why doesn't it bother me my husband uses escorts?

[wildsummerflowers]

is it possible for a relationship to be good and for the sex side of things just to be separate? It really genuinely doesn't bother me but it should. I feel people would be horrified if they knew.

I think it's the fact that the OP doesn't feel bothered that is bothering her, iyswim, Just

But, actually, yes, I do SWYM

Just because you can't feel anything OP, it doesn't mean you should allow it to happen. You know the difference between right and wrong, you don't need to feel anything for that, you need Rape Crisis for help I think.

I think the person who said disassociation was right actually.

I think you're not bothered because you don't fulfill his needs in that area.

I read something similar, except the husband had a woman he goes to about 3 times a month. His wife has never had sex with him following the trauma of being gang raped by an Ex BF and his friends.

But the difference is it does bother her,even though she knows he has needs that she can't meet.

OP - Do you find the thought of him with OW erotic? Some women do.

How did all this actually start? Did he seek permission to begin with?

Some of the replies you've had are atrocious and uncalled for.

It really does take all sorts to make the world go round. Not everybody's marriage falls with a standard norm. A hell of a lot of people live with a lot of compromises. For some people, their DH getting sex elsewhere genuinely doesn't bother them. As long as they're happy, why the judgement? After all, monogamy is not a guaranteed passport to a happy marriage either. Nothing is.

Not my cup of tea. But not new under any sun.

However, if it does start becoming an issue for you OP, then by all means walk. If you need to explore your feelings through counselling to clarify your thoughts and feelings and reconcile any previous trauma's then by all means do it. But do it because you want to. Not because society says you're abnormal. Lots of people have your arrangement. They're just not as candid about it.

Antique, do you genuinely think that a man renting a woman's vagina is no big deal, just a variation in preference?

"It wasn't easy," but you're perfectly fine with it and you feel nothing?

Feeling nothing isn't a sign you're okay with something. It's a sign that you're blanking out your own emotions. You know this is wrong.

If something doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother you. Why do you want it to bother you?

I would be bothered if Dp was paying for sex.

I wouldn't be bothered if he was meeting up with random women online for a no strings one off type thing. It's just not important to me. I would be all sorts of upset if he lied about it though

I think on some level you are being hurt by this, hence posting here. But that much of the time you are so used to blocking this kind of distress, as your safety mechanism, that you simply shut off. I think you really need some real life help with this OP, you sound sad and defeated- unsurprisingly after everything you have been through. Re the relationship- Personally I could not accept this in a relationship, it would be the end. Repeated unfaithfulness would be bad enough but I would not even continue a friendship with a man who used prostitutes.

Google asexuality. Does any of it match up with you?

It's clear that the issue here is that on some level, this DOES bother the OP, hence her saying it's "not easy." She doesn't sound like she's okay with it, she sounds like she's completely numb about the issue of sex. That's no way to go through life.

You'll notice, though, that she doesn't in any of her responses respond to anything whatsoever about the women. On some level, I suppose OP has basically decided women are rape-things for men to toy with, and doesn't really think those women deserve any better than what she got.

I personally think all forms of prostitution are wrong. However I suspect the OPs husband wants entirely unattached sex as he's relatively happy in the marriage. It would perhaps be worse for the OP in an emotional sense if he was getting sex from one specific woman which he could develop an emotional affair with. For some men sex is just sex.

Some of these threads just descend into vile group bullying. If you are so upset by a thread that it makes you want to tell the poster to fuck off (for something her husband is doing - because of course as women we are supposed to police their every move) then click out of the thread or report it. There's no need to be nasty.

For something her husband is doing to other women in her house who may or may not be willing, which she has no inclination to stop.

If he was regularly seducing 18 year olds with false promises of love in her house and leaving them all fucked up afterward, there'd be no chance that a thread where people said to the wife "what are you thinking, how could you let this happen under your own nose, don't you see it's wrong and unethical and you need to put a stop to it any way you can?!" would be regarded as "bullying." It's only "bullying" because huge numbers of people, including sad to say many MNers, don't really consider prostitutes to be people like you or me or my hypothetical 18 year old seduction victim.

Just think the tone of this thread is absolutely appalling. She is obviously the victim here, see the picture as it is.

This is really sad, OP.

I do think it is dissociation as a result of previous trauma. And maybe having sex with your husband was re-traumatising in some way. Why did you feel like you did not satisfy him? How did it end up with him using escorts, and not working the issues through with you in a kind and compassionate way? This is not a good response on his part, however deeply buried your emotions are, it speaks of a man who thinks women are for sexual gratification; and that is on the same spectrum of power play that rape is.

I have suffered from dissociation as a result of sexual abuse and it took me a long time, courage and several attempts at therapy to get past it and heal. Maybe a therapist cannot help you right away, but someone compassionate to just listen and start to hear your voice? Whatever you start by saying? Be kind to yourself

sandy I read something similar, except the husband had a woman he goes to about 3 times a month. His wife has never had sex with him following the trauma of being gang raped by an Ex BF and his friends.

But the difference is it does bother her,even though she knows he has needs that she can't meet.

Sex is not a need. It's a "want". Despite what entitled arsewipe men think.

Ugh! His wife is truamatised from gang rape and his concern is his sexual desires not being fulfilled? What a revolting specimin.

thank you for your answers. I do feel bothered by the fact I am not bothered. it's hard to explain, but we have a good life together and then it's just around 11pm some nights it's not. And it's easy to ignore that in the context of other stuff. thankyou for your answers.

I can kind of see where you are coming from-lots of women don't want sex with their husbands but still want to be with them. Particularly when there are young children around. Have you got young children? At 11pm sex is the last thing on my mind I just want bed!!

Do you have any kind of intimacy though? Kissing, hugging etc? It's so important!

It's your choice and your life and if you are truly and genuinely happy then that's fine. In other cultures men have multiple wives and mistresses and it is considered normal. I'm not saying that's a good way to live but I'm sure you're not as alone as you feel here.

FWIW it's common as children grow older to get your sex life back better then ever !! But you have to nurture your relationship and your husband seeing escorts won't help this.