Boyfriend is stalking his ex

[toogoodtobepoo]

I felt like I needed to name change for this one. Sorry this is long.

I found out something awful about my lovely, lovely boyfriend and I can't get my head round it. I can't face talking to anyone in real life.

For what it's worth I'll give the background first. We've been together 2 years. He moved in three months ago. It's been wonderful, and I'm not looking at that with rose tinted glasses. It really has. He's considerate, so loving and affectionate. Yeah we have our rows but we've both come from shit marriages and we always talk everything through and we support each other with everything. My hard-to-please family thinks he's amazing. My friends all think I'm so lucky. Most importantly he loves my 4-year-old DD and she loves him. I honestly have been so inlove and happy. But it was just too good to be true.

When we met, we were both separated - him for 6 months and me for 12. We were both pretty bruised. He'd found his ex sleeping with someone else. She had a child (not his) so he left and continued to pay the mortgage (she couldn't afford it, his name on mortgage etc). In the end, he, his friends and family had all come to the conclusion that she hadn't really loved him and broke up with him as soon as they bought the house shortly after they were married. I knew he had become was very bitter and hurt but I thought he was over it.

But about a week ago we were driving while on a weekend away and we wanted to look up somewhere to stop on the way. My phone was dead so I reached for his phone to use Google. His reaction was really bizarre. He pulled over and started waffling and took his phone off me and I knew he was trying to prevent me from looking at his phone.

For the first time ever I was suspicious and the next day I got an opportunity to look at his phone. I was dreading finding messages to a girl but instead what I found was really strange and I couldn't work it out at first.

Basically, when he and his wife split, he set up a FB profile using some of her pictures but with a different name. He's sent hundreds of message to girls from this profile, telling them they're beautiful and stunning and basically propositioning them. As her.

I had it out with him. He said it's been a form of revenge. At first, everytime she was horrible to him he did it to get back at her, he wants to sully her reputation as it was always so important to her.

From the dates on the messages, he was really active 2.5 years ago and is less so since then. But every few months, he's been logging in and sending the messages again. The last time was last month.

He said now every time he's alone or bored or feeling bad he does it. He said it's like a bad habit he can't break. He said he would do anything to prove to me that he isn't obsessed with her and he loves me and DD and doesn't want to lose us. He's deleted the sick account and has made an appointment with a counsellor for Tuesday. He let me look through his entire phone.

I told him to leave and he has but he wants to try and work things out. I just think it mustn't have been real if was still thinking about her so much even if it was bad. And even though I have no love lost for this woman, I can't believe he would do this. And he could have got into trouble too. All for revenge??

I really miss him and feel so so so so so so sad. But it's just so weird. I don't understand how he could do this and why.

If we turned this around and it was a man on here who found out his new girlfriend was doing this to an ex boyfriend then I think the reaction would be the same - get rid! I don't see this is a man having a problem with women I just see a very fucked up individual and agree with pp who say that this is unacceptable behaviour and you're better off out.

By his own admission it was to exact revenge and ruin this woman's reputation. And despite being in a new relationship, he continued to do it.

Just because it doesn't fit the category of sending newspaper clippings in blood, it shouldn't be minimised.

What would have happened if one of these women had contacted the police for sexual harassment? What if his ex had found out about this? Carting himself off to a therapist indeed, he has got away very lightly here.

I know I sound like I'm being defensive on his behalf but just to answe a couple of other comment which add to my confusion

He's offered for me to go counselling with him so I would be sure he'd say everything

I know what he's told me about his break up is pretty much correct. We had mutual friends when we met, I am now very good friends with his best friend and wife and the wife and I have had a long chat about what happened, about how they all suspected she was using him etc

He stopped paying the mortgage after 12 months. So the last year and a half have been fuelled by purely bitterness

I would never put anything before my daughter. I waited a year before introducing him. Another year before he moved in. I waited until I was 100% sure of him and our future before involving her in anything.

