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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to think? Getting yelled at during miscarriage

89 replies

user1471638676 · 19/08/2016 22:00

Hi everyone. Posting anon for obvious reasons.

Had a miscarriage at 11 weeks a few days ago. It went as well as it could - painful and messy yes but it happened at home and was over in a few hours. But my partner's reaction really confused me.

We've been together over 5 years, very happy relationship (love of my life - we're usually great together) although he has a really bad temper (throwing strops when life doesn't do what he wants - not sleeping well, things not working, minor stuff that most people just live with).

So the other night I came home from work, had some cramps and heavier bleeding. Was scared so got in the bath (standard reaction to any trauma...get in the bath) and asked him to keep me company. He was pissed off because he wanted to watch the basketball, rolling his eyes, all that.

The pain got worse so I curled up on the floor. It was at this point that he started to really have a go. Stepping over me to pointedly 'tidy' the house. Start shouting within earshot about how there was 'food everywhere' (I'd been preparing dinner when the pain got bad). How the house was a tip. How he had to do everything around here. I asked him to stop; he stood over me and started shouting about the same cr*p, about how hard his week had been, how he hadn't slept well. By this point I was crying in pain and pretty much begging him to stop. I crawled on all fours to the bathroom and passed my baby alone. I've never felt so alone or uncared-for in my life.

I'm confused because this is a loving, intelligent man who I know cares for me. He makes my packed lunch, he brings me tea every morning and I'm similarly loving to him. I know he has a temper but this seemed incredibly callous.

I don't know what I'm expecting you all to say. I think I'd just like to know what you think. I don't want to leave him, but as I've told him I don't know if I feel confident to go through another pregnancy in case he does this again.

OP posts:
Montysaurus · 19/08/2016 23:09

I'm so sorry you've had such an awful experience. I cannot imagine a good man behaving like this. Did he express any concern for you or any upset about the baby at all? Has he said anything since? I know some people react angrily when they're really scared or sad; they lash out like animals rather than letting their fear and sadness show, as they're more comfortable with anger than with other 'negative' emotions. But that doesn't make it acceptable. I personally could not forgive this, and would probably leave him, although I know it's hard to leave, especially if you've been trying for a baby (such a huge change in the idea you had of your future). I'm really sorry you've gone through this.

LostQueen · 19/08/2016 23:11

So very sorry for your loss op.

Your post was traumatic reading so I can only imagine how traumatic it was to have lived through that ordeal 😢

Your partner is a vile, cruel, abbusive man. I can imagine with everything you've been through with the loss of your baby that the idea of ending your relationship seems like something you can't even begin to deal with but you need to know that nobody deserves to be treated the way you were. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy like that let alone the person I claimed to love.

Look after yourself and most importantly choose better for yourself Flowers

alphabook · 19/08/2016 23:11

It doesn't matter how nice he is when things are smooth sailing, a relationship shows its true colours during the rough times. He may have been upset himself, but there is absolutely no excuse for taking it out on you, when you are the one physically and emotionally going through it. My miscarriage was one of the most traumatic and painful things I've been through and I wouldn't have been able to forgive my husband if he'd treated me like this when I needed him the most.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

SandyPantz · 19/08/2016 23:11

Being nice sometimes, or even most of the time, doesn't buy you credit to be abusive occasionally.

He is abusive. Just because he's not abusive 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and can be nice, doesn't make his abusive episodes any less abusive.

TimidLividyetagain · 19/08/2016 23:12

Think of it this way, you just got through this alone with him being awful to you. So you are a very strong person. So if you can get through this without support a time when you really needed him. Well what do you need him for ever again . I hope you leave him. What he did was cruel and unforgivable. What would he be like if u were in labour in the future or got very sick or had an accident.

pasic · 19/08/2016 23:12

What did he do afterwards? What has he said since?

Montysaurus · 19/08/2016 23:12

Just wanted to add, he may well rationalise his behaviour as being because he was scared. But what happens the next time something awful happens and he can't manage his emotions (and it will...life, especially with kids, throws an awful lot of curveballs)? He may be great 98% of the time but if he's abusive (and that's what this is) when you need his support the most then that 98% counts for nothing.

Lunar1 · 19/08/2016 23:13

This is how he would behave through pregnancy, in labour. Could you imagine having to rely on him with a newborn with colic screaming for hours on end?

I'm so sorry for your loss, please don't forget what he has done.

jcsp · 19/08/2016 23:16

We've all had tiring days at work, we've all had TV programs we want to watch.

BUT bleeding in pregnancy, unexpected cramps, pain so bad that one needs to lie on the floor etc. top trumps all of the above.

Whilst I imagine your emotions are all over the place you do need to have a serious and rational think about your life in the future. With him or without, with children or without. It would be sensible to talk to those you know and trust around you.

Reading between the lines you aren't 100% happy.

I hope you find some serenity and matters are resolved peacefully for you.

