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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Polyamory advice

53 replies

Artemic · 21/08/2016 19:50

Hi everyone. I've never posted before but just really wanted to talk to people about my situation and get some advice. My OH and I have been married for 11 years and have four lovely children.

Our relationship has had ups and downs and our sex life over the last few years has been fantastic, since a certain book came out and we got a bit more adventurous it has been fantastic and we have never felt closer.

However in the last month my Wife has admitted to a desire to include another man in our relationship. Not a simple threesome, but a full blown third man in the house, to be another father to the kids and share our bed. I have no bi or poly amorous tendencies, and honestly feel upset and sick in the stomach when thinking about it.

I honestly feel lost. She still loves me, and we are still close, but whenever she mentions it I feel really low. Saying anything against it, mentioning how I feel or addressing the How the kids may react results in grumpyness from her. We have been together since high school and it's kinda come out of the blue, although several things do make a lot more sense now.

I don't want to change her, as that would be selfish and I know it means a lot to her, but I honestly don't think I could do it. She said she will feel unfulfilled and life won't be complete without another man.

Thanks for reading. I honestly feel better just getting this out.

:TLDR: My wife wants another man as well as me in her everything and I feel lost and sick.

OP posts:

LewisAndClark · 21/08/2016 20:09

You might want to repost this in relationships.

Is it a particular man she has in mind?

Original poster

Artemic · 21/08/2016 20:16

Oh! Oops I thought I had! Sorry.

She says nobody, and I may be crazy, but I believe her. I wouldn't want another woman, and she said she wouldn't want another woman touching me.

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Joysmum · 21/08/2016 20:44

Don't hid behind what the kids might think, YOU don't want this and that's OK.

There's a huge difference between monogamy and looking outside the marriage for sex...even more in allowing relationships outside the marriage and the ultimate is expecting to share you're home and kids with others.

mummyto2monkeys · 21/08/2016 21:13

Your wife sounds incredibly selfish, in all the years you have been together has she ever declared these polygamous tendencies? You have been in a monogamous relationship, if she wants polygamy she needs to leave your marriage, not emotionally blackmail you into letting her have her cake and eating it. The fact that not only does she expect to bring another person into your sex lives, she wants to invite another man to father your children is appallingly selfish and cruel. Like saying not only are you not enough husband for her, you are not enough father for your children. I would absolutely hit the roof.

There is a huge difference between those who knowingly and by their own free will choose to enter a polyamorous relationship, bringing children into a happy and loving home and your situation. You are not happy with her suggestion and she needs to know that this is a marriage breaker, she either commits herself totally to your marriage or she leaves and finds a willing partner/ partners.

There would be no getting past this for me, the emotional blackmail is beyond cruel. First and foremost you are the father of your children and she has no right to invite anyone else to be their father. If she wants to invite the local football team into her bed as a single woman that is her right but they do not get invited to play father to your children. There is no vacancy in the roll of father. Although I would honestly be unable to stay with someone who cares so little for my feelings.

Original poster

Artemic · 21/08/2016 21:17

Thank you, that's good to hear. I wasn't hiding behind the kids, I just don't understand how it would work in an existing family.

I don't want to lose everything, but from her point of view, if that is her sexuality and what she needs I can't ask her to change it for me.

How would I move this to relationships as when I click relationships, I see this thread appear.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 21/08/2016 21:26

You're already in the relationships section.

Seriously, anything you do as a couple requires 2 ticks in the box.

You don't want this, you'd never have suggested this yourself and not only are you not sure, you're actually sick to your stomach at the through of it.

You need to say no, shut this down down, leave her in doubt and say exactly what you are happy to do and not do. Make it clear that if exceeding these boundaries is so important to her then she should do you the courtesy of telling you so you can decide to end the relationship.

mummyto2monkeys · 21/08/2016 21:31

What I don't understand is that your wife is not prepared to share you! I thought polyamory was several sexual partners with all partners consenting. What she wants is a threesome on tap, she wants to keep you but she wants to have sex with other men. Those friends I have known to have successful polyamorous relationships, both people in the relationship had other sexual partners. In fact the man the woman was seeing also had a separate partner. All partners would socialise together, however only the babies father and the motheres second lover were involved in raising the baby. With the Mother and father being the most involved.

It doesn't sound like this in your situation. Your wife is expecting you to be OK with another man sleeping with you, yet is not prepared to share you. How would you react if you said you wanted a woman to move in as your sexual partner and you want your new lover to be a second mother to your children?

mummyto2monkeys · 21/08/2016 21:33

Oops typo # another man sleeping with her

mummyto2monkeys · 21/08/2016 21:35

How would your wife react

Original poster

Artemic · 21/08/2016 21:38

She isn't Hasn't mentioned it before, but there are a few things that she has done of said that could be related, e.g when asked which celeb she would prefer, she states both. Or a few things she likes being done in the bedroom.

