Dh thinks I'm an alcoholic. I don't.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I do like a drink. But it's become a major issue lately.

Bit of background. I have bipolar and have run up a fair whack of debt. So now I have no access to cash or cards and Dh holds the purse strings.

I have to ask to buy stuff and he will agree if he thinks it's ok. But he has become really strict about alcohol.

We've always been big drinkers, Friday nights have always been our night to drink and be merry. But I also like to have up to a bottle of wine midweek when he goes out for the evening, and sometimes it's nice to have a few drinks with Sunday lunch etc.

Dh has put a stop to that and I have to really convince him that it's fine for me to have a drink any other day than Friday. We went out yesterday for a day out, and I drank wine in the sunshine. He has kicked off at me just now that that was inappropriate and I am an alcoholic.

My family are all quite big drinkers and wine is part of all our get togethers, so to me a family day out in the park, with a picnic, is a chance for the mum to kick back with a cold glass while the dad plays football with the kids. But not according to Dh, it's a symptom of my alcoholism and shows that I have no idea what is and isn't appropriate drinking.

I love him very much and if not drinking at all is what it takes to make him happy then I will, but to me having a few glasses of wine is one of my few 'hobbies' if that makes sense. I don't really go out and see friends or have any actual hobbies (mainly due to my mh) and I just don't really see what the problem is. I would understand if I was a slurring aggressive mess but I'm really not, I just get happy and chatty.

Anyway, this is getting quite long so I'll leave it there for now, but I wondered what others would think. Do I have a raging drinking problem that I'm in denial about or has its just become this huge issue for no reason?

[StepAwayFromTheThesaurus]

Surely the lack of drinking is the least of the problems you've listed OP. No money, no car, no autonomy is a genuine problem and not OK.

[GloriaGaynor]

Alcoholism isn't purely about the amount, it's the relationship with alcohol, being able to stop, dependency issues.

If you can't stop once you've opened a bottle, and you're regularly drinking double the recommended alcohol units per week, then there's a problem.
If your husband finds your drinking a problem, then there's a problem.

[MrsJayy]

If drinking is a thing in your circle they are probably drinking to much as well but they don't matter what matters is your Dh is really concerned

[expatinscotland]

If you've run up a great whack of debt and are not working to pay this back, I can see where he's taken the purse strings and doesn't want you drinking. If you have no 'off' switch, that's a big problem, especially if you are on medication.

[AngelicaSchuyler]

Sorry, justre-read my post above and think it came across wrong (probably a case of me projecting my issues on the thread, so apologies for that)

It just reminded me of a recent conversation with my mum about how she was annoyed by family member criticising her for drinking when she'd 'only had a couple'. She was gobsmacked when I gently explained that we can all tell when she's had a drink, despite her insistence that she was perfectly articulate and just 'happy'.

[ladyvimes]

I was going to ask if you use it to self medicate. I suffer from anxiety and depression and in the past have used alcohol to self medicate (didn't realise I was doing it at the time). It got to the point where I was drinking about 5 bottles a week and I suddenly realised that I was becoming reliant on alcohol. I really cut back and am now able to drink responsibly. Looking back the alcohol might have made me feel more relaxed and socially confident at the time but overall it was having a really negative effect on my mh.
I would suggest you speak to your gp about your alcohol intake. And take up another 'hobby' that you can do sat on the sofa of an evening that doesn't involve drinking (reading, drawing, sewing).

[GloriaGaynor]

Xpost waxy.

[e1y1]

Not alcoholic territory, but at same time, not ideal.

I came from a long line of alcoholics (I pretty much never drink, but will on the odd occasion - never had an issue with alcohol).

So to me, it does seem excessive, as others have said, if you are averaging out 30 units a week - that is double the recommended guideline.

You seem to have a drink schedule, so in the sense that - I'm doing this activity - so therefore, will have a drink, as opposed to having a drink because you fancy one.

Describing consuming alcohol as a hobby is unusual too.

[LumpyMcBentface]

For context, he went out on a night out the other week and drank 11 pints. It was a rare night out, but even so. I didn't drink that night but when I asked to get a bottle of wine to have when we BBQd on the Sunday I wasn't allowed.

[Trifleorbust]

There's nothing wrong with being able to tell that someone has had a drink. There is nothing wrong with someone being tipsy. There's nothing wrong with someone 'using wine to have fun'.

There is something wrong with unhealthy levels of drinking, because it's unhealthy. There is something wrong with dependent drinking - not being able to cut it out for a while. There is something wrong with drinking increasing amounts without feeling the effects.

The question is OP, do you feel entirely comfortable about your drinking?

[LumpyMcBentface]

I didn't really mean that it's my hobby, just that is suppose it's the only thing I do that I get much enjoyment out of, other than spending time with the kids and DH.

It's one of the very few things that are just for me, iyswim.

