Boyfriend is stalking his ex

[toogoodtobepoo]

I felt like I needed to name change for this one. Sorry this is long.

I found out something awful about my lovely, lovely boyfriend and I can't get my head round it. I can't face talking to anyone in real life.

For what it's worth I'll give the background first. We've been together 2 years. He moved in three months ago. It's been wonderful, and I'm not looking at that with rose tinted glasses. It really has. He's considerate, so loving and affectionate. Yeah we have our rows but we've both come from shit marriages and we always talk everything through and we support each other with everything. My hard-to-please family thinks he's amazing. My friends all think I'm so lucky. Most importantly he loves my 4-year-old DD and she loves him. I honestly have been so inlove and happy. But it was just too good to be true.

When we met, we were both separated - him for 6 months and me for 12. We were both pretty bruised. He'd found his ex sleeping with someone else. She had a child (not his) so he left and continued to pay the mortgage (she couldn't afford it, his name on mortgage etc). In the end, he, his friends and family had all come to the conclusion that she hadn't really loved him and broke up with him as soon as they bought the house shortly after they were married. I knew he had become was very bitter and hurt but I thought he was over it.

But about a week ago we were driving while on a weekend away and we wanted to look up somewhere to stop on the way. My phone was dead so I reached for his phone to use Google. His reaction was really bizarre. He pulled over and started waffling and took his phone off me and I knew he was trying to prevent me from looking at his phone.

For the first time ever I was suspicious and the next day I got an opportunity to look at his phone. I was dreading finding messages to a girl but instead what I found was really strange and I couldn't work it out at first.

Basically, when he and his wife split, he set up a FB profile using some of her pictures but with a different name. He's sent hundreds of message to girls from this profile, telling them they're beautiful and stunning and basically propositioning them. As her.

I had it out with him. He said it's been a form of revenge. At first, everytime she was horrible to him he did it to get back at her, he wants to sully her reputation as it was always so important to her.

From the dates on the messages, he was really active 2.5 years ago and is less so since then. But every few months, he's been logging in and sending the messages again. The last time was last month.

He said now every time he's alone or bored or feeling bad he does it. He said it's like a bad habit he can't break. He said he would do anything to prove to me that he isn't obsessed with her and he loves me and DD and doesn't want to lose us. He's deleted the sick account and has made an appointment with a counsellor for Tuesday. He let me look through his entire phone.

I told him to leave and he has but he wants to try and work things out. I just think it mustn't have been real if was still thinking about her so much even if it was bad. And even though I have no love lost for this woman, I can't believe he would do this. And he could have got into trouble too. All for revenge??

I really miss him and feel so so so so so so sad. But it's just so weird. I don't understand how he could do this and why.

Oh yes. Someone who has done this before will be doing it again. It is in their mindset.

Sounds like hes playing a sick lesbian fantasy out trying to gain pics off these women

Bullet dodged.

Whether it was a campaign of revenge against the ex, or him cat-fishing other women, you'd need your head read if you ever let him near your DD ever again.

And fwiw I think this is like the discovery of an affair, I bet all you've found is the tip of the iceberg.

I think it is worth the OP reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" book and seeing if the boyfriend's behaviours ring any bells, he certainly has a very screwed relationship compass.

If he is mentally disturbed then trying to ascribe rational motives to him is pointless - read Lundy then see if there is something in that.
Also - he can't be cured by anyone other than a professional so don't try to cure him.

I know what he's told me about his break up is pretty much correct. We had mutual friends when we met, I am now very good friends with his best friend and wife and the wife and I have had a long chat about what happened, about how they all suspected she was using him etc

Unless the wife had been talking direct to the ex, then she doesn't know anything. Only what he's been telling people.

You need to detach and block this guy. Whether this is revenge, or some sort of sexual thrill, it's not good.

I don't think he's a danger to your DD.

