First time poster on here - have been reading lots of posts last year or so, and now looking for thoughts, maybe not advice per se.
Also, apologize in advance if this gets a bit long, it's a complicated situation.
Last year, I found out DH was having at the very least an emotional affair while he was on a business trip with a work colleague and missed our DS' 2nd birthday. Turned out actually it had been going on since before our DS was 1 and maybe even longer than that. He worked in location A and she in location B - so when he travelled to B, he would always see her for dinner at least. Several overseas business trips - Europe, Asia, etc, where it turned out he was spending all his spare time with her outside of work meetings. Plus the last trip when I found out - the work meeting was all of two days - he spent almost two full weeks with her jaunting around Europe in different locations, and in fact changed his original dates to extend so that he would purposefully miss our DS 2nd birthday.
According to him, he swears no physical stuff happened, OW had no idea he thought of her as more than friends, and that she just likes to travel with other married male colleagues. I've never met her, despite having been with him on business trips to her location, and actually being in some of the European cities at the same time as her (Paris, unknown to me he was with her in Paris for a day or two before I got there with DS to meet up with him). So find it hard to believe that some OW would think it's ok to go on trips with a married colleague without even thinking about if the wife knows or ever meeting the wife, etc etc, plus the implausibility of it all in general.
Some other stuff - we're on expat assignment, had just signed a contract to buy our first house and a cross-country move due to his job when I found out. I couldn't see an easy way to get out of the contract as he admitted who he was with two days after the option period expired and we were already committed to the move so we ended up buying the house. I'm on a visa where I could work but a) we've been moving every 2-3 years and until recently I've been SAHM with our now 3 year old, and b) I've no idea what happens to my immigration status if we separate. His family have no idea what's happened but must have picked up some vibes. If I leave I'd potentially have to leave the country, and also have been out of work for over 3 years (essentially quit my Phd) due to having DS and being a trailing spouse following DH for his job, so don't even know if I could get a decent job anymore. Also that means DS would be far away from his dad since it'd be two different countries... DH has said he would quit his job if we left, except as the sole current income of our family, that's not exactly helpful either.
We've been going to counseling - took 8 months before he finally got sorted to actually go regularly as opposed to once every few months. Sometimes I think we're making progress, then other times, feel like we've made none. Examples: found out 4 months after original d-day, that he was still working with this OW, even though he told me he was no contact. Found out couple of weeks ago, that his big trip with her last year actually had yet another country involved and only because I accidentally came across a souvenir (I was looking for something I'd lost), and he tried to tell me that first off he already had told me when I knew he hadn't, and second that it wasn't a big deal. Also found out he may have screwed the pooch at work too, as his most likely career path would take him back to being under direct supervision of the OW!
He's definitely improved his parenting, no doubts there, but more and more feeling like reconciliation for us as a couple isn't possible by this point. He is kind of trying at home to contribute more (cleaning up after himself, etc), but I feel like that's just coming up to a minimum standard that I should have held him to before all this came out. (Example: cleaning his own p*ss off the floor). And all I get in counseling is - can't you see I'm trying, or don't you think i'm trying, which just makes me feel like I'm the bad guy for nagging him to actually follow through and do what he says he's going to do.
I feel like I'm starting to ramble, but just so much sh*t going on at once, it's hard to distil the salient points. Any thoughts/ideas welcome...