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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Surrendered Wife? Any experience?

94 replies

user1471552005 · 27/08/2016 16:28

Just that really.I am interested in how this concept worked for you or if you are a man with a surrendered wife, or if your mother was one.Which was the case for me.
How have things worked for you in the long term? I am not a journalist, I have a personal experience. Just wanted to share with others.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 17:58

The concept of "controlling" the husband is used disingenuously; it actually means things like having expectations about joint finances, childcare split, when to get a new car etc. It means letting him make all the decisions.

Crystaltips196 · 27/08/2016 18:01

Lorelei, I'm not sure, I always think that a man who wants/encourages his wife to be 'surrendered' adores himself a little bit more.

ElspethFlashman · 27/08/2016 18:06

Well on further research it seems that the magic words are "Whatever you think, I trust you".

So the wife basically has zero responsibility, and the husband gets total control. It appears that Laura Doyle has spent the last 20 years saying that phrase. Works for them I guess. Though the husband sounds no prize.

GarlicMistake · 27/08/2016 18:11

Just thinking about how annoying it is when you decide to go out to eat with someone and every time they say "Oh, I don't mind. Where do you want to go?" Then once you're seated, "Whatever you're having, thanks," and "What should I order?" It's nice for your ego once in a while, but it doesn't take long before you want to fish-slap them until they make a choice of their own!

You would have to have a very needy ego to want your whole life to be like that.

OTheHugeManatee · 27/08/2016 18:19

I think if I tried that DH would get pretty worried about my psychological health pretty quickly!

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 18:23

My DH would die of fright if I stopped making decisions.

Lessthanaballpark · 27/08/2016 18:28

There are two main problems with the Surrendered Wife theory IMO:

At times we all need to ask people to change their behaviour. Take for example the most common complaint on Mumsnet: husbands not pulling their weight with the housework. If you have sworn that you will not attempt to control (aka change) him then how will you ask for what is fair in a relationship?

In the days when women submitted to their husbands they had to use their feminine wiles to get results and this earned women the reputation of being manipulative. So that clearly doesn't work for women.

Surrendering to your husband only works if you have a good husband. Your happiness is reliant on their benevolence. If you have the bad luck to end up with a husband who relishes his position of dominance over you or ignores your needs then you're shafted.

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 18:32

Exactly, Less. This is a charter for an unequal marriage, where an existing unhealthy power dynamic is made much worse by the collusion of the woman in her own abuse.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/08/2016 18:37

I know someone who is a bit like this. Does everything in the house, sweet and lovely. Worked well. Until she had to ask for her DHs support in a matter to do with the children. He grumped and argued and eventually point blank refused. She thought they had a lovely marriage until that point because she never actually expected him to do anything except work for a living. It was a horrible shock for her. I don't think he even realizes it changed how she looked at him in a fundamental way.

You have to rely on the man not only being kind and wonderful but also psychic. It's idiocy.

Cocklodger · 27/08/2016 18:49

If DH wants a surrendered wife then he can go and find one after I divorce him.
This is not the 1950's.
I exist to DH as a partner.

TeaPleaseLouise · 27/08/2016 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElspethFlashman · 27/08/2016 18:58

So apparently the author skirts around the housework issue by having a housekeeper, lol.

But she seems to be basically saying you have to 100% trust your partner not to be a selfish dick. So she gave an example where they're heading on a trip in the morning and he thinks they need to leave by 8am and she thinks that's unnecessarily early. But instead of saying that, you have to phrase it like "Hmmm.....I would like to have a lie in toll 7.30...." and then wait and see what he says. If he says it's 8am or nothing, you have to trust in his judgement and alter your time going to bed accordingly. Cos he must have a really good reason for wanting to go at 8, right??? Cos he's got your best interests at heart, right???!

There really does not seem to be a place in her worldview for selfish narcissistic arsholes.

venusinscorpio · 27/08/2016 19:03

Check out the Red Pill where her husband posted his q & a, it's full of such arseholes. There's another subreddit of all the surrendered wives called Red Pill Women.

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 19:09

Elspeth: Or trust him not to just be wrong occasionally. My DH is far from being a dick but he, like me, sometimes miscalculates how long is needed to get somewhere or do something. Sometimes I suggest an alternative, sometimes not. But if I genuinely think we will miss a flight or be late to an event or whatever, I will insist that we leave earlier, as will he if he disagrees strongly enough with me. It is just odd to surrender your own judgement to the extent recommended.

mrschatty · 27/08/2016 19:09

My husband is incapable of making a decision so if we did this it would go round in circles for life...we'd never eat for a start!!
I did consider doing it for a piss take (as was discussed above. I must find this classics thread for a laugh) but it was straight away broken when he just asked me "would you like a beer or shall I open the red wine for us...?"

MadisonMontgomery · 27/08/2016 19:12

It sounds a bit grim. My grandparents were a bit like that - my grandmother never worked, couldn't drive a car, didn't have a bank account or ever got involved in bills etc. They seemed to be blissfully happy, but my grandfather doted on her and they had plenty of money so if she ever wanted anything she could have it. I imagine with a different kind of man it would have been hell for her.

ElspethFlashman · 27/08/2016 19:19

It also sounds bloody exhausting for the bloke. He has to make all the decisions, all the time and if he asks her opinion, she's allowed to give it in a blandly neutral way, but she's supposed to make it clear that she trusts him and he has the final say. I'd be knackered, tbh. How stressful!

She also says it's her responsibility to bring all the fun and joy into the relationship. So being bubbly and light is a big thing. Dancing to the radio and twinkling coquettishly and dragging him up to join in etc.

It sounds like being married to a fucking Labrador.

.....Though I guess at least it's a Labrador who has to open their legs once a week.

mrschatty · 27/08/2016 19:21

elspeth your description actually made me feel a bit sick.
I'd hate that to be my dd role model of both men and women or marriage as a whole

SleepyRoo · 27/08/2016 19:25

Hard to believe that any woman gives this tripe a second's consideration. It's just provocation

NigellasGuest · 27/08/2016 19:27

I think I once read that Kirsty Allsppp was one of them

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 19:29

Elspeth: Married to a Labrador made me laugh!

My DH has been asked many times what attracted him to me, what he still loves about me, etc. (call me insecure but I like to ask him!). He usually says things along the lines of, he likes that I have convictions (not the criminal variety) and that I have opinions. I imagine it would be his idea of hell to be married to someone who nodded at him all the time and basically demonstrated the engagement of a live yoghurt. Naturally, I'm sure he'd like it occasionally if I was less argumentative as well 😅

mrschatty · 27/08/2016 19:29

Nooo nigella really!

mrschatty · 27/08/2016 19:34

So just spoke to my dh about this concept (can you tell this has hit a nerve with me!!?)
Dh said my nagging makes him a better person. I don't like to think I nag but I don't let him get away with Jack shit

RitchyBestingFace · 27/08/2016 19:38

If you can't make decisions or spend money how do you manage in the world? How do you deal with people you meet and transactions you need to make? This has to be done even if you don't WOH.

What happens when you are widowed or divorced? Is there room for surrendered husbands in the ideology or does it not cut both ways?

Iflyaway · 27/08/2016 19:43

Only for wives then.

I'm single (parent) and much happier for it. Having my own autonomy.

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