Boyfriend is stalking his ex

[toogoodtobepoo]

I felt like I needed to name change for this one. Sorry this is long.

I found out something awful about my lovely, lovely boyfriend and I can't get my head round it. I can't face talking to anyone in real life.

For what it's worth I'll give the background first. We've been together 2 years. He moved in three months ago. It's been wonderful, and I'm not looking at that with rose tinted glasses. It really has. He's considerate, so loving and affectionate. Yeah we have our rows but we've both come from shit marriages and we always talk everything through and we support each other with everything. My hard-to-please family thinks he's amazing. My friends all think I'm so lucky. Most importantly he loves my 4-year-old DD and she loves him. I honestly have been so inlove and happy. But it was just too good to be true.

When we met, we were both separated - him for 6 months and me for 12. We were both pretty bruised. He'd found his ex sleeping with someone else. She had a child (not his) so he left and continued to pay the mortgage (she couldn't afford it, his name on mortgage etc). In the end, he, his friends and family had all come to the conclusion that she hadn't really loved him and broke up with him as soon as they bought the house shortly after they were married. I knew he had become was very bitter and hurt but I thought he was over it.

But about a week ago we were driving while on a weekend away and we wanted to look up somewhere to stop on the way. My phone was dead so I reached for his phone to use Google. His reaction was really bizarre. He pulled over and started waffling and took his phone off me and I knew he was trying to prevent me from looking at his phone.

For the first time ever I was suspicious and the next day I got an opportunity to look at his phone. I was dreading finding messages to a girl but instead what I found was really strange and I couldn't work it out at first.

Basically, when he and his wife split, he set up a FB profile using some of her pictures but with a different name. He's sent hundreds of message to girls from this profile, telling them they're beautiful and stunning and basically propositioning them. As her.

I had it out with him. He said it's been a form of revenge. At first, everytime she was horrible to him he did it to get back at her, he wants to sully her reputation as it was always so important to her.

From the dates on the messages, he was really active 2.5 years ago and is less so since then. But every few months, he's been logging in and sending the messages again. The last time was last month.

He said now every time he's alone or bored or feeling bad he does it. He said it's like a bad habit he can't break. He said he would do anything to prove to me that he isn't obsessed with her and he loves me and DD and doesn't want to lose us. He's deleted the sick account and has made an appointment with a counsellor for Tuesday. He let me look through his entire phone.

I told him to leave and he has but he wants to try and work things out. I just think it mustn't have been real if was still thinking about her so much even if it was bad. And even though I have no love lost for this woman, I can't believe he would do this. And he could have got into trouble too. All for revenge??

I really miss him and feel so so so so so so sad. But it's just so weird. I don't understand how he could do this and why.

Oh do fuck off Justaboy. What he did is a serious criminal offence. Over several years. This isn't a booboo or a bit of a laugh. It's harassment and stalking for the sole purpose of humiliating his ex-partner. A man who does this is is a abusive asshole. Not a good guy who made one mistake. But a man who spent nearly 3 years shitting all over his former partner and engaging in sexual harassment of countless women.

It's fucking weird whether it hurts the ex wife or not, who thinks of something like that? Not someone I would want near my kids that's for sure.

It's nothing like OCD, or similar. Please don't liken this strange behaviour to a disorder where most sufferers have an overwhelming need to protect and care for the people they love.

It's pure and simple revenge. I would want him out OP. Whose to say you won't be the next target further down the line.

ThatStewie Well as unpleasant as it is professional help is needed then I'm sure that will come to the attention of the appropriate authorities and that's why I suggest that the counselling is carried forward and as soon as.

We will, or the OP with have to see what the appropriate remedy is as the law sees fit.

I agree with Makeitrain I think the reason some posters are stressing to the OP how serious this is, is because she is saying things about going to counselling with him and "I don't know what I'm considering." which makes it sound like she would reconcile..........

Obviously nobody thinks you had a crystal ball and exposed your DD to this loser deliberately. But - now you know what a fucking weirdo he is, that totally changes things.

