I think it's over and I'm in a daze

[LotsaKnots]

Dh has ended it I think. I'm not sure if he will turn around tomorrow and say it was all an overreaction but I don't think he will.

I think he may read mn as he knows I come on here so will try to be careful what I say.

We've been together over ten years with four kids. I don't give him enough of what he needs. We don't earn a lot and I don't know what to do, I can't afford a solicitor, can't afford to buy a house if we sell the one we're in.

I can't talk to anyone.

I'm screwed. My kids are going to be messed up. I don't think I can cope with this.

He said he wasn't leaving and felt he wanted to at the time . The atmosphere isn't very nice and I'm still pissed off about telling the dc who are probably feeling unstable. Still no idea what's happening and stuck in limbo. He is hardly speaking and I am busy with the dc and seem to be doing most of the housework.
The whole thing is stressful.

I think I would be telling him that I want the marriage to be over, unless he agrees to couples' counselling.

It's not okay for him to chop and change his mind like this (including telling the kids - wtf?!), while you twist in the wind.

Start planning now, OP. He will go eventually but is stalling for time, imo.

So LotsaKnots, take a deep breath and think this through.

Stop thinking he has all the control. Get that idea right out of your head. He only has control if you give it to him. So take control here.

Stop thinking about what he wants. Right now, stuff what he wants.

What do you want? Focus on that.

You probably want for this to never have happened, sadly it has. So, how do you feel, about him? Can you carry on with a man who has caused all this pain and confusion? Can you forgive the nasty things he said? Can you forgive what he told the kids?

I think you have been to hell and back in the last few days. But I also think you have surprised yourself at the way you've coped, how you've tackled the practical stuff. Regardless of crying to strangers on the phone (we've all don that) you did it, you fought through the tears, you did it, good on you. You're stronger than you think.

So don't be passive and wait for him to decide your future. Grab control of your future, your kids future. It might be with him, it might not. But you decide, not him.

You are justified, because of what he's done, to tell him that you need some space to process the events of the last few days, and suggest he leaves for a few days whilst you think it all through. This gives you the space to get your head together, and him the wake up call he needs, making him realise that he's dealing with a strong, independent woman, not a little girl he can mess around with.

I wish you well.

I think MoreCoffee is right, unfortunately.

I do think the ball is in my court but the honest answer is I have no idea what I want to do.
If we were to stay together I don't think it would be for financial stability as I think I would do ok alone now. It would be because I want to be married to him.
I'm really not sure if I do. It's such a huge decision that will impact all of us. I need time to think it through and find out how I feel.
I don't want to just quietly carry on as we are I feel like a decision needs to be made whether it's separation/divorce/staying together/seeing how it goes.

I feel incapable of making a decision. Part of me was excited to be on my own. To be rid of so much stuff and have more space. Part of me thinks this is the man I've been with all my adult life and I do love him. He's part of the family unit and it'd probably be better to remain as we are.

Hmph.

You tell him there's no changing his mind on something like this and he is moving out. If he wants to work on rebuilding trust with you and his children, you are willing to go counselling and give him 6 months separation to sort his shit out. After which, you will be filing for unreasonable behaviour.

You need to give him a shock back. What a fucker.

And now if it is my decision will he leave if that's what I want? Would he give me space? I think he would be incredibly difficult.

Hm

So tell him that. Tell him you don't know what you want. He has caused this uncertainty, you deserve him to respect your need to re-evaluate the marriage in light of his bombshell.

If he genuinely wants a future with you, he should agree to whatever you want.

It's about you now. If you want time apart, then if he's a keeper, he'll agree.

He must be mature enough to see that he has to face some consequences. This isn't about punishing him, it's about vital time for you to decide what you want.
Good luck.

I think you're right Abyss but I don't think I want him gone unless I'm quite sure it's for good. Not after he's messed our kids about so horrificly

The guy just dropped a bomb into your family. If someone else hurt your kids like that you'd rip them apart, any Mum would.

I couldn't trust or sleep next to or even contemplate being in the same space as someone who would flippantly tell my kids their lives were about to be changed forever and then go back on it like it was nothing.

The original wanting to leave would be forgivable in time, telling the kids? Hell no. Get angry, you're allowed.

I had this.
I wish I'd known about mum's net then. I was in the same mess.
He loved me but wasn't in love with me scenario.
I was like the walking wounded...crying all over the place.

His mental breakdown was called other woman in my case.
He denied her existence for months. Then he told me he was having an affair. Three days later he denied it.
He was a right head fuck.

I wish I'd tossed his sorry arse to the kerb from the minute the shit hit the fan.

Never forget how he's hurt you op. You did not need this. With my new head on I'd be telling him to move out, while I decided what I wanted to do with my future.

It takes strength and it sounds like you've got that by the bucketload.
Don't think of the tears as a sign of weakness...that's the grief coming out and it needs too.

I saw this the other day.

Made me chuckle.

Marriage starts with two hearts and a diamond and at the end you need a club and a spade!

Marriage starts with two hearts and a diamond and at the end you need a club and a spade!

Lol. Thanks to all posters for the advice it's been much needed and gratefully received.

We spoke on the phone at length. I made it clear I needed time and wasn't convinced it would work based on what had happened. He understood to a degree and knows he was wrong to bring the kids into it.

Throughout our conversation I didn't feel like I was ready to end it. I like our family. I like him in it and I feel protective of him. We're far from perfect and I don't know how to move forward if he refuses counselling though.

I'm still going to see the solicitor today although it feels a bit extreme now.

