Polyamory advice

[Artemic]

Hi everyone. I've never posted before but just really wanted to talk to people about my situation and get some advice. My OH and I have been married for 11 years and have four lovely children.

Our relationship has had ups and downs and our sex life over the last few years has been fantastic, since a certain book came out and we got a bit more adventurous it has been fantastic and we have never felt closer.

However in the last month my Wife has admitted to a desire to include another man in our relationship. Not a simple threesome, but a full blown third man in the house, to be another father to the kids and share our bed. I have no bi or poly amorous tendencies, and honestly feel upset and sick in the stomach when thinking about it.

I honestly feel lost. She still loves me, and we are still close, but whenever she mentions it I feel really low. Saying anything against it, mentioning how I feel or addressing the How the kids may react results in grumpyness from her. We have been together since high school and it's kinda come out of the blue, although several things do make a lot more sense now.

I don't want to change her, as that would be selfish and I know it means a lot to her, but I honestly don't think I could do it. She said she will feel unfulfilled and life won't be complete without another man.

Thanks for reading. I honestly feel better just getting this out.

:TLDR: My wife wants another man as well as me in her everything and I feel lost and sick.

Polyamory? Is that where Miss Hooley comes from?

I think she wants me as involved in the other guy as she is, and him interested in me.

The other guy should be interested in you sexually? Are you bisexual?

Either way, you need to shut that crap down. Ask a host of your friends or male colleagues what their response would be if their wife said this to them.

I can't help but think you have a degree of weakness for her to even suggest this. Almost like she thinks you would actually agree to it. You don't suggest this to a man you respect, who has never mentioned any interest in a poly lifestyle. Is she off her head or something?

If my DH uttered such nonsense, the blatant disrespect of it would be enough for me to file for divorce. I can't be married to a man who would insult me like that.

Then he can start paying child and spousal support, then see how he can afford another wife and an OW for his poly lifestyle.

If it was just about swinging that's one thing. That's mutual satisfaction with another couple.

pangalactic that made me laugh out loud!

Is this thread for real

I'm poly. Her refusal to communicate with you about it in a sensible fashion is a problem as is the way in which she's being completely unrealistic about her existing commitments to you and your children. Sensible people practicising poly don't jump from being a more or less mono couple into inviting another person to live with them and certainly not when anybody involved has children living with them. Sensible people do much better communication.

Although triads exist, it's unrealistic to try to force a relationship into that shape ie. even if you are interested in men, the likelihood of you wanting to be in a relationship with another man who is in a relationship with your wife is low and low enough that it's fantasy land to be planning to try to find somebody who likes/loves you both.

There are enough red flags in what your wife is talking about that I don't imagine anybody who has been poly for more than 5 minutes would want to get involved with her/you. It's a train crash waiting to happen.

So, it may well be time to end your relationship. You might try throwing some practical/grounding thoughts at her:

• desirability of introducing your children to someone who isn't long standing partner. When would she be planning to do this? Mumsnet wisdom seems to be after around six months of dating it's OK to introduce a new person to a child. I don't see any particular reason to apply a different rule when you're talking about a poly relationship.
• her hypothetical other partner is a whole person with a life and possibily other partners of his own. He might well not want to move in with you for his own reasons. *how much space do you have in your home? Where poly people do live together in groups of more than two, it is usual to need to do some planning about space in the house to make sure everybody has some personal, private space and often a bedroom each [poly as practised is very middle class] - to allow for day to day living. *Sharing a standard 4'6 bed with two other people would soon get wearing - where there's lots of bed sharing going on, people tend to invest in bigger beds to allow for that.

There are lots of poly specific resources about - ask the internet. These are worth looking at even if you remain preferring a monogamous relationship.