Justaboy he did try and hide it. He had a complee headfit/meltdown when the OP went to use his mobile. He's been hiding it for years. You honestly can't say he's relieved he's been found out... his weeping and wailing since the discovery is just self preservation as he has been found out.

I honestly think a big point is... we don't know how far this has gone. All we know is he's been propositioning women on FB whilst pretending to be his ex. He has deliberately set up a profile with pictures of her, he's purporting to be her to cause upset and stress. We don't know what he's been saying in his messages to these women, we don't know what else he has done. As I said before, it won't just be this. He is a man out for revenge. There will be more.

I couldnt forgive that. Not only is he trying to humiliate his ex, he's doing it by harassing women and probably getting off on it too.

We all want vengence when done wrong, but we dont do it. This is a man who was in a lovely new relationship, moved in and looked like a real future with the OP and still he had this need to humilate his ex, possibly even when in the some house as the OP. I just couldnt trust him ever again.

Another thing is, what is the content of these messages?

It's disgusting him posing as her - but the words were all his. All those sexual propositions..... bleeeuuurgh.

Nobody said op deliberately exposed her dd to this werdo, ffs

My comments are in the context of now she knows what he is capable of...she needs to make futute decisions based on that

You must be devastated.

I wonder if he was getting a sexual thrill from harassing random women online whilst pretending to be a woman.

Also it would make me wonder what other despicable behaviour he was hiding.

Roussette Well agree with you on most of that I don't think he did hide it all that well it I think overtook him, it is like a mental illness, course it's not normal behaviour al all.

As to others being offended I'm a bit surprised that no ones complained before its on the statutes as to sending Obnoxious, offensive, vexatious misleading messages by electronic means etc.

OP I really feel for you, this is a horribly upsetting thing for you to have to discover about the man you love.
His behaviour is disturbingly pathological and really very chilling. He has been able to carefully construct a trustworthy image of himself that has, over time, convinced you that you are having a successful relationship with a wonderful man.
Meanwhile his private, inner emotional life is dark, destructive and unhealthy. I think stalking his ex gave him the thrill of power, and would worry that he is capable of being dangerously sexually obsessive.
I don't think he is ready to take responsibility and change his behaviour. Wanting you to go to counselling with him means that he is trying to make you bear his responsibility. His behaviour needs to be addressed because it, in itself, is harmful and wrong, not in order to save his relationship with you. Encourage him to attend counselling alone.
Sorry OP but I think you and your daughter need to step away from him.

People's mates, especially men's, always think their mate is 'the nicest bloke you could ever meet'. Online, you find that kind of quote with depressing regularity attached to some hideous stories. And they always blame the woman for relationship problems - now in this case apparently she was cheating, but it doesn't necessarily follow that she was only using him for money.

He thought she was a whore for cheating, so he decided to give her a whore's presence on social media - extra gleeful because her public reputation was so important to her. I wonder if any of the women wrote back while he was with you. Does FB message sexting count as cheating?

Breaking up with him now would probably be for the best, because it's his fault. If you stay and in the future you break up and the reason is one he can blame you for, what might he do then?

I think informing the police, or at least his ex and let her decide is probably the best.

Also be careful what revenge he may unleash on you.

I wouldn't trust anything he said about the ex. No matter what his family or friends think of him.

The whole stalking think is deeply sick. And the weird sexual thrill-seeking slightly porny way he has gone about it is even worse. I suspect he is a big user of porn, and just careful about deleting his search history.

TBH if I were you I would just be shitting it wondering what he was planning to do to make me pay for dumping him.

It's not mental illness it's entitlement. His feelings were hurt and so the woman who hurt him must pay. That's not illness- we've seen similar time and time again where angry bitter men ruin lives because they're unable to cope with rejection. OP the LTB comments really are wise. Hes supposedly in a loving relationship with you but still hung up on his ex hurting his feelings? So hung up he's hellbent on revenge years later while supposedly happy with you? He's not over her and until all that creepy shot stops he never will be.

