Dh thinks I'm an alcoholic. I don't.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I do like a drink. But it's become a major issue lately.

Bit of background. I have bipolar and have run up a fair whack of debt. So now I have no access to cash or cards and Dh holds the purse strings.

I have to ask to buy stuff and he will agree if he thinks it's ok. But he has become really strict about alcohol.

We've always been big drinkers, Friday nights have always been our night to drink and be merry. But I also like to have up to a bottle of wine midweek when he goes out for the evening, and sometimes it's nice to have a few drinks with Sunday lunch etc.

Dh has put a stop to that and I have to really convince him that it's fine for me to have a drink any other day than Friday. We went out yesterday for a day out, and I drank wine in the sunshine. He has kicked off at me just now that that was inappropriate and I am an alcoholic.

My family are all quite big drinkers and wine is part of all our get togethers, so to me a family day out in the park, with a picnic, is a chance for the mum to kick back with a cold glass while the dad plays football with the kids. But not according to Dh, it's a symptom of my alcoholism and shows that I have no idea what is and isn't appropriate drinking.

I love him very much and if not drinking at all is what it takes to make him happy then I will, but to me having a few glasses of wine is one of my few 'hobbies' if that makes sense. I don't really go out and see friends or have any actual hobbies (mainly due to my mh) and I just don't really see what the problem is. I would understand if I was a slurring aggressive mess but I'm really not, I just get happy and chatty.

Anyway, this is getting quite long so I'll leave it there for now, but I wondered what others would think. Do I have a raging drinking problem that I'm in denial about or has its just become this huge issue for no reason?

[228agreenend]

I think you drink a lot.

It's not normal to take wine to the park and it's not normal to drink a whole bottle,of wine by yourself in the evening. Always finishing a bottle is not a good sign either.

Having a few drinks on a Friday night, or with the Sunday lunch is fine.

I think the could is a symptom of larger problems. Ie. Lack of control/independence. can your husband give you an allowance so you have some money yourself, cash if he doesn't trust you with cards?

[Cary2012]

Lumpy, I asked this earlier. Does he control other areas of your life?

[rosie1959]

Drinking 3 bottles of wine a week plus a few beers does not make you an alcoholic But you have it be honest it's not how much you drink but how it affects you
Check out the AA website AA.Org.uk there is an interesting little questionnaire under newcomers and is AA for you It might give you a few pointers to your problem But you have to be really honest when asking yourself the questions

[TheBakeryQueen]

If you struggle to stop once you've started then that is definitely a problem drinker with the potential to become an alcoholic if you're not already.
I'm not judging either.
Maybe try a period of having none and see how you get on.

[LavenderEverywhere]

I think to regularly drink a whole bottle of wine to yourself several times a week when you are just relaxing at home is too much, especially for a woman.

I have no problem with regular, even daily drinking so long as it's very much in moderation by which I mean two glasses a day, so about half a bottle.

You say you have no off switch and that is the problem. If your DH Is stressing then it's because he can see things in your behaviour that you fail to see or refuse to see. Also, as you've run up a lot of debt perhaps he feels that reining in the spending on booze would be a good way to help get the debt down to a more manageable level and for you to show that you are committed to sorting yourself out.

In the end it doesn't matter whether you agree with him or not about your drinking. If it's making him unhappy and concerned then he's entitled to say so and ask you to change. It's up to you of course, whether you choose to pick him over the right to drink as much as you want. But if you have to think hard about that then perhaps he has a point.

[Trifleorbust]

"3 bottles of wine a week is at least £10..."

I'd sincerely hope so 😄

I suspect the OP is spending £20 a week on alcohol. But if her husband drinks eleven pints on a night out, that is 20 units and a cost of more like £40.

[expatinscotland]

'I actually drink far less now than I used to. There have been times I've been drinking every night. I never do that anymore. '

That's the past. Doesn't matter now. You may well be on medication that intensifies the effects of alcohol and mean you shouldn't drink at all on them. I'm not sure he's necessarily controlling if he is currently paying back a huge amount of debt you ran up and any allowance you got you'd buy booze with.