We have never had a one off threesome, and as far as I know she never has before either.

But since our recent sexual awakening I think she is finding herself, (or getting greedy)

She reads a lot of romance novels and i think she is getting starry eyes from them and not thinking about the real world.

It is all very confusing to me. I can't get her to sit down and chat about it without her being grumpy too which really doesn't help.

Thank you for all your replies.

Ita good to chat to some people about it at least

OP posts:

Original poster

Artemic · 21/08/2016 21:39

She has outright said she wouldn't want another woman touching me when I asked what she would think if the roles are reversed.

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SandyY2K · 21/08/2016 21:39

You stand up and tell her you don't want this and do not and will not agree to it. You're right in that you can't change her desires, but you don't have to accept them.

Most men would be insulted by this suggestion. Is there a reason you haven't told her straight up that this isn't acceptable?

I presume you got married with the intention of monogamy? If so then your wife is trying to make a fundamental change to your marriage contract and you need to tell her it's not going to happen.

Are you a couple into swinging or threesomes?

What she's suggesting is not just going to affect you, but the DCs as well.

Tell she can have another man in her bed, but you won't be around to share it with them.

Original poster

Artemic · 21/08/2016 21:40

So I am pretty sure she wouldn't like it.

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ThePinkOcelot · 21/08/2016 21:41

You don't want it OP. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you say NO!!

I'm just sitting here wondering what my DHs reaction would be if I came out with this to him!

SharonfromEON · 21/08/2016 21:50

You say you can't change who she is...She can't change who you are...

You have every right to say this is not something I would consider...

Original poster

Artemic · 21/08/2016 21:50

When she first mentioned it I said I didn't want anything to do with it and she needed to decide if it was more important to her than me. Which she couldn't answer. I said I wouldn't stay if it was, but she has been mentioning it to a close friend and she she brought it up again today, after a few nights of close bonding and good sex. I honestly don't mind a bit of roleplay if that will satisfy her, but the thought of someone else touching her, and her loving them, and wanting them in our family's lives disgusts me.

As far as I know we both got married with the intention of it being monogamous, but people do change.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 21/08/2016 21:55

So why is she trying to get you to accept something she wouldn't? She wants another man but you can't have another woman.

Why does she feel so entitled? Does she always get what she wants with you?

If you are scared to loose the marriage, it will show in your outlook. So start operating from the point of be prepared to loose your marriage, to save your marriage.

I question who in their right sense of mind goes from zero to I want another man living with us? Don't you see how utterly crazy this is?

She wants to permanently cuckold you. Unless that's what you want - Shut that sht down right now.*

Don't let your children see you being emasculated in this manner. They'll loose respect for you and that is priceless.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2016 21:58

I'm just sitting here wondering what my DHs reaction would be if I came out with this to him!

Yeah. Me too.

He'd think I'd taken leave of my senses.

mummyto2monkeys · 21/08/2016 22:07

Every time she mentions this, tell her if she wants to take a new man to go do it, and you will go and find a woman who appreciates you, loves you and doesn't emotionally blackmail you. You are letting your wife bully you, this needs to stop. I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole, personally I wouldn't be surprised if she is having an affair. Perhaps is goading you and wants you to end the relationship. Or for you to lose your temper so she can say you were verbally abusive. I would show her the door, if she really loves you and this is all fantasy she won't want to part from you. I can't believe that after being intimate she is discussing wanting another man! She obviously has zero respect for you op.

Rudymentary · 21/08/2016 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SharonfromEON · 21/08/2016 22:13

I think some of you should ask your DH..See what they say as your reaction seems odd...Although not sure how I would react..I am a LP so no DH to ask.

CalmItKermitt · 21/08/2016 22:26

50 Shades of Shite I expect.

Original poster

Artemic · 21/08/2016 22:46

I honestly don't think she wants to cuckold me. I think she wants me as involved in the other guy as she is, and him interested in me.

Why is my reaction odd? I am just really confused as to the whole situation. I am generally a logical person and the whole thing confuses me.

her face isn't fifty shades, but she does like a bit of that. I think it's called flashbang.

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Original poster

Artemic · 21/08/2016 22:47

Ha, I meant fave not face.

OP posts:

Original poster

Artemic · 21/08/2016 22:57

Although fifty shades was the book that got us starting to get more adventurous.

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