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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband doesn't fancy me anymore

51 replies

Pheobe89 · 22/08/2016 09:15

Hi I've been reading posts for a long time,and I just want some advice really.i feel like I can't really talk to my friends and family about this.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years married for two, I don't think he fancys me anymore.He would never admit it but it's obvious.I have quite a high sex drive but my husband has a low sex drive. I remember on one occasion I was flirting with my husband on the way to a cafe,he then told me to masturbate in the toilet. If I try and come onto him in the morning he will tell me to leave him alone (he's normally playing a game on his phone),he has turned me down so many times I don't really bother to come onto him anymore. We have spoken about this so many times,but nothing changes. Sometimes when he turns me down I become emotional,I'm not really the crying type but it's hurt/frustration that's built up over time.We are only in our twenties,no children.We usually have sex once/twice a month normally always in the dark. I love my husband with all my heart, he has a stressful job, I am always supportive of him,but I'm finding hard when I get nothing back.

If I ever joke about sex to my husband he will basically so no!
When we do have sex he won't really touch my vagina,and he will not do any oral with me.

OP posts:
Laylajoh · 22/08/2016 09:24

Does he have any sexual problems you are aware of?

MermaidTears · 22/08/2016 10:17

What does he say when you sit down and ask him straight up if he fancies you?

Cabrinha · 22/08/2016 10:59

I think you need counselling together, depending on the outcome of a chat with him.

I do have to question the wisdom of flirting on the way to a café with s man who you know is only comfortable with sex twice a month at home in the dark without much (any?) foreplay. If it was pretty full on flirting, I mean. If he's quite repressed then that might have been an attempt to spice things up, but would have seemed high pressure and like a sex pest, potentially!

If you simply have mismatched drives - you don't seem to say this has changed? - then you may have an insurmountable problem.

But if he's feeling pressured and isn't confident, talking and counselling could help.

TheStoic · 22/08/2016 11:07

Ask him if he would consider an open marriage.

0dfod · 22/08/2016 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MermaidTears · 22/08/2016 11:36

Does he say why he doesn't like oral sex? Also he doesn't touch you there, is it possible be might be gay? Surely most men just love vagina!

RedMapleLeaf · 22/08/2016 11:37

I wouldn't normally suggest this, but I'd be very tempting to make couples/sex counselling a requirement for the marriage to continue.

Many (most? all?) relationships go through dry periods due to ill health, stress, child-rearing etc but lack of affection and desire? It's soul-destroying and kills your self-esteem.

LewisAndClark · 22/08/2016 11:38

God, I'd leave him. You're young and have no kids. Life is too short.

I'd also wonder if he's gay.

Sportygirl123 · 22/08/2016 11:41

Hi OP,

I really feel for you as I am in exactly the same situation. The only difference being I am not married and have only been with my current partner for nearly 4 years. We have not had any sexual contact for the last 1/2 years. I kept my feelings bottled in and did not fully communicate my feelings to him. Following on from advice on MN in the last week, I had a blunt discussion with him and it turns out that he has no sex drive what so ever and is going to see the doctor about it. I am not sure if you have tried but I found discussing it with him really useful as I had skirted around the issue previously and he admitted that he did not realise that I was getting so hurt/frustrated about it (as I never really said anything).

Sportygirl123 · 22/08/2016 11:48

I forgot to add, like your husband my partner has a VERY stressful job and always says no when I try to instigate something. Oddly, he is always happy to instigate a kiss and a cuddle.

My advice would be to have a discussion with him, it has really helped me.

NeedAnotherGlass · 22/08/2016 12:06

You say he doesn't fancy you anymore. Has your sex life ever been good?
It is perfectly possible for a man to have a low sex drive without him being gay.

GodImbored · 22/08/2016 12:09

There are so many threads about men with low libido. I think it's far more common than people in real life acknowledge.

It's complex isn't it as it could be down to so many reasons. It depends if he is willing to discuss it/get help or if you can put up with it (I couldn't.)

Pisssssedofff · 22/08/2016 12:10

Why did you even marry him if you're that incompatible, get out before you get pregnant then you'll be stuck

PsychedelicSheep · 22/08/2016 12:19

He has some major sexual issues going on. Twice a month, in the dark with no oral and as little contact with your vagina as possible, for a man in his 20s with no kids? Doesn't matter whether it's 'normal' or not but its not acceptable to you and it sure as hell wouldn't be to me!

There is something he's not telling you, I think. Either he doesn't fancy you (he sounds positively gynaephobic and wouldn't be into vaginas full stop), he doesn't fancy adult women or he has some fucked up ideas about sex and relationships, a Madonna/whore complex or porn addiction or something.

This WILL NOT go away. This is who he is and I don't believe he will ever be able to give you the sex life you want and should be having. You simply are not sexually compatible and he is behaving very badly by not explaining why and making you feel bad. I really would leave him if I was you, good sex is so important in a relationship (to me and it sounds like to you too).

RatherBeRiding · 22/08/2016 12:22

Was there EVER a time in your relationship when you felt like he fancied you? If it has always been like this then I think you have to accept that this is the way he is and nothing will change.

If something has changed in your sexual relationship you need to find out why.

NancyNamechange · 22/08/2016 12:35

My paranoia would be screaming that he's either gay, asexual or not attracted to adults.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Have you tried talking to him about it though and how does he respond?

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 22/08/2016 15:30

Ok some of these responses are disgusting why the hell imply ops partner is either gay or not into adults thats shocking to say he may well just be a lazy sod and dosent want to make the effort anymore this is obviously very hard on you op and i wouldnt like to make guesses at whats wrong but i think you need to sit him down and ask him to be open and honest with you and blatantly ask if he fancies you because you cant go on like this can you?

GodImbored · 22/08/2016 15:40

They gay suggestion is not disgusting if he doesn't like vaginas.

MermaidTears · 22/08/2016 15:59

chocolate how the fuck is that disgusting? If a grown man doesn't want sex, and even when he does can't bring himself to touch a vagina, I'd be thinking maybe he might be gay!!! Most men, vagina =the good bit!

NeedAnotherGlass · 22/08/2016 16:05

It's a knee-jerk reaction to suggest he is gay. There is this notion that all men love sex and can't get enough of it.
Surely most men just love vagina!
It's a lot more complicated than that and whilst it is possible that he is gay, there could be a whole load of reasons why he's like this.
Not being into adults is a bit off the wall and is probably one of the least likely answers.
More likely are:
Low libido
Lack of confidence
Lack of experience
Health issue
Erection problems
Previous sexual abuse
Stress

MermaidTears · 22/08/2016 16:36

Yes exactly. A whole host of reasons. Some people are just pointing out that maybe he is gay, as an option?
Didn't say we was gay.
Could be anything.
I'm askingop is she feels that could be the reason? Any inklings etc

Amelie10 · 22/08/2016 16:39

Or it could be that if you are always going on about sex that must be putting him off and him feeling pressured.

PsychedelicSheep · 22/08/2016 16:40

Absolutely it could be any of the above. But that's almost not the point, the points it's making OP feel shitty so he has a responsibility to be honest at least about what the issue is, and take steps to work towards sorting it if possible. At the moment he's being kind of a selfish coward about the whole thing.

DavidMather · 22/08/2016 16:47

Sounds a lot more head stuff than medical. I was diagnosed with chronically low testosterone levels - so low they were off the chart. I was prescribed a course of booster injections/gels to up the levels.

NeedAnotherGlass · 22/08/2016 17:18

At the moment he's being kind of a selfish coward about the whole thing.
Is he? There is no indication that the OP has ever had an adult conversation with his about this. She could be being selfish in her expectations and her approach.
If the genders were reversed, a man in the same position would often be seen as a sex pest. No-one would ever assume that a woman who wasn't that interested in sex could be gay.