Difference in income, financially reckless DH

[NewUsernameForTheDay]

Hi there,

I've NC'd for this, for obv. reasons.

I know a lot of people will say 'you're married, you should share everything' but I'm just not comfortable with that.

I earn more than DH (£90K vs. £40K). I have more savings that DH (£80K vs. £2K).

Our bank accounts are separate.

Each month we pay our monthly budget 50/50 into my account, this is where all the standing orders/direct debits etc. come from.

Each week I pay him an agreed weekly budget (same weekly budget as I have).

The background is that when we met he had LOADS of debt, including payday loans, and regularly received letters threatening to take him to court. So when we moved in together and later got married I needed to take a protective stance by managing our joint incomes. He tells me that he's happy with the situation and feels more in control of his finances than ever before.

Until 2013 I used to pay 2/3 to his 1/3 for our rent and bills - this was reflective of our salary difference at the time. Then I lost my job and had no income at all for six months, which is when we started splitting 50/50.

Even just writing this, I am aware we should go back to a proportional split for rent and bills - that'd be fairer.

However - I'd love to know how you guys manage when one of you earns more than the other (and has more savings), especially if one of you is pretty bad with money.

Thanks!

I think that a concern here is that it doesn't sound like the financial arrangements of two adults (let alone married adults) it sounds more like parent and child.

You say, So when we moved in together and later got married I needed to take a protective stance by managing our joint incomes.

No, you didn't need to. You could have discussed it as two adults. You sharing your concerns and the two of you discussing solutions.

I wonder why you are both in this parent-child dynamic so to speak and what each of you get out of it.

I do envy people with more of a laissez faire view with money (I must admit I don't see it as something to 'enjoy' per se. More something to worry about

But your income is £130k! It should be enjoyable.

RedMaple - I read the opening post as this financial model being one they had discussed together, rather than something OP unilaterally decided upon?

RedMaple what makes you think we didn't discuss it as two adults and what makes you think that this dynamic exists in any part of our relationship aside from budgeting?

Sorry Xpost! with tribpot

I'm not comfortable sharing money with my DH either - we both like to keep our finances separate because it feels natural to us.

I earn £40k to his £20k and what works for us in us both paying a set amount into a "house" account that is in my name. This covers all rent, food shopping and house bills. I pay about double the amount that he does, which seems fair as I'm earning double.

This leaves us with approximately the same amount of 'spending money' (after my excessive travel costs come out of my account) which we use to pay our own bills and credit cards and anything else we need. We have our own savings, and anything that's left in the 'house' account at the end of the month goes into joint savings.

It works well for us because there is always enough money to cover bills, meaning that we don't ever argue about money. What he chooses to spend his leftover money on is his business and vice versa. It also means that because our finances are separate we can treat each other!

What is there to worry about with money? Where does the worry stem from? Your right no ones job is safe be it as an employee or as an employer however you just get on with it if anything happens.

We find being open about money and not making a thing of it makes us spend less because there is no challenge as such, we know we can afford it but that makes it kind of boring when shopping.

trubpot is correct, the conversation went (paraphrasing):

Me: How can I help make it easier?
Him: I just need to stop spending money...
Me: Okay, shall we write up a budget and work from there?

Literally that. We just worked out what we needed, and how much it was, and then divided it fairly between the two of us. It has since become less fair as our situation has changed. But I have taken on board how to make it fair again in a way we're both comfortable with.

Kelly our approach has always worked too, we never argue about money - I just feel uncomfortable about it every so often (wanting to do the right thing, not wanting to baby-him, but wanting to maintain our security).

And Maple £130K with no long term work stability, living in London and being pregnant doesn't go as far as you might think. Hence my savings obsession :)

peggy, running your own business is inherently more risky - next month there could (in theory) be no dividends at all.

peggy we were quite poor growing up - not super poor, but we had just about enough to get by on (my father was absent but quite wealthy, so I saw wealth from afar but didn't benefit from it).

A few years ago the company I worked for went bust, I started my own company, and a few months later (before our first invoice was paid) I got down to 68p in the bank (or rather 68p left of my overdraft), I was on the brink of having to phone my mum for a loan to cover my rent. I don't ever want that again, and I don't want our child to feel that. Hence the saving.

We do spend it on nice things, we go on holidays, we have a nice home with nice things in, we eat nice food... but I keep a super careful eye on it, because the fear of having nothing is still quite fresh!

You sound realistic op, to those who say that you sound financially abusive, they haven't got a clue.

You know your partner well and hes a spendthrift , not wanting him to fritter away savings is sensible and when you go back to each of you paying the same proportion of each of your income (even though it means you pay more) into the joint account and joint saving, you will be being absolutely fair with him.

I think you are going about this the right way.

I think your set up sounds about right for your situation. We earn 47k/45k. DH has been saving since he was 20 and has about 60k in long term savings. He also owned a property with about 40k equity. He likes to save. I came into the relationship with 10k savings. I went to uni though and he didn't so I think that accounted for some of the difference. We do have a joint account but we don't use it.

At the beginning of everymlnth we do a spreadsheet of what will be coming out and going into our accounts. This covers all bills, nursery, mortgage etc. We then discuss what things we might need to buy that month over am above the usual. That leaves us with a rough idea of what's left for meals out/Costa etc. We check in with each other to double check bank balances. And if we decide to buy anything we hadn't discussed previously then we will chat about it first. At the moment I don't really have any savings in my name. All my savings/work bonuses paid for wedding and honeymoon. I had some of DH's work bonuses in my savings account prior to house purchase.

