I think it's over and I'm in a daze

[LotsaKnots]

Dh has ended it I think. I'm not sure if he will turn around tomorrow and say it was all an overreaction but I don't think he will.

I think he may read mn as he knows I come on here so will try to be careful what I say.

We've been together over ten years with four kids. I don't give him enough of what he needs. We don't earn a lot and I don't know what to do, I can't afford a solicitor, can't afford to buy a house if we sell the one we're in.

I can't talk to anyone.

I'm screwed. My kids are going to be messed up. I don't think I can cope with this.

If you decide, if you both decide, that you want to stay together you should really look into some form of counselling. Going back and forth like this is unacceptable particularly with the children. Even then, I would be getting my ducks in a row. My own account for a run fund. Another spot with a solicitor (a better non weird solicitor). Look into what help is available for single parents who are studying. I'm not saying it's all inevitable but at least he won't be able to blind-side you again. Just have a plan b for you and the children.

OP, it doesn't hurt to prepare yourself and your finances a bit in case something similar happens. I don't think your OH has behaved at all well here and he doesn't seem to be in any rush to make amends to you all either.

Not that this is going to be any consolation, but you have behaved with grace and dignity and showed an inordinate amount of strength under very difficult circumstances. Good for you.

Look after yourself and remember to put yourself and your children first. You all need stability X

It seems to me that your husband's broken a massive taboo- that you couldn't afford to split up- and now it's out there as an option that could be made to work for you if necessary. Would it be fair to say you've been pretty unhappy with your marriage for years and feel actually quite cheated that he's changed his mind?

Thanks. That's essentially what I'm doing although I haven't seen another solicitor as I think it'd be a step too far right now. I'm not actively seeking to start a divorce I just wanted advice when I was put in that position.

I agree about counselling but he has refused several times. I might go on my own.

Think dh is trying to reconcile as he has given me a cheery greeting...

That post was to dazzling. I typed a post and forgot to hit post before I started thw dinner

About to sit dc down to eat will respond later

Thanks Sherlock I am wondering myself why I haven't fallen apart more which leads me to Fetch's post...

I keep thinking about how I felt thinking it was over. I was really upset, scared, sad and so many other emotions and thoughts but amongst it I think there may have been excitement and maybe relief??We've had issues over the years and definitely times where I've been unhappy. We still have ups and downs but on the whole I'm far more appreciative of our life and try to recognise the small and big things that make it enjoyable.
I think the excitement /relief/whatever the feeling was could be the opportunity to be on my own as an adult. We've been together since I was 16, married at 18. I'm not saying I want to take the option of being alone. I guess I'm saying I may have surprised myself with my emotions and feelings.

I need to think this through really carefully and sort my head out.

I really hope everything turns out well for you whatever the outcome. Take care of yourself and your children.

He obviously was intending to leave. I think it's very unlikely he wasn't going to leave you if he actually told them.

It sounds to me like he thought he had somewhere to go/someone to go to but that hasn't panned out like he thought so now he is stalling

I am afraid I think OW too, or one lined up which has not gone to plan.

One thing nobody has picked up on is you said he has been abusive in the past. If this is the case never have joint counselling with him. And if he is an abuser is this sort of behaviour a continuation of that?

I would be telling him to leave while you spend time alone to decide what you want and whether you can get past the awful way he has treated all of you. Why does he get to shoot his mouth off and then retract it and expect you to carry on like nothing happened. Or are you expected to live in limbo for him to do it again, because do it again he will.

I am 90% sure there is no OW although the other 10% of me knows how wrong I could be. He's quite open with his phone and not that strict about passwords for accounts. Although there is his work phone and email which are locked. .... I just don't think he has the time or would want to. It doesn't fit who he is. I'm not saying it's impossible though.
Just very unlikely.

We really need to talk about things. I think he needs to understand he has completely crossed the line and if it happens again it will be over for good as I cannot put the dc through this shit and I won't stick around with twee thoughts of being together forever. Fuck that shit.

I feel a bit emotionally deadened. I don't want him near me or to show compassion to him. He hurt himself yesterday and I really just wanted to carry on watching the tv but forced myself to check he was ok. That can't be good can it. I'm still pissed off deep down and am thinking 'fuck him and what he wants /thinks/feels'.

I think ultimately we will end up staying together. But I don't know if I will ever be able to meet his needs or give him what he wants. He always comes back to that. I don't know how to give him the support he feels he lacks. I am busy with dc, work, house stuff and don't know what he wants from me.
Maybe its better to have a relationship even if it doesnt meet all your needs then to be alone. Stupid life questions. Stupid dh. Stupid me.

Maybe I can't meet his needs because he doesn't meet mine. I'm not sure what my needs are.
bangs head on wall

I think the dc are feeling unsure. When I speak about their dad they seem unsure. When he comes in the room my eldest jumps up and starts picking things up and cleaning a bit because he doesn't like mess.
Eldest is trying to appease people and avoid conflict. That pisses me off too.

Sorry lots of rambling.

