Dh thinks I'm an alcoholic. I don't.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I do like a drink. But it's become a major issue lately.

Bit of background. I have bipolar and have run up a fair whack of debt. So now I have no access to cash or cards and Dh holds the purse strings.

I have to ask to buy stuff and he will agree if he thinks it's ok. But he has become really strict about alcohol.

We've always been big drinkers, Friday nights have always been our night to drink and be merry. But I also like to have up to a bottle of wine midweek when he goes out for the evening, and sometimes it's nice to have a few drinks with Sunday lunch etc.

Dh has put a stop to that and I have to really convince him that it's fine for me to have a drink any other day than Friday. We went out yesterday for a day out, and I drank wine in the sunshine. He has kicked off at me just now that that was inappropriate and I am an alcoholic.

My family are all quite big drinkers and wine is part of all our get togethers, so to me a family day out in the park, with a picnic, is a chance for the mum to kick back with a cold glass while the dad plays football with the kids. But not according to Dh, it's a symptom of my alcoholism and shows that I have no idea what is and isn't appropriate drinking.

I love him very much and if not drinking at all is what it takes to make him happy then I will, but to me having a few glasses of wine is one of my few 'hobbies' if that makes sense. I don't really go out and see friends or have any actual hobbies (mainly due to my mh) and I just don't really see what the problem is. I would understand if I was a slurring aggressive mess but I'm really not, I just get happy and chatty.

Anyway, this is getting quite long so I'll leave it there for now, but I wondered what others would think. Do I have a raging drinking problem that I'm in denial about or has its just become this huge issue for no reason?

[expatinscotland]

But if he gives you any money, you'll go and buy booze. 3 bottles+beers? That's a fuckload of alcohol for someone who is probably on some pretty strong drugs.

[expatinscotland]

'As an adult, the OP has a right to a certain level of autonomy, even when she has previously run up debt. '

True. He could split up with her and she'll have the PIP and ESA to live on.

[greathat]

You can get apps to help you keep track of how much you are actually drinking... Not sure how much use they are after you've had a few glasses. It does sound like a lot to me.

[diddl]

If there is debt, surely neither of them should be drinking to excess?

Op's intake sounds a lot to me-but 11 pints in one night??

I can't take that in at all!

Shouldn't Op have, for want of a better phrase "pocket money" to spend on what she wants?

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

We're both paying back the debt. He works ft and I get pip, ESA, child benefit. Everything is joint.

If I were using benefits to pay back my debt, I would not be able to justify spending upwards of £15 a week on alcohol.

[LumpyMcBentface]

The debt is manageable and being paid.

He's become more controlling about what's the kids do and eat (says we get through too much milk for eg) and has started to micro manage what we do during the day.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Does he resent the impact your illness has had on the family finances and so is reluctant for you to spend money on alcohol? Contrition is probably not appropriate if your behaviour/actions were as a result of the bipolar but he may want to see positive action by you to improve the situation (I.e. By not spending money on alcohol).

Apologies, I only have limited experience of BPD. My friend's dad spent £200k + in one episode so yes, they were pretty controlling around him after that.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

I am an alcoholic; I was sober for four years until my partner left me earlier this year. Despite everything I learned about addiction, I stupidly started to buy those mini bottles of wine two or three times a week. It very quickly spiralled. I have spent the last couple of days trying to stay sober, and have felt physically and mentally ill.

I would never diagnose anyone as being an alcoholic, but just be aware that the more you consume, the more you increase the possibility of a serious dependency.

[Trifleorbust]

Here's a possible compromise: tell your husband you understand his concern and you are happy to make some changes, provided he also makes the same changes. If you are only 'allowed' to drink a certain amount, so is he. Set a level for both of you, for example, no drinking in the week and no going over, say, 8 units in any one go. He needs to return free access to money to you over time, so starting from the principles that you agree spending jointly (not just your spending scrutinised!) and, assuming no further problems with debt, you set a date to bring the situation back to normal, with joint access to money.

[CafeCremeMerci]

I don't think any of us can really help you 🙁

It's quite a lot of alcohol. I could easily drink that some weeks, but I can also easily go weeks without even thinking about alcohol. But then I'm not living a life where I feel 'controlled'.

If you hadn't said about your BPD etc then everyone would be saying 'he's controlling' , but because of your MH issues (and debts etc) people are (mostly) saying he needs to be in control. We don't know which is correct.

What I do know is that you sound very unhappy with the situation & that needs addressing. You need a real friend who really knows you & will be honest about both you & your DH.

💐

[Stinkerbelle37]

Trifle I know, but I was worried that if I said £20 that I would get accusations of wine snobbery etc. So I thought best to go low 😄!

[Trifleorbust]

Expat: That's unfair. The primary earner in a marriage doesn't get to control the other person's access to money just because they earn more. Come on.

[Trifleorbust]

Stinker: 😂 Yep!