Money is just family money but neither of us is 'bad' with money so it isn't an issue.

There seem to be a lot of people saying that in marriage everything should be shared. I think if you both have the same approach to money this would work fine. My parents are savers who don't agree with buying on credit, PILs are spenders with no savings who buy big purchases on credit. This means DH and I come from completely different financial backgrounds. When we pooled everything I ended up resenting it if he spent money on things I considered unecessary and he resented not feeling able to do this. Money and how to spend/save it is the only thing we ever argued about. So we found a compromise that worked for us that is very similar to what OP has proposed. To me marriage is about compromise. So long as both parties feel it is fair I don't see the problem.

We have had this discussion at work and everone has different ways of working out their finances:

Couple A share everything
Couple B have seperate accounts husband pays for essentials, wife pays for luxuries, holidays, meals out etc
Couple C Husband pays for all household expenses wife doesn't contribute to this spends her money on what she wants.
Couple D have a joint account for joint expenses and also have seperate accounts and savings.
My point is so long as both parties are happy and it works for them whats the problem. I don't understand where the financial abuse comments have come from.

As for savings being split 50/50 in divorce (and I never think like that when planning for the future) at least there will be some savings to be split.

I've just given up work as we were struggling with childcare and covering school holidays. DH earns about 150k and everything is pooled and always has been since we moved in together. I used to teach so max earnings were @30k. Then I retrained and earned around 42k. Still nothing close to DH. But when he was in law school we lived off my 16k teaching salary. We both brought student debt to the table. I simply couldn't live with it being anything other than one big pot. All our savings are joint too.

It always amazes me how many people are happy to share bodily fluids with someone they refuse to share finances with.

My DH earns roughly twice what I do. We've joint current, savings & credit card accounts. All income is treated as our money, our savings etc. We each gave a 'pocket money' budget for the month and save the rest. Nobody is ever denied any purchases but we run them by one another first. Neither of us have unhealthy spending habits though. We have no debt, except a credit card which is paid in full each month.

I think if your spouse cannot control their spending or live within their means then that is one thing. But if that isn't, or is no longer an issue then I don't understand the issue.

But then DH always says he doesn't understand it either and thinks it complicates things.

We now pay all our income into the joint account, from which all bills are paid. We each get the same amount of spending money to do with what we like each month. Anything left goes into joint savings.

It removes any consideration of who is contributing most or paying for what and we have an equal amount to spend on birthday presents etc... so there is no excuse.

I think you're lovely PP. But maybe you should ask him if he's happy. Maybe he likes paying 50% and he wants to keep it that way to prove to himself that he's more in control of his money now?

propertyquandary off-topic, and me being nosy to be honest, but how did you struggle with childcare? Was it lack of availability locally? I would imagine on your family income you could afford to buy in all the help you need?

Hi,

Unless I missed it, do you have children and do you both work FT? I work 3 days a week and gross income is 68.5K. Other half works 5 days a week and gross is 34K. We both pay the same amount into a joint account and keep seperate accounts. I save more but I do more of the childcare and still pay half. We were v sensible with our mortgage in that we did regular overpayments so that his outgoings went down and he saved more.

I think if you have dc and he works PT it would be fair for you to pay more but I wouldn't pay more if you both work the same amount. If you lose your job/get sruck down ill health , you will have to rely on your savings as he won't be able to help you. Also, it would be reckless of you to pool your savings in a joint account with a man who could spend recklessly/ fall in love with someone else and empty the joint. I'm purposefully paiting a worst possible scenario picture but 40K a year is a good salary and unless he's doing more childcare ,I don't see why you should pay more as he is able to save on his salary

Yes, lack of availability. We have no extended family at all so it was just us covering school holidays. We simply couldn't cover it all and have a family holiday together. Then if any of them were ill and with 4 that's at least 1more wk of cover needed for heavy colds with fever and tummy bugs etc. It just couldn't work. I'm gutted to leave my job but for us as a family it's the best option at the moment.

I understand propertyquandary We are overseas and have no family to stand in at short notice. We have to pay for our "village" and it adds up!

I don't do joint accounts.

We know what out household income is, we've budgeted what the bills are plus a fuck up factor.

We have arranged bills to come out of our individual accounts and whoever has the most income does a standing order each month so we both have equal disposable income.

I couldn't be doing with have to ask/justify/debate my spending pattern or count the pennies to find out what's fair.

This way we have autonomy over our own spending and never argue about money. I'm a saver and then blow the lot on bigger purchases, DH spends a lot more than me each month. I'd be a nightmare to keep score if we did it any other way.

I think you are being tight. Yes you should at least pay a proportional difference!

He is your dh but the way you talk about money makes this appear cold and cynical.

Maybe you enjoy being in control.

If there's a divorce I'd be thinking your pre nup is useless!

moaning about paying for purchases over £500 is just bloody mean when you have 80k in the bank! Tight wad

Joysmum, that's fine if it works for you. But even with a joint account we both have complete autonomy over what we spend. Anything over £500 and we'd generally speak to the other before going ahead. Not to ask permission but to talk it through. But I know we'd do this if we had separate accounts too. As for keeping score? We never go this anyway. Who cares if one of you has spent more than the other in any given year? The following year may be different...or maybe not. Without doubt, I spend far more than DH month to month. But then I'm purchasing the food and the school uniforms and the school trips etc. Fairness is about equal access not equal spends.