Your priority is your daughter and you need to keep yourself and her safe.

I also wouldn't fault you for calling the police or the ex.

I wouldnt believe anything he said about the ex either.

You said his mate's wife gave you the story. Well... that story could be what he's fed her.

As a pp said, he all feel like revenge at times. So we stick a kipper on the car radiator, or cut holes in his favourite jumper. Or we just dream about what we'd do and do nothing. This is different. This is sustained harrassment over years

Personally I cannot for a second see how this is revenge?

To me he has been cat fishing these women. Making sexual advances as a different person. Did he have prolonged conversations with any of these women?

He is using revenge to minimise what he was actually doing. Something you may forgive over something you probably couldn't.

If this was revenge then he would have used his ex's actual name and made sure that she and people that respected her knew about it. Otherwise the intention to sully her reputation makes no sense.

I'm sorry op. I think the only thing this has to do with his ex is that he conveniently had pictures of her that he could use on his catfish profile. He probably did think "ha serves her right" but he also probably just thought she was attractive bait.

Counselling is a good idea for him but he is not unique in setting up this kind of account to get kicks from deceiving women. Please be very sceptical about this revenge shit if it is likely to sway you to forgive him

Crossed posts tess

Glad it's not just me...

Honest to goodness OP, I would be genuinely scared of a man who did something like that. Especially a man who presented as incredibly kind and a staunch supporter of equal rights, all the while doing something so vile and cruel and deliberate. What do you think he will do to you as revenge? Because he is clearly not the kind supporter it equal rights he appears to be.
I don't know many people who have never been a bit weird about an ex. Every so often I Google one of mine. But if I had the urge to set up a fake account pretending to be him and to use it to harass other people I would get myself to the GP and beg for help because I would know something was going very, very seriously wrong in my head. You don't do this shit. His desperation to hide it from you shows he knows it was wrong. Yet he still did it. Over and over and over again. Why? Why does he think he was entitled to do something like this? Again, OP, if you don't take pity and take him back, what will he decide is fitting revenge for you?

What I cannot understand is that he set up a fake account to message all these women, purporting to be the ex, but used a different name, so how did he think he was exacting revenge on her, when she is likely to be completely in the dark about this account. To want revenge after this amount of time is worrying, but for the subject to not know they are being targeted is futile.

I would want to know how he thinks this is revenge and what bad things he thinks will happen to her about an account she has no knowledge of and is probably not contacted by anyone who has been messaged.

Likely he has been receiving the replies on the fake account (if there are any) and getting off on that, strange, but I am struggling to see how the ex has been affected by any of this.

If it were my partner I would be having a long hard think about whether I could have this person in my like any more, especially as there is a child involved.

the wife and I have had a long chat about what happened, about how they all suspected she was using him etc

So he'd 'sullied' her to their friends too?

I'd watch your own back now. Your turn now that you've rejected his lordship.

I agree with the poster who said that this might not be about revenge at all really, but that's the easy story to tell.

I had someone harrass me via FB who I had stopped seeing because I realised he really wasn't all that good at hiding that bitterness at all. I could see it in him about his ex and I was right when he did it to me. It was some awful messages from 'his friend' calling me all kinds of awful names but as I wasn't friends with this person on FB they went into spam and I didn't see them for months. When I went in the inbox there were about 40. So then I blocked and he set up a profile in my name with a photo and nasty comments and friended all my friends and posted crap on their photos of me.

Your boyfriend sounds like it is possibly sexually exciting, with a little element of revenge that he tells himself to justify it. That's why it doesn't make sense to you. Because it's possibly not the real reason.

I don't know him or you, I can only comment that I have seen first hand a revengeful bastard and they really aren't that good at hiding it. It kind of seeps out of them.

Whereas people who do it for sexual thrills seem to ENJOY the actual secrecy part, it makes it more exciting. What may have started off as humiliation has now become powerful and thrilling, without really feeling like it is wrong or cheating