Whoa! Deal breaker for me. I can't imagine ever wanting another man to raise my children alongside me and DH. Not only do I think it would mess with the kids heads, but they'd be open to bullying too. And not to mention the fact that she's almost saying you need help to raise your children and to fulfil her sexual needs. I'd take that as a massive kick in the teeth. If this was a woman asking for advice, I'm sure there'd be a load of LTB comments. If my husband made me feel the way your wife is making you feel, knowing its the only way that their life would be "complete", I would leave him. I would also question whether there were any medical conditions/mental health issues that led to the change. Does your wife have any history of depression?

And by questioning depression etc, I don't mean that all poly people must have mental health issues, I mean the sudden change in her. I wouldn't have thought it's something that changes as quickly as that. Either you've always had a desire to be or try poly, or maybe she's unhappy and looking to find that something, which could indicate depression. Maybe. But I'm no expert.

Thank you.

I honestly have nothing against any sexuality or lifestyle and am very open minded. I would never have assumed that you meant people who are poly are depressed. Everyone has their desires and we can't help what they are. I think the fact I understand this is what makes it difficult.

She may well be depressed I guess. She often says that our sex is the only thing that makes her feel happy, and she doesn't take joy in the kids. She also works a lot at the moment.

We actually managed to have a chat last night when she got back and she said she doesn't know how she feels or what she wants. A week away to sort her head out was mentioned, but with the kids and me working full time I don't know how that would work.

She says she still loves me and wants me and that I make her happy. It's just all so confusing.

Independent friend, are you saying that poly relationships generally just happen and are not something people go looking for? I guess maybe I could try to appeal to her logic, but I don't think her head is really in the world of logic at the moment. She just thinks logical points are me trying to put her off not me trying to think rationally.

I really don't envy your situation. I would be absolutely heartbroken.

What are the chances of her finding a guy, that wants to live in the house of another man, willingly raise, support and pay for kids a wife and a husband, that aren't his own and he barely knows...and sleep on the other side of the bed from him???

I'm so positively bewildered that she really believes she can find this Unicorn guy that I'd be almost tempted on your behalf to say - go ahead and find him.

Ask her about the practicalities of this:

Who decides on the actual guy? Her, you or both?
Who pays the rent or mortgage and bills?
Who does the house maintenance and gardening?
Where do you all sleep?
How does the sex work?
What happens in cases of domestic disagreement?
Holidays?
How will you explain it to family and friends?
How will the children adapt and accept this?
What do you do if someone informs the school and social services?
And finally

What bloody planet are you on?

Maybe it's time to swap that book for a Mills and Boon op.

Look I'm all for enacting fantasies with my DP but it's 50:50 as other posters have said. This applies here:

I wouldn't want another woman, and she said she wouldn't want another woman touching me.

If she can't accept it could work both ways (and not only touching you, but potentially being an equal mummy to your kids in her scenario) then there is no deal on the table for you, is there?

She has to decide whether the marriage she's in is enough for her, or if it's time for her to move on and pursue new grounds of sexuality.

What she is suggesting is unreasonable and hurtful. It would only work if you were genuinely willing and happy to do it and had perhaps dropped hints. You clearly haven't dropped hints, and would clearly be deeply unhappy and distressed at the very idea. For her to pursue this, knowing how you feel, or even give you a hard time for not agreeing, is downright cruel.

This "week away" makes me think she already has someone in mind, sorry. You are not being unreasonable, and she is. Sounds like some sort of mid life crisis on her part and she needs to sort herself out. It's a red flag that she gets "no joy from the kids"

Has your DW actually thought about just how much this will mess up your 4 children? Does she think that they won't understand what is going on around them? (Children always know, even when they are very young).

Op I've just had a look on Amazon at the book/books you say she is reading.

They all seem to follow a theme of two male ex military men who have gone to live on the outskirts of society, meet a strong willed woman where the only option is to share her...in different tough scenarios.

I'd be a little worried about how far she's gone into the fantasy of these books.

For sure the hard faced military men aren't sharing a semi detached in a cul de sac with a couple of kids and a mortgage.

