why doesn't it bother me my husband uses escorts?

[wildsummerflowers]

is it possible for a relationship to be good and for the sex side of things just to be separate? It really genuinely doesn't bother me but it should. I feel people would be horrified if they knew.

Seek professional help OP, I don't think anyone here can help you.

I do know that. That's why I'm wondering why I'm different. Why it doesn't bother me or hurt me. I just had someone from the other forum suggest I should talk more on here but turns out my relationship is so awful no one would believe it anyway!!

Asking "why doesn't it bother me" is asking for a diagnosis.

Feeling attacked and acting affronted as you have already is a sure sign you're not emotionally up to having this discussion online.

you can't just walk out and get professional help, no one would believe me and besides what would I say "someone raped me and hit me repeatedly when I was a teenager but I'm okay with it" they'd just ask why I was there, then. I just wanted to talk. But you shouldn't bother.

I would suggest that your lack of emotion about it is connected to the fact that you are not comfortable having sex and therefore you don't have the sexual bond that would normally provoke jealousy.

Are you in the house when they come? Do you have any intimacy whatsoever with your DH?

It's a very odd situation and I wonder what would happen if you told your husband that actually, it's not OK any more?

How do you know he's been with these women?

Could it be that you simply don't love your husband? If my husband was doing this it would break me

Perhaps you don't care because you don't want to have sex with him? Is the rest of your relationship truly good? Do you have intimacy even without sex? Or is he more of a friend?

I would rather my husband had an affair or a series of one night stands than had sex with prostitutes. The idea that he could exploit vulnerable people is worse than the sex in my opinion.

I'd leave him either way

Why are you not bothered that your DH uses escorts?

Because you're setting incredibly low standards for yourself? Because you think so little of yourself you're happy for your H to sleep with other women in your own home? Because you have so little self esteem you're happy to be with someone who pays vulnerable women to have sex with him.

Next you'll tell me he's doing it in your marital bed.

Are you so detached from intake you with your H that you feel nothing when he abuses your relationship by openly cheating in front of your face.

No husband who truly loves and respects his wife would do what he's doing. If this is all true, feel deeply, deeply sorry for you.

I think the fact that you are not bothered about this shows you are completely detached from him and have checked out of the relationship.

If he left you now would you be bothered?

yes, I'm generally asleep.

I think that's a good way of putting it Diana

he tells me he has been with them

Intimacy, not intake. Damn autocorrect.

Most NHS areas have specialised counselling re sex abuse. Go see your GP and get an appt and take it from there? The fact it doesn't bother you probably needs exploring a bit and that's a professional job really.

he tells me he has been with them

To what end? Is he trying to provoke a reaction?

yes I would be bothered. I do care about him but I just don't care about sex with him or about him having sex with anybody else.

Im sorry wildsummerflowers
The responses above mostly are so rude. You need to work with a counsellor/therapist to work through your feelings surrounding sex and then you may become aware of how you feel about your husband and escorts.

You do have a feeling about it but you are not in touch with your emotions or self aware, hence your op.

I hope you find someone you can talk it out with op, and your sexual abuse, as the same applies here, you do have feelings about all of it but they are hidden or suppressed.

I believe you. You seem concerned about your own lack of feelings in a horrible and upsetting situation. Traumatic experiences can cause such pain that its actually difficult to get in touch with it by yourself. If you were to see a professional, you could start by telling them what you've told us - that your husband pays to have escorts service him in your home, and that you don't feel very much about it, but you feel that you 'should'. The counsellor / therapist would help you explore why you feel the way you do

yes I would be bothered. I do care about him but I just don't care about sex with him or about him having sex with anybody else.

If I thought my husband wouldn't care about me sleeping with someone else is be devastated. Something is seriously wrong in your relationship. It shouldn't just be OK to announce to your wife you've been shagging someone else.

many men use escorts, if you are genuinely not bothered and your marriage feels happy then there is no problem.

At least he isn't lying to you or stringing some OW along just for sex.

According to Charlie Sheen men don't pay for sex, they pay to leave after with no hassle.

If you decide it does bother you, do you think your husband would stop?

I think you're probably not ok with it deep down - hence your need to post here. But you prefer it to the alternative - you having sex with him.

It sounds like a self-preservation thing. A lot of people shut down rather than face the painful reality of a situation and the can of worms addressing it would open.

This is probably not the right place to seek help (although you're very welcome to vent here) - very few of us are qualified to help you and it is such an emotive subject that you're likely to get inflamed responses that'll make you feel bad about yourself.

Relate do free online counselling via a chat mechanism, maybe you could try talking to them? A real-life counsellor might be better for you though.
If you haven't spoken to anyone about the sexual abuse you suffered you might feel better after speaking to someone about it.

Does your husband know you know? How did this arrangement come about? How does he feel about it?

I couldn't go for counselling but I am so relieved someone believes me.

if you go on google, and you put in escort agencies and where you live, you will see they do go to homes hotels too but also homes, I'm NOT lying.

Why is everyone being so harsh? The spirit of mn is that you assume every poster is genuine and offer support. There is a report button if you have doubts.

OP, are you worried about what your husband is doing? Are you more worried about your non-reaction? Or the state of your marriage? You haven't explicitly said what about this situation is making you post or what you need.

Do you think that because of your previous abuse, you have shut down from sex, and therefore feel that your husband is entitled to look elsewhere?

I think there are a few issues to work through here. Your marriage overall is one (most women who love their husbands would be very upset over him cheating). How you've dealt with your past is another (saying you are ok with being abused seems a lot like you've disconnected from it. Being abused is not ok).
Seperate to that is your husbands infidelity and separate again are your thoughts / feelings about prostitutes. A lot of people here will focus on this because escorts are often vulnerable and unwilling - and you should think about that, because morally you probably know this, and what does it say about your husband that he knows this and doesn't care?

How can we help you OP?

I just can't envisage how that conversation goes.

Dh : I've slept with a prostitute.
Me : ok
Dh : ok then. What do you fancy for tea?

Did he ask your permission first?

It's impossible to say how I feel about escorts. the ones I have seen (fleetingly) look young, beautiful and like they are OK. I don't know if that's the case.

I feel like I've never given him good sex and so I feel somewhere along the line we compromised with this, he once was on msn with sex talk (ages ago obviously who uses msn now.)

I have to go now. thank you.