[IzzyIsBusy]

True. He could split up with her and she'll have the PIP and ESA to live on.

I wonder if he is too svared to do that?

Clise friend of DPs wife has bi polar. She is great when well but on her high days she will book £8000 cruises, buy new furniture for the living totalling £12000 she even bought a very expensive pedigree cat despite being allergic . Her DH has wanted to leave many times as the stress is making him ill too. However he loves her but he is so scared of what will happen to her ge says he could not live with the guilt.

[StepAwayFromTheThesaurus]

OP: is your husband perhaps more worried about money than you think he is? If he's worried about drinking too much milk and limiting activities (presumably those that cost money), your family finances may be in worse shape than you realise.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

OP you say your DH considers drinking an issue for you because your overdose attempts are coupled with alcohol.

Do you mean excessive drinking fuels these attempts or you use alcohol as part of these attempts?

Also, are these attempts often? Recent?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

OP how well controlled is your bipolar? If your mood is high do you spend and drink freely without worrying about the consequences?

Its very hard for any of us to judge the rights and wrongs of your DH's action without knowing the full backstory. Does your drinking have an impact on your behaviour or mood? To give a real life example, DB took the car keys off exSIL and locked them away (when they were still married) because her bipolar wasn't well controlled at the time and she was in a manic phase so would have been a danger to herself and others on the road.

[Acornantics]

Sounds like a habitual reliance on alcohol; could you give up alcohol for a period, or would that be hard? I think if you can go without alcohol for a week or two, or more, then you could possibly break the habit. If you can't face a few weeks without alcohol then perhaps it's tipping into dangerous territory. Look after yourself love.

[wizzywig]

If you didnt have any restrictions then how much would you like to drink?

[CafeCremeMerci]

Itshouldhavebeenjess. 💐 You did it before, you can do it again. I'm sorry him leaving made you so vulnerable you started drinking again, but please, don't let him undo all your hard work. I'm sure right now it feels easier to have 'just one to relax/stop feeling so awful' but you know that's your dependency trying to trick you. Bastard that it is. Think back to how you did it last time, do that again. You can!

[Temporaryanonymity]

Alcoholism isn't about how much you drink. It's also about the problems it causes in your relationships with others.

You'd be in a much better place to manage your mental health if you could find a way to relax without alcohol. Just because others drink the same amount doesn't mean than its ok. drinkers often socialise with other drinkers to normalise their own intake.

With your particular circumstances and your MH diagnosis I'd be concerned too. Unfortunately for your DH unless you see the problem nothing will change. I left my exH because I couldn't live with it anymore; it got steadily worse over the years.

Alcoholism is a terrible disease and it doesn't help that people always focus in on the amount that is taken. Just one drink is a problem for an alcoholic.

[Justwanttoweeinpeace]

*I don't drink any more than anyone else I know.
*
Sympathies OP. My DH comes from a very heavy drinking family. I come from a very abstemious family. His family think we are weird and my family think his lot are all alcoholics.

It's a mis-step to compare yourself to other people. It's taken a long time for my DH to realise that drinking heavily (only a very very small amount more than you do) was really bad for him.

He never get drunk, but he'd be so irritable if he couldn't have a drink when he felt like it. When he realised this he started to address his issues.

Not much help, but , we also found it really hard to figure out what were acceptable levels.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP, I think you drink a lot. I also think that you're minimising it and trying to 'fluffy it up' as something that isn't harmful. The fact that so many people also drink very heavily and minimise their drinking helps you feel that your drinking is normal. It really isn't.

You say that you are just 'happy and chatty' when you've had a drink, well, I've been around a lot of people who also think this and the reality is very different. They're fixated on alcohol and when they can get their next drink. It's awful to watch and I wonder, if you asked your husband to be honest with you about how you are when you're drinking, you might get an answer that makes you feel uncomfortable.

I'd also question what sort of medication is it that you are on that isn't affected by this much alcohol? Are you truthful with your HCPs when they ask you about your alcohol intake each week?

The other question I wanted to ask because nobody else has - your lack of a car. Is alcohol at the root of that or is it just not being able to afford one?

I think you should have a very honest and frank discussion with your husband because he doesn't sound controlling to me, more very concerned about you. You mention his drinking but the frequency seems to be far less often than your drinking - and you say that you're unable to stop once you start. What would be your diagnosis if somebody would present these facts to you?

I wonder if you've started the thread because you have a sneaky suspicion that you may be an alcoholic and are hoping for validation that you aren't... but it's clear that some posters - most in fact - clearly think that you do have a problem with alcohol. I would be concerned about you if you were a family member, OP because you do seem to be in denial about it. Get some good help.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I lost my license when I was given the bipolar diagnosis. I've had several suicide attempts over the last two years so I can't have it back until I've been stable for six months.

[TheSockGoblin]

You say you have no medication contraindications, but also that you have bipolar and anxiety etc.

Aren't you on any mood stabilisers or anti-depressants then? What about Lithium?