What to think? Getting yelled at during miscarriage

[user1471638676]

Hi everyone. Posting anon for obvious reasons.

Had a miscarriage at 11 weeks a few days ago. It went as well as it could - painful and messy yes but it happened at home and was over in a few hours. But my partner's reaction really confused me.

We've been together over 5 years, very happy relationship (love of my life - we're usually great together) although he has a really bad temper (throwing strops when life doesn't do what he wants - not sleeping well, things not working, minor stuff that most people just live with).

So the other night I came home from work, had some cramps and heavier bleeding. Was scared so got in the bath (standard reaction to any trauma...get in the bath) and asked him to keep me company. He was pissed off because he wanted to watch the basketball, rolling his eyes, all that.

The pain got worse so I curled up on the floor. It was at this point that he started to really have a go. Stepping over me to pointedly 'tidy' the house. Start shouting within earshot about how there was 'food everywhere' (I'd been preparing dinner when the pain got bad). How the house was a tip. How he had to do everything around here. I asked him to stop; he stood over me and started shouting about the same cr*p, about how hard his week had been, how he hadn't slept well. By this point I was crying in pain and pretty much begging him to stop. I crawled on all fours to the bathroom and passed my baby alone. I've never felt so alone or uncared-for in my life.

I'm confused because this is a loving, intelligent man who I know cares for me. He makes my packed lunch, he brings me tea every morning and I'm similarly loving to him. I know he has a temper but this seemed incredibly callous.

I don't know what I'm expecting you all to say. I think I'd just like to know what you think. I don't want to leave him, but as I've told him I don't know if I feel confident to go through another pregnancy in case he does this again.

I'm sorry to hear you've gone through such a horrible experience with both the miscarriage and your partner's behaviour. He sounds awful. I can't imagine a decent human being treating another one, regardless of their relationship, the way your DP treated you when you were so vulnerable.

HIs behaviour is unforgivable. I can only say LTB (my first ever) as he is not a nice and caring man - he's shown himself to be the exact opposite.

Dear god, that's just horrible. Having had 4 myself I cannot imagine how awful and alone you must have felt.

Think how you would have reacted if your friend said they had stomach pain whilst pregnant. Caring, concerned, supportive I expect.

He is not a good person OP, please don't start wasting your life with him

I'm really sorry this has happened, it's a hell of a shock X

That's a terrible experience you've been through, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry it was made so much worse than it needed to be too. I wouldn't behave like that to someone I hated, never mind the one person I was supposed to love.

For now, just gather your strength. You need rest and healing time. But when you are strong again, think about the life you would be bringing a child into if you have another pregnancy. I hope you have as many healthy children as you want, but not with this man. You and your future children deserve to be the most important thing in the life of your partner and their father, not an inconvenient mess on a bathroom floor.

I am stunned at his treatment of you.

Sorry you had to endure such an awful experience

I am so sorry for your loss

I am also sorry that you cannot see how abusive this man is, or that you are worth so much more than this.

Can you ever imagine treating someone that way? A friend? A stranger? Even someone who has wronged you?

This must have been one of the most painful, physically and emotionally, events in your life and someone who was meant to love and protect you seems to have deliberately made it worse for you.

Yes, a miscarriage is usually painful to both partners. But as the OP was going through the physical trauma, that should have been his priority. There is no excuse to behave so appallingly. It would have been understandable if he had been crying or panicking or not knowing how to help. Not only did he make no effort whatsoever to help, he actively made the situation much worse. That's not because he's grieving too, that's because he's selfish and inconsiderate.

Please take care of yourself

Oh im so sorry to read this, this is the time you need him the most.
I think if it was me I would struggle to forgive this lack of support and would question how supportive he would be during other tough times - of which there are many when children come along.
for you, an awful thing for you to have gone through.

No, no, no. This is not a loving intelligent man! A loving, intelligent man would be comforting and supporting you, bringing you, hot water bottles, cups of tea, painkillers, accompanying you to hospital, waiting around with you, bringing you home, waiting on you hand and foot, telling you he loves you, taking you in his arms when you cry, crying with you, going to to the shop buy you chocolate afterwards. Cleaning up after you, running you a nice warm bath when you get back from hospital, cooking your favourite meal and making you feel loved.

I'm so so sorry that you lost your baby. This man is not the love of your life! He's an abusive twat who hates it when he's not the centre of attention. See this as a warning sign. If you have a baby with this man, this is what he will be like throughout your pregnancy, and when your baby is small. He will be jealous of the love and attention you give your child. He will abuse you because you're vulnerable because he gets off on it and is a control freak.

Please when you're feeling well again, leave him. For your own and future children's sake.

My DH is absolute bloody useless at the emotional stuff and knowing what to do in those situations. When I miscarried baby one his head went in the sand. When baby three was a Mmc he was quiet but unemotional. When ds2 was too early he was steely and didn't know how to handle it, when baby four miscarried he thought we should give up. When dd was born he became sloppier than slip.

He doesn't do emotion. He has never, however behaved like your partner. He is not abusive.