[LumpyMcBentface]

He has become more controlling over the last couple of years, but only really about money and the kids.

[MiaowJario]

Three bottles a week is a bit much, especially at high % wines are these days. Try switching to a low % wine like moscato or making a half bottle into spritzer to cut your overall intake. If you can't do that then your DH is right. But I do also think you need to have a bit of think about whether he is being controlling over this, or whether he has gone a bit over protective due in part to other issues.

[Missgraeme]

Maybe if your dh wasn't so controlling and such a hypocrite you wouldn't want to drink so much. Maybe try and substitute a bottle of wine for something fizzy and non alcoholic a few times a week. Once you feel more in control of your own decision making maybe you can decide to dump your dh. He sounds like a numpty.

[flowery]

"I'm in this impasse with Dh where he thinks it's a problem, I don't."

You really don't think regularly drinking that amount of alcohol and not being able to open a bottle without finishing it is a problem?

[OnionKnight]

Who is paying back the debt?

And yes that's a lot of drink every week.

[3littlefrogs]

I was looking up safe levels of alcohol this morning because I was wondering about my own intake.
I was surprised to see that 6 glasses of wine a week is considered the safe limit.

[Dozer]

Money and the kids are big things. Have you discussed your relationship and especially the financial set up and transport problem with your health team?

The dual services suggestion made by a more knowledgeable PP sounds good. Have you told your CPN exactly how much you drink?

[LumpyMcBentface]

We're both paying back the debt. He works ft and I get pip, ESA, child benefit. Everything is joint.

[PsychedelicSheep]

Just to clarify, alcohol is described as a 'depressant' because it slows your central sympathetic nervous system. As opposed to a stimulant. It is not because it makes you emotionally depressed, although I'm not saying it can't do that too. Imo, it's a mood enhancer so if you're happy and drink you get happier, angry you get angrier etc.

Not recommending it as a good thing for MH issues, just that the word depressant in relation to alcohol does not mean in the sense posters are using it.

[Jessbow]

3 bottles a week + Beers, = him being stingy!

Wow!

Even at £5a bottle, that's a big expenditure each week....and yet you say you are in debt

You need to cut down, whether you think you are an alcoholic or not

[StepAwayFromTheThesaurus]

I can totally understand that the OP's husband may have good reasons for being controlling. But that isn't actually a solution, and appears to be making things worse for the OP.

It may be that she has an issue with alcohol. It may also be that this issue is exacerbated by feeling totally unable to control any aspect of her life.

There are probably better ways to help the OP that aren't giving her no access to money at all.

[MrsJayy]

Do you have a phsyciatric nurse you could speak too your atonomy is important your Dh might think he is looking after you but he has taken over .

[PsychedelicSheep]

Also, the 'safe limits' are pretty arbitrary really, it varies so much from person to person.

[Twodogsandahooch]

Stopping drinking is the best thing you could do for your health mental and physical. I say this as a HCP, with a history of depression and an alcoholic mother.

[Atenco]

I think alcohol is a great crutch for social anxiety, unfortunately, and people like me who suffer from social anxiety are among the most at risk of becoming alcoholics. Do you really want to have another problem on top of the ones you already have?

[CookieDoughKid]

Wow. You need to cut down as clearly you can't afford it either if you have debt. Imagine how much debt would be reduced over a year, that's at least £1.5K if not more!

And you drink waaaaaay too much. You need to cut down - majorly!

[Trifleorbust]

It isn't about stinginess, it's about control. As an adult, the OP has a right to a certain level of autonomy, even when she has previously run up debt. But - and it's a big but - her husband has a right to be concerned about risky levels of drinking and a reckless attitude to joint money. Difficult call, this one.

[IzzyIsBusy]

He has become more controlling over the last couple of years, but only really about money and the kids.

Was the debt such a huge amount it caused serious difficulties?
Also in what way is he controlling with the kids?