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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My fucking mother...

36 replies

Motherslayer · 25/08/2016 22:36

...is trying to substitute me with MY OWN children and I'm fucking angry about it. She left me with an abusive df when I was a little child with the inevitable consequences. I now know she's a bit of a narc. I cut her off dead many years ago now after many hurtful things & never gave her another thought. I always told my dc the truth about the situation with no embellishment so nothing could bite me in the arse as years move on. She's written to me twice for the first time this year. I didn't respond because I was thinking it over. So now she's tried contacting my dc on FB & they didn't respond. She got other family members to try contacting my dc through FB and now my dc are wondering if they should listen to what the relatives have to say? Her latest wheeze is to use step-relatives to make contact. People my dc have never ever met. It's pissing me off that because I didn't respond, she's now going direct to my dc. I feel if they open up dialogue with her, she'll just replace me with them & carry on merrily. This makes me really angry. Am I being U? What should I do?

OP posts:
jayho · 25/08/2016 22:39

how old are dc?

IzzyIsBusy · 25/08/2016 22:40

Block her and those reletives from your childrens fb.

Original poster
Motherslayer · 25/08/2016 22:42

my dc are 17 & 19 so I can't tether them anymore. They make take up the offer of contact and it will pain me greatly if they do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherslayer · 25/08/2016 22:45

I feel like my dc belong to ME so she should butt out. She threw her own away. It galls me that she could have a rosey future with my dc and I'm left holding the pain.

OP posts:
overthehillandroundthemountain · 25/08/2016 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineyReborn · 25/08/2016 22:47

I think you need to respond to her simply to say, go away and stop bothering me and other people about this. One fair, clear warning.

HappydaysArehere · 25/08/2016 22:47

You are obviously badly hurt and old sores are easily reopened. I can only offer my first response which is to urge you not to beat yourself up any more than you have to. You have suffered enough. Have you got anyone who is close to you that you can talk this over with? I am sorry I have nothing to offer but am so sympathetic.

Original poster
Motherslayer · 25/08/2016 22:48

My oldest dc is thinking of listening to what they have to say.

OP posts:
jayho · 25/08/2016 22:50

agree with over my mother is similar, tried contacting my sister's adult DC in similar way, they understood their mum's wishes and did not engage.

However, if they do, try to understand, there is curiosity about family and where we come from, it doesn't necessarily show any sort of allegiance or connection, they may just be curious.

Original poster
Motherslayer · 25/08/2016 22:53

I am in therapy now and am starting to realise just how appalling her parenting was. She tied me to the cot as a toddler. Left me with a man who beat me senseless, raped and starved me repeatedly. Told me my wedding day was the worst day of her life. Told me I'd be fat when I grew up, told me it wasn't 'real' to be happy at work & all sorts of other shit. I think she's pushing contact either for help in old age or to clear the shame she feels in her family & with her friends that I've cut her off.

OP posts:
wonderwoo · 25/08/2016 22:54

Hi OP. I don't have any advice I am afraid. But this worries me too, as I am NC with my mother and I know she will try and connect with my dc when they are older.

There is nothing you can do about what she or other family members do. You have no control over their behaviour. I certainly would not be tempted to get into contact with her over this.

What if you spoke further to your children about her? You would have to tread very carefully of course, because they will not want to feel manipulated or like they cannot be involved with family for reasons that are yours and not theirs (I am not suggesting for a.minute that you would do either, just trying to see things from dc potential point of view). I think all you can do is be honest with them about why you are NC, and what your worries are for them. At the end of the day, they will have to make up their own minds as they become adults about whether to stay NC themselves. As painful as that is for you (the thought of my dc being in contact with my mother makes me feel sick). How old are your dc?

Original poster
Motherslayer · 25/08/2016 22:55

It feels the ultimate betrayal for her to now 'steal' my kids

OP posts:
wonderwoo · 25/08/2016 22:55

Sorry, crossed messages... I took ages to type that.