I think he became obsessed with revenge, but unless these people knew her, it's not the best kind of revenge. There's much better ways to seek revenge and be truthful about it. He just set out to tell lies about his Ex.

My issue would be, what would he do to me if I did anything wrong? What kind if revenge would he have in store for me. So on that basis I would end it.

Had he simply sent a FB message to all her friends and family saying she cheated on him, then that would be true. She wouldn't have liked it, but it was the truth.

This is very weird.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP it's a lot to take in. I think in your shoes I'd ask for a three month no contact break in which I'd expect him to be attending regular counselling sessions. It would also give me time to be completely away from him and reflect on everything.

I've been trying to think about what his motivations could be. I think it's quite normal ( do others agree?) to occasionally look at ex's social media accounts online and out of curiosity have a look at what they're doing. However what he's done has strayed well into red flag territory and the fact he hasn't said to himself " hang on this is a bit mental" all this time later is alarming. Maybe in the week or two that followed an ill thought or act of revenge could be overlooked ( but still not right) but now, this sustained level of abuse makes me think yes he still has feelings for this woman and he also needs professional help. He's not fit for purpose for a relationship at the moment.

I doubt this is anything to do with revenge. He has spun you this line in the hope you will swallow it, but really - use your brain - where is the revenge?

It looks far more likely your BF is the kind of sicko who catfishes women using fake profiles. I wonder how many he actually has? People like this get off on the fake persona they create and the "relationships" they develop with gullible people online. I think the fact that the one you found has a photo of his ex on it is a red herring tbh.

I wouldn't want this kind of pervert anywhere near my DD, or near me.

I agree with TimelyTess

He sets up a fb account with her photos but not her name.

There is something quite odd about this that doesn't ring true.

In broad terms (not the actual name obv) what kind of name was the new name? Was it a similar could be mistaken name - so (eg) actual name is Tess Johnson, fake FB name is Tessa Johns or Tess Smith? Was it completely unrelated (eg) actual name Tess Johnson fake FB name Philomena Ponsonby-Werthington? Or was it an impermissible under rules of FB not a real name at all like The Dark Arts or Tolstoy Fan?

Subject to the name, seems to me there are a number of possibilities here:

1. It was a long term plan to dupe her actual friends into befriending the new fake FB profile and get access to networks of people who knew her - so he can see what she is up to. This is a common FB stalking technique "Hi it's me. Sorry locked out of my profile, set up a new one in maiden name/new user name/trying to get away from ex bf"

1. He wanted to use a woman's profile to get easier access to other women for the purpose of online self titillation. Is there any info as to whether the women he was messaging as a woman were lesbian or straight? If lesbian, high chance he was trying to get into sex chat.

1. There is something else weirder going on here that you can't yet see. Like gender identity issues. Or it's a cover for something else. Don't forget that you can change your username on FB (eg. if you get married) so the name you now see may not have been the original name.

All in all the idea that this was for "revenge" doesn't really hold water - unless the end game was to contact her new partner anonymously and say "do you realise she's a cheating lesbian? Try asking [these women on FB"]

The whole thing is very peculiar and I do not buy that it is a habit. There is more to this than meets the eye. Is it actually true? Have you made a mistake? Or exaggerated elements in your OP?

I was thinking of catfish, too.

He's just a common or garden pervert then ?

How fucking banal

Don't wanna confuse, but, if gender identity issues....could cross dressing maybe considered a potential aspect? And therefore something that he maybe hiding.

"Your boyfriend sounds like it is possibly sexually exciting, with a little element of revenge that he tells himself to justify it. That's why it doesn't make sense to you. Because it's possibly not the real reason."

Yep, that's what I was thinking too...

I'm so sorry you are in pain, it's horrible isn't it firstly this isn't your fault & you have done nothing wrong.
I wonder if you have considered that he might be a psychopath they aren't all knife wielding killers see below...he may not even know he is one.
www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/01/life-as-a-nonviolent-psychopath/282271/
The charming man you speak of that seemed almost to good to be true is telling maybe conscious or sub consciously he becomes what people want him to be so that he can get what he wants.

