Surrendered Wife? Any experience?

[user1471552005]

Just that really.I am interested in how this concept worked for you or if you are a man with a surrendered wife, or if your mother was one.Which was the case for me.
How have things worked for you in the long term? I am not a journalist, I have a personal experience. Just wanted to share with others.

I'll comment if the OP changes to a proper username and starts a new thread

OP, I'd suggest you change your user name to a "proper" name. There are so many people round here called user147something that posters tend to be a little suspicious and therefore less forthcoming.

I read a bit of surrendered wife during a time when I was trying to fix some issues in my relationship, and I gave it a go, but it doesnt come naturally to me, and I quickly started feeling like half a person, and whilst my dp liked me being all nice I guess, it isnt a way to fix a relationship, and that happened naturally when other stresses lessened

OopsThereGoMyTrousers

Ok I understand. I'll stop posting here.

I'm in a partnership as well

No one surrenders to anyone in this house

I'm struggling to see this as a 'thing' - it just sounds normal to me - I've never tried to control my husband, why would I? I do stuff for myself, I thank him if he does nice things for me, he thanks me if I do nice things for him - what am I missing here?

Just to add Mumsnet chose this name for me when i joined. I notice a few recent members have similar.
I did choose another name but when my registration was complete this default name seems to have been chosen for me.

User don't stop posting. Just change your username.

You have 2 'problems'

1. The topic, which I find interesting and we can have a long and drawn out argument debate about it.

1. You have the automatically generated long number user name... which can be disconcerting when there are 3 or 4 'Users' on any one thread

Just go to My Mumsnet and change it.

I have OP's posts highlighted so their name doesn't really matter.

The Wiki information doesn't really tally with what you are describing OP.

the whole concept is just same old, same old, under a new title

some people want to hand over responsibility for everything to someone else. It's done by both sexes. Some hand over responsibility to a partner or a family member or a religion or a cult. Some flap their hands and claim constant victimhood and never deal with anything themselves - I tend to imagine they will eventually find someone or something who wants to take over their life and live it for them.

I have OP's posts highlighted so their name doesn't really matter. Me too, but I didn't think it worked on mobile!

Not sure I really understand any more from the wikipedia link OP than I did before, i.e. nothing.

So what exactly is the wife surrendering if all she's doing is not trying to 'control' her husband? How does that work in practice?

I don't like the idea of trying to control another adult human being but what does that mean in this context?

My exh felt it was completely reasonable to live like a single man - apart from sex with other women as far as I'm aware - making no concessions to the fact that he had a wife and children, and putting himself and his wishes first. I never tried to control him, it was impossible, but it certainly didn't mean he became loving, romantic and considerate just because he was getting his own way.

On the contrary, he continued in his happy bubble, completely oblivious to the fact that I was deeply unhappy and he had no sort of relationship with his DCs.

In the end, I took control of me and my life, because unless you're some sort of masochist, wanting someone to walk all over you and take away your voice is a recipe for depression and misery.

From my experience, it does seem to be a part of human nature that when people are given absolute control in any situation they will just continue to take advantage of that situation and the people around them. It doesn't turn them into romantics who feel the need to shower love on those around them.

So can you explain how it works to the woman's advantage.

actually I think a lot of people do this without even recognising it or giving it a name so I guess that's something

I get really annoyed when people in their 40s break up with someone and it turns out they can't do "adulting" because they got their partner to do it for them. so while it's alarming that a 25 year has chosen it, I guess it's more likely that if it all goes wrong she will at least know what she doesn't know and will need to learn.

See this has moved on apace since I started typing my post above.

Bit clearer about it now.

Surrendered Wives? Sounds like abused wives to me.

There's a certain type of man that will run with this. I would be very fearful if one of my DDs announced she was going down this route. Sounds nasty.

I think it goes further than not being able to"adult" cos my MIL definitely couldn't adult when her husband died (didn't even have a bank card and had never used a cash point!!!) BUT was so equal in decision making that I wouldn't call her a surrendered wife.

So I think it's a deep need to be passive/avoid a lot of decision making more than anything. For some people I imagine it's a relief - particularly if you are sick of battling a partner who is not inclined to really consult you anyway.

