why doesn't it bother me my husband uses escorts?

[wildsummerflowers]

is it possible for a relationship to be good and for the sex side of things just to be separate? It really genuinely doesn't bother me but it should. I feel people would be horrified if they knew.

Again, I believe you. And I believe that you have very strong, entirely understandable feelings about this situation which you are unable to fully get in touch with, possibly because they're just too damn painful. That's ok, it happens. I agree with HandbagCrazy, you sound like you have disconnected from your experience. That's not a judgement - its a way to preserve your own sanity when faced with abuse. However, life does not have to remain like this. You don't have to stay stuck and numb and frozen

I think your husband's behaviour and lack of respect for you is disgusting and you deserve better than that

purple fyi he just says I'm going to have someone over tonight. often I am asleep.

If you said "I don't want you to, we're married and I want you to be faithful to me", what do you think he'd say?

Well it must bother you on some level as you've taken the time to post about it.

You're genuinely not bothered but you need to talk to somebody?

Why do you need to talk if you're genuinely not bothered?

So you feel they give him "better" sex?

It must've been good enough for him to marry you. Are you happy? That's the question.

One of dhs ex colleagues had an open marriage. He's gorgeous and so gets a lot of female attention. He reckons his dw is ok with it as she understands. But I know she told a member of their staff to "stay the fuck away from my husband" so I'm not convinced she's ok with it really.

Hey flower,

I'm really quite ashamed of some of the responses you have had so far on her, some of the, are disgraceful and outside of mumsnet rules I'm sure.

I do believe you lovely and I also believe you have very little response to what is going on around you.
I think for what it's worth and in my professional opinion your suffering from disassociation, I wonder if there's a lot of other stuff in your life your quite numb about?

I would strongly suggest you seek out a decent psychotherapist who can deal with this issue, and speak to them, you will be believed I promise you that.

in my professional opinion your suffering from disassociation

What a thoroughly UNprofessional think to post

^thing

As someone has already said, I would say that the reason it doesn't bother you is that you simply don't love your DH that much; or that you've never fully engaged with the physical side of your relationship. Which, given that you were abused through your teens, would make sense - in true "armchair psychology" fashion, I would say that you've locked that stuff up in your emotions somewhere so that you no longer "feel" anything about it, and that your own sexual emotional wellbeing went with it.

Your DH being with escorts is clearly safer for your relationship (emotionally) than him having an affair - what would you feel, do you think, if he had an affair? You've said you'd be bothered if he left, so would an affair affect you more? Is it just the temporary nature of the liaisons he's having that make it "ok" with you?

What's unprofessional about it Dacre?

"You're genuinely not bothered but you need to talk to somebody?^

Why do you need to talk if you're genuinely not bothered?"

I think it's the fact that the OP doesn't feel bothered that is bothering her, iyswim, Just

Balls. Italic fail.

I believe you. I also believe you when you say you don't see sex as important.

Leaving aside the moral implications of paying someone for sex, in theory what you have should be the answer to an issue that ends a lot of marriages - he wants sex and you don't.

However, I'm not sure its as easy as that to compartmentalize it all.

I think you should probably ask yourself:

Would he stop, if you asked him to?
Would he be happy for you to do the same thing?

If the answer to both of those is yes, and you can square the ethical implications, there's in theory no reason why you should feel anything. I, personally, would be devastated, but I'm not you, and it's not my marriage.

Balls. Italic fail.

IMO If it doesn't bother you then it doesn't bother you. You aren't paying them, the moral implications are your DH's problem.

The professionals across the board are usually incredibly careful NOT to post professional opinions Lotta and to hedge any advice they do give around with caveats about it being general insight or pointers. For fairly obvious ethical, legal and professional standards reasons.

Besides, I can detect the whiff of old socks.

You should use bold Thumb. You secretly like bold

Hi OP,

I believe you and I'm sorry you went through that.

Would you consider counselling though? If you don't want to do it through the Doctors you could do it privately if you have some money available, and if your H is paying for sex then there must be some resources. You can even have phone counselling so you don't have to speak to anyone face to face if that's as far as you can manage.

Would that be a possibility? There are qualified and experience professionals who can help you in a supportive way, both with the issues of the past and also this issue here (which may of course be related).

If the fact your husband has sex with someone else isn't bothering you then what about the large scale sexual exploitation in the sex industry? How do you know he's not paying someone who's been pushed into it against their will?

And what about the financial side, i don't pretend to know the cost of an
escort but it must cost a fair bit of your family's money to hire them?

An odd post!

I do like bold, Just, for posters' names. Which is why I like italics for quotes. and if there was a tongue-out smiley I'd use that too! :P
(on a laptop so can't use app smileys)

and if there was a tongue-out smiley I'd use that too!

Wild flowers I am so sorry about this. It is not ok for your husband to do this and it is ok for you to tell him to stop. I don't think you are in touch with how you feel, this is not good for you. Your husband is not considering you only himself and this is not ok.
I believe you and I am on your side. I think you need to talk to somebody you trust. I hope you are ok, and you come back to the thread. The first few comments you received are not about you, more shock about your husbands behaviour.

Did you ever get counselling or support for the rape and abuse when you were younger?
You really need some real support.
This is not normal and you shouldn't be putting up with it.
But after what you have been through I can't imagine how you feel about sex and intimacy.
You could start with Rape Crisis
They can offer you specialist support and they WILL believe you.
Please do get yourself some help.
You sound quite young and it's no way to live the rest of your life.
You deserve help and support so go out there and find it.
Even your GP could help initially and refer you.
Please don't put up with this life you have resigned yourself to.
You can get better. You won't ever fully get over it but you can learn to accept things and accept that you get this one life and you make the best of it.