Surrendered Wife? Any experience?

[user1471552005]

Just that really.I am interested in how this concept worked for you or if you are a man with a surrendered wife, or if your mother was one.Which was the case for me.
How have things worked for you in the long term? I am not a journalist, I have a personal experience. Just wanted to share with others.

As a man I couldn't be arsed making all the decisions.

But my DW and I have a mild Dom-Sub relationship (for the last 16 years) which plays out by DW surrendering control of our sex life to me.

No experience. Sounds at best an unequal partnership, setting back womens' civil/human rights decades, at worst a recipe for utter utter disaster (if husband an abuser of any type).

I really want to try it as my own social experiment, and to see how long it takes for DH to notice , and how many times in my head my eyes will be when I am giving my answer- if I am allowed to call them an answer or is that too opinionated?
I'm off to read a forum!

I think I will have failed already.
DH asleep on the sofa, and I don't know if waking him up is "questioning his decisions"- I have googled for the answer but cant find out for sure , and I'm tired...
Maybe re-think my experiment tomorrow...

I read the book when I had an hour to kill once near a waterstones (standing up between the shelves).

It's obviously hideous, but there are a few important things to note:

the surrendered wife is free to leave a husband who doesn't hold his side of the bargain up. he must be the breadwinner (she doesn't need to contribute financially to have a nice lifestyle); and if he has drink problems, or is abusive, or anything like that, the contract is broken, she leaves.

this is interesting to me because I was brought up in a culture where marriage is a sacrament, not a contract. It can't be broken, no matter how badly you are treated. so this is actually more liberal than my heritage in a sense. My mum can get pretty fiery with my dad, and I see that as a necessity: he's the man she's got for life, if he can't behave well, she's miserable. Conversely, the surrendered wife is in a contract and it can be broken and she can leave.

It also shows that it is quite unusual in our culture for the man to fulfil his side of the bargain and "deserve" a surrendered wife. How many men can keep a family to a high standard of living without the woman having some paid work too?

There is a (horrible) logic to it, in that it probably does reduce conflict to allow your partner to own their domain and never interfere or criticise. But the problem is that - it has been proven time and time again - that better decisions are made collaboratively than by individuals. This is true even of competent individuals, but with the tendency of your average man to be incompetent, it is terrifying to think of women being encouraged to entrust their entire material future and security to his hands.

And then there's mean, a whole other thing.

Dangerous.

I take your points, Maudlin - but here in the secular world, marriage is a legal contract which requires continuous assent from both parties because it's fairly easily terminated.

Behavioural 'contracts', such as the surrendered wife deal, have no legal force and can't be incorporated in the legal arrangement.

I'm in no doubt that some (weird) couples feel most content when in a strictly demarcated relationship, but it's unusual and risky. As you say, decisions are best made collaboratively. Our legal system expects this too: a wife who fails to report her husband's crime or hides evidence, for instance, is guilty of obstruction or collusion. She won't get out of it by claiming surrendered wife status!

I'm in the process of organising a new bathroom? So how would a "surrendered wife " go about this? DH wants Lino on the floor and I want nice floor tiles for once - not least because it might be more desirable when we sell up (mercenary I know but he will benefit too from a quick house sale surely). He says no one has floor tiles because they're dangerous. Would a SW just say, OK dear you know best - I will order some Lino?

Yes I'm pretty sure a SW wouldn't dream of questioning her husband's decision on a domestic matter. It's liberating, you understand.

Fuck that - I don't want manky Lino

There was a "fantastic" and very long thread about this on the fluffy site. It was actually quite scary. Especially the sex bit. I mean, basically the surrendered wives have to give it up whenever he wants it, even if they are sick or tired. They can only hope that if they are sick or tired their husband will decide to be benevolent.

It's ridiculous.

What exactly is the danger in floor tiles??

the surrendered wife is free to leave a husband who doesn't hold his side of the bargain up. he must be the breadwinner (she doesn't need to contribute financially to have a nice lifestyle); and if he has drink problems, or is abusive, or anything like that, the contract is broken, she leaves.

Where does she go? And how does she get there?

The assertion that the surrendered wife can just leave if the husband isn't holding up his end doesn't work for several reasons.

It's difficult for anybody to "just leave" a marriage. It's easier than it was in the past but it's still not the kind of thing that you do lightly.

If she's completely financially dependent on him, it's really hard for her to leave.

The whole concept encourages "changing herself instead of changing him". This fits nicely with the abuse victim's script of "If I can behave better and not provoke him the abuse will stop". It doesn't encourage the "surrendered wife" to assign any responsibility to her husband, which means by the time she realises she's being abused, she's been abused for a really long time. Which erodes self confidence and makes it even harder to leave.

The surrendered wife mindset itself encourages dependence. Meaning it's probably more scary to imagine being out on your own. Encouraging a kind of codependence. Fine if the husband doesn't abuse that, but if he does...

Because the "perfectly contractual" husband of the surrendered wife in effect behaves very closely in line with how an abusive husband behaves, just without the actual abuse to keep the wife surrendered, it wouldn't necessarily be clear whether a husband is abusive or not. You can't tell whether someone is acting that way because they have male supremacist tendencies, abusive man tendencies, or because the system just works for them and they'd be happy to stop if their wife wanted to stop too. Again, this is likely to trap a woman in an abusive situation for too long so that they are further down the abuse victim rabbithole before they have a chance to realise. It also has a danger that because she is so perfectly in line most of the time, if she did ever want to change that situation, he might react unpredictably and extremely.

Where does she go? And how does she get there?

Well yes, he's got control of the money, hasn't he? So she can't afford a plane trip back to her mother's without his agreement. Oops...

Silly thing is that the author doesn't seem to recognise a happy medium between a ball-breaking bitch (excuse the old-fashioned misogynistic phrase) and a helpless chattel. It also only seems to work, like a number of set-ups, where the husband is rich. Sadly there are not enough rich blokes to go around. This is therefore not a possible lifestyle for most of us even were it desirable.

floggingMolly ah now we are not to question such things....

I've read that book and still have it. Some interesting things in it and I did think long and hard about the contents.

I took some bits and left the others.

OP I'm sorry you had such a traumatic marriage and hope you are happier now x

So! my partner is verbally abusive...interestingly in this book it states that if someone is verbally abusive, it may be because they are so sick of their partners nagging.. which completely contradicts with the view that people shouldnt be abusive at all.. but then does sit well with me cos i do believe everyone has a limit. My mum nagged ON and ON at my Dad and Im often scared I do the same without realising.. so this is why I stay in the relationship, incase I'm so unbearable that I cause him to be like it. ANYWAY I read most of the Surrendered Wife last night and decided to try it. This morning he woke up early and said I'm going downstairs. I said "whatever you thinks best". I wouldnt have argued anyway to be fair but might have asked for a cuddle.. anyway after that he gave me loads of hugs and kisses where usually hes cold as anything and bought me a coffee later, which he never does without me begging. THIS WAS GREAT...however!!! How does it work when he doesnt do the same as you?!? A little while later I was doing housework upstairs, came downstairs to him shouting cos I had bought more food and the glasses didnt all fit in the cupboard...I forgot about being non critisising and said ok Ill buy less, what about your massive pile of clothes upstairs.. to which he went mental, told me he cant stand looking at me and hates me.. this has got better.. it used to be a lot worse I used to be called c and think as s and worse.. there was another simular incident later. In just dont know whether its a lost cause or not :(

It's just a ridiculous way for grown adults to live, that's all.