sex and I feel like a slut a few glasses of wine and I'm kissing you!!" And the ex replies sorry i shouldn't have started anything...
From months before this before I met him and after our first date there are also lots of flirty messages with the ex So maybe this is why he is so angry, hurt and upset ...

Doesn't change the fact that there are two years of crap messages after this showing the ex is clearly just a friend - discussing work, mutual friends and mostly how happy i am in the relationship ..

Genuinely still in shock!!

I messaged his mother asking if she could ask him to contact me, I also said I know you recently have expressed doubts about the relationship but I want you to know he has things wrong and from the moment we decided to be committed I have been nothing other than faithful, honest and true...

She shockingly replied and said very nicely that he feels really bad about what's happened but is very stressed at the moment starting his new job and looking for accommodation so she doesn't want to make it worse by asking him to call me. But she said i should give it time until he is sorted and he will see things as they truly are...

I didn't reply ... Slightly stronger than the last week but still heart broken snd traumatised..

You didn't do anything wrong, not even a mistake. You had not committed to each other yet and he specifically told you that he could not commit to you.

I think he was just looking for a reason to break it off with you and even if there had been no such messages, he would have found another excuse. I would just respond to him that the two of you were not in a committed relationship at that stage but his snoopjng through your phone like that leads you to think that he's probably right...

Bet he didn't offer you access to his emails/messages of the past two years ...

A man who shames you for having relationships before you even met him is not a good man. He sounds a bit Justin Lee Collins.

I'm sorry it must be horrible to have had your plans whipped away from you without any discussion but it really sounds like you dodged a bullet.

Enough! Right now. He's not worth another moment of your time. How would you feel anyway if he came back now? Reprimanded and forgiven? On eggshells? Dreading the next moment he takes a dislike of something tiny and sulks again? No. Not good enough. A real man and boyfriend wouldn't drop you like a hot stone and punish you. Someone who cared enough would talk. Do not chase him, trying to find ways to contact him, I know it's easy for me to say, but don't! He is not treating you anywhere near well enough.

What, he was going off on one cos you've slept with a couple of blokes when you were single!

That's not good, you're well rid.

As honey has said, how could you now ever move forward in a relationship with this man?

Imagine he says he'll see you again. Every day onwards you'll wonder if he'll be with you at the end of the day.

It's awful, but it will get better.

Thanks you guys have been so supportive think I've driven my lovely friends and family mad!!
I do see all your points and agree. I know I deserve better . But there's still a major part of me that thinks he genuinely feels gutted and betrayed (wrongly) but you can't change emotions and that's why he has acted in this awful way, especially given the stress he is under - moving house, changing jobs with which there were major issues.

His mother said that she feels sorry for me for how I feel and knows that he also feels bad about everything but to let some time pass because of all the stresses and then he will see things as they really are....

I think it's plainly obvious how things are - he's no good, you're better off without him. To go through your phone like that is a hallmark of an abusive relationship. That doesn't even include springing his 'best friend' on you. It's hard, you've had a horrendous time - but try to move on now and plonk his sorry arse in the past xxx

It's a very hard situation to accept although perhaps it is the universe trying to save me from babies and unhappy life with this man

This.

Deep down you know that's he's way out of order. To criticise you for what you did years before you met, and for dating others when you were in a non exclusive relationship with him. And the secret female BF that you never met and who hated you.

He never planned to move over at all. He was just looking for a excuse to blame you.

You called his mum? Please stop this!

He ended things a week ago, it's clear what he wants in his life love, and it's not you sadly. He's probably been planning is for a while and looking for excuses. Why else would have not told you where he was moving to? Shown it to you etc?

Are you sure about his stories of the ex who lied about her age etc? It's so far fetched?

My love, if I ended a relationship like this, it would not be on a whim, it would be a sure decision. I might grab onto a reason to help leverage. But if a guy called my mother after repeatedly emailing me challenging my right to end the relationship it would be absolute game over and he'd be so far in the freaky territory it's not true.