I think I've lost it. Just shouted at someone who parked infront of my house. Not my drive but on the small road right infront my house. They were an asshole but not sure I even had the right to say anything. I'm shaking and upset and I'm sure it has not a lot to do with the idiot infront of my house.

And now my new neighbours up the road will think I'm a fucking idiot. Which I am.
I feel a bit mentally unhinged right now. I think everything's finally caught up to me

Normally if something happens I call dh but I can't anymore . Not whilst we're going through this mess. That's just hit me.

You need to calm down. Would it help you to feel more in control if you walked up the road ( with a bottle of wine if you have one handy) and apologised to new neighbours. Just a simple "Sorry about that - you caught me on a really bad day."

It probably isn't important in the grand scheme of things but it might make you feel more like you are in control of yourself?

I don't think you can carry on like this can you? Is there anyone you can see in RL? Of course it's a bloody bank holiday weekend so you probably can't get to GP but if you really cannot cope, take yourself off to bed. Is Dh around? Can he look after DC for a bit?

Would you feel better if he left for a while so you can get your head around everything?

My friends have dropped one by one throughout this marriage. That's just hit me. I am some mad woman harassing strangers in the street for all neighbour to see. And my kids saw me too. Well done me.

Person has moved their car. Probably told new neighbour 'sorry would stay longer but fucking mad woman has scared me'.

I can't go up the road I've been crying for a bit and have a red puffy face it'd look ridiculous. Dh at work. I really want a hug and a squeeze and to be looked after and I feel miserable because if dh offered that to me now I think it'd be fake.

I just feel really sad and can't stop crying. Talk about the straw that broke the mad woman's back.

OK, I think you need to "do something" to distract yourself and the DC.

Can you go to a park/cinema/beach/shops anything to get you out and about where you have to concentrate on other shit rather than all the relationship stuff that you are understandably focusing on right now?

One of dc not feeling well. Can't go out. Deep breaths. Eldest dc now looking at my puffy face and knows I've been crying alot. Mothering fail.
Will put youngest down for nap and stick on a movie. Just realised I haven't eaten/drank much either that can't be helping I'm not good on an empty stomach

Wow, I just found this thread.
If any of the posters from 2016 see this, THANK YOU for your words and advice.

Here's the 10 years later, 2026 update. Trigger warning of abuse:

DH and I went to couple's counselling in the end and things calmed down a bit. I finished my uni course and it nearly broke me. I kept getting sick repeatedly.
In 2018, my first teenage love popped up and turned my head. I realised I was far more interested in my first love than my dh and so I ended it. Simple as that. I thought, I am interested in someone else and I want to be free to do what I want. And I don't want to be with dh anymore. I thought in my simple little head that Dh
and I would separate and continue as co parents and split everything in half :) :)

That's when the abuse ramped up beyond anything I've ever known. Towards me and our dc. The shitshow that unfurled throughout 2019 was off the charts. It took 6 years to get back into the family home I had to flee from. It took 7 years to financially and legally divorce. I ended up taking a shit deal and paying HIM money just to be done with it. My kids suffered horrendously and I basically went off the rails in response to mammoth levels of gaslighting and abuse. My kids were turned against me and their childhoods ruined. They were separated from me as dh convinced them I was abusive. He kept them from school and convinced them of all sorts.
They don't remember much about before the abuse or how much stability I gave them. Social services were really shit. My kids hurt themselves and sometimes still do.

I started drinking to cope. I hurt myself to cope in various ways. My spirit became really unwell. I ended up with many health issues.

Throughout that time I met a few angels. Friends who got me through what can only be described as a total nightmare in reality. They saved me and got me through it.

My dc and I now all live together for 2 years and we are slowly repairing and recovering. I have a lot of issues I am working through but I am over 6 months sober, in PTSD therapy for complex trauma and trying to look after myself. My dc have a lot of issues. I am working hard on giving them stability, love and security every day. They are really hard work and I feel really tired from single parenting with no support from the Other Parent who is still mentally sick and thinks of himself as the victim.

Despite everything I do my best to be grateful everyday, for the roof over our heads, that nobody unalived themselves, nobody got murdered, we have food to eat, sometimes they let me hug them, I hear my dc chatting together and laughing sometimes. We made it out alive and I hope they continue to recover and that they will be ok.

If you're reading this and you pray or believe in some great spirit of the universe - pray for my dc. They've been through so much.

If anyone is in a dodgy relationship or unsure - get advice, plan, don't tell him a damn thing, safety plan and then leave.

I have huge man issues and trust issues now. My ex husband went psychotic and I thought he was going to kill us all. Just because I wanted to end my marriage. All the usual stuff about power and control applied to my situation.

I survived. With massive scars and a limp (not a real one, but you know what I mean) but fuck it man, I survived and I'm still a mother to my dc. A really flawed mother but I'm still here. Limping. And getting the dinner done.

I just wanted to update. And give some hope to anyone else suffering at the moment. Life is beautiful and tough, and you can get through whatever it is you're going through. Have faith and hope and I'm sending love.