Difference in income, financially reckless DH

[NewUsernameForTheDay]

Hi there,

I've NC'd for this, for obv. reasons.

I know a lot of people will say 'you're married, you should share everything' but I'm just not comfortable with that.

I earn more than DH (£90K vs. £40K). I have more savings that DH (£80K vs. £2K).

Our bank accounts are separate.

Each month we pay our monthly budget 50/50 into my account, this is where all the standing orders/direct debits etc. come from.

Each week I pay him an agreed weekly budget (same weekly budget as I have).

The background is that when we met he had LOADS of debt, including payday loans, and regularly received letters threatening to take him to court. So when we moved in together and later got married I needed to take a protective stance by managing our joint incomes. He tells me that he's happy with the situation and feels more in control of his finances than ever before.

Until 2013 I used to pay 2/3 to his 1/3 for our rent and bills - this was reflective of our salary difference at the time. Then I lost my job and had no income at all for six months, which is when we started splitting 50/50.

Even just writing this, I am aware we should go back to a proportional split for rent and bills - that'd be fairer.

However - I'd love to know how you guys manage when one of you earns more than the other (and has more savings), especially if one of you is pretty bad with money.

Thanks!

See that wouldn't work for us. It'd make debating money an issue in our relationship when it isn't currently.

My DH's spending pattern is lots of smaller purchases a month whilst I'm frugal and then spend out every few months on larger items. Your system would mean I was always needing to talk through my spending whilst he didn't need to, despite him spending more if he had access to my share too!

Why should I have to talk my spending through despite spending less in total? Why should he have to speak to me about his spending? How would he know I would want to buy something later in the month when I might not even have planed to spend on it? He might could easily spend 3x £250 a month and not notice so there'd be none left for me! That's how his spending is, so yes I do care if he he spends more to his pattern and I couldn't to mine...unless we kept score. Neither of us wants that but that's the problem when there's differences in spending patterns.

Our way would work for everyone because it's fair and you know where you stand. If the money isn't in your current account you can't afford it. Otherwise if it is in your current account you still might not be able to afford it because you'd have to ask your partner, or expect them to have regular spending habits.

Of course fairness is about equal spending power, how could it not be? Why would it be fair for him to have access to the money I'd saved when he's already spent all his

Why would it be fair for him to have access to the money I'd saved when he's already spent all his

By that reasoning, DH should feel hard done by that he earns 150k and I earn zero yet we have equal access to all funds. Some months I even spend more than him. Some he spends 3x what I spend. But adding up receipts, I definitely purchase more. But as I said, I purchase all the stuff for the kids.

Also, all 4 of our parents are dead. There was no inheritance from his and a moderate (30k) one from mine. At no pint whatsoever would I ever consider that 30k any less his than mine. If he told me tomorrow he wanted to use it towards a very expensive hobby then I'd have no real objection if we had nothing else that needed the cash injection. Financially, we both very much consider that we're in it together. Right from the start when we moved in together and I paid for everything from my small graduate salary whilst he ran up debt at law school until now when we have jointly decided I should sah for a while to facilitate an easier life for us all thus having 6 of us living off his salary alone.

It sounds like things tick along fine only when you're doing all the thinking, organizing and managing. I don't feel you've got any other than to be the one 'in control' because he isn't showing any initiative with anything. he's just happily coasting along enjoying his happy go lucky lifestyle.

Until 2013 I used to pay 2/3 to his 1/3 for our rent and bills..Then I lost my job and had no income at all for six months, which is when we started splitting 50/50

How can you split 50/50 when one of you has no income?!! So you had to dip into your savings? He couldn't cover your basic expenses? Bet he still had money to fritter away on his 'optimisms' {hmm}

How will your respective mat and pat leaves be funded? Child related expenses? Child care? Family holidays? Or will you be expected to pay for your and your dc whilst he only pays for himself?

he could save about £450 per month - so it's more that he chooses not to - he likes buying stuff, and I like saving was this still the case whilst you had no income? This is also why his 2k savings are not increasing.

So he isn't even taking pending fatherhood seriously? Or your future security - is that because he's relying on you to finance it? Does he think he will be able to carry on the same way once the dc is here? It sounds like you're going to have two dc to look after unless he stops acting like a manchild.

