My fucking mother...

[Motherslayer]

...is trying to substitute me with MY OWN children and I'm fucking angry about it. She left me with an abusive df when I was a little child with the inevitable consequences. I now know she's a bit of a narc. I cut her off dead many years ago now after many hurtful things & never gave her another thought. I always told my dc the truth about the situation with no embellishment so nothing could bite me in the arse as years move on. She's written to me twice for the first time this year. I didn't respond because I was thinking it over. So now she's tried contacting my dc on FB & they didn't respond. She got other family members to try contacting my dc through FB and now my dc are wondering if they should listen to what the relatives have to say? Her latest wheeze is to use step-relatives to make contact. People my dc have never ever met. It's pissing me off that because I didn't respond, she's now going direct to my dc. I feel if they open up dialogue with her, she'll just replace me with them & carry on merrily. This makes me really angry. Am I being U? What should I do?

OP you have a 2 choices here - Step back, knowing you have laid bare the facts for them, and that's it.
Or try to control events (you won't succeed) and it'll get a whole lot messier.
IMO doing the stepping back will see them eventually grow wise to your shitstain-of-a-mother (They are not defenceless babies, like you were - so take comfort that they are not victims, and will most likely reject her eventually) In the unlikely event that she has reformed, again, the children are in no danger, and are of an age when they seek out their own age group for the majority of their time, anyway. It'll be tough - but imagine for a moment how you will feel when they do realise her true character. And I'm betting they will, and soon. CBT might also help you to role play the scenario out, desensitizing U to the raw mental sores?

I have a friend whose mother was NC with her own father. Friend got to her teens and asked her mother about her grandfather, and persuaded her mum to get back in touch, which she did (against her better judgement). Didn't take long for friend to realise her mistake, but yes, once that can of worms was opened, it was a very difficult task to contain it all again! She regretted asking her mum to do it.

And that was nothing like as bad a situation as your mother put you through.

You say your children know all about the abuse - all about what your mother did to you. Maybe they want to ask her why, how she could do that? Maybe, if they're lovely children, they absolutely cannot understand how anyone COULD do that to their child, so want to take her to task over it.

But. Yes, again, once that can of worms is opened...

You've been very open with them so far. Tell them that any rapport between them and your "mother" would hurt you, feel like a betrayal, cause you pain. And then tell them that you would understand if they still felt the need to be curious and contact her. You will still love them (of course you will!) despite your pain. Tell them as well that you do NOT want to hear anything about her, AT ALL.

Totally understand your feelings over this though, totally. Just trust your children to be the people you have brought them up to be x

Two things I'd like to share with you; firstly my mother is a social worker in the childrens team! How ironic is that? The woman who didn't care for her own kids has power over other people and theirs! Secondly, we have no other family. My dc are in the unfortunate position of losing every single family member except me & their dad (we're divorced, he has a personality disorder) They have no extended family. So having my 'd'm come out of the woodwork looks appealing to them.

Their own father is the same and they understand the toxic relationship it creates but I think when you're young, these things just don't mean anything until you've actually experienced it yourself.

It's quite scary how many sadistic people end up in positions where they have power over others whilst pretending to care.

Explains a lot about what goes on in "the system". Some social workers I knew socially said most social workers are desperate not to work in Children and Families because of the pressure/insane workload/high stakes/depressing hopelessness of it all. So it would be easier for someone with a bad attitude to children to work there than someone with genuine good motives.

Explains a lot about what goes on in "the system". Some social workers I knew socially said most social workers are desperate not to work in Children and Families because of the pressure/insane workload/high stakes/depressing hopelessness of it all. So it would be easier for someone with a bad attitude to children to work there than someone with genuine good motives

I'm a children's social worker and that's really not true

Are you sure they aren't going to let her get in contact to give her a piece of their mind. Happened to me, have a horribly abusive father who dropped me like a stone when I was a child and treated my mother appallingly. When I was in my 20's he tried to get in touch, I ignored him. He then got relatives to get in touch (facebook is awful as this can happen). I relented and used it as a chance to tell him exactly what an awful pig he was and if he ever got in touch again I would go out my way to tell his precious friends and his church group exactly what he was like. Silence has been golden for over a decade.

I don't really have any advice, but I do fear this situation arising for us in the future (in fact MIL has already attempted FB friending DD).

As you're currently in therapy, would it be a good idea to run this past your counsellor? Even if it's just to find a way to deal with your fear of what might happen (I don't believe for a moment that your kids will choose her over you BTW).

Have you discussed 'flying monkeys' with your children (people who are sent in with messages from your mum). Chances are, they are doing it because it gets her off their backs rather than any genuine care about the situation. It might be worth saying that these people (who don't even know your children!) will have their own agenda and chances are, they care far more about your DM's interests than your kid's wellbeing.

Were the police ever involved? How did she get such a job at all? My mother tried to contact my dc against my wishes years ago and I left her a voice mail saying I was contacting a solicitor but my kids were younger. Ask your dc what they hope to achieve by having anything to do with her. Give yourself credit that you have raiaed such children as to be able to see through such a demon. Maybe they just want to put a face to her to give them some sort of closure.