I can see a certain appeal in going "fuck it, I'll try it this way, it may be less stressful"

The problem with the concept is that there is a danger of the Stepford Wife thing where it may suit some guys, but others may find it rather crap. Hence the divorces mentioned above.

Elspeth, I include decision making in "adulting".

I definitely think people get a sense of relief - you hear it in the "oh, I didn't want to go to that place, my wife made me".

When this first came about, I was all "whatever" about it. I took note of the chapter describing abusive relationships and saying that surrender was inappropriate under those conditions. I reckoned it was just another way of describing a popular form of equality between couples.

Then I watched a few of those American Wife Swap programmes, where one of the wives was surrendered. I was horrified, as were the women swapped into those marriages. The wives swapping out of them were highly charmed by the freedoms they found. It was all so grim, I joined a few surrendered wives' forums to see what they talked about. My word, it was depressing!

OP, I'm a few years older than you and ended up with serious issues resulting from my parents' imbalanced relationship. It's not quite the same, though: my dad was a sadistic psychopath and my mum fought back - but always lost, and remained totally adoring of him. It really isn't good for children - especially girl children - to witness their mother adoring their abuser.

None of my friends had surrendered mothers, despite the era!

I'd be concerned for the 25-year-old, because the daily choice to remain submissive does erode confidence and she's liable to lose her capacity for independent thought (as all her thoughts must revolve around her husband.) I'm automatically suspicious of any relationship where this is even mooted - for why would a balanced & equal relationship need to specify the surrender of one partner to the other? If we're talking in terms of surrender, then both partners surrender equally to the other.

The only benign interpretation is that they're actually a dom/sub couple, using the surrender principle as a socially-visible explanation.

My mother was pretty much a 'surrended wife' but the difference was my father adored her anyway. Using her as a role model, I tried that for my marriage. He wasn't the same type of man as my father, so it didn't work. His new wife has turned him into a surrended husband which is baffling.

You've all piqued my interest now, I'll look into this - the wiki list is quite different from what people would expect from the term 'surrendered' I suspect. Doesn't sound like it is meant to be a completely dominant man even if that is what people assume it is, I'd say a Stepford Wife would be more accurate for that - someone who just does what their partner wants.

Has anyone read the Stepford Wives book, I bet it's different to the film

I know quite a few Dom/sub couples but is this something different? The wiki list just looks like respecting your husband rather than controlling them...

Crystal, is it unusual for a surrendered wife to be adored by their husband?

Btw this is a Q&A by the husband of the woman who wrote the book. They're obviously still married.

m.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/3hh2vu/im_john_doyle_husband_of_the_surrendered_wife_ama/

He sounds like a fucking dick, tbh.

Quoting from a pretty crappy Daily Fail article:

The idea of the surrendered wife comes from a book by American Laura Doyle - a former marketing copywriter whose opinions make Ma Walton look like a feminist activist.

It has spawned a whole Surrendered Wives movement which goes far beyond the wildest dreams of your average Stepford Wife. Devotees agree to relinquish all control of their husband's life, allowing him to make all the decisions, never saying 'no' to sex, and finally learning to change themselves and not their men.

The idea is that men can't change - so women are the ones who need a radical re-think in order to preserve romance in marriages.

'Through surrendering, you will find the courage to gradually stop indulging in these unpleasant behaviours and replace them with dignified ones.'

In a conciliatory tone liable to make feminists froth at the mouth, she urges followers to ask: 'Which do I want more: to have control of every situation or to have an intimate marriage?'

The whole thing starts from an assumption that the woman's a control freak - she nags and dictates. Essentially, she does need to change. The other assumption is that our hen-pecked husband's a mild-mannered soul who's really fed up of being dismissed by his shrewish wife.

It's not a philosophy for life, it's marriage guidance for bossy women. Doyle found an unexpected wave of enthusiasm from people (men and christians, perhaps,) who embraced it as a philosophy. So she rode it.

Anything that the Red Pill subreddit thinks is a good thing is going to be a bad thing for women.

So in practice it's not going to be as innocuous as Wikipedia seemingly presented. Wikipedia articles are not always impartial.