It sounds like she is deeply unhappy and reaching into something unattainable. The end result will only be more unhappiness. It's simply not a feasible option for you or your life situation.

I am very happy in my sex life and in turn it makes me extremely happy. But it's not compartmentalised and it's part of a jigsaw of happiness - I still get a huge amount of joy from the other aspects of my life - my DS, friends, job, and just sitting on the sofa holding hands with my partner.

I think it's really time to sit down and address the other things in life that she can't seem to find any joy in - the kids for example. Do you think she needs some counselling?

Thank you for taking the time to look into the book. That is indeed the one. She has several hundred books that she reads from many different authors. But multiple guys and being forced into things are her favourites.

She enjoys escapism, as we all do, but I think you are right. Life does get ontop of her. She agreed earlier today that we should try to keep things simple, not overthink and take joy in what we have. It's a start. 😀

I don't want her to change herself just to stay, that would lead to resentment. But as she says she doesn't know who she is, then it's hard.

She takes on far too much to cope with and hates letting people down.

Counselling would be good, but I don't think she would do it. I had counselling half a dozen years ago and she didn't like the idea of it then.

She seems willing to work at things though. which is good.

Ineedmore

Your post expresses my thoughts too.

Where does she think she'll find a man like that. Where he moves in with another and shares his wife.

This is so far from reality TBH and a way different scenario than erotica novels. Something seems a bit off or not right about the whole thing and your passive nature if this is true seems very odd.

Never mind depression, this is madness. That a woman in a monogamous marriage suddenly suggests getting a second husband in the house. Yes people change, but this is more than a case of changing.

This is essentially requesting a one sided open marriage, with a permanent boyfriend/lover/OM/partner under your roof.

Next thing you'll have your bits locked up in a cage and be subjected to humiliation in the bedroom.

She needs to get back to planet earth.

I don't think I am being passive about it. I am honestly confused. I do not want anything like that.

A nice normal relationship is what I would like and was what we had, and things had been like that for 11 years. When she first told me, I told her how sick it made me, and how upset and offended I was. I was not being passive. I said I didn't want it to happen, and she needs to make a choice.

How am I coming across as being passive. I don't want to lose the woman I love and have spent several years of my life with because she is unsure of herself? I don't think. Running away and giving blame isn't part of a healthy relationship.

Sounds as though she is escaping into a fantasy world.

And you know fantasy can be a great thing and exploring new areas sexually also. Like you said your sex life has benefited from some of your mutual explorations.

But that's the key bit isn't it? mutual. What she's dreaming about now isn't mutual.

I think it is also wise to keep poinnting her towards the actual reality of such an idea. As others have mentioned it's very unlikely any poly person who is ethical or with even a small amount of experience would think anything other than 'danger danger' at this sort of suggested scenario.

I mean would she move in some guy to live with her and the kids if she was single without a lengthy time of dating and considering how they get on with the kids etc? I expect not, so why would it be any different in a poly situation?

Another thing it mght be worth pointing out to her is, in common with quite a few people who want to open their mono relationship up to other people, she is focusing basically on how it would be for her and you. How about the other person? They are not some prop to fulfill a fantasy and her needs, they will be a complex human with their own issues, problems, needs and desires too.

They will have their own ideas about how to live together, parent, manage finances and so on. In which case having three people living together makes things even more tricky and complex in many cases..rather than some magic sex-fantasy band-aid and some extra help with the kids .

The only sort of person who would jump at the chance to move in with a couple who have never done poly before and have kids would be someone with serious issues with boundaries, reality and ethics. Not the type of person you would want, even if the fact you don't want this and you're not bisexual weren't also major reasons why it would never work.

I think it sounds as though she has got carried away with delving into fantasies, to the point where she is simply unrealistic and avoiding practical and rational aspects.

And if she is in any doubt then I would suggest you go to one of the poly forums you can find via google and present her scenario. She'll get told it's a terrible idea and then some.