BananaThePoet · 19/08/2016 23:17

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Rockingaround · 19/08/2016 23:18

Did he actually realise what you were going through at the time?!? I just can't believe someone would treat the woman they loved like this. Other posters are right, listen to him, he's showing his true colours. When he's been angry in the past, have you bore the brunt of it? Have you been to the hospital, have they given you the all clear? Really hope you're ok. My heart is breaking for you OP, nobody deserves to be treated like this. You deserve someone who will cherish you Flowers

HalfShellHero · 19/08/2016 23:19

Im so sorry for your loss op....youve had great advice on here please return op i dnt like the thought of you going through this alone with someone who seemingly doesnt care. Flowers

Canyouforgiveher · 19/08/2016 23:20

You poor thing. That was horrible to read, I can't imagine what it was like to live through it.

this is a loving, intelligent man who I know cares for me.

You know what, maybe he does care for you in his fashion. Maybe he is intelligent.

But listen carefully, his behavior while you were miscarrying is the best he can do. That is it. You will never be treated better than that and quite possibly, if he knows you will put up with crap behaviour, you are in for a lot worse in the future.

Bringing cups of tea in the morning is neither here nor there. It is when the shit hits the fan that you see true love and compassion and help. You didn't. He has told you and shown you what he is. Believe him. If you continue now, you are signing up for this exact kind of response for every slightly stressful event in life - in fact I think it will escalate to every event in which he is not the centre of attention.

Please don't accept his excuses of "I was traumatised"/"I was so worried about you I couldn't function" etc because you'll be hearing those excuses any day now. That isn't an excuse. This will be your life if you stay with him. If you do have a baby with him, his behaviour will get worse and worse - and you will be tied to some sort of a relationship with him for life.

Get out now and some day you will give thanks that he revealed himself so thoroughly.

FlorisApple · 19/08/2016 23:20

I think empathy is the most crucial emotional trait for a relationship's long term success. If he cannot find one tiny bit of empathy for you at such a traumatic and painful moment, then that is a terrible sign of what he will be like in the future. Please escape from this relationship and definitely do not have a baby with this man.

So sorry for your experience of this.

LyndaNotLinda · 19/08/2016 23:20

I'd call him an abusive pig but that would be unkind to pigs.

He's an utter, utter shit. He's not fit to lick your shoes. He has behaved despicably, absolutely despicably.

There is no going back from this - he's shown you that he doesn't actually care at all about you. Any decent human being would be kinder to a complete stranger than he was to you.

And I am so very sorry for your miscarriage

AtSea1979 · 19/08/2016 23:21

Surely he didn't realise you were MCing? Do you have form for being a drama queen about illnesses? Sitting on the floor crying? So he doesn't take you seriously anymore?
Even so, why are you with him? Making you a brew in the morning doesn't exactly balance out what you call bad tempers.

Rockingaround · 19/08/2016 23:23

JesusAtsea have a heart!!

gillybeanz · 19/08/2016 23:24

I am so sorry for your loss, it must have been horrible to hear him shouting at you when he should have been right by your side.

We have a saying about a man like that "He wouldn't cross the road to piss on you if you were on fire"

You deserve much better than this, he is an arse of the first degree.

PiSeas · 19/08/2016 23:30

I think you know what to do, but need validation for how you're feeling.
He wasn't with you when you needed him the most. He treated you as an inconvenience.
You lost your baby. You needed each other and he abandoned you.
I get that he felt pain over the loss of your baby, but he's just revealed his colours. He's your DP, not your husband. If he's being this unsupportive now just think how he would react to the real problems any DC you may have.
As I've seen here on MN a hundred times, If someone tells/shows you what they are then listen.
They don't change unless they want to

Helbelle75 · 19/08/2016 23:30

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. The same thing happened to me in May and it's devastating.
My DH was incredibly supportive, went to the shop for pads for me, never left my side when I had to go I to hospital, holding my hand whilst I had an internal and blood tests.
I wouldn't have expected anything else from the man who loves me and the father of my child. Yes, he was devastated too and needed to work through his own feelings but he put what he felt aside to make sure I was ok.
I hope you can talk this through with him and that he has an explanation for his behaviour. Big hugs to you.

WelshVickie81 · 19/08/2016 23:31

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers
But for your OH to stand over you yelling while you miscarry your child is horrendous. Easy for us all to say but you deserve so much better than this, you need to get away from him as soon as you can. Good luck xx

trafalgargal · 19/08/2016 23:34

If your sister or your best friend's boyfriend behaved like this towards them .......what would you want them to do ? What advice would you give them ?

MrsGsnow18 · 19/08/2016 23:37

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers
At first I wondered if this was his way of dealing with the pain that he felt about the miscarriage. But I'm afraid the fact that you were in pain, crying on the floor and begging him to stop and he shouted over you about something irrelevant/trivial.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this alone. I hope you get some help Flowers

Gazelda · 19/08/2016 23:39

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been through a very traumatic ordeal, and must still be reeling. How is he reacting now?

RepentAtLeisure · 19/08/2016 23:52

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss OP Flowers

I'm confused because this is a loving, intelligent man who I know cares for me. He makes my packed lunch, he brings me tea every morning

Those things are not necessarily loving if he considers them part of his daily routine. And on a scale of good behaviour versus bad, they disappear into insignificance in comparison to screaming at you while you miscarry your pregnancy. You can pay people to make your lunches, you can buy a tea maker to keep by your bed. What you need in a partner is someone who can support and comfort you when you need it. You don't have that. He reacted the exact opposite way. A total stranger would probably have had more compassion for you. After you've recovered, please start thinking about your future away from this man.

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