Also the fact he doesn't from what you have said seem to feel guilt for trying to emotionally torture his ex for years or whatever he was doing...he's just shown remorse for being caught.

If he is & wasn't aware of it maybe you could forgive him it is a biological condition after all but the question is do you want to live with someone like that...I probably couldn't

I hope your heartbreak will heal soon 😘

Agree with all the posters who've said the revenge excuse doesn't make sense; seems like a smoke screen. There's something else going on with him but what exactly... ? V sorry you are having to deal with this op.

Blimey this sounds like a part of my own life! I'm usually only a lurker but had to post on this thread.

OP, please don't continue to be in a relationship with this man.

My ex did a similar thing to me over years, it started before we got married and happened for years afterwards. I only found out after I'd left him because of abuse. I'd gotten in contact with an old male friend from college and found out that someone had been pretending to be me. That led straight back to the ex.

He'd done this with multiple other people in my life. He'd take my photos from social media and pretend to be me. He also apparently sent some explicit photos which may or may not have been of me. I work in a public profession so I never sent him anything like that, and I still don't know if they're of me (taken without my permission) or of some random woman who looks like me.

This is likely to just be the tip of the iceberg. There is usually something else. I'd be extremely concerned about how he will react should things turn sour with you and he seeks 'revenge'. And it isn't revenge, it's pure spiteful obsession.

Please oh please LTB!! It's a no brainer - especially with your DD!! Xx

Oh dear. My post has been removed. I expect MN thought I was troll-hunting. The points I made were reasonable, though. The premise does not hold water.

If you had long chats with my Ex's friends and family, they would probably tell you a string of untruths about me too. You'd be surprised what people will want to believe in order to preserve the good image of someone they care about. His friends and family know him just as well as you though you did.

Be very careful, this man isn't misguided, he's dangerous. Now you know what lengths he's prepared to go to, to harm a woman who in his eyes has 'wronged' him, I wouldn't be surprised if you became the new recipient of his seriously fucked up criminal behaviour. Report him.

Now you know what lengths he's prepared to go to, to harm a woman who in his eyes has 'wronged' him,

Upon reflection it seems unlikely there would be any negative consequences for the ex.

I think if he is genuinely going to counselling then perhaps he is worth another chance. You can't help people who won't help themselves and if he is, then I think that's positive. Not really an answer but just a thought I had.

So sorry for you Toogood. It really is very odd behaviour, weird, unsettling stuff. It is quite abstract and not a very direct way to sully her reputation, and I'm not sure whether its harrassment and bullying. But he was trying to harm her and its not a healthy way to behave, its obsessive and clearly something that makes him ashamed.

Its very hard to imagine being in your shoes but I would be anxious about him living with me and my DC. I think you should keep him away until you know more about who he is. He's done something very strange that means you need to find out if there is more that doesn't add up about him.

I'm afraid that once you spot furtive behaviour it is a warning sign that he is capable of subverting his outward values and respectability with secretive anti-social behaviour. Is he someone you can trust? Is he who he seems to be? What else is going on? Is he weak, does he really have integrity? With your DC involved you really do need to be very sure about him and his trustworthiness. Be very very cautious. I would find it very hard to be at ease with someone so furtive.

So sorry Toogood. look after yourself. And get yourself some support.

I agree with others that I don't think this is about revenge, more the fulfilling of some weird fantasy. It's been years and the fact that he does it when he's annoyed or bored suggests it's a compulsion that he can't stop. I don't think it's got anything to do with his ex wife, presumably she doesn't even know about it after all this time. It was probably just easy to use her pictures as he already had access to them. He's stolen an identity and sexually harassed other women, whilst he was with you, please back away slowly and make sure he deletes any pictures of you and your Dd off his phone!