Sounds to me that what she needs to do is get to the route cause of what is making her so unhappy.

No amount of fantasy and unusual sex can make up for fundamental unhappiness. You do see this with some 'poly' people where it's a neverending cycle of person after person, constantly shifting 'partners' and 'lovers' as they try desperately to avoid their real issues. Does your wife want to join their ranks?

This is something she's suggested but which you actively don't want. So your answer is a no. Are you in a relationship where your saying no is so unheard of that it doesn't happen?

I've been in a relationship with two men I lived with, one that lasted for years.

This is not how a good one of those begins.

May I be blunt?

The whole thing sounds bonkers.

People do go looking for poly relationships, but normally within groups of people known to already be poly or otherwise more open to some sort of ethically non-monogamous relationship.

But one poly mantra (you may have seen the "commuicate, communicate, communicate") one is about not trying to force relationships into a form they don't fit. So it's rare for people who've been doing poly for any length of time to be looking specifically for someone who will quickly become a live in partner. It's more usual to be looking for poly people you get on with/feel attracted to and seeing where the relationship goes. Some relationships work well with people seeing each other once a week/once a month, because that amount of contact/time together fits those two people. Other relationships, perhaps where people are living closer to each other might involve people seeing one another a couple of times a week - maybe coming over to spend time with the whole family on one occasion and having specific 'date' time on another. Not many relationships are ones where people all want to live together and that sort of thing doesn't tend to happen until relationships are well established.

There's another poly concept: New Relationship Energy, that might be useful to you. The complete lack of logic/her parsing you attempting to introduce some logic as trying to put her off, might be NRE ie. she's not thinking logically because she's high on the feelings she's experiencing with Shiny New Person. But this would require there to be a Shiny New Person and if she's being honest with you about what she wants, there isn't one yet. So like others have said, sounds like she's in fantasy land and needs helping back to reality, if possible.

OP your DW sounds depressed and escaping into fantasy. She needs to see her GP for depression. I think you need to explain to her this fantasy is madness, really.

Unless you are bisexual and happy to share your life with a random bisexual man and your wife, and ok with your kids to bring royally fucked up mentally by mum bringing a new, strange (as in unknown) man permanently into the home, then you need to be crystal clear - it's a no from me.

What do you mean you 'can't change her'? I'd that her talking through you? She is the one trying to change you!

Is it safe for your kids to have an unknow man brought into your home? Possibly no. Practical? No. On every level it is a disaster waiting to happen.

How old are the kids? Young kids can grown up and accept alternative home lives (sometimes). If any of your kids are around age 8 they will probably (rightly) freak out! So fun sex time will give way to wondering why your pre-pubescent child is suddenly displaying all kinds of unhappy odd behaviour that their normal family home has somehow became some sort of Mills and Boon porn novel! Sorry if that sounds cruel but your wife needs some help.

If she just wants a lot of sex you can work it out together but another adult male in the home is shit waiting to hit fan IMHO.

She needs help, not indulgence IMHO.

Perhaps 50 shades of shite was not your friend on this occasion.

...'She also works a lot at the moment'.

...'when she got back and she said she doesn't know how she feels or what she wants'.

...'A week away to sort her head out was mentioned.

This screams affair...

Ok without reading the thread my answer is very very simple.

In a relationship anything has to be consensual and wanted by both partners.

Any alternative sex stuff has to have communication and rules to keep both parties safe and happy, if one doesn't want somthing then it doesn't happen.

Wether you are a man or a woman it is irrelevant you have the absolute right to say you are not comfortable with this option (whatever it might be) and do not want to participate it's as simple as that.

She has the right to want that (but not force you into it) if she then feels that it is important enough then it's her choice to leave you to find that but she can not and should not put you in a position where you feel you have to do it!

I don't have any judgment about alternative lifestyles or sexstyles my only opinion is both partners must be happy with the decision and for sex it only includes consenting adults.