[StepAwayFromTheThesaurus]

It does sound like you were the only one drinking. So you drank a bottle of wine in the park with your husband, children and in-laws (who weren't drinking). I suspect you do have an issue with alcohol.

But you also have an issue with your husband bring controlling. It worries me that it's the possibility of not being able to drink that is what upsets you the most. It is it that you feel you 'deserve' to have no access to money or a car? Indeed, it may be that you feel a greater need to drink as it's the only area you feel like you can control.

[IzzyIsBusy]

You can take back control of your life but that cannot be achieved at tbe bottom of a wine bottle OP.

Try taking control and not drinking for a week or two. Show your DH that you can cope without it and tgat my controlling the drink he may see that ge can let the raines loose a bit.

It is very difficult when you are the one spinning all the plates and keeping it together to not become over controlling.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I'm sure your dh is very worried about you and only says it because he thinks its true.

As it is such a major depressant (no matter how nice it is to have a glass on a sunny Friday evening, sherry before Sunday lunch yada yada) I'm surprised you haven't been strongly urged to give it up altogether! Sorry you are going through all this op

[dArtagnansCrumpet]

I think that's a lot. You sound a lot like my parents who seemed to base their lives around alcohol as it was "their time" and to "chill out". Funnily enough it has had a horrible effect on me, seeing your parents wasted every single weekend doing horribly awful and embarrassing things has made me very resentful towards them.

Every place we went was whether it had a nice pub nearby, every holiday every night they drank and got wasted, any time they had free time it was like "lets crack open a beer". How about take your children out somewhere and spend some bloody time with them?

And breathe. Yes I think you are drinking too much and for anyone saying your husband is controlling, OP has mounted up debt so her DH is sorting out the mess imo

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

TBH if your illness caused you to run up a load of debt (who's paying it off?) then I'm not surprised your DH is being controlling. How has the debt affected the family finances?

I think you could reset your views on what relaxation/hobbies are. Alcohol as a hobby is a worrying sign.

I'm dealing with an alcoholic in my family and the impact is devastating. If you have any hint of a problem with alcohol then you would do well to address it now.

[GrumpyOldBag]

Your dh obviously thinks it's a problem. He probably knows you better than anyone, apart from yourself.

There must be some aspect of your drinking that impacts on your behaviour that he doesn't like.

You sound like my DH. Can't relax without a drink, usually 'has' to finish the bottle, sees social events as drinking occasions. Needs to 'unwind' after a tough day at work.

I rarely invite friends round now because I know he will go too far, get out the tequila after the wine, and be horribly hungover & grumpy the next day. He is also prone to excessive bad moods which I think are partly due to drinking. No wonder I'm the grumpy old bag!

[Stinkerbelle37]

No experience, but I don't think diagnosing alcoholism is about the amount per se, but is more about how you are drinking.

So if you are using it as a tool because you don't feel happy without it, then I'd be concerned. E.g. If a trip to the park is not fun without a drink...

Also, if those nearest and dearest to you are asking you to cut down, then again that raises the question as to whether having a drink changes your behaviour in a way that is concerning to them...

Why don't you prove it to yourself, by cutting back on the drinking , and giving yourself some other treat in its place? 3 bottles of wine a week is at least £10, which you could use to do something else instead.... Give it a couple of months and see how you go?

[GodImbored]

I think you drink a lot. I don't know anyone who would drink wine in the park apart from the one alcoholic I know who would use any event as an excuse to drink and if he could get someone to join him then all the better as it would normalise it.

Having said that I do know people who drink a bottle of wine per evening and get up for work as normal and it doesn't seem to affect them at all.

Are you able to cut back to say the odd glass of wine a couple of evenings a week? Or would that be difficult for you?

[expatinscotland]

Is he on medication? Did he run up a huge whack of debt? And most of all, is drinking contraindicted on your meds? That may well be why you shouldn't drink.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I actually drink far less now than I used to. There have been times I've been drinking every night. I never do that anymore.

I'm in this impasse with Dh where he thinks it's a problem, I don't, but every time I object it just makes me sound even more like an alcoholic. I can't win.

[IzzyIsBusy]

I didn't drink that night but when I asked to get a bottle of wine to have when we BBQd on the Sunday I wasn't allowed.

Had you not already drank a bottle 12-5pm that day?

[erinaceus]

The bipolar disorder makes it complicated. If you are concerned, do you have a CPN? Could you ask to be referred to Dual Diagnosis services in your area? They would be able to help you to assess what is realistic and what might not be? If your DH is supporting you in terms of your bipolar disorder in other ways, would he be willing to look at the whole situation together: the money - his and your access to it, the alcohol intake - his and yours - and the bipolar disorder and how they all join up? This is the domain of dual diagnosis services, which is an offputting name as you or he may or may not have a diagnosis of alcoholism, if that makes sense?

[Dozer]

It does sound like you have alcohol issues; and it also sounds like your H could be controlling.

[IzzyIsBusy]

Sorry different Sunday.