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Original poster

My husband doesn't fancy me anymore

51 replies

Pheobe89 · 22/08/2016 09:15

Hi I've been reading posts for a long time,and I just want some advice really.i feel like I can't really talk to my friends and family about this.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years married for two, I don't think he fancys me anymore.He would never admit it but it's obvious.I have quite a high sex drive but my husband has a low sex drive. I remember on one occasion I was flirting with my husband on the way to a cafe,he then told me to masturbate in the toilet. If I try and come onto him in the morning he will tell me to leave him alone (he's normally playing a game on his phone),he has turned me down so many times I don't really bother to come onto him anymore. We have spoken about this so many times,but nothing changes. Sometimes when he turns me down I become emotional,I'm not really the crying type but it's hurt/frustration that's built up over time.We are only in our twenties,no children.We usually have sex once/twice a month normally always in the dark. I love my husband with all my heart, he has a stressful job, I am always supportive of him,but I'm finding hard when I get nothing back.

If I ever joke about sex to my husband he will basically so no!
When we do have sex he won't really touch my vagina,and he will not do any oral with me.

OP posts:
Chocolatefudgecake100 · 22/08/2016 17:54

Gay is one thing but to say hes not into adults just wow theres many reasons probably but obv op dosent need the negativity id just say talk to ur other half and if hes not interested sexually then maybe move on so many people wanna go straight for the extreme conclusions

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 22/08/2016 17:55

Is he? There is no indication that the OP has ever had an adult conversation with his about this. She could be being selfish in her expectations and her approach.
If the genders were reversed, a man in the same position would often be seen as a sex pest. No-one would ever assume that a woman who wasn't that interested in sex could be gay

This

sophie1985 · 22/08/2016 18:09

Perhaps he just doesn't fancy you anymore?? Seems more likely than all these accusations of him being gay/Not liking adults? (Worst Euphemism I've heard yet).

Are you the oil painting you imagine, because you can bet his left bollock he is masturbating to something. Sorry!

NeedAnotherGlass · 22/08/2016 19:00

What an incredibly nasty and ignorant post Sophie.
Don't know why you bothered with the fake apology at the end of that.

BadRespawn · 22/08/2016 19:00

I know that Mumsnet is the internet home of misandry but, fuck me, some of the responses on this thread are off even these boards' lamentable charts. Implying homosexuality or paedophilia over reduced libido/depression/pyschosexual issues?

Wow.

PsychedelicSheep · 22/08/2016 19:30

I don't know if you're referring to my post but I was not implying he was a paedophile, but that he may struggle to have a sexual relationship with a 'normal' adult woman, for a myriad of reasons.

PsychedelicSheep · 22/08/2016 19:32

'We have spoken about this so many times but nothing changes'

Of course OP has had conversations with him about it Confused

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 22/08/2016 19:52

Dosent like adults implies he likes children frankly and im not the only one here that took it that way which is absolutely disgusting there are probably many reasons for his behaviour which him and op
Will only he aware of

Melmelmel687 · 22/08/2016 20:33

My husband used to have shit sex before he met me i mean in the sense of he didnt know you were meant to open your eyes, kiss and cuddle afters as everyone before made him feel like he had to get off keep eyes closed. I didnt tell him i showed him the way maybe you need to dress up give yourself to him

NeedAnotherGlass · 22/08/2016 20:44

"My paranoia would be screaming that he's either gay, asexual or not attracted to adults."
That's pretty clearly implying that he's a paedophile.

'We have spoken about this so many times but nothing changes'
Which doesn't always mean they have had an adult conversation. It implies to me that she has told him many times that she isn't happy about their sex life. She doesn't say anything about what his response is, what his explanation is, what he actually wants. This implies a very one-sided conversation. I fully accept that he may be completely unwilling to talk but it does depend on how she approaches it. An adult conversation is 2-way, open and honest.

