I've done something really stupid...listen please

[Fraggledup]

I don't know how to link my original post, but OH and I had another blistering argument. I've been on FB and contacted my abusers daughter! She's got a fairly unique name but mines totally unique.

Don't ask me why, I don't know!

I just did it, I made out I was an old neighbour and my mother had died and they were friends. That I wanted to let him know...

He's dead! Am I pleased, am I angry?

I just don't know!
I just don't know!

Meanwhile, I've had rubbish counselling, things are worse between OH and i!

Currently locked I downstairs loo
, do no one can get to me.

Today has been a massively bad day.

Everything is coming back.

Someone please hold my hand

X

Another possibility is that his daughter knows exactly what he was capable of and is glad he's dead.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Hey Fraggle
How are you?

One good thing ... You never ever have to see your abuser again in this life. Ever. He's gone, forever !!!

There's probably a little bit of shock there too? The guy that raped me is in prison- I live in fear of him getting out but I don't know how I'd feel if he died. Probably very weirded and upset. I can't possibly know what you're going through but I have a snippet to understand.

Please be kind to yourself Fraggle. Get out in the sunshine today xx

You have done nothing wrong.
Make yourself a little picnic, take a bottle of water and go for a walk.
You are alive, you have come this far, this is a blip. Give your self time to heal.

You are going to be OK.
You are OK

Get yourself another counsellor!
Hugs

I did read your messages earlier and I did manage a walk, the sun was warm and the early evening cool was welcome.

I did feel a little calmer earlier, but now I'm home I massively anxious. I don't want to be hard to his daughter, if she didn't suffer I don't want to know? If she did I'm still not sure I want to know. I am feeling massively I need to deal with my own feelings at the moment.

I'm still not sure if I'm glad or angry. Part of me thinks he died from cancer, did he suffer, did he feel it was retribution?

None of you know how helpful your hand holdings were and are!

I'm sorry that others have suffered, it's a tough road to walk.

I still don't want the daughter to contact me.

X

I doubt very much his daughter will contact you, but block her for your own sake to stop worrying.

If she did suffer at his hands, I doubt very much she would want to contact someone she believes to be his friends daughter.

Equally, if she did not, there would still be no reason to contact you.

I'm sorry you have had a choice taken away from you.

you sound very brave, and I don't think you did anything stupid.

She won't .
I'm eating chocolate orange watching old cold feet - what are you going to do that's nice ? Xx

I don't think she'd contact you ! But block her anyway.
You have done nothing wrong.

Hey Op, sorry this has happened to you. As for getting in touch, sometimes we do what we need to do at the time. Maybe you needed closure and maybe you have got that (a little bit)? And maybe the daughter has known about what happened and knows your name - now she has also been able to have closure (if she does recognise your name) by telling you he is dead. so maybe it was the right thing to do. You did not try to hurt her and I do not think she will contact you. You deserved to know that he is dead. There is no standard way you are expected to feel (angry, glad, etc), it could be a combination of all different ones at all different times), but you just worry about yourself now. Your panic will subside, but think of it as all of those pent up feelings over the years come out of your system now that he is gone. Things will be better after this. Keep talking and hanging on in there.

You have no idea how much your words have helped me. I've no one one in RL to discuss this with. Last night reading your posts did actually feel like my hand was being held. Nina, thank you for keep coming back to check on me!

If you read my previous thread it will explain why I can't discuss with OH. Basically he uses my history against me, I can't risk talking to him about my feelings.

I slept better last night (Friday night wine) which I very much needed. My anxiety had been building for a few days, making sleep difficult.

Now I'm thinking, what if he wasn't dead!!! (I know this is stupid, he is and that's it.) What would I do then? Would I have gone ahead with prosecution? I'd have to had gone ahead alone, it would've been tough and more than likely the end of my marriage. Would I have confronted him and told him how he had ruined my life. Told him all the consequences of abiding a child ?
I had not really thought about the next step when I contacted! His daughter assuming they weren't estranged would more than likely mentioned I'd contacted, maybe I was just trying to scare the shit out of him??

Mydiet I'm writing a list of things I need to do today. I am going to include a picnic that you suggested. I'm also going to make sure I walk for a while. I'm going to sit in a park by a small river, it's a place I've got fond memories of.

I looked at a previous posters link to a counselling site , I will call them and let you know.

Thank you all again.

have a lovely day OP.

Morning fraggled your problem with your OH is a pretty big one lovey. I really don't think he is helping you at all - in fact making the situation worse. Your supposed to trust and lean on your 'better' half. When I met Dh he really put me back together again. I know I should have been able to do that myself but he was

Oh posted too soon !

I should have been able to prop myself up but having a supportive OH really helped me turn a corner. Fraggled you really need to have a serious think about getting rid of him as your getting it from both ends which must be exhausting.