OP Apologies, if I've misinterpreted the situation, but I can see that I'm not the only one interpreting this as you acting like a parent and your DP as a child in this relationship where financial responsibility is concerned.

RedMapleLeaf thanks - I think you did miss the target a little, we're actually pretty balanced, and have respect for each other, and take equal part in decision making. There are certain decisions he's best at e.g. booking holidays, sourcing good restaurants, knowing about a newly launched bar...and there are decisions I am best at e.g. practical things like paying utility bills, organising Ocado deliveries etc.

I went through my idea to; split bills proportionally, have shared savings and personal savings... and he was very anti splitting bills proportionally (on the basis that he likes to know he pays half) but thought the shared savings was a good idea for big family purchases.

So the question is, will I be babying him if I FORCE him to split the bills proportionally?

he's a twat who's just shown you his true colours........you would be doing yourself a massive disfavour by putting your needs second.

he knows he's being mercenary OP - he just doesn't have the balls to admit it.

but you do understand that all household purchases will belong to him unless you can produce a receipt that proves you made the payment? Is he going to pay you half back of everything if you split?

he has NO respect for you because he's deliberately manipulating you financially for his own benefit.

What happens if you have children. How will you deal with spending then? Proportionately? Will you tell the DCs that mummy paid for most of it

Me and dh have swung from one of us earning way more to the other. We always pooled it. We save together. We are married and see that as being a family unit.

There are certain decisions he's best at e.g. booking holidays, sourcing good restaurants, knowing about a newly launched bar...and there are decisions I am best at e.g. practical things like paying utility bills, organising Ocado deliveries etc.

So he's best at irrelevant, fun things and you're best at doing all the actual work of keeping a household running? Funny how that works out. I would be wanting him to take on some more practical responsibilities.

How will he keep paying 50:50 once he's on paternity leave? I would set a pattern that is sustainable during both leave periods - you will still have an income but he won't, so it should be income-related.

When we started off neither of us had any debts and my salary package was the better but only by around 50% (approx £20/£30) so everything went into one pot, DH salary increased at a higher rate than mine and eventually we got to the position of me earning 25% of the household income. For around 15 years DH controlled the household purse, not in an abusive way just he liked spreadsheets and recipets, whereas I preferred cooking and washing, we never had his and hers money, or a personal budget or savings just joint money, he would let me know when to tighten the belts and did nag about some of my more impulse spending (which was completely valid).

Although this had worked well for us and I never felt controlled in any way around 4 years ago we decided to change, the children are older so we changed how we managed the whole household. Now we split the household bills and family expenses 25:75 and then both do what we like with what's left over. Big ticket items and holidays generally come from the family savings but if not then we contribute in our share. I still spend on silly things, but I'm not extravagant. Our salaries are in a similar bracket to the OP although both of us are now salaried employees.

If I was starting out again I would still want joint finances when my DC were small, careers were being established and salaries/parental leave were up and down, they only change I would make with hindsight is to have a small monthly amount to spend each.

If he wants to split the bills 50/50 and can afford it then let him, maybe out the 25% you save away or your DC? Or treats.

We have a joint bank account for bills and living expenses that we each contribute 50/50 too. We then have our own accounts for our own spending. The reason being I worked my bollocks off doing a degree at home to get a well paying job to provide a better life for my kids and I. Dh could go for promotion and earn more but doesn't want to as he likes an easy life so is on minimum wage. I'm not prepared to financially support his lack of ambition. I don't know if it makes much difference that I was a single parent before I met him and he also has a child from a previous relationship so financial independence is very important to me

Op dh and I are in a very similar situation to you (albeit I am the lesser earner). I am not a spendthrift like you describe, but I do more happily and easily spend money than dh, plus I feel (genuinely) that I have more outgoings - I need extra clothes for work compared to his limited collection if suits and shirts, plus I gave a larger family to buy presents for etc.

Your approach seems sensible to me; I would feel resentful if I were asked to split bills equally on a lesser income and my lower amount of savings is, at least partly, down to my own spending decisions so he shouldn't lose out because of that.

I am the one with an eye on the budget - I review ordinary expenditure regularly, tell dh what we need to do to adjust and show him the workings. He tends to pick up larger, one-off, expenses because that feels fair to us.