Original poster
Motherslayer · 25/08/2016 22:56

17 & 19

OP posts:
jayho · 25/08/2016 23:02

do your children know the detail?

wonderwoo · 25/08/2016 23:02

It's important that they know all the information you can give them and understand all the hurt and pain she has caused. They are likely to want nothing to do with her, but I agree with a PP, that if there is any contact, try to remember that it is out of curiosity for their family. You won't lose your dc to her.

You have suffered such a lot, i am sorry this happening.

wonderwoo · 25/08/2016 23:06

As to whether you tell your dc that they should not contact her or that it is their decision whether to do so... I think that depends on the personalities of your dc, and what your relationship with them is like. I would worry that to tell them not to could backfire. It would be much better if they could come to that conclusion themselves.

jayho · 25/08/2016 23:07

I think that they are of an age when you can be open with them but this may be very difficult for you, you've clearly raised good children who are not blinkered and you have not alienated them to your birth mother as they feel it may be appropriate to have contact with her. however difficult it may be for you, you might have to open up to them about what happened to you in childhood so that they understand your feelings.

Original poster
Motherslayer · 25/08/2016 23:08

yes they know everything about her & my upbringing. If they choose to have contact, how do I cope with the pain?

OP posts:
jayho · 25/08/2016 23:09

and I'm so sorry this happened to you

jayho · 25/08/2016 23:16

look, children are curious, it does not mean they deny your pain. however, to my mind, you are fully justified in explaining to them the pain their contact will cause and why. They're adults.

Joysmum · 25/08/2016 23:25

My mum was open with me about her mother. Her mother got in touch with me via letter through my dad. My dad told my mum (they were divorced but best mates) and me. My mum told me it was my choice. I had no room for this mentally ill woman in my life as I knew I could let her down by not wanting to be a part of her life as well as knowing the shot she put my mum through.

Ironically my mum did make peace with her mother (and found some peace herself in seeing her for the mentally ill old woman she was) before she died but I never met her, I was curious but never felt the need to.

forumdonkey · 25/08/2016 23:54

They make take up the offer of contact and it will pain me greatly if they do.

OP those words touched me, tell your DC‘s this ^ They are old enough to know all the details. Do you tell them how it affects you still and how you feel? Due to the circumstances I don't think it is unreasonable to ask them to not continue contact for the sake of you and how you feel.

doji · 26/08/2016 02:21

OP, your children are young adults, but are still not fully emotionally mature. Be glad that you gave them a good childhood so that they cannot grasp how much our parents can truly hurt us and how deep your pain goes.

If they do choose to meet your mother, this doesn't mean they don't love you, or care for you, they are just fulfilling a need to understand who they are and where they come from. Its not about you, much as it may feel like it is. Whatever you do, don't push them away, or direct your anger at your mother at them, as this may bring about the outcome you so fear, by pushing them away and damaging your relationship.

Tell them you love them, that you would be hurt if they did decide to meet her, but that you will never force them to choose between you.

She cannot steal your children, you are their mother and they love you. Trust them that they are old enough and smart enough to see her for what she is and that once their curiosity is satisfied they will probably never see her again.

MiaowJario · 26/08/2016 02:42

It's horrible you've been through all that.

I don't think that you are being U at all.

A (male) school friend of mine went through similar childhood experiences with his mother, and was understandably NC. When he heard via friends/relatives that she was attempting to become a foster parent (in a different city), he felt he had to take action to prevent (already vulnerable) children from harm.

He immediately drove four hours to the council offices in that city and asked to see someone urgently, said he would wait as long as it took.

Whilst he was waiting he wrote a bullet point account of what had happened to him and his siblings. He said bullet points helped him put in in as detached and brief a way as possible.

And he did see someone, and they did read his account. And they checked the records under his mum's previous name in s different council and she was not allowed to foster.

I relate that account because I think it might be an idea to a) write down what your children may need to know and b) get someone else to at least look at it. It would be better if someone (counsellor, friend) could be more involved in helping you communicate what happened to you.

It will still be their decision, but I think it would've best for them if it was an informed decision. I also think you need help in formulating and delivering that information to them in a way that is both truthful and least damaging to them.

She won't be able to steal your children. Flowers