My fucking mother...

[Motherslayer]

...is trying to substitute me with MY OWN children and I'm fucking angry about it. She left me with an abusive df when I was a little child with the inevitable consequences. I now know she's a bit of a narc. I cut her off dead many years ago now after many hurtful things & never gave her another thought. I always told my dc the truth about the situation with no embellishment so nothing could bite me in the arse as years move on. She's written to me twice for the first time this year. I didn't respond because I was thinking it over. So now she's tried contacting my dc on FB & they didn't respond. She got other family members to try contacting my dc through FB and now my dc are wondering if they should listen to what the relatives have to say? Her latest wheeze is to use step-relatives to make contact. People my dc have never ever met. It's pissing me off that because I didn't respond, she's now going direct to my dc. I feel if they open up dialogue with her, she'll just replace me with them & carry on merrily. This makes me really angry. Am I being U? What should I do?

[Missgraeme]

Were the police ever involved? How did she get such a job at all? My mother tried to contact my dc against my wishes years ago and I left her a voice mail saying I was contacting a solicitor but my kids were younger. Ask your dc what they hope to achieve by having anything to do with her. Give yourself credit that you have raiaed such children as to be able to see through such a demon. Maybe they just want to put a face to her to give them some sort of closure.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

I don't really have any advice, but I do fear this situation arising for us in the future (in fact MIL has already attempted FB friending DD).

As you're currently in therapy, would it be a good idea to run this past your counsellor? Even if it's just to find a way to deal with your fear of what might happen (I don't believe for a moment that your kids will choose her over you BTW).

Have you discussed 'flying monkeys' with your children (people who are sent in with messages from your mum). Chances are, they are doing it because it gets her off their backs rather than any genuine care about the situation. It might be worth saying that these people (who don't even know your children!) will have their own agenda and chances are, they care far more about your DM's interests than your kid's wellbeing.

[Crazycatladyloz82]

Are you sure they aren't going to let her get in contact to give her a piece of their mind. Happened to me, have a horribly abusive father who dropped me like a stone when I was a child and treated my mother appallingly. When I was in my 20's he tried to get in touch, I ignored him. He then got relatives to get in touch (facebook is awful as this can happen). I relented and used it as a chance to tell him exactly what an awful pig he was and if he ever got in touch again I would go out my way to tell his precious friends and his church group exactly what he was like. Silence has been golden for over a decade.

[BroomhildaVonShaft]

Explains a lot about what goes on in "the system". Some social workers I knew socially said most social workers are desperate not to work in Children and Families because of the pressure/insane workload/high stakes/depressing hopelessness of it all. So it would be easier for someone with a bad attitude to children to work there than someone with genuine good motives

I'm a children's social worker and that's really not true

[MiaowJario]

Explains a lot about what goes on in "the system". Some social workers I knew socially said most social workers are desperate not to work in Children and Families because of the pressure/insane workload/high stakes/depressing hopelessness of it all. So it would be easier for someone with a bad attitude to children to work there than someone with genuine good motives.

[LineyReborn]

It's quite scary how many sadistic people end up in positions where they have power over others whilst pretending to care.

[Motherslayer]

Their own father is the same and they understand the toxic relationship it creates but I think when you're young, these things just don't mean anything until you've actually experienced it yourself.

[Motherslayer]

Two things I'd like to share with you; firstly my mother is a social worker in the childrens team! How ironic is that? The woman who didn't care for her own kids has power over other people and theirs! Secondly, we have no other family. My dc are in the unfortunate position of losing every single family member except me & their dad (we're divorced, he has a personality disorder) They have no extended family. So having my 'd'm come out of the woodwork looks appealing to them.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I have a friend whose mother was NC with her own father. Friend got to her teens and asked her mother about her grandfather, and persuaded her mum to get back in touch, which she did (against her better judgement). Didn't take long for friend to realise her mistake, but yes, once that can of worms was opened, it was a very difficult task to contain it all again! She regretted asking her mum to do it.

And that was nothing like as bad a situation as your mother put you through.

You say your children know all about the abuse - all about what your mother did to you. Maybe they want to ask her why, how she could do that? Maybe, if they're lovely children, they absolutely cannot understand how anyone COULD do that to their child, so want to take her to task over it.

But. Yes, again, once that can of worms is opened...

You've been very open with them so far. Tell them that any rapport between them and your "mother" would hurt you, feel like a betrayal, cause you pain. And then tell them that you would understand if they still felt the need to be curious and contact her. You will still love them (of course you will!) despite your pain. Tell them as well that you do NOT want to hear anything about her, AT ALL.