Keep going,now you're no longer so frightened of the financial side you can think more clearly about what you want.Counciling may help but whatever you do don't go with keeping him happy,be yourself .See the solicitor ,the advice is useful and again gives you a bit more control.
Also keep a special eye on your teenager as they bottle stuff and even if he's back your kids will be more aware of atmosphere.I would be insisting that he takes them out on his own over the weekend because he has bridges to rebuild there whatever you decide.

I don't feel like the solicitor was very helpful if anything he seemed to be belittling our income and kept saying it's not much and that the car was not worth much and I could get another...the car cost over £5k and it means the world to me in being able to get around with the dc. I can't just get another as I couldn't afford it along with all the legal fees etc. When I mentioned dh potential job at 35k in the future and if this would be taken into account on future child support the solicitor said well it wasn't much but it would be taken into account

Did I just get a weird solicitor? Is this normal?

Taking steps to sort out finances as I am classing us as separated for now but we are still under the same roof. I don't want to be reliant. I have been doing all housework since Monday as H is working and then sleeping. Fixing his own dinner. I'm doing all the dishes, laundry, cleaning. I don't know why this matters but usually he would help a bit.

Don't think much of your solicitor, might be worth finding another one. Crucial you feel that your solicitor will get you the best deal. You have to have faith in your solicitor. If you have doubts now, ditch, find one you gel with.

You're separated but living together. Don't do his laundry or anything. Just do yours and the kids shopping for food, laundry etc.

Some of this advice worries me greatly.
Most people are advising the OP to assume it's over and plan accordingly.
This is a person's life , a family , children.

OP if you and your husband can get over this and emerge stronger that would be a great outcome. I just wanted to put that out there as a distinct possibility .

It often seems on MN that posters WANT non ideal marriages to break up .
Good luck with whatever the outcome.

Cary I know I probably shouldn't be doing his stuff too but it feels hostile not to and I don't want that. It's what I've always done since I was 18. Although I am noting he is not doing the little things he normally would around the house. Nothing major but it all adds up. Perhaps I may end up doing less if we continue on the separation / divorce path.

Iminshock thanks for your post. It's only been a a few days and I am now often thinking why am I making a fuss. He has said he wants to stay. We could go back to 'normal'.
Then I think back to Monday night when it all started. I genuinely believed (because that is what I was told) I was going to be a single parent and my marriage was over and there would be no attempt to reconcile through conversation or counselling. I was left to believe I had a few weeks until I had to live on a meagre part time salary to pay mortgage, bills and look after the dc amongst other things. I spent a day calling around through the tears and looking after dc.

One of our dc has come to me saying that their dad keeps trying to have a chat to explain he's leaving/now he's not/what he's doing. Dc is confused and doesn't want to know. I have told their dad he needs to lay off informing the kids of every minutiae of his mind workings.

Since all of this, whilst I definitely care for dh and love him I'm still not sure if there is a future together where we can make each other happy and without falling into this sort of situation again. I disagree strongly with how he's handled the whole thing and that he's treated me in a shit way. But he won't try counselling.

We seem to be at a stalemate. The atmosphere is unpleasant despite us talking if we need to. I feel bad for our children who have been made too aware of too much.

Sorry long post. Just getting my thoughts out. The whole thing is a mundane mess punctuated by laundry, hoovering and getting the dinner done. There's no raging arguments just a quiet fizzle of my marriage possibly burning out.

It is so unfair of him to discuss this with your DC, it must confuse them horribly.

You are uncertain, you need space.

Once the kids are settled back at school would he consider moving out, just for a couple of days, so you can just think, without him there?

Would that help you?

You say you are in stalemate, and that's horrible, but can you reach a decision, to move you from stalemate with him there?

The easy option of course is to try to wipe all this, what he said, from your mind, and get back to 'normal' But that would be hell for you. Because you can't ignore it, he said stuff that will make a future intolerable unless he really wants to stay and moves heaven and earth to convince you that he's totally committed to your marriage. Then you need to decide if you can forgive him for the hell of the past week, and build a better future. This won't happen whilst you are still in 'stalemate'.

Something needs to shift here. There could well be a future together. You need time and space to carefully consider what you want.

Good luck.

I don't see how this can be something he can just 'unsay' and take back.
At the very least he's made a chaotic mess.
Do you think it's possible there's someone else - who maybe didn't want to take him in just now?

But that's what he has done. Taken it back and carried on as a single person in the family home. He is coming and going as he pleases but usually turns up in the same room if I'm on the phone. He asked what I was doing on my phone yesterday. I don't think I have to give a response. I have to ask for him to contribute to put something away or get a snack for the dc. Nothing is offered. It's shit and a crap atmosphere

I have read your thread , he was wrong to tell the children and he may have been a bit quick to make a decision on leaving etc but in the few days since the initial disagreement/argument you have seen a solicitor, contact various agencies told work, become seperated and both single wow that's moving way to fast ...maybe it would be best to BOTH have some time over the weekend and consider what you both want and slow down a bit...

I don't consider myself single I consider myself married but in limbo. The only reason I moved so quickly is because I was being told in a few weeks time the main source of income would be gone and my marriage is over. I may have been upset but I'm not stupid when it comes to finances. We need money to pay the bills and eat. I can't wait for the next whim.

Even though he has stayed (for now) he has not shown any real remorse or apologised and he has distanced himself. Do these sound like the actions of someone who really wants to be married?

I am giving it time but I want to make sure I don't suffer as a result. I was thrown in the deep end and I can't let that happen again. Next time I might not fortunate enough to be feeling strong or happen to be on leave from work.

Besides all that he moved his pay to his single account and hasn't said he's moved it back. I suppose I'm supposed to wait and find out for that one.

The whole thing makes me feel bitter and annoyed.

Maybe I want to be alone.