And I've never been more sure of anyone and then I find this out. I want to punch his lights out

but I think it might just come under the 'he's done something very stupid' category rather than an immediate LTB. Am I right in thinking he didn't cause any real trouble for his ex - it was just a (strange) method of making himself feel better?

It's a bit more than that! He didn't - in a moment of madness or anger - set up a FB a/c and message one woman then walk away. He's been doing this for years. On and on.

How on earth can you trust him after this?

I certainly couldn't

Also, most imporant - you don't know what else he is doing. The FB profile could be the tip of the iceberg. The bit you've found out. There will be more because blokes like this don't stop at just that. How do you know he isn't ordering things in her name, setting up fake twitter accounts, the possibilities are endless. I just couldn't look at him in the same way ever again.

So the last year and a half have been fuelled by purely bitterness

Exactly that. Whilst he's been with you, he's been thinking of ways to make his ex pay. Very nasty and there would be zero tolerance for me. Poor ex, she has been stalked and harrassed.

I really really wouldn't go to counselling with him.

It's not relationship counselling, which is what it would turn into with you sitting there.

It's meant to be counselling to help him explore his vengefulness and bitterness and desire to humiliate his ex.

He wants you to attend counselling with him ?

Don't do that. This is his shit to sort out. Preferably very far away from you.

This is so disturbing that it can't be minimised by 'just something he does to make himself feel better'. I eat biscuits to make myself feel better, I don't stalk people and try to humiliate them years after the relevant events. Unfortunately, the fact that this is his release says something about him.

No wonder you're shocked: he seemed to be one thing and you've found out he's something else completely.

You're wondering, perhaps not fully consciously yet, if you can trust your ability to 'know' things, to 'read' peoe - and reality in general.

It is utterly, utterly shocking.

Deception on this level is quite rare.

I suspect you are grappling to find an explanation that will 'explain' this, so that you can place it within the order of ordinary experience. That is understandable. Humans have survived for centuries because we are able to assimilate new information, adjust our understanding of reality to accommodate new information, and adapt.

Great for dealing with the changing world.

Less great for dealing with a relationship with a VERY disturbed/disturbing man.

He is Someone Else's Problem now. Let a professional deal with him. Fuck knows, he needs one.

Go and find someone with fewer problems. Life is tough enough without deciding to intertwine your life (and your dayghter's) with that of someone with serious (as in SERIOUS) issues.

Seriously, run fast, find love, and one day, this will just be something you reflect on when you ponder that humans are strange, beautiful,altruistic but also dangerous and alarming.

I said no. The offer was more to prove he would tell he counsellor everything I think.

I can't understand why anyone would think this is the best "revenge"?

Isn't moving on becoming happy and successful with an ace new partner the best revenge? I'm a decent catch and we've built a lovely life, what a fucking dick head.

Why are some people never happy?

Gosh what a horrible shock to see the man you love and admire behaving this way. It wouldn't be so bad if he was just noseying at her profile but to be imitating her in order to try and cause pain, after 2 years. That is a bit of a worry. But that said men have historically been brought up to bury feelings and it may be as a result of some screwed up attitude to men showing vulnerability in his childhood. I don't know. What was his childhood like? I can imagine how you feel op.

This isn't a one off mad moment of revenge is it? He hasn't just used her toothbrush to clean the bog.

This is a creepy, sustained campaign. I agree with AF, I can't believe you would allow this man anywhere near your DD.

Well i didn't know when I allowed her near him did i?!!!!

Since I found out I've told him to go!

If you're gonna be snide and not read just leave the thread please

How bizarre! Why only women? Was he worried that he might actually set her up with a lovely new partner if he did that (assuming she is straight, not bi), or was he afraid of getting dick pics back?

I would leave. He is not safe to be around. I'm shocked at some people minimising this. His poor ex.

OP, good luck.

I'm not sure how it's revenge at all. The only people who have had to deal with this or be upset by it are random women on the Internet getting messages they don't want, and you finding out. I don't see how thought he was hurting his ex. It's very strange But for me someone bitter enough to spend 2 years on a hate campaign not caring about who else he hurts I don't care how hurt he was it would be over for me!