Leave him.
My username perfectly explains what he is. a cocklodger.
For what its worth I had a similar experience with an ex (note he's an ex)
the same person who accused me of attention seeking when he realized i'd been self harming (in secret. oh how attention seeking)
and who threw me into a wall.
and who bruised my back so badly that I couldn't wear a bra.
It doesn't get better and despite what posters are saying you'll realize it in your own time. But I would like to confirm, from experience,as I'm sure other ladies can too, that it will not stop. it will not get better. you cannot change it, you cannot control it. all you CAN do is protect yourself by keeping yourself very much away from him

I'm absolutely gobsmacked at his cruel behaviour and I'm so sorry for your loss. But when someone shows you who you are, believe them. And who he is is a man who stands over you shouting at you while you go through a painful, traumatic event. His behaviour is abusive and you need to get out right now.

Oh OP I am so sorry, I can't imagine how awful that situation was. And I'm sorry to echo what everyone else has said but you cannot have children with a man who treats you like this. Imagine if your future dd was in the same situation and your DP, her father treated her like that. Then decide if you should stay with him. If you choose to leave him you are giving yourself a chance to find the right person, someone who treats you well when you need them too, not just makes you lunch etc.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby OP and that it was made even worse by your selfish and abusive partner.

Please listen to him, as other PP have said. He is telling you who he is. It's not normal to behave that way, and you need to realise that and do what is best for you.

You already know you can't trust him not to do it again. You're already making excuses for his temper. I understand why, believe me, but please don't waste any more of your life with this man. He is not loving and caring. As you said, you've never felt more alone and uncared for than on that day. That is down to him. It would always have been awful, but a loving and caring partner would have supported you and comforted you, whatever their feelings. This relationship will wreck your self esteem.

Oh no, all these nasty partner posts today. This could be my fourth LTB comment!

That's really not fair. I am sorry you had to go through that. He sounds like a nightmare. Listen to what people are saying and think about leaving.

I'm stunned, love, at the way he behaved when you needed him. As hard as it might be to think about leaving, please regard this as a giant red flag. Often abusive men - and that includes verbally and emotionally abusive, not just physically abusive - seem fine until pregnancy, when abuse often begins or gets much worse. The fact that he behaved like this when you were miscarrying is very significant. It means that he may well be likely to become verbally and/or emotionally abusive to you if you were to become pregnant again. To be so vulnerable due to pregnancy or childbirth and to then also have someone abuse your trust is beyond awful, and I speak from experience. Please consider that you have found out who he is, and the kind of father he would be, right now; don't wait until another pregnancy when you may not be able to leave.
for your awful loss, and please try to find a pregnancy loss counsellor near to you - contact your local hospital or GP. You may well be quite traumatised by this experience. You need a clear head and some time to grieve, but please listen to your gut about this man's reaction, and protect yourself. xx

Hello
I am so sorry for your loss and what you went through....you deserve so much better in a DP. Please put yourself first

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, please take care of yourself, keep strong.

I had an abusive ex-partner, I described him as 'having a temper' too. He could be so loving and caring and he'd tell me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. He'd also make sly remarks about my weight etc and manipulate me into doing things I didn't want to do. And not so sly remarks about my family and friends. I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him so I decided to tell him about trauma I'd experienced as a child. His reaction was not one of concern or empathy but rage (first at the perpetrator but then at me for not telling him who the perpetrator was). I knew at that point that for mine and my future childrens' safety I could not have children with his man. I thought I'd never find anyone else but I now have a lovely DC with a lovely man who is so laid back he's horizontal :)

Please think carefully about your relationship, I really wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do.

this is a loving, intelligent man who I know cares for me.

Well, he didn't show it when you really needed him. Basically he is an asshole....

My first LTB. Why would you want to be with someone like him, really.. ?

So sorry you had to go through that without a good partner by your side...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. This man does jot deserve you.

*not

So, his pregnant partner is having severe stomach pains to the extent of crawling on all fours in agony resulting in a miscarriage & this utter fucking abusive bastard is shouting about an untidy house.

I am so sorry for your loss, please leave this man, this is really really not how someone that loves you behaves.

He is abusive, user, and you need to leave him.

I am so so sorry for your loss.

You deserve better than this man.

I'm so sorry OP. While I was reading this I was thinking about how it mirrors, almost exactly, the experience of a friend of mine (her partner has been horrible to her in other ways for some years now including threatening to kill her pet cat when in one of his rages) and how I wish she could see she deserves better and should get away from him. I know how hard it is when you've got a picture in your mind of a man who loves you and is wonderful... but he isn't, not truly.

Sorry for your loss. Your partner sounds awful.and abusive. You need to think about your future and move away from him

Run for the hills, this is not a caring intelligent man, this is a manipulative man baby who will only get worse should you have a child with him.

I'm sorry for your loss, lovely, but I am even more sorry for the number this man has obviously done on you to stop you seeing just how abusive he really is.

A caring intelligent man would have been annoying the fuck out of you by hovering over you trying to work out hos to make it all better for you. He would have held your hand, rubbed your back, got a heat pad, something. Instead he ranted and raved and screamed at you.

Take so much care of yourself.