What practices have you got in place for your anxiety? (Other than wine? )

Can you check the death registrar? Is there one, I don't know? Is it open to the public? I can understand why you need 'proof' or to be 100% certain.

None of this is your fault and if she did contact you and start poking about I think I'd be inclined to tell her the truth. To hell with it. As I've got older (and spent to long on MN) I've stopped lying for men's arsehole-ish behavour. You've done nothing wrong fraggle

Put your feet In the river if you can as running water is very good for the refreshing your soul!

I was going to start a new thread, but realise it probably easier to update here.

On a good side no contact from the daughter, I've blocked her but she could just google my real life name and fine me I'm sure. I'll presume she hasn't.

Again you'll need to read my previous post (if anyone can link).

I realise now that my marriage is over, I know I now need to take steps to sort the financial aspects and get new properties etc. A long road ahead and I'll be here asking a 1000 questions I'm sure.

What happened to finally bring me to my senses??

Last night again another row, H told me his true thoughts on what he felt had happened to me. He said he felt that I'd had an "affair" that it had gone wrong and that I was not abused. ( you do need my previous post for explanation) he said "were you raped" I said I was t, he said did you keep seeing him, I said I did. He asked why and I tried to explain how lonely I was. He said that I was a willing partner with no right to complain. He said this was a relationship that went wrong and never mind that I was a child and him an adult I was not abused.

With regard to my uncle he just said why did you take me to visit, why was he at our wedding?

I know I can no longer live with this man, but I feel so dirty and scared and no doubt everyone will find out about what I've done. People will be judging me, he will be telling them his version of events, even though he wasn't there st the time.

I feel quite desperate and actually ended up calling the Samaritans last night. I was so low it seemed a very easy option to end it and stop this pain and misery.

It's no more than I already knew, but I feel so let down by him. So sad that he can't understand my pain and sorrow.

I feel very alone.

Again please hold my hand while I deal with this.

I'll hold your hand and won't judge.

I'm sorry that you've got such an unsupportive partner, but it really doesn't sound like you'll be able to deal with things properly with him around.

Have you got planned today that'll be nice to do? A walk sounds like it's helped you alot before.

Today I feel very strangely calm! I've started my own challenge of waking 10000 steps a day in September. I'm determined to do those steps today!

I'm going to do that, I'm going to make the cakes and dinner I'd planned.

I've looked at available property this morning and worked out the mortgage, it's all doable.

I'm very sad and scared but for some reason I feel calm? I'll keep busy.

I'm sure this feeling won't last forever but I'm going to use it for now.

I will also go to my brothers and ask my sister to come to, I'm going to tell them I'm ending my marriage. I don't feel strong enough to explain why, but I need to put the wheels in motion.

I cannot ever feel the way I did last night again, I was desperate.the sooner I can get away from this man the better.

Please continue to hold my hand.

Calm sounds good, as does meeting up with your brother and sister. And I really like the idea of the 10000 steps, might have to try that myself!

You may not feel it right now but it actually sounds like you're remarkably organised and in control. Well done for taking these brave steps

Keep going - you are doing really well. We are all here for you.

Well I'm still managing the 10000 steps a day, it's tough but it's helpful.

I've decided not to get counselling until we've separated, I just feel I could make 3 steps forward, then he'll give me shit and it'll all be undone!

Stupidly, I agreed to go to a friends birthday party with him tonight, I ended up coming home early, it was excruciating !

He's currently begging for another chance.....but I've heard it all before. He's lost about half a stone in the last week,but as I keep saying it didn't need to get to this point, did it???

Please again give me a hand hold! I want him to stop begging, he's doing my head in! X

The minute he said it was an affair and not abuse, he lost any rights to any chances, OP. He's not going to change his mind about the abuse you went through, but thinks you should stay in the marriage? Fuck that! You're a very strong person, OP, or you would not have made it this far. I'm glad you're taking control and wish you all the best for your future.

If he tries to tell his version of events, he is going to get the biggest comeuppance of his life.

He will go from begging to cold or threatening. It's fairly predictable.

I lurked on your previous thread.
and lots of good wishes from me.

I think you will find life will be mentally so much easier without your husband.Good luck you deserve it!

How you doing fraggle? Are you ok?

I'm not too good today, he's got really nasty as a PP said. He's raced off in the car telling me that I'm going to be the cause of him throwing himself off a bridge.

I'm scared and I feel awful,

I wish we could be living in separate houses, I'm not sure how to get through this.

When I bring up moving forward in separating he just goes mental at me.

He's saying he didn't use the word affair in the context I took it. But added to everything else, it makes sense that he did. Why use that word? Why not use the word "abuse". He said so how long did this affair go on for, not how long did you suffer the abuse?

Today is a very low, bad day.

nighterwanderer you are so right!