And I suppose it tells you how he deals with a break up. Have you heard of Claire's law? You can use it to find out about any past convictions/arrests relating to domestic violence.

Really nasty victim blaming behaviour from anyone on here saying "how could you let him near your daughter" and similar. Horrible. toogood he has manipulated and deceived you as well as harassing and stalking his ex. You were really slow and careful in introducing this man into your family and it isn't your fault the has done this and managed to keep it from you till now. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, it's a horrrrible betrayal but I think you really would be better if he stays away.

I think on balance it might be best to carry this forward into a counselling scenario. I reckon this bloke has been very deeply hurt and he hasn't coped with it at all well and on that face of it it does make for very shitty behaviour on his part. Its not a lot of fun finding your wife, girlfriend sleeping with another man, a child with someone else whilst he was with her was it paying for a roof over her head etc?.

It can be very difficult for a man to cope with to sort out those problems and a major problem it is too. I remember when I split with my first serous girlfriend under vaguely similar circumstances it took a long while for that to clear, settle down etc, and it didn't have a very good effect on my first marriage either for the earlier part of that.

It might well be that he's relived that this has come out has bubbled up from the depths and now I have a gut feeling that if this is handed correctly, sorted out he will be that man you have found him to be, maybe better. Didn't appear he went to a lot of thought to keep it buried making it available on his phone it seems as if he wanted it to come out.

I don't think you have anything to loose by going down that route its almost if its like a mental illness that he's had. Did your instincts ever have any doubts prior to this at all any other suspicious behaviour ?

Dump him now and i think you may well regret finding someone who is a decent bloke but has had a very poorly handled problem. Also you have both come out of less than just so other relationships after relatively short times for both of you.

Anyway balls in your court. That's my tuppence worth anyway I do hope it works out for you in fact both of you for that matter:-)

Jaysus. Why is MN so unsupportive these days. I you were a friend that had gone round to op's you'd be gentle. You wouldn't be screaming 'think about the children!' ffs.

Op, make yourself a hot, sweet cup of tea, come back and ignore the banshees.

If the counsellor is professional they may well need, under their code of practice, to inform the police, as he has committed crimes.

I would LTB and inform the ex and the police.

Also, it sounds like he vilified the ex and that you believed it all : have you ever met her to hear her side of things?

I think people are wondering whether by trying to understand or rationalise what he's done, you may be tempted to "try again" with him.
A long campaign designed to humiliate his ex as well as sexually harass countless other women is deeply disturbing. Don't bother trying to understand it because to an ordinary, sane and compassionate person it will never make sense.
Of course he will be desperately trying to portray himself as the charming but hurt man you thought you knew.
I could never trust this man again, and certainly wouldn't want him anywhere near my dd after this. He is bitter, vengeful and misogynistic. I would be thankful you found this out and try to put it behind you. He's not the person you thought he was and like you say, the life you had together didn't make him happy. You and your dd deserve better.

Was his hoping some of the women would respond keenly? Now wondering if there was also a sleazy, pervy element to it? And if any women did respond did he keep up the pretence?

I'm on the fence with this one. It is very weird behaviour, but I think it might just come under the 'he's done something very stupid' category rather than an immediate LTB. Am I right in thinking he didn't cause any real trouble for his ex - it was just a (strange) method of making himself feel better?

It doesn't come into the "I've done something stupid" category. That would fit one moment of madness; it could even fit a few weeks of madness. It doesn't fit keeping the FB account open and cold-bloodedly going back to it every time he felt like messing up his ex and a few women who have never done anything to him - especially it doesn't fit his conduct continuing after he got together with OP. Presumably it would just have continued indefinitely if she hadn't found out.

I suspect the revenge tactic was that at any time one of these women might recognise his ex, or do an image search on google, or go to the police who would be able to find her. What a bastard.