I've done something really stupid...listen please

[Fraggledup]

I don't know how to link my original post, but OH and I had another blistering argument. I've been on FB and contacted my abusers daughter! She's got a fairly unique name but mines totally unique.

Don't ask me why, I don't know!

I just did it, I made out I was an old neighbour and my mother had died and they were friends. That I wanted to let him know...

He's dead! Am I pleased, am I angry?

I just don't know!
I just don't know!

Meanwhile, I've had rubbish counselling, things are worse between OH and i!

Currently locked I downstairs loo
, do no one can get to me.

Today has been a massively bad day.

Everything is coming back.

Someone please hold my hand

X

No advice, but a hand here and

I'll hand hold!!

I had days like this when I was very anxious. Have you got other stuff going on? What's triggered it?

I had to give my councilling up as it was too much. It literatly sent me over the bloody edge. Is your councilor crap or is it the session content ?

I'm not sure

Are you ok?

I'm not sure of the trigger, building for a few days.

I don't like talking about what's happened, OK anonymously on here is ok. So counselling not good for me,

I feel dreadfully low and unable to cope. X

I'm holding out a hand for you OP.

Who cares what you did ? You have been treated badly it makes us all do odd things and the Internet makes it sooooo easy.

Back in the 90s you'd probably have just ripped up the letter you wrote.

Don't beat yourself up OP.

X

Hand hold too.

From my experience, counselling with the wrong person can be damaging but in the right hands it can work. I hope you're able to get somewhere with it.

I can understand why finding out about your abuser's death is difficult to deal with and confusing.

Is there anyone in RL who you can call on for support?

Also I get the counselling issue - I had PTSD counselling , I just got through, but reliving my attack every week a few times nearly pushed me over the edge. Xx

Hand holding as well.

Councilling wasn't for me either but for others it works great. I tried to do a lot of self healing and working in my self and that helped. I actually had a psychiatrist and she warned it would get painful the deeper we got tbf but in the end it was engulfing me and taking up my thoughts all day resulting in erratic/ unstable mood swings.

How have you left it with your Dp? Has he been supportive?

The reliving thing did my head in, made me feel guilty....just like my h does.

I'm massively scared the daughter will 'smell a rat' and try to contact me. My name is so unique she could find out where I work, I've no intent to upset her, or tell her anything. I just don't know why I did it.

Thank you for the hand holds, you have no idea how much they mean tonight.

X

Try writing it down then burn it.

Nina, if you look at my previous thread(sorry can't link) my h is as much to blame as anyone.

X

You haven't done anything "stupid"

OP
EVen if she did 'smell a rat' I promise you that you won't be the first or last person to do this sort of thing.

Even IF she did investigate, which is really very very unlikely, so what?

You were curious. You regret it . Over.

Don't punish yourself OP XXXX

Have read your previous thread, you can't go on suffering like this and you need specialist help - have you tried this organisation, very well regarded with a great helpline:

napac.org.uk/calling-our-support-line/

What happened with the counselling you had?

Are you still in the toilet? Would you feel a tiny bit better if you made yourself a comforting hot drink, a tiny snack, and tried to get a little sleep? Maybe you can't sleep right now but I do sometimes find that the normalcy of boiling the kettle etc calms me down, and it might work for you too.

Hand You don't know that you've won?! Go gently, but go forward, baby steps. (And that crazy thing you just did - that was REALLY brave - your really brave) Blow me down - I'm inspired by you!

Hand holding.

I am so sorry.

Your feelings are perfectly normal, Fraggles. Your head is liable to be all over the place, at hearing of his death. Don't feel guilty if you feel happy, or cheated because of all the things you wanted to say/do to him, or confused. Your husband will never understand, as he's never been through it, but that's not your problem. Don't expect him to understand. I don't know the background, but hopefully his anger is because he's worried about you and is trying to protect you.

When I heard of my abusers death, I went out to 'celebrate', walked onto a motorway and took an overdose in the back of the police car (escaped the cuffs) and ended up in psychiatric ward. I went through 101 emotions that night.

Hearing of his death will have thrown you and brought up old emotions and memories. Is there anyone you can talk to, even if it's on the phone? I know it's old school, but what about writing down everything that you're feeling/thinking? It doesn't have to make sense or flow. It doesn't matter if it's disjointed or rambling, it's just to get it 'out'. Take care, Fraggled.

Don't worry about the daughter. Just block her and she will probably think nothing of it. She will probably think it's because her father is dead.

Thinking of you.

It's unlikely the daughter will think there's anything else going on - you came up with a good cover story!

Sorry things are so hard with your OH. And that you're having such a bad day. I hope you can manage to get some sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be a better day.

Thank you all for your kind words. I slept on the settee last night , didn't want to be near H.

PP I will look at that recommended counselling.

I'm feeling a bit shell shocked this morning, nervous of what the day will bring.

I don't think I was ever going to try and prosecute my abuser, but now I can't anyway.

Not much looking forward to the long weekend, I function better with routine and less time to think.

X

And also OH not talking to me, but I can live with that. Although makes for a damn miserable weekend!

Morning fraggled, don't worry about the daughter. I remember looking for my abuser on facebook a while back and I can't honestly say what I would have done if I would have found a son or daughter. You just don't know untill you are there (?) As for your abuser - well he will be rotting in hell right now. It must be really weird for you as you have had a 'choice' taken away from you.

I've not read your dp thread yet but will try and catch up later, I'm having new carpets fitted tomoro and my house really needs sorting (been a lazy sod due to being pregnant) so I've begrudgingly gotta make a move.

Don't allow yourself to cave in today. Fight off that feeling, if you can get out for a fast walk - do so as it blows my cobwebs away when I feel like I'm drowning. You will be ok fraggled X