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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it's over and I'm in a daze

98 replies

LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 00:10

Dh has ended it I think. I'm not sure if he will turn around tomorrow and say it was all an overreaction but I don't think he will.

I think he may read mn as he knows I come on here so will try to be careful what I say.

We've been together over ten years with four kids. I don't give him enough of what he needs. We don't earn a lot and I don't know what to do, I can't afford a solicitor, can't afford to buy a house if we sell the one we're in.

I can't talk to anyone.

I'm screwed. My kids are going to be messed up. I don't think I can cope with this.

OP posts:
Purplebluebird · 23/08/2016 13:38

Oh Lotsa, what a horrible situation for you to be in. Perhaps it would help you get your head on if you write a practical list of things you can do to help the situation / plan for this unexpected future? I'm sure someone with better advice will come soon. Sending some hugs from a stranger x

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 23/08/2016 13:41

When you spoke to the solicitors, CAB and Uni was anyone able to give you practical advice? It sounds like you need time to get this sorted and under your control, he's taken the control away from you right now and no wonder you are reeling.

He does need to talk to you because he needs to tell you how he is going to pay CM from now on, he can't just walk away from his responsibilities and leave you with nothing. Is he a decent father? Will he want to make sure your DCs are OK and don't have to leave their home?

Poor poor you, I won't say try to be strong b/c sometimes that's absolute rubbish that you don't want to hear.

pombearcat · 23/08/2016 14:44

I know its not much help but a call (or you do it online now I think) to Tax Credits asap to inform them your by husband has left ...this will increase those payments in time.
If you have to sell the house the you may also be eligible for housing benefit for a rental place ..
Tax Credits and HB saved mine and DCs skins when ex left...took me 6 months to eventually find a workable job/childcare to come off the HB but it definitely helped.
Take care of yourself xx

Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 15:04

He's told the kids.

OP posts:
CafeCremeMerci · 23/08/2016 15:25

Yes. Definitely get onto the benefits and tell
Them he's walked out on you. It takes a while to get it sorted, so don't delay until he's actually left

Which leads me to the next point. Tell him to fuck off to family or friends, he's longer part of your family and needs to get his arse out of your family home so you can get sorted. He doesn't get to call the shots.

If he's refusing to go call someone who will either convince him he should or will just make sure he does

CafeCremeMerci · 23/08/2016 15:27

How old are your kids

Even more reason for him to fuck off, it's not fair on the kids waiting for the hammer to drop. Then having to go through it all
Again at some point down the road when he feels ready to leave. Selfish prick

Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 16:16

I have now just cried to my manager too. Not sure if there's anyone left I haven't cried to. Spoke to benefits online but need to call them apparently.

He's now asking what I think and it's almost like he's backtracking??? Is he changing his mind? Was this his version of a wake up call?? Wtf

OP posts:
Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 16:16

Kids are 13 to 2 yrs

OP posts:
Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 16:21

Feeling spectacularly head messed.

OP posts:
Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 16:22

Like in cartoons where stars and tweety birds go round ur head in circles

OP posts:
Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 16:24

I've just spent all day trying to organise my life as a single parent is he really trying to take it all back now? I dont get it.
Is he saying he'll stay if I tell him I want him to? Its really hard telling someone you care for them when they are telling you they're not happy and want to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 17:20

He has changed his mind. Don't know what to think. Really
Really
Head fucked

OP posts:
Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 17:20

And exhausted.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 23/08/2016 17:23

Oh hell fire, love- what a way to treat you!

Stay strong.

pombearcat · 23/08/2016 20:57

So he's told the kids and you that he's going ..then changed his mind ?? What a knob ! An attention seeking knob at that ..I'd be telling him you need some space to get your head sorted after his game playing

chinam · 23/08/2016 21:07

What do you want, op? It's not all about what suits him. He's told your children you are splitting up. He can't mess them around like that, either.

Sassypants82 · 23/08/2016 21:19

I can't believe he told your kids & is now back tracking. Wtf was it all about? You need details as to what exactly went through his mind. I would expect he'll be very difficult to trust ever again.

Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 22:11

I am royally pissed. I had to tell the kids he was 'most likely' staying and was v matter of fact that either option meant minimalistic disruption to their environment. I'm certain from looking online today and talking to my manager who has been through it that I would be entitled to keep the house whilst dcs are young.

Who the fuck does that to their kids? !!!!!!

I don't know what I want. I feel like despite everything and my blubbing on the phone I've been stronger than I thought and I now think financially it wouldn't be easy but it could be possible.

The cynic in me wonders if he realised he'd be financially worse off or if he was pissed off I spent the day making plans inbetween looking after dc and housework rather than grovelling.

OP posts:
greathat · 23/08/2016 22:15

:( I'd assume its still going to happen and keep going with your plans. He may just be stalling for time

Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 22:16

I had no control over what was happening but I was doing my best. Now I feel like I'm waiting for his whim, next time we argue or I do something he feels warrants throwing divorce around like it's a weapon.

I cant forget some of the things he said about me either. How he views me.

Genuinely don't know where to go from here. I might still see the solicitor tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 22:21

X post great. I don't think he is stalling. I think he has come back down to earth and realised what a complete shit he is being.

I guess the upside is if I decide to stick it out I know it won't be out of fear regarding the house/finances. I might still carry on making plans because I have no idea what I'm going to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
LotsaKnots · 23/08/2016 22:23

I wonder if he is getting some sort of mental health issue. Why would you turn and act like this?apparently none of it was planned but it was all true at the time

OP posts:
Expellibramus · 23/08/2016 22:23

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I can't help thinking he's potentially seeing somebody else that hasn't been as positive about the situation today as he'd like. Regardless, horrible of him.

pombearcat · 23/08/2016 23:16

Agree with Expel ....

FetchezLaVache · 23/08/2016 23:17

Stronger than you thought is right- stronger than he thought, too, I bet!

In fact you've come across as incredibly strong and together today. I reckon you may as well keep the appointment with the solicitor tomorrow- no harm in knowing where you stand so that even if you do stay together, you know he won't be able to bandy the threat of divorce as a weapon to keep you in line.

What did he actually say? "Hey Lotsa, you know when I said this morning I absolutely definitely wanted a divorce and there was no point in discussing what went wrong because I wasn't going to change my mind? Well, I've changed my mind"?