My ex punished me for hours at a time for the wrongs I'd committed before I met him, it ruined me (among other emotional torture methods he used when I toughened up a bit)

Do not ever give this guy the time of day again. Burn his details, delete his numbers and do not answer any messages if they come. I don't think they will though.

I know you may struggle to see this, but you've dodged a bullet. If he treats you like this once, and you let him back, he'll do it again, but worse.

Please look up narcissistic abuse / narcissistic personality OP. There's a lot of helpful info on the web about it now. So much in your posts suggests that to me. Good luck The hardest thing of all is pulling away, as you wont get closure. Also difficult, but important, is not attributing him with your own code or way of thinking.

Update - I took some time off work and went away with my girlfriends. I posted 4 pics on Instagram on the beach in a bikini having fun with my friends. That night He emailed me saying - do you really love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me and only me?

I was ecstatic and replied telling him of course i do and could we talk? He replied saying you have broken my heart and how you've acted afterwards isn't what a real woman does when she loves a man and he is their priority. And that he had moved to London anyway and started his job.
I took this to mean that he was angry that I went away and was seemingly having fun (even though I had no way to contact him since his previous email cutting me off some weeks before) and decided to as soon as I came back from holiday go to his work to try to speak to him because that's what it seemed he was asking me to. I sent an email and said I'm outside your work do you want to speak - no reply for 3 days and he wasn't actually at work.

Then yesterday I received my email a pdf document entitled "the dream" written by him initially 3 pages about how much he loves me and how perfect he thought I was
Then 3 pages of annotated screen shots of every message he didn't like in my phone - annotated with how this proves I was cheating or how it proves I'm a horrible / slutty/ flirty person.

Admittedly the messages to and from the ex are very suggestive and flirty but they are 2.5 years old and from when we first started dating.
There are some conversations with male friends also from over 2 years ago where I asked their opinions on whether men can do long distance and if he would cheat and what if I cheated.
But everything else is normal talk about wanting adventure travel etc and he annotates it with crazy thoughts!
At the end he says that he can't forgive or marry someone who has behaved in this way and asks me not to contact him again!!!
All I feel is absolute guilt and sorrow because it seems clear this is a deluded man but completely in love and i believe if I could just speak to him he would see things how they truly are not how he has warped them to be....

So can I just check - you think this behaviour shows that he's completely I love with you ?

And it makes you feel guilty and sad

And you want to talk to him so you can change his mind so you can be together.

Have I got this right ?

His behaviour shows that he is obsessive and controlling. He's not in love with you, not YOU , the real you. He's obsessed with the fantasy female in his head .

He's disturbed . If you get involved with him again he will abuse you. You need to stay away from him .

Seriously . No wonder your family and friends are worried about you.

would you consider getting some counselling for yourself? You need to understand why you are acting in such a self destructive way, how you have learned to put up with all this crap .

If your relationship cannot stand something that happened several years ago when you were in a period of him telling you he couldn't commit to a relationship that sounds a bit of a worry. If he loves you as much as you love him he will come back, if he doesn't this was merely a convenient hook for him to hang his'escape' on!!

Just seen your update, what a controlling creepy fucker avoid like the plague.

This is really really chilling. He's toying with you and his use of the word 'love' seems highly manipulative. He can contact you but not you him. Please consider Kr1stina's advice.

He's a complete and utter tool. You have dodged a bullet. Time to go cold turkey.

Urghhh. What a creepy fucker. Who does that sort of thing??

He is in love with a fantasy woman in his head. Not you. You have dodged a bullet there. Run far away, block him, do not speak to him again!

Listen to what he's telling you - he can't forgive or marry someone who has behaved in this way and asks me not to contact him again!!!

So take him at his word and don't contact him.

Oh god the three pages analysing your texts. Not normal. Don't turn up at his work. Just leave it now.

His issue not yours. Tbh it seems as if he was looking for a way out. I'd be wondering how much of the last 2 years had been genuine.