Totally understand your feelings over this though, totally. Just trust your children to be the people you have brought them up to be x

[mumsmyothername]

OP you have a 2 choices here - Step back, knowing you have laid bare the facts for them, and that's it.
Or try to control events (you won't succeed) and it'll get a whole lot messier.
IMO doing the stepping back will see them eventually grow wise to your shitstain-of-a-mother (They are not defenceless babies, like you were - so take comfort that they are not victims, and will most likely reject her eventually) In the unlikely event that she has reformed, again, the children are in no danger, and are of an age when they seek out their own age group for the majority of their time, anyway. It'll be tough - but imagine for a moment how you will feel when they do realise her true character. And I'm betting they will, and soon. CBT might also help you to role play the scenario out, desensitizing U to the raw mental sores?

[MiaowJario]

It's horrible you've been through all that.

I don't think that you are being U at all.

A (male) school friend of mine went through similar childhood experiences with his mother, and was understandably NC. When he heard via friends/relatives that she was attempting to become a foster parent (in a different city), he felt he had to take action to prevent (already vulnerable) children from harm.

He immediately drove four hours to the council offices in that city and asked to see someone urgently, said he would wait as long as it took.

Whilst he was waiting he wrote a bullet point account of what had happened to him and his siblings. He said bullet points helped him put in in as detached and brief a way as possible.

And he did see someone, and they did read his account. And they checked the records under his mum's previous name in s different council and she was not allowed to foster.

I relate that account because I think it might be an idea to a) write down what your children may need to know and b) get someone else to at least look at it. It would be better if someone (counsellor, friend) could be more involved in helping you communicate what happened to you.

It will still be their decision, but I think it would've best for them if it was an informed decision. I also think you need help in formulating and delivering that information to them in a way that is both truthful and least damaging to them.

She won't be able to steal your children.

[doji]

OP, your children are young adults, but are still not fully emotionally mature. Be glad that you gave them a good childhood so that they cannot grasp how much our parents can truly hurt us and how deep your pain goes.

If they do choose to meet your mother, this doesn't mean they don't love you, or care for you, they are just fulfilling a need to understand who they are and where they come from. Its not about you, much as it may feel like it is. Whatever you do, don't push them away, or direct your anger at your mother at them, as this may bring about the outcome you so fear, by pushing them away and damaging your relationship.

Tell them you love them, that you would be hurt if they did decide to meet her, but that you will never force them to choose between you.

She cannot steal your children, you are their mother and they love you. Trust them that they are old enough and smart enough to see her for what she is and that once their curiosity is satisfied they will probably never see her again.

[forumdonkey]

They make take up the offer of contact and it will pain me greatly if they do.

OP those words touched me, tell your DC‘s this ^ They are old enough to know all the details. Do you tell them how it affects you still and how you feel? Due to the circumstances I don't think it is unreasonable to ask them to not continue contact for the sake of you and how you feel.

[Joysmum]

My mum was open with me about her mother. Her mother got in touch with me via letter through my dad. My dad told my mum (they were divorced but best mates) and me. My mum told me it was my choice. I had no room for this mentally ill woman in my life as I knew I could let her down by not wanting to be a part of her life as well as knowing the shot she put my mum through.

Ironically my mum did make peace with her mother (and found some peace herself in seeing her for the mentally ill old woman she was) before she died but I never met her, I was curious but never felt the need to.

[jayho]

look, children are curious, it does not mean they deny your pain. however, to my mind, you are fully justified in explaining to them the pain their contact will cause and why. They're adults.

[jayho]

and I'm so sorry this happened to you

[Motherslayer]

yes they know everything about her & my upbringing. If they choose to have contact, how do I cope with the pain?

[jayho]

I think that they are of an age when you can be open with them but this may be very difficult for you, you've clearly raised good children who are not blinkered and you have not alienated them to your birth mother as they feel it may be appropriate to have contact with her. however difficult it may be for you, you might have to open up to them about what happened to you in childhood so that they understand your feelings.

[wonderwoo]

As to whether you tell your dc that they should not contact her or that it is their decision whether to do so... I think that depends on the personalities of your dc, and what your relationship with them is like. I would worry that to tell them not to could backfire. It would be much better if they could come to that conclusion themselves.

[wonderwoo]

It's important that they know all the information you can give them and understand all the hurt and pain she has caused. They are likely to want nothing to do with her, but I agree with a PP, that if there is any contact, try to remember that it is out of curiosity for their family. You won't lose your dc to her.

You have suffered such a lot, i am sorry this happening.

[jayho]

do your children know the detail?

[Motherslayer]

17 & 19

[wonderwoo]

Sorry, crossed messages... I took ages to type that.

[Motherslayer]

It feels the ultimate betrayal for her to now 'steal' my kids