hi all, thanks for taking the time to respond. obviously i've not been able to give the full story above, so much more than can be described!
this will be long (apologies in advance) - but i tried to answer each of you in more detail.
in any case, i'll make clear that I did not say i believed his claim of no physical contact - that's his story. Also, we are not what I would call reconciled - we are cohabiting, mostly because of DS and the fact that we were already in the middle of a cross country move when I found out. I'd say we are in limbo while I decide what I want to do long term. he does say he wants to try and work it out and seems sincere on that end.
Mercenary as it is, I'm not going to jump into single motherhood and a potentially much more difficult life without a lot of serious thought. I am somewhat more of a pragmatic/rational type person, less on the emotion (not that i don't feel, more that i rely on logic rather than feelings).
Thoughts I have about the possible outcomes are:
- we stay together and try and work things out with therapy etc.
- we stay in this location but separate. Unfortunately makes my life awkward as ALL my friends are wives of his colleagues (we're all trailing spouses), or potential immigration issues.
- we separate but I leave the country. couple of options. Return to UK where I have a little bit of family and some very good friends, but no real support system (housing, jobs etc), and also f*ing Brexit. Return to country where we were before the move to the US - have some family there, and some support, and right to work. Return to previous country and PhD - but also very awkward because all the professors and staff knew DH and were invited to our wedding/gave gifts/gave gifts for DS etc.
- also have a very old dog who gets very sick every time we move, so don't know if he can handle another one :(
I can see pitfalls and difficulties in every single option which is why I've not made much movement in any direction except taking it easy and "enjoying" while i can, what quality of life i've got now.
magoria - you are right, I should have been looking into more concrete details of what to expect. It was definitely complicated by the fact that we moved cross country and different states have different laws. I'm correcting that now. Counselling has been going somewhat better since he started going regularly - it's when we try and communicate at home that things go to hell. and yes, the DC birthday thing (combined with his poor parenthood previously) was almost the end, but on the other hand, he has vastly vastly improved his parenting.
WombsOfOnesOwn and MoonStar07 - i didn't say i believed him nothing physical happened. in terms of the OW - there is the complicating factor that if I did contact her and she was either annoyed because she was guilty or because she was surprised because he's telling the truth and she had no idea, then there are career implications. Again, maybe mercenary, maybe too nice, but I'm not planning on jeopardizing his job, and our only current source of income right now. not only that, i actually can believe it could be plausible as i know her cultural background - some people don't see when they've stepped far over boundaries. Also I'm 90% + sure there's been no personal type contact, only work contact since, which has also been helped by the fact that we moved 1500 miles away. great idea to try and find a lawyer who does both family and immigration law - wonder how common that is here?
Anchor - We're in the US and my son is a US citizen, but the anchor baby thing only comes into play in terms of I don't believe I would be deported if I overstayed my visa, but I wouldn't have any legal rights to work, have benefits, etc. I'm on a spouse visa, which to my mind means if we split I'm not longer a spouse so the visa no longer applies. Again I need to get on and talk to an immigration lawyer.
Husky - according to him, OW has travelled with other MM colleagues on other business trips also. I know DH has also done side trips with male colleagues on business trips also (I've seen pictures). Honestly, with her cultural background, I can actually see her not having the social skills to know that it's not ok, and thinking that they make safe traveling companions.
mumofthemonsters - sadly, not wealthy businessman, just decently well off. he's only 5 years into his career. while in general we do have it pretty good and it does sound glamorous and fun, it really isn't - getting moved every 2-3 years was not what i had planned for my life or career. the company is very good about trying to provide support, but the life of a trailing spouse is not to be envied by any means. perhaps if he were management/upper management, there'd be a more glamorous lifestyle, but at our level, it's essentially normal only we're in another country. On this last move, our DS was old enough to realize he was losing his home, and his friends - that will only get worse as he gets older (speaking from personal experience from moving a lot as a child). And I also have had to start over again each time finding new friends and support in new places that have a totally different culture, and moving even further away from any family. Luckily this last move was slightly easier on the friends front because many of us moved together but if i hadn't had that, i'd be completely isolated here.
Odfod: Why are you with him? - good question! He's not an awful person other than this. Maybe not the best, but neither am I truthfully. We had some very good times together before this and our DS really really loves him. Now that all this crap has come out, I'm still here because of all the possibilities that whir around in my head that I can't quite decide which one is the best. No matter what your initial gut reaction is to something like this, and I think especially when children are involved, there are always factors to consider that you would never have thought previously. I'll admit, I always thought this kind of thing was an immediate dealbreaker. If we didn't have a DS, it would have made it much easier to be gone as soon as it found out. Having a DS made me stop to think about all the outcomes. I don't believe anyone this happened to would jump into single motherhood just like that without putting thought into the consequences.
winkywinkola - I'm sorry I didn't make clear that he is trying, just isn't always able to be consistent in his efforts. He's been very consistent in improving his parenting and relationship with DS. Not so consistent in showing he's changed in our relationship - sometimes does well, other times says stuff that makes me think he's no idea what he's done wrong. But therapist has noted he is not a good communicator, gets stuck on a single idea and finds it difficult to shift, but that he has been slowly slowly improving, etc etc. I'd agree also that he finds it very hard to be genuine about emotional stuff, and finds it hard to put himself in my shoes and truly understand what he's done to our relationship and even to my relationships with the people around us.
springydaffs - unfortunately from what i've been able to glean, aside from common marital property, there is no spousal support in this state, only a minimal amount of child support. Fortunately, we are not in a bad position financially at all - I could get by for probably a couple of years with DS without a job if I scrimped a bit. And not to worry, money was moved the week i found out... half is untouchable.
runrabbit - thanks for your very thoughtful post. i've got a call in to a lawyer to get more specific info re: separation/immigration. i think the market here is different - it is not friendly at all to women who have taken breaks to be mothers. So although i was in a phd, because there has been such a large gap, it won't be easy to get my foot in the door. also, doesn't help that i don't have any professional experience in my research area. my previous work experience was unrelated, but now i'm likely overqualified for that. luckily, as i mentioned above, we've enough financial stability that i can hang in for a long while while i look. i wouldn't plan your future based on his deep need to bond with his child" - this is one area in which he has vastly improved and actually does have a much deeper bond with DS... so it is more of a consideration now. DH job quitting - that's been made clear to him both by me and therapist that unless he has a course of action plotted after, it's completely unacceptable to remove the only source of income for our family. it's also a sign that he's still incapable of thinking through his actions and the consequences.