Original poster
Pheobe89 · 25/08/2016 12:29

Thank you so much for your messages,they've all been really helpful.
I love him so much,but I don't know how long I can go on like this for.I feel so unattractive. I have openly discussed my feelings with him,but every time he says 'I literally can't have this conversation anymore'.But nothing changes so I don't know what to do but try to talk to him.He has a stressful job,but this problem has been going on for so long, even before he started his current job. I know he loves me,but I just not sure that he's attracted to me,although he says he is. I do make such an effort with my appearance. We on holiday this week,he woke up with a hard on as we were spooning,I try to give him a bj but he asked me to get off him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pheobe89 · 25/08/2016 12:39

Also we had an amazing sex life when we first met.i don't pester him,quite the opposite but as my husband who I am very attracted to,and love I do occasionally come on to him.Also I'm quite sexually frustrated.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 25/08/2016 12:44

Do you have children? If not, start planning to leave, this won't long term and the longer you go, the more damage to your self esteem.

(I would also worry you'd fall into an affair with any man who makes you feel desirable)

AprilSkies44 · 25/08/2016 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blue2014 · 25/08/2016 12:53

The problem isn't the lack of sex, the problem is he won't do anything about it (which includes talking to you about it). Reframe that as the problem. There will always be differences in marriage, he's either prepared to work with you on it or he's not.

DoinItFine · 25/08/2016 13:00

Just leave.

There is no reason to live like this.

velourvoyageur · 25/08/2016 13:22

Chocolate and Bad just to let you know...being gay is not shameful or disgusting, thank you.

user1471443066 · 25/08/2016 15:23

I liked my ex-husband but I just didn't fancy him at all, ant he was/still is a good looking guy.

Rejection is really hard to take (I know), counselling might help. It might help to resolve this issue or it might help to get the truth out of him as to why he doesn't want more regular sex with you.

Whatever his reasons are they are his problem and most likely nothing to do with you.

He needs to decide if your marriage is worth enough to him to sort this out. If he wont make that effort, then you'll need an exit strategy.

Original poster
Pheobe89 · 25/08/2016 18:01

Thanks for you comments,I know some of you wont agree but I won't leave him unless he sleeps with ow,as every relationship has its challenges.having said that it so hard because to me he's the most handsome man I've ever met, and it's hard to think that he doesn't feel the same in return. You never really picture life being like this.Also we have only been married for two years so I thought this would be the honeymoon period.I just feel quite lonely and want a bit of attention,the therapy sounds good.If I can get him to go, mind you he doesn't like speaking to me about anything let alone a counsellor.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/08/2016 21:00

he doesn't like speaking to me about anything let alone a counsellor.

What pleasure do you get from the marriage?

He doesn't like sex.
He doesn't talk to you much

Am I missing something here?

Does he offer or show any affection like hugs and cuddles?

Does he do nice things for you? Maybe like buy you suprise gifts or cook you meals?

Do his actions show that he loves you?

In the meantime browse love honey for some good sex toys. I recommend the butterfly kiss one, although it can't get you pregnant.

thestamp · 25/08/2016 21:08

yes i'm also struggling to understand what the point of the marriage is? i'm sorry if that sounds harsh but...

so he's nice looking and you're attracted to him. good.
but:
no sex,
he actively rejects you sexually, and
doesn't like to talk to you.

no children, and you're quite young.

you do know that a marriage in and of itself means nothing, right? marriage consists of two people, and if one of them isn't happy and the other doesn't care and doesn't want to sort it out, there is literally no point in pretending that the marriage still exists. you're just going around in circles and you're going to make each other more and more miserable.

Can you think of something in particular that you get out of this relationship? with no sex life and no talking, not sure what you do when you're together that you couldn't just do alone...?

HuskyLover1 · 25/08/2016 21:08

I wonder if it would give him a kick up the arse, if you asked him about having an open relationship, so that you could have some sex with another man (because you aren't getting any at home, and you are a young woman with needs). You don't have to mean it, of course. But it might make him address the issue. Sounds like he might benefit from testosterone injections.

Livelovebehappy · 25/08/2016 21:22

Just sounds like mis-matched sexual libidos tbh. It also sounds like far too much hard work. If there were DC's involved i would probably encourage counselling/relate, but as that's not the case, I would walk away. You are still young, and best to go now than still be in the same position in 10 years time.

WhineWhineWINE · 25/08/2016 22:22

I could have written your post 15 years ago. Still together, but we now sleep in separate rooms and I'm on anti depressants. This won't resolve itself. If he's unwilling to address the issue, then you have to decide whether or not you can live with it. It will be far harder to walk away if you have children.

